mozartina Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 So, after 8 months of going strong, my boyfriend broke up with me. Here is my story - at first, he came on so strong and it overwhelmed me but eventually i got on board because i realized that he is a great catch. He told me he loved me after 7 weeks of being togeher and wantd to move in together after 3 months. I said I wasn't ready but i was falling in love with him, i mean, the guy's smart, fun, successful (to the nth degree - which will be an important part of the story later), totally in touch with his emotional side but very masculine, expressive, affectionate, and just plain terrific. He was so fabulous that after 7 weeks of knowing him, i brought him to my 30th birthday party where he knew NO ONE, was faced with 2 sets of my parents at once and over 50 friends, and was incredible. He mingled, got to know everyone, and even enjoyed himself. The next 6 months were great. We just have the best time together and rarely disagree, although when we do, we go through the motions of a fight and then are able to sort through the situation....until now. so, in December, around Xmas-time, he started acting funny adn i finally got out of him what was wrong - he wasn't feeling intimate and he wanted some time/space to think about things. so after being hysterical over the phone, positive that he was ending our relationship, i said i'd give him the space he needed. i went to my friends' house in philly the next day and he starterd calling me non-stop. And i'm thniking to myself - I thought you needed space! so then he decided we could definitely work through it and he wanted to be with me but we had to ramp things up in the bedroom - no arguments from my end. so we spent new years together and had a terrific weekend. And had a terrific weekend the following weekend. Then, I was getting insecure, so teh followign weekend i got on his case about how come he hadn't gone to see his therapist (that he promised to stick with after the Xmas ordeal) AND, where were we in our relationship timewise. I should also add, that he is in the process of buying a new business, and a very large one at that. AND, he already owns his own business. we're talking a lot of dough on the line here. So, he's in the process of doing what's called "due diligence" on the acquisition of the new company and it may require him to relocate. BUT, before you get alarmed, he'd be relocating to my city actually and could commute to where he lives. sorry it's confusing. Anyway i was getting at what did it mean for us in terms of moving in together, where would we live etc? he said he wasn't sure how long it would take and that we had to deal with the issue that arose around Xmas-time before we took the next step anyway. This was teh same guy remember who wanted to live togehter after 3 months! so, 2 weeks after that, he's not calling me as much, not emialing me as much, and then ends up with a wicked flu adn tells me not to spend the weekend with him. he lilves 45 mins away from him but i usually go to his house once a week (and commute to work from there) and spend the weekends with him. so, even though he's sick, he'd rather not see me for a 2 week stretch then have me come up. fine, some people don't like to be aroudn others when theyr'e sick.....right? well, this is what i tell myself. then he doesn't call me all weekend! the whole weekend! Turns out, he WAS deathly ill and ended up going to the emergency room on Sunday for dehydration and STILL didn't call me! i called out of worry several times, no answer and no call back. Final chapter: on Monday morning i got him on the phone, he tells me the story of the sick weekend and that he'll call me that nigth becuase he's slammed with work. he called me mon night and i k new something was really wrong. he wasn't himself. finally, i get ou tof him that he feels that he's not being fair to our relationship, he'd drowning with work, he can't run the company, acquire another with millions of dollars on teh line AND be in a relationship. it's not fair to me and not fair to us and not fair to him and it upsets him that he's disapointing me and that he can't spend time with me, but he can't even put thought into it becuase he's burning the candle at both ends and he doesn't know what to do. so i asked him if he had a proposed solution....he didn't, but said that he needed to take a break from teh relationship and focus on his career becuase he had too much on the line adn was in danger of losing everything. hello! you're going to lose me! the love of your life (supposedly). I was hysterical and devastated and still am. i miss him and love him so much and i feel like maybe he'll call and come back to me afer he realizes what he did. he claims to still love me and still be in love wtih me but he just can't function right now. he had to go to california this weekend, so now this is the 2nd weekend not togehter and i am besides myself with missing him! help! do you think he'll come back?
Lila9393 Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 Sorry my dear..."He's Just not In to YOu" If you love someone, who don't push them away, you would want to be together.. Don't hold your breath for him to come back, you are wasting valuable time for you to meet a great person, who will treat you the the way you should be treated.... He doesn't deserve your love anyway!!! MOVE on.. GOOD LUCK!
upsetnhurt Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 mozartina, My sympathies go out to you. Most of us on this forum have been or presently are in the same situation. It is so hard for me to convince myself of the advice that I will give you yet I know it is what we both need to hear. .......Timing is everything Mozartina and the only way a relationship can work is if both parties are willing to put more than 100% into it. You seem to be willing yet he is not. I don't buy his reasons, that being work, sick, etc......the main fact is that he is unwilling to invest the time that is necessary. The first three months of your relationship need to be disregarded as they were simply an "infatuation" time period. His true colors are coming out. That is not to say that he is in any way a bad person, simply to say that this is the person who you should be determining your feelings for. Do you deserve this treatment? Had you met him now, would you still find him as complete a person as before? Probably not and you deserve to find those qualities in someone else. I know what I say sounds right....yet I also know how hard it is to accept as I am having the same hard time. My ex was everything to me and keeps to this day telling me that I am the greatest guy she has ever met in her life.....yet with all that said her emotional baggage (guilt, love maybe) carried with her from a prior relationship prevents her from moving forward with me and she gives me the same answers like you got......that being that she doesnt want to disappoint me, etc....etc.....The right answer is to be happy we met them and know it has nothing to do with ourselves and to know that the right person is out there. Unfortunately, and take it from me, any involvement that you have with him during this time period will go unappreciated by him and will only cause you further grief in the end. Lets get ourselves healthy in all aspects and who knows they might realize what they lost and you will be either be ready for it down the road or would have moved on to happier places...Best of luck and hope I opened your eyes a bit for a short time....
sportynut38 Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is almost exactly the same situation I am in, and have been in for the past seven weeks. My guy said he needed time and space as to his life being totally chaotic and since has said that he feels that he is under so much pressure he couldn't handle anything more. I don't have any great advice or anything that will help. All I know is that you have to live every day to your best, you have to do what you can ... and you have to follow your heart. I have high hopes that when the dust settles on their lives, that they finally realize that the one thing they pushed away is the one thing they really need in their lives. And until that time, if ever ... live your days as if you don't have another. Take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck
JoL Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Sometimes a relationship is about timing. I once read an article that said most people will end up marrying the person they meet at the right "time" in their lives..when they have decided it's time to get married and start a family. This person may not actually be the "love of their lives" but the person that best suits the role at that time in their life. I don't know if this is the case with your man. But i think the best thing here to do would be to give him his space and let him know (if you are prepared) to give him time to come back to you. If after the dust settles he starts to date someone else- dont be shocked or upset..it could very well happen. Perhaps you are the "love of his life" but maybe you just met at the wrong time. He could end up with some VERY major regrets about this, but there is not much you can do, other than accept that this could be possibly the end of the line. Sorry to be so cynical, but he doesnt seem very positive about things..which is a bad sign.
neule9 Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Whatever you do, don't call him or get into contact with him. And, if anything, just be thankful you found this out now, only 7 months into it. In the early stages, we all think someone is ideal, we put them on a pedestal. He probably was not the right one for you. It's hard to digest, right? And, I hate to stay this, but if his problem was "being intimate" he might have some problems of his own....you usually don't say those things so early,right?
upsetnhurt Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 If you choose to let him know that he should take the space that he needs, by all means do not indicate to him that you will be waiting around. You won't be and you will be getting yourself healthy and meeting far better people. You may not think so now but you will be laughing at this ways down the road since you will be so much happier with someone else. Remember, b y calling him and touching base subsequent to letting him go, you will be hurting any opportunities that he would have to realize just how much a priority you truly are to him.
CoolAunt Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Originally posted by neule9 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Whatever you do, don't call him or get into contact with him. And, if anything, just be thankful you found this out now, only 7 months into it. In the early stages, we all think someone is ideal, we put them on a pedestal. He probably was not the right one for you. It's hard to digest, right? And, I hate to stay this, but if his problem was "being intimate" he might have some problems of his own....you usually don't say those things so early,right? Originally posted by upsetnhurt If you choose to let him know that he should take the space that he needs, by all means do not indicate to him that you will be waiting around. You won't be and you will be getting yourself healthy and meeting far better people. You may not think so now but you will be laughing at this ways down the road since you will be so much happier with someone else. Remember, b y calling him and touching base subsequent to letting him go, you will be hurting any opportunities that he would have to realize just how much a priority you truly are to him. Mozartina, listen to these two. I'd like to add that you should focus on YOU now so that, as upsetnhurt stated, you'll be too busy to worry about him if/when he comes crawling back to you.
Author mozartina Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 neule9, upsetnhurt and cool aunt thanks so much for you thoughts. i am not calling but it takes every ounce of energy i have not to. i just feel like, isn't he missing me at all? or is he too damn busy to even have it hit him or is he forcing himself into believing that he made the rigth decision. i'm just tring to get through each day without calling him and i've been successful so far but it's not even like i want to move on. i jsut want to be wtih him. when my ex-fiance broke my heart, i was angry, eventhough i knew our relationship was not terrific. wheni met this man, i felt differently. we have such grat communicationand so much fun together! so it's hard to face the days without him. with my ex, i knew i wanted the pain to stop but i also knew that i was better off without him and that i had to get over him. i don't feel that way now, i jsut feel like i'm in limbo....do you think it'll ever hit him or that he has doubts?
upsetnhurt Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 mozartina, I'm proud of you! I had so many thoughts today of my ex girlfriend and similar to you went through all the same thoughts such as how can they give up on me and not miss me at all. We tend to think these other people are living it up. Little do we know mozartina that they are more confused than we are and if they are living it up, then they very well might have a crash landing real soon. You say your communication was so great yet think about it.....you would not be in this situation if it was so great. We all think we had great communication with our ex's yet there is something within them that does not allow them to open up.......it has nothing to do with you. Keep it up and keep telling yourself that it is his loss!
Author mozartina Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 so, the best friend's wife emialed me yesterday. it seems that her and her husband, had NO idea we've split up. i don't get it. do men ever share with anyone? or, is it case in point that he's just THAT busy that he didn't even tell his best friend? Or, did he keep it from him because he knows he'll tell him that he's a moron for breaking up with me? The wife feels terrible, she told me that he's a moron, and she's in complete shock! who knows. i still can't beleive i havent' heard from him.....i teeter between being pissed off and feeling like my heart is in a vice...is this normal? And i'm sooooooooooooo not interested in moving on. i just feel like i get through each day....barely.
upsetnhurt Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Mozartina, I have a great story for you . Today I found out that my sister was quite under the weather and had to be taken to the hospital.......and here I am realizing that my priorities are all messed up. My family, the ones who adore and cherish me, deserve all of my thoughts at the moment yet for some stupid reason I keep flooding my mind with thoughts of my ex who in my opinion is still the greatest person alive. It pissed me off enough to pick up the phone and break two and a half months of silence......not to say that I wanted her back at all yet I needed some closure as I have been kidding myself and been wandering hopelessly for sometime just hoping she would come to her senses. Keep in mind that she left me as she said she was still emotionally unavailable (after a year of seeing eachother) from her previous relationship of four years. This ex stalked her and I and even glued my door locks, poured paint thinner all over my car, and followed us everyone for entire year. She never told anyone including her family. So....during this conversation I asked why she never called me to see if I was safe subsequent to our breakup, not so much to remain friendly as I know it would have been difficult....She says that she wanted to put everything in the past and move on and realized it is always difficult to talk to an ex. So then I asked had she spoken to him and she mentioned that they email now and that she has seen him a few times. What happened to not talking to exs? Quite a slap in my face I took it as here I was a model citizen and a damn good guy to her yet she apparently can stay in touch with him. The advice I am giving you is that rather than trying to guess what he is doing and wasting thoughts on him, realize he is watching out for his own back and is quite selfish in that way. You nor I need anyone like that in our lives and would be doing a great disservice by settling. I know the thought scares both of us yet there are people out there who can fulfill our needs. Best of luck and stop thinking about him so much .
Tonia2 Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 It is uncanny how similar my situation is (please see other posts - I am going through the wringer at the moment with it). Are there any updates? My guy seemed the most emotionally stable man I have ever met, brilliant with family and friends and willing to completely immerse himself in my life/ look after it. You will see on the other posting that what actually precipitated our break-up last week was me reading him some dumb pop psychology website about committment phobia. It was a totally uncanny article that described his behaviour to a t - talking about the future from really early on, wanting to change the oil in your car (this he did in week 2!) etc. etc. Middle phase, the committment phobe detatches themselves from you gradually - starting by wanting to spend less time with your friends/ family, becoming increasingly distant, not committing to the future and picking on your perceived faults (particularly ones that you can't change). Finally they blow your faults out of all proportion and basically goad you into leaving them. The line that he identified with most was that they are too scared to stay and too scared to go... Anyway, don't know if this is helpful. I think mine is having serious withdrawl symptoms. I am not sure whether these are indicative of him changing his mind or not, but i am on day 2 of NC and feel more empowered than i have for ages (i instigated it). He hs broken that a couple of times. Mine (unlike the sound of yours) is fundamentally a really nice guy (see emails on other posting), so i would be prepared to have him back, but would you really want yours back? I feel for you...
rachelli Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Hi, My ex was similarly strange....came on strong in the beginning, then suddenly made excuses to be too busy for me. I was given a book that really explains the problem-of guys who split when things are really going well, confusing the woman who remembers how much he loved her in the beginning. Its called "Men Who Cant Love" by Carter & Sokol. Give it a try....it hasnt mad em completely give up hope that the old "him" will come crawling back, but it gave me much more understanding that this is a guy's personal problem, having nothing to do with us women. Read it-I hope you find some comfort!
Author mozartina Posted February 15, 2005 Author Posted February 15, 2005 Rachelli i will check out the book....thanks! i'm feeling especially sad this week. he hasn't contacetd me in 2 weeks now and i really thought he would. the ONLY thing i keep telling myself is that he's really that busy with his business deals right now. plus, the wife of his best friend emails me and has said that they havent' even seen him in the past 3 weeks, since we all had plans...and she is in shock and still can't believe this is going on....i'm not so sure i believe it either still but i suppose as time goes on without hearing from him, it'll become more of a reality. why is it so painful? it is just SO confusing the he fell in love so quickly, or so he said, and then gradually, once i was on board with being in love, pulled away. i will DEFINITELY check the book out....has it helped you cope? C
muffin Posted February 16, 2005 Posted February 16, 2005 that all guys fall to that same excuse when they are wanting out of a relationship. They start saying they are stressed or busy or have this or that going on. Very few have the jewels to be honest and up front about why they are acting flaky. Or then there's what the lowest on the totem pole do, is try to pin some kind of blame on the woman and make it look like something she's done to cause the relationship to fail. Scumbags. One red flag to watch for is to be wary of someone who comes on very strong saying he loves you or wants to move in with you in a short period of time after meeting you. That's not a normal progression in a relationship, even for someone who moves fast. The second red flag to watch for is if you say you need more time and that is not an acceptable answer to him. Then you know something's wrong, if your needs and wishes are not respected. If this jerkwad wants to be married to his work then let him be. And if he gets lonely one of these weekends let him go find a one night stand, don't let him come back and soil your sheets. Take care and think of you first.
Author mozartina Posted February 17, 2005 Author Posted February 17, 2005 Muffin, all good points. definitely. the ONLY thing i'll say is that i feel like he would have the jewels, or just say he's not happy. or something missing, or something other than work. and i do understand that his busy is a gazillion times more busy than my busy so i do sort of believe him. that said, i also thought that i'd hear from him by now. i'ts been over 2 weeks and it still keeps me anxious all the time.....in terms of coming on strong and then retreating...well, i agree with you. big red flag. will i get over this?
upsetnhurt Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Mozartina, What makes you think that his priorities will ever change? If he calls and still maintains this mentality, would you still want to be with a man like this?
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