Breaking up will be good for me, but it will kill him!

[tenken no mandy]

I'm in quite a dilemma here. There is a boy who I go to school with, I met him in the beginning of freshman year. He was over 300 lbs. and didn't have many friends.

 

Noticing that he was quite lonely, I began to talk to him. We soon discovered that we enjoyed many of the same things and had a lot in common. I introduced him to my group of friends and we all soon became close friends. By the beginning of sophomore year, he wanted more than a friendship. This didn't take me by complete suprise,

 

I wasn't planning on a relationship, I was even somewhat avoiding it. However, he was a nice boy, and I would probably be the only girl he could have a chance with in high school, not to mention I didn't want to hurt him by saying no. So, I half-heartedly agreed to go out with him. I tried to love him, I tried my very hardest to ignore his flaws and enjoy the relationship. But, then I realized: how can there ever be a real relationship if I have to try at all, let alone painfully hard to love who I'm with?

 

And now...the plot thickens. I have recently began talking with one of my neighbors who is my age. We have much in common and we became fast friends. He's a shy, sort of skittish boy with a childlike wonderment that makes him very cute and easy to love. I am more than ready to have a relationship with him, however, I don't believe in cheating no matter how bad a relationship is going.

 

I'm also not quick to dump a man either. In fact, this is the first time I've had to do it. I can't begin to tell you how hard this is. After he constantly thanks me for going out with him, after he tells me how he used to hate Valentine's Day, but this year it was going to be different. How am I supposed to tell him I don't love him when he's so deeply and seriously in love with me? I don't want to do it. I dread it. I feel so cruel for doing this, and yet it has to be done.

 

How can a one-sided relationship ever truly be love? It can't. That isn't love. I wish I could say that this breakup would be better for the both of us, but unfortunately I can't. To me, this breakup will be like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but its going to kill him. He's not the type of man that would do something drastic suck as hurt me or himself, but I know he'll cry. I know he'll be depressed for a long time. I have to see this man every day, how am I supposed to face him after putting him through that kind of pain? And after his parents said how I'm such a nice girl, how am I to face them after their son comes home crying because of me?

 

I would love to remain good friends with him, but how can I do that after I hurt him so badly? Please, I'm in desperate need of advice and support. I just don't think I can do this on my own.

[Curt]

I say let him know how you feel. Do it with kindness, love, and gentility. If you stayed with him just for the sake of "not hurting him," you will likely be eventually either:

 

(A). Tempted to cheat in a big way, or,

 

(B). You will end up growing cold / resentful toward him, as he is not the one you want. This will likely ruin the friendship as well.

 

You're a very special person to have given him the chance ... many young women would, sadly, not have done so. That you attempted to get to know him was warm, sweet and noble. Nonetheless, it may have also been based more on pity than any real passion to be with him.

 

Let him down very easily, and help him understand how special a person he is also. Nonetheless, be honest, and let him go. He will heal ... and may work on self-improvement as well.

 

I would want to know in either case.

 

God's speed.

 

Curt

[SoleMate]

The breakup will likely hurt him, and he will cry. However, be very clear about this - it will not kill him.

 

I know he'll be depressed for a long time.

You're foretelling the future, and I just don't think you can assume this. Even if it were true, there is no reason to sacrifice yourself to your idea of his happiness. Taken to its logical extreme, this means that you can't EVER leave him for the rest of your natural lives.

 

I have to see this man every day, how am I supposed to face him after putting him through that kind of pain?

It's going to be uncomfortable, not devastating.

 

And after his parents said how I'm such a nice girl, how am I to face them after their son comes home crying because of me?

You can face anyone if you know that you have acted decently.

 

I would love to remain good friends with him, but how can I do that after I hurt him so badly?

The goal of friendship is not realistic, unless he is way more mature than you give him credit for. Again, I question the premise...that to date someone for a while, and then to cease dating, is the moral and emotional equivalent of stabbing someone in the back. If he hopes to be an adult, he is going to have to learn that accepting a few dates does not mean a woman is his forever.

 

Correct your distorted thoughts, via a book on cognitive therapy if necessary, and I think you will find it easier to perform this very necessary and appropriate relationship ending.

[Gala242]

This is bad, very bad...

 

Here are the warning signs from your post that should've told u this relationship was going to be a disaster...

Noticing that he was quite lonely, I began to talk to him.

 

You don't talk to people because they look lonely...you talk to them because you are interested in getting to know them...

However, he was a nice boy, and I would probably be the only girl he could have a chance with in high school, not to mention I didn't want to hurt him by saying no.

 

Well excuuuuse me.......how can u say that you would be the only girl he could have a chance with, miss you need to come off ur high horse.

I tried my very hardest to ignore his flaws

He has no flaws.

I feel so cruel for doing this, and yet it has to be done.

To me, this breakup will be like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders,

This whole mess could have been avoided if you had just left him alone.

 

He does not need your pity, which is the reason you entered into a relationship with him in the first place.

 

Anyway what's done is done. My advice to you would be to tell him the TRUTH, no matter how hard it is, don't take the cowards way out either, you need to do it face to face, however don't be harsh.

 

Let him know that you just don't feel the same way anymore but that you still want to be friends with him, he will be hurt know but it won't kill him, he will get over you with time.

[7on]

He might take it fine. For instance, I fell in love with one of my best friends when she was going through some bad times and I asked her out when she was better - but was turned down. I cried for like 30 minutes but that was it. Then there was my 2-night stand girl whom I found out had a bf - and I cried at least a day and a half.

[upsetnhurt]

We all know that the best thing to do is to break up with him. In this case you sound very mature about the situation and need to be as open with him as possible at this point. Too many times breakups occur and folks never get the true reasons for it. Here you have that chance. Let him know how special he is and that you have enjoyed your time with him although at this point you feel a change is for the best.

 

You are are a very caring person yet when it comes to relationships you need to be looking out for your best interests. All breakups hurt yet most people do eventually get over them and ironically find something better suited for them.

[tenken no mandy]

After many hours of deep thought, frustration, and crying, I've decided to break up with him. I know that it's the cowards way out, but I wrote him a letter containing my thoughts and had a good friend of mine deliver it to him. Here it is:

 

Tommy, I've always loved being your friend. When you asked me to be your girlfreind, I would have much rather just stayed your close friend, but I didn't want to hurt you by saying no. These past few months have been very nice, but I feel you love me 100 times more than I love you. I wish like anything I didn't have to do this, but the more I wait the more this is going to hurt the both of us. Please, try to understand, I still want to be your friend, I don't want to stop talking to you. You're a very kind special person, and that's why it feels so wrong pretending to love you. I feel like such **** doing this to you at all, let alone this close to valentines day, but like I said, the longer I wait the harder its going to be. And please understand, this is nothing that you did. I'm the one who did something wrong by telling you I loved you when I really didn't mean it. I'm so sorry. I hope you don't think I'm a bad person for doing this, though I wouldn't blame you if I did. You're such a nice person that I know you'll find someone that truly loves you one day. Just please, consider staying friends with me. Even though I don't love you in that way, I could never hate you.

 

Please, be honest. Did I handle this well?

[emotionsmessmeup]

I THINK BREAKING UP WILL BE BETTER FOR HIM..

 

dont underestimate the guy seriously....just coz he is in love with u pathetically..

 

u break up with him...he will cry and grive over u for a bit..but he WILL rise...

and you will be very surprised one day when u see the new him...stronger/better looking and more mature...

 

DO NOT ASSUME THINGS ABOUT HIM....everyone has it in them to move on...

[DinNJ]

The only cowardly thing you've done was give him a letter. VERY disrespectful... at least have the common courtesy to talk to him directly.

[birdstealingbread]

Breaking up with him is definitely the right thing to do - as other posters have said, it would only be misleading and cruel to lead him on. Someday he will see that this breakup was the right thing to do. Now he will have the opportunity for new experiences and to find someone who truly returns his love.

 

Your letter says some nice things, but you would be doing him a disservice not to break up with him in person. He had the courage to take the steps to start this relationship, however ill-fated. You at least owe him the dignity of an in-person breakup.

 

I'm sure that sounds pretty terrifying right about now. But you can make it easier on yourself - writing that letter was a good step. You should model your "breaking up speech" off of its contents. Perhaps you could even say this to him - "I wrote you a letter, but I owe it to our friendship to say this to you in person."

 

Try to mention the positive aspects of your relationship, and maybe even throw in a few gentle suggestions for improvement. It will soften the blow, and he might heed your advice when it comes time for his next girlfriend.

 

Most importantly, end on a positive note and affirm that you will always be there for him. Then do it. If you still want to be friends, don't just say so. Follow through. He will certainly be hurt at first, but it would only be more of a "betrayal" to abandon him entirely. Maybe you could even introduce him to other people and activities to help him move on and up in life.