Aquarius Guy Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 A woman has a husband who is rude to her and others in a family business. The husband seems upset about something, but the woman does not know what he is upset about, or how to make things better. So I am trying to suggest questions for the woman to ask her husband, to try to understand her husband's bad attitude. Since the husband has a bad attitude, he probably will not answer the questions at first, and not answer seriously, the first time he does answer back. The questions are intended to be repeated, over weeks, or months, as part of a process of seeking solutions. The questions are not intended as a quick fix, or to yield a simplistic answer. QUESTIONS FOR THE WIFE TO ASK THE UPSET HUSBAND: 1. Why are you upset? 2. Why do you sound upset? 3. Is there a reason that you are giving me a short, abrupt answer? 4. Is there a reason that you are speaking to me in a harsh tone of voice? 5. If I have offended you in some way, please let me know how I can make up for my being inconsiderate. AS FEEDBACK: a. Your sound upset. b. Your manner expresses the idea that you are being treated unfairly. c. You sound like you are angry about something, ASSERTING A REQUEST FOR RESPECT: A. I would prefer that you speak to me in a more congenial manner. //
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 How about the husband just grow up and talk about what's bothering him like an adult? Does this "rude" husband really expect his wife to plead for answers over weeks? Self-absorbed husband perhaps? 2
Author Aquarius Guy Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 How about the husband just grow up and talk about what's bothering him like an adult? Does this "rude" husband really expect his wife to plead for answers over weeks? Self-absorbed husband perhaps? The husband's mother is in the hospital, with a serious mental deterioration. The Husband's side of the family is under stress due to expenses for their mother. So the husband is acting unreasonably, but maybe not in an evil manner. Family stress is part of marriage, but the challenge is to work through the stress. Good insight. //
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 You cannot "Nice" people into showing you respect. "I would prefer that you speak to me in a more congenial manner." is unlikely to work. Try it once. When it fails say this: "You talk to me without respect and as though you are pissed off. Being rude instead of talking your problems over with me is passive aggressive childishness. Now, what is really your problem?" and refuse to accept the similar behaviour, challenging this childish tedious ill humour every time until he stops or tackles it. 2
RomanticBride Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Thank you. As a woman who is currently trying to grow with her husband, I really appreciate this. Can you give me some tips as well, please, on how to help a man who may be feeling depressed and insecure feel respected and loved unconditionally?
MidwestUSA Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 "What the **** is your problem?" usually works for me. 4
Author Aquarius Guy Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Thank you. As a woman who is currently trying to grow with her husband, I really appreciate this. Can you give me some tips as well, please, on how to help a man who may be feeling depressed and insecure feel respected and loved unconditionally? The Love and Respect tapes by Eggerich have an anchronym, CHAIRS for a Wife to show Respect to her husband, and boost his Ego. Eggerich talks about women have to learn how men feel good, because women feel good differently from Men. CHAIRS c = Conquest. What are his favorite sports teams, and how does she avoid praising rivals? Does she avoid contradicting the people he is trying to show respect? h = Hierarchy. Does the wife understand the importance of people in the family and in her husband's family and work? A Authority. Does she understand the areas of the house over which the husband desires control? I = Insight. Respecting the beliefs of her husband's values and ideals R Relationship. Does she accompany her husband at times when he desires companionship, or does she find excuses of other things to do? S Sexuality. Does she understand and accommodate her husband's desires and individuality?
Joangel Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 When I was married I learned the last thing to do was push an issue. Give him room. Let him know gently that you are there for him if he wants to talk. Nothing else. Keep your body language comfortable and act as if nothing is wrong. If he doesn't come around, try again later at home. This normally worked for me. Men like to solve their own problems without help. You asking him a bunch of questions just adds to the pressure.
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 The husband's mother is in the hospital, with a serious mental deterioration. The Husband's side of the family is under stress due to expenses for their mother. So the husband is acting unreasonably, but maybe not in an evil manner. Family stress is part of marriage, but the challenge is to work through the stress. Good insight. // And my mother died of cancer. Which was horrible and stressful for me, especially with my anxiety and depression issues already. But I did not act like a jerk to everyone. Wife needs to tell him to knock it off pronto. It is okay to be upset. It is not okay to be rude to people. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 The Love and Respect tapes by Eggerich have an anchronym, CHAIRS for a Wife to show Respect to her husband, and boost his Ego. Eggerich talks about women have to learn how men feel good, because women feel good differently from Men. CHAIRS c = Conquest. What are his favorite sports teams, and how does she avoid praising rivals? Does she avoid contradicting the people he is trying to show respect? h = Hierarchy. Does the wife understand the importance of people in the family and in her husband's family and work? A Authority. Does she understand the areas of the house over which the husband desires control? I = Insight. Respecting the beliefs of her husband's values and ideals R Relationship. Does she accompany her husband at times when he desires companionship, or does she find excuses of other things to do? S Sexuality. Does she understand and accommodate her husband's desires and individuality? I hope to god there's an equivalent process for men to show respect to their wives and build *their* egos, which includes of course, understanding and accommodating his wife's desires and individuality. 2
2sunny Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 It looks like your approach is very timid. Why don't you get blatantly honest with him? His family is stressed - I get that - do you think being mean helps that situation? When he's mean - tell him he's mean and it's completely unreasonable!!! I will tell you - being nice to someone being mean does NOT make them be nicer to you. Call him out on the behavior. Tell him when it's unreasonable. And tell him what your requirements are for any person who intends to be decent. We train people how to treat us - you've allowed him to treat you poorly. He may need to get scared you will leave of he doesn't change. Above all else - do not think bad behavior is acceptable! It's not!!!
2sunny Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Dear Which Way is Up, Thanks for your reponse and ideas. My wife is motivated to be nurturing and motherly. My wife is willing to take some effort to fix me food to eat. My wife is very defensive about criticizing either our son, daughter or grandchildren. My wife is motivated to suport our son to finish his college degree, but she is afraid to ask him for a transcript of his college grades. My son is apparently complaining that he was unable to sufficiently concentrate on college because I paid for his room to move out of the house. In addition I pay hi car note and insurance. My wife pays his Life and Health Insurance. My wife is motivated to be nurturing to our son, and overlook the fact that his grades were dropping before he moved out. It is natural for youngsters to blame their parents for an failures that might occur. I have asked my wife for a plan for our son to better establish respect for me, as I sense that my son is avoiding discussing his ides of blaming me, with me. So one suggestion I had for my wife was to ask our son to look at his college grade transcripts. Not to make a big fuss about it, just that when my son starts playing the violin for my wife, that she has something to say that will bring him more into reality. "That is a shame that Dad has caused these problems. Maybe if I had a copy of your college grade trasnscipt I could show your dad how wrong he was." I think it is an important stage for my son to bleme me for things and not want to talk to me. But I want my wife to be in the mode of not joining him in his disrspectful bolognia. I planted some grass seed in a couple bare spots in the front yard, today, so my wife seemed somewhat pleased. Ties into her being interested in pleasing the neighbors. My wife is also motivated to please her church memberr friends, and find ways to make me appear wrong, in comparison to how her friends believe I should think. This was your post a long while back... Have you resolved any of these situations in your marriage? Things seem terribly unbalanced.
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