Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Hey guys There's a guy ( my bestfriend) who I've always liked and always fancied but never known if he would consider me ( I hate chasing the guy it leaves me heartbroken if it doesn't work out) but at the same time there's another guy at the moment ( unemployed) who likes me. He's going back into study ...( a bit late in the game at 31) and never really held down a job before due to his clinical depression. I have never been so heavily pursued before. He texts me, calls and wanted to rush things in which I said no as it was important to wait before we decided to date. The fact that I've been single for 11 years doesn't put him.off even though I'm hugely insecure about it and embarrassed about the length between boyfriends. I'm surprised he doesn't find it off putting. As soon as I'm married I want tk have kids as I'm 30 now and I wonder if he can provide for me if I do get pregnant. The guy I do like, hasn't pursued me but I'm wondering to tell him how I feel. He's always been my bestfriend and we've always gotten on so well. There are red flags with the man whose pursuing me as he's unemployed, but I find my " insecurity about being oddly single for as long as I have been" is slowly getting healed. What do I do? Go for the one that chooses me? Or go for thr one that I would choose and risk getting my heart broken again?
Gaeta Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Do not pick a man because he picked you. Pick a man that you want, that is stable, reliable, respectful, patient, honest and that you like. This guy that you're talking about, no job, 31, chronic depression, etc etc etc, that is not marriage and father of your children material. Let that go. Also let go of that stupid, yes stupid idea that you are worth less than other women because you've been single for a long time. I was single for 10 years and I think very highly of myself. I don't need to explain myself to the men I meet. I was single because I wanted and needed to, period. Your best friend isn't the best idea either. You probably consider him because it's easier for you to aim at a man you already know then going out there finding someone new. You need to get out of your shell and live life. Yes you will meet men, yes they will disappoint you and even break your heart but it's not the end of the world, it's part of life, it won't kill you. Did you not bike like any other kids when you were young? didn't you fall off your bike and scrape your knee like other kids? didn't get better and forgot about it? Same thing with your heart. You scratch it, it heals, you forget about it and you start all over again. When you're old on your death bed what do you want to remember? All those time you did not risk and nothing happened? a long boring life of being afraid. Or you want to remember the risks you've taken, the love you experienced, the lessons you've learn. I had my heart broken several times and I don't regret any of it. When I am old and all I have left are my memories I will be glad I never held back in life. 5
Hopeful30 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Well form my own personal opinion, I would choose the man who would chose me. I never chase men, and I'm only want men who want me. If a man doesn't want me, I have no interest in him.
Targetlock Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Do what your heart wants, the one you want, you won't be happy until you try to get the one you want and then at least you'll know, even if it doesn't work out. never settle. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Thanks people You know i was at a wedding ( literally ) I was bridesmaid and witness my bestfriend and new husband marry & it was truly special. Before they got together lets call them Claudia and Eric .... claudia had no feelings at all towards eric at all. He had loads of savings but no job. He sold his house and his business and worked at a second hand store. Anyone would think they're was something wrong with him. Like a boomerang he kept coming back to her even though claudia at first was like "omg get away you're annoying " slowly she observed his lovely qualities and his soft heart and later fell for him... little by little. They're a match. He has got a new job and in september they're going to afraica to help those who are in dire need. What I'm saying is anything can happen between a couple. And I appreciate all your different perspectives. Even though this guy called ( I'll call him joe) has no job, clinical depression and what have you, I still do push him away and he still comea back like a boomerang. Desperation or just absolute love or interest? Obsession or what? A lot of men go absolutely CRAZY when they're in love and they do the most moronic and idiotic things but they're persistence usually wins the heart of the woman eventually. Most men have given up quick smart on certain types of woman, put them in the too hard basket, but I appreciate joe's persistence. I've never had someone pursue me really and pursue me this strongly. The only thing that he wanted to do was rush things but now he is not allowed to go for me on that front unless he has the blessing of my pastors and i absolutely know in my heart he is the right guy. But my bestfriend would be my first pick if I had the choice ( i hate chasing) but because he's not pursuing me I'm not sure. I'm attracted to my bestfriend. Not sure if my bestfriend is attracted to me and I'm not attracted to joe but joe is very attracted to me. Not at all sure knowing in what I'm supposed to do.
Versacehottie Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Um, i say no to joe. I wouldn't sign up for someone when the motivating factor is because they have great interest in me--unless that was a mutual feeling. You are worth more than that. And those sorts of relationships are disappointing. If your feelings develop for him over time (while you remain friends-not dating), well then that's a different story. I also think his state of mind/life doesn't really line up with him being able to be in the kind of relationship most girls want. It sounds like he is just clingy because his feelings for you are the one thing that he is obsessed about now. I see lots of red flags. I see no reason not to pursue what might be able to happen with your best guy friend. Those sorts of relationships tend to have long staying power anyway and are very multi-dimensional even if the start is not as clear or quick as non-friends relationships go. He may not have appeared to show any interest because he doesn't want to risk the friendship. Why not try a bit of flirting and see if he takes the bait? Gauge his interest a bit. There is a school of thought that goes to say that all guys fancy his best girl friend, which I happen to agree with. I don't know if a full out declaration on your end is necessary at this point. Flirt first and then you may have things exactly as you desire: he will pursue you. Though i do think that if you are already fast friends that it will be a little more balanced pursuing rather than all one-sided. All good though. Try with him or find a new guy. Let joe go. Good luck!
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 It's a hard one. My heart is softening towards joe only because he's filling that lonely love rank.it's hard to be alone. And perhaps I'm showing signs of desperation myself. If you've been underwater for a long, long time you arw desperate for that air and youre so grateful to reach the surface. It's a hard one to gage. Joe is not my first pick but I'm grateful for his interest and like for me even though he wouldn't choose him first hand had I be given the choice. But I adore my bestfriend ( lets call him sam) because I've always wanted to marry my bestfriend & that's what I consider sam to be. Sam makes me laugh, we meet each other on a spiritual and intellectual level... especially intellectual ... he doesn't let me win which is good. He treats me like an equal but it's difficult to ascertain his motives. I thought about writing an email or letter ... it's cowardly i guess because it's not face to face but I would rather put down my feelings matter of factly as I can write well. I guess I've always adored sam and loved him, but hadn't realised till recently. I adore spending time with him but spending time with joe is awkward. If I had the choice it would be sam hands down.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 I know I have hurt joe by pushing him away a lot. I know if sam and i did decide to date it would change a lot of things if not everything & joe's soft heart will be hurt.
Recommended Posts