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Dating a guy who got out of a 5-year relationship about a year ago: not over his ex?

paigej91

By paigej91
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paigej91 Established Member

paigej91

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A guy I've been dating for a couple months is 25 (I'm 22) and we really seem to get along well- but he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship about 1.5 months in when we "talked". I didn't see this as a bad thing, but I didn't ask the reason. I wasn't sure what I wanted at the time, so I was okay with this answer. We kept dating.

 

Throughout our time dating, now and then he'll bring up his ex girlfriend. I hadn't really asked anything about his previous girlfriend, since that's always kind of a sensitive topic. But today I finally asked one question more and asked how long the relationship was for. I found out the relationship was for 5 years, and about a year ago (I think a bit over a year ago) he moved to a different part of the city because of the breakup. I stopped the conversation at that...because it was obviously pretty serious. I just said "Aww, what a shame..." and he made a joke about it to make the mood lighter.

 

Since I've never had a relationship longer than a year, I really can't begin to fathom how significant a 5-year relationship would be from ages 19-24 (about). Is the reason he doesn't want a relationship probably still due to emotional ties/bagage with the ex?

Edited by paigej91
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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It's possible but from what you posted & not knowing him, we can't say for sure whether he was just burned & is now cautious or he's not over her.

deathandtaxes Established Member

deathandtaxes

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Saying they don't want something when they're actively dating you is just juvenile bull**** gameplaying. Um hello, you are in a relationship, whether he wants to admit it or not.

 

 

A year out of a five year thing, he should know if what he may or may not want. We all have baggage. That **** accumulates the more you live and the longer you live. It's how you handle it that matters. If in his conversations with you, you can tell he's still obsessed with her or not over her, then there's a problem. But five years is an awful long time to be with somebody. Invariably a lot of things happened with the ex and are a part of his makeup, so of course she will creep into his stories.

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paigej91 Established Member

paigej91

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A year out of a five year thing, he should know if what he may or may not want. We all have baggage. That **** accumulates the more you live and the longer you live. It's how you handle it that matters. If in his conversations with you, you can tell he's still obsessed with her or not over her, then there's a problem. But five years is an awful long time to be with somebody. Invariably a lot of things happened with the ex and are a part of his makeup, so of course she will creep into his stories.

 

Yeah I mean I'm surprised she doesn't come up more often given that it was 5 years. He's pretty good at keeping things about her to himself so I doubt he's still obsessed. My question for the forum is more about how a relationship like that would affect your perspective/style of dating in comparison to someone who's never had a relationship longer than 1 or 2 years (ie: the other men I've dated). My assumption is that even after a year it might be really difficult to have a relationship with someone else without comparing/thinking about your previous relationship a lot.

veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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I think a year would be an appropriate healing time for a 5 yr relationship. I mean yes 5 years is a lot but its not a lifetime, I don't mean to diminish what he is going through, but I think a year would be appropriate and if healing is taking much longer than that, he is either not trying to heal or he needs some professional help.

 

Are you sure that it's "he's not over her" ? Perhaps it's more...he's been in a relationship almost all of his adult life and now wants to enjoy being single for a few years? I was in a relationship from 19-23 and I didnt WANT another relationship til I was about 26. I was over my ex long before that, but wanted to enjoy being single!

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Joangel Established Member

Joangel

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I dated a guy for eight months and I feel like I dated his ex too. We were both out of equality long relationships but he was just not mentally over his. After a while it got old. I founded myself hating this woman who I never met. I eventually woke up and realized I deserve to be with a guy who at the very least is willing to give me a fresh start. My advice run!

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paigej91 Established Member

paigej91

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Are you sure that it's "he's not over her" ? Perhaps it's more...he's been in a relationship almost all of his adult life and now wants to enjoy being single for a few years? I was in a relationship from 19-23 and I didnt WANT another relationship til I was about 26. I was over my ex long before that, but wanted to enjoy being single!

 

That makes a ton of sense, too. Perhaps it's a combination of both. I don't know the details of why/who broke up with who, but I would just imagine it'd really affect how someone approaches dating. In other words, he must approach dating differently than most 20-somethings who haven't had very long relationships most of their lives.

snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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You seem to have a pattern of ending up in situations with guys who tell you they aren't looking for anything and then spinning your wheels. Maybe get to the root of why you continue to do this.

RonaldS Established Member

RonaldS

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Saying they don't want something when they're actively dating you is just juvenile bull**** gameplaying. Um hello, you are in a relationship, whether he wants to admit it or not.

Mmmmm....not quite.

 

People have all different types and degrees of relationships. It's possible to date casually and hang out with another person without it automatically progressing through 'relationship stages', with it culminating in a full-blown long-term committed relationship.

 

Sounds to me like he was pretty upfront about where he was at. I've done that. 'Hey, I'm not looking for a serious relationship. Love hanging out with you, yada yada yada, not looking for anything substantial'.

 

The girl knows this but continues to hang out with the guy expecting him to change how he feels, and when he doesn't, it's his fault?

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paigej91 Established Member

paigej91

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You seem to have a pattern of ending up in situations with guys who tell you they aren't looking for anything and then spinning your wheels. Maybe get to the root of why you continue to do this.

 

Since I joined the forum I have only dated 2 guys for a substantial amount of time. I don't think that's enough to conclude anything.

snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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Since I joined the forum I have only dated 2 guys for a substantial amount of time. I don't think that's enough to conclude anything.

 

Okay. Good luck.

Omei Established Member

Omei

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I dated someone for 5 years it ended a year ago and im still not over it everytime I try to date im kidding myself. I do want a relationship and I don't at the same time.

 

Not saying hes just like me but it is very possible.

 

And btw there is no timeframe for healing at all you can be over a breakup but still not ready to be with another.

Edited by Omei
Salvatore85 Established Member

Salvatore85

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I was in a 5-year relationship(22-27) and we've been broken up for a little over a year and I still have issues trusting people due to it. I have major reservations about getting into another relationship. So for me, it would be completely irresponsible to start something with someone new when I'm still not completely over the break up and sadly, still have feelings for her. Your boyfriend is probably feeling the same way.

thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

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I dated someone for 5 years it ended a year ago and im still not over it everytime I try to date im kidding myself. I do want a relationship and I don't at the same time.

 

 

 

I feel like that too. Although the relationship I'm referring to lasted about 3 years. The prospect of something serious is something I want, but at the same time, it's not something I'd want to rush into. I can't just meet someone, go on a few dates, then turn into a couple...but if that's how most people do it....I'm doomed :o I know relationships take time to build and happy enough to be patient with it. I don't want to leap into it.

 

 

Last guy I was seeing said he understood that I wasn't in a rush/hate the pressure of starting something serious but he wanted the label straight away and it felt like pressure - every date felt like he wanted me to be his girlfriend and it was just a matter of him persuading me. Sadly it didn't work out. I knew from the get go that he was 100% into idea of relationship with me and it felt like too much. Don't get me wrong - I want someone that's into me...but I want to feel like we're taking more time figuring each other out.

 

 

I kind of like the idea of meeting someone, slowly developing attachment, one accidental kiss and then boom "where do we stand with each other?"...just something that grows from meeting someone with no expectations at first (or at least not ones that are out in the open).

 

 

Am I a commitment-phobe? :/

Omei Established Member

Omei

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I feel like that too. Although the relationship I'm referring to lasted about 3 years. The prospect of something serious is something I want, but at the same time, it's not something I'd want to rush into. I can't just meet someone, go on a few dates, then turn into a couple...but if that's how most people do it....I'm doomed :o I know relationships take time to build and happy enough to be patient with it. I don't want to leap into it.

 

 

Last guy I was seeing said he understood that I wasn't in a rush/hate the pressure of starting something serious but he wanted the label straight away and it felt like pressure - every date felt like he wanted me to be his girlfriend and it was just a matter of him persuading me. Sadly it didn't work out. I knew from the get go that he was 100% into idea of relationship with me and it felt like too much. Don't get me wrong - I want someone that's into me...but I want to feel like we're taking more time figuring each other out.

 

 

I kind of like the idea of meeting someone, slowly developing attachment, one accidental kiss and then boom "where do we stand with each other?"...just something that grows from meeting someone with no expectations at first (or at least not ones that are out in the open).

 

 

Am I a commitment-phobe? :/

 

No I dont think so I have told every guy who pressured for official right away it wasn't going to work out honestly I felt like a commitment phobe too but I realized putting all my efforts into my last relationship only to have them stomp on it all the time and eventually leave, I need to have someone come show me because I dont have the strength to throw everything on the table anymore without being proven to that it will be worth it.

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