Strike4 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I figured I'd share this for anyone coping with loss. I've never shared this story publicly before. I'm going to long story short this big time but emphasize the key points. I met my ex when I was 14 and she was 12. We were together 8 years at the time of loss. When we met we were in love, we were each others first relationship, we were co-dependent but didn't know it. We were infatuated with each other for years. We lost our virginity to each other when I was 18 she was 16. We KNEW we were going to get married, and considered ourselves spiritually married. Towards the end we got into drugs, it started soft and innocent but we ended up becoming addicted to methamphetamine. Before meth we maintained some dignity and purity, after meth that was thrown out the window big time. We both became desperate dope fiends. I saw with my own eyes something innocent and beautiful become something dead and ugly. I decided to get help. I couldn't be serious about recovery so I kept drinking and smoking pot, just no "hard drugs". My ex drank and smoked with me, until she got into recovery for a legal problem. She got serious about recovery fast and decided to be a substance abuse counselor. I was still drinking and smoking but told her I wasn't. Two months after she got into recovery she found out and cut me off completely. No ultimatum, no talking about it. She didn't say a word to me for a year and a half. Traumatized would be a understatement. I was devestated. I cried pretty much for a year at anything that reminded me of her, I dreamed about her every night, I'd wake up from the dreams crying and wanting to die. I got serious about being sober. I got 9 months sobriety and when she still wouldn't talk to me I relapsed. I think a big part of me was getting sober to get her back. On this relapse I nearly died and didn't care. I decided I need help, that I was suicidal. I went into a mental health clinic, on dispatch I desided to do residential inpatient for drug addiction. In a process group I poured out my heart about my ex. I was crying and yelling about it. It felt good, to let it out in a room of others. I decided I WANT to be sober, I'd do whatever it takes. I decided to not talk to her for at least 6 months. And a miracle happened, I built my relationship with God. I'm happy to say, almost 3 years since the break up I'm one year sober and would never go back with her. I don't even understand why I was so traumatized to begin with, I'm excited to meet other people. A whole new world is opened up to me. I wish her the best, but I don't want to be with her ever again. I want to move forward not backwards. We've even talked here and there, and I feel no odd emotions towards her. I see her completely as a friend. She will always be special to me, I'm grateful for that. I don't hate her. But she's not the one I will marry. I've let it go completely. Words cant emphasize how glad I am the grief process is over. It was the WORSE thing I've went through, I've been bullied, rough divorce from parents, and addicted to heroin/meth. Nothing broke me like this, second place would be half as bad. I'm glad the pain is gone. Not much helped me. Building a false hope that she'd come back would help temporarily but would make it worse when I saw through its false nature, I tried to build this hope by talking to friends that wanted to see me happy not tell me the truth about it. Also ancient wisdom's helped me "if you love her let her go, if she comes back it was meant to be" and prayer helped me. What helped me the most was talking to my dad that went through the same thing. I'm convinced he saved my life from suicidal harm. That's why I'm sharing this today, to give you hope. I was hopeless, it seemed impossible, but now the pain is gone. I wish I could of talked to myself back then, but everything happens for a reason and I'm grateful for the experience so I can provide hope to others. 2
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