Soverysad123 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 My H and I work well together in terms of two people living in the same home parenting our children. We have lovely family time together and do lots as a family. He is a good, kind man and loves his family. We have been together for 20 years, married for 12. I love my husband but I just don't fancy him. I never want sex with him and if we do, which is hardly ever, I feel terrible afterwards and cry myself to sleep. After about the first year of being together I lost the desire to sleep with him. Sex is a chore and I will do anything and everything to get out of it. He finds me attractive and wants it all the time. I think we have no chemistry, he disagrees but for me there is none. He has always said I have a problem and I thought I did until I had an affaire. He does not know about it and it's now over. It lasted a year and the chemistry and sex was amazing. Do you think with MC and hard work I could get that feeling with my H? Or is that side of our marriage never going to be more than it is. I was happy with how things were until I met exMM and now know how amazing it is to have that closeness.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 (edited) SoVerySad123, what a sad situation. An affair can ruin you for sex with your spouse, that's no surprise. Sex outside marriage is exciting. It is pure pleasure. It has no diapers, washing up, bills, work, domestic disputes or general tedious stuff. It is also forbidden (which if you need to feel bad, to feel sexy, is exciting). It is also thrilling because of the danger. Where sex goes, feelings follow. Result is, you are now in a situation where in your mind your husband is the reliable boring tedious guardian of all the crap, and your affair partner gets all the shiny glossy exciting good associations, and you also feel guilty about that. Sounds pretty sh*tty all round. I remark, I pity your H, the poor sap. "After about the first year of being together I lost the desire to sleep with him" I presume you married him seven years later and then had children. Sounds like there may be just a touch of rationalisation there: "it must be very bad, it always was very bad, bad enough to drive me to make me act this way, it was not me making choices and taking the consequences, I was forced." Solution is: Tell your husband about your affair: then your problem will be solved, because quite likely he won't want to have sex with you either. Of course, you don't want to do this because you fear the consequences. You're not entirely a cake eater - the affair ended (you say nothing about why, so I will assume it was not because you ended it in order to concentrate on your marriage). You are also here agonising. But it's all about you, not about making him happy or if not happy, enlightened as to the reasons why so he can make his own decisions. Nothing will be right in your life while you live a lie - and while you force your husband to live a lie. That is just pure selfishness at his direct expense. He knows something is wrong because "Sex is a chore and I will do anything and everything to get out of it." Why make the guy live that life just because you can't be honest. Let him make decisions about his life based on the truth. To answer your question seriously: MC can absolutely improve your lives. Potentially. But only if you tell him the truth and admit your affair. You have to be willing to risk that, to get the potential reward of increased intimacy. Which it does not sound as though you are particularly committed to. Otherwise it would be a cruel farce. Good luck OP with being strong enough to be honest. Edited April 26, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy Ruined for your spouse 2
A.Moscote Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Two persons who love and care each other, working hand in hand, with honesty, openness, understanding and respect, and both of them are based on the same truth and goals. Throw in some patience, courage and time. How can they fail? They'll make it eventually... unless there is missing element. 1
dichotomy Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 So at one point there was some sexual attraction and chemistry - at least for a year? When it was there was it good? Can you pin point why it changed? What happened? any idea? I think MC is useless unless there was something he starting doing to change your interest - sounds more like you might benefit from IC. Is there anything your husband could do or change about things - to being back some modest sexual interest on your part?
not-so-sure Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 I'll be honest, I find you disgusting. If this was the case after the first year, why did you stay with him? Get some morals? Got social skills? Not useful. What are these "morals" in the context you're talking about. If you're talking about this first year, for some the "moral" view is that once you're married, you're married. OP can't go back and fix that, so she asks about how to move forward from this point. How in any way does your "contribution" add to this thread? 1
Author Soverysad123 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Got social skills? Not useful. What are these "morals" in the context you're talking about. If you're talking about this first year, for some the "moral" view is that once you're married, you're married. OP can't go back and fix that, so she asks about how to move forward from this point. How in any way does your "contribution" add to this thread? Thank you for your support. I completely understand that having an A was wrong. I never thought I would but I did. I need to live with that. My husband would be a broken man if he knew and I believe he would forgive me but always have a broken heart. I am not telling h, telling him would help me but not him. I should of thought about that I know before having the A but I didn't. I messed up big time, and to make things worst I miss my exMM more than anything. None of this is right but what I do know is maybe I can do the right thing for my H and children. My H and I don't really disagree and really work well just lacking the spark. I just wanted to know if anyone had been in my shoes and not had any spark, sexual desire for there partner and with hard work and MC it came back. If you had asked me 13 months ago would I ever have an affair I would not have to of thought about the answer. But I did and I need to live with it. For all the highs of an A there are also a hell of a lot of lows. FredJones80 I am not sure of your situation and I hope you are in a very happy marriage but by the tone of your post you probably have issues. Let's not judge but help. Everybody makes mistakes, forgiven is needed on life otherwise we turn bitter and sad.
not-so-sure Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I'm a WS myself and I struggled for six months following the end of the affair to confess to my wife. TiredFamilyGuy has made some statements which absolutely rang true for me at the time I confessed. It is very difficult to even begin to look at intimacy if you're hiding something from your partner. However, my view on confession has moderated a little bit. There is a big element of ar*e covering in the decision not to disclose, but I feel now in some cases such a decision has mostly the right motivations - i.e. protecting your mate. There are always two side to the coin and that is the kind of turmoil a WS goes through. Six months after my confession, I'm still not convinced that it was the right choice. I suspect my wife may have been one of those 'don't ask, don't tell' types, but the knowledge has affected her and us, as you expect. You've already made the statement that you won't tell your husband - that's you choice to make - but I think you'll find it very difficult to reengage with him in maintaining that secret. And any marriage counselling you do is going to be clouded by your inability to be truthful about a significant factor affecting your relationship. It sounds like it's early days for you. Take your time to work things out in your head. Affairs have a very powerful effect on emotions and it's probably getting in the way of some clear thought on your part. It's been a year since my affair ended and I still have the occasional moments where I really miss the AP. I'm human, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't dwell on it and it soon passes. But my confession was like having a valve released. It was the hardest choice I ever made, but it opened the door to other possibilities. Unfortunately, that possibility might not be the one you want but you're not really rolling the dice at that point. You did that when the affair started. Do you have any idea why you don't feel sexually attracted to your husband? Whatever you manage to spark in the future with him is not going to have the same visceral qualities as those feelings your AP gave you. That's just the nature of the beast, and if you're looking for that I think you'll wind up disappointed. TL;DR. MC will require honesty to work. At the moment you can't give that so it's less likely to be successful. 2
oldshirt Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 MC won't be "THE" answer but it might be a component towards improving both your lives somewhat. What MC might help you do is address some of the communication and relationship issues going on in your marriage. However what is at the heart of your dilemma here is your lack of attraction and desire for your husband. MC won't help that in and of it'self. It may help you identify what caused your loss of desire and may help you communicate that to your husband, but it likely will not fix it. Example - if he has gained 50lbs since you married and has stopped grooming and taking care of himself, MC is not going to change that. He will have to step up to the plate and change that about himself. If he has checked out of the marriage and is in his own little world, MC may help show him how he has checked out and left you feeling neglected and what steps he may need to take to help make you feel closer, but again, he will have to do the legwork. Frankly, your relationship is probably so far gone I don't know if anything will truly make a difference. You have allowed this to fester for so long and allowed it to decay to such a low point, I don't know if it's even worth trying. You have allowed your attraction and desire for your husband to decay so far, I don't know if anything other than him transforming himself into a completely different person will even matter. You have neglected his needs and your own needs for so long I don't know how it can be turned around. You let this decay and rot for 12 years and then jumped at the chance to cheat when someone did make your jay-jay tingle. All while letting your husband languish and suffer in frustration and dissatisfaction. This amounts to nothing less than intentional cruelty on your part. IMHO you should seek Independent counseling first and lay this all out for the counselor. My guess is you will be advised on how to separate from and divorce your husband in the least destructive manner for him and your children. That is probably the most humane thing to do. You have already stolen a dozen years of his life and sentenced him to chronic frustration, deprivation and dissatisfaction. I think the most humane thing you can do is let him go in hopes that he will find someone who will love him and respect him and treat him well.
AlwaysGrowing Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Thank you for your support. I completely understand that having an A was wrong. I never thought I would but I did. I need to live with that. My husband would be a broken man if he knew and I believe he would forgive me but always have a broken heart. I am not telling h, telling him would help me but not him. I should of thought about that I know before having the A but I didn't. I messed up big time, and to make things worst I miss my exMM more than anything. None of this is right but what I do know is maybe I can do the right thing for my H and children. My H and I don't really disagree and really work well just lacking the spark. I just wanted to know if anyone had been in my shoes and not had any spark, sexual desire for there partner and with hard work and MC it came back. If you had asked me 13 months ago would I ever have an affair I would not have to of thought about the answer. But I did and I need to live with it. For all the highs of an A there are also a hell of a lot of lows. FredJones80 I am not sure of your situation and I hope you are in a very happy marriage but by the tone of your post you probably have issues. Let's not judge but help. Everybody makes mistakes, forgiven is needed on life otherwise we turn bitter and sad. I am not so sure that a man who was denied/had to plead for sex for almost 20 years will be as forgiving as you claim he will be. Especially since by your own account he is a good man. If you are still pining for the OM, let your husband go. Let him experience being with a woman who desires him.....more than likely he will have no issue in finding another partner. Make no mistake about it....telling him might very well be the most helpful thing ever told to him. It might give him back a sex life.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 (edited) " I am not telling h, telling him would help me but not him." Letting your husband make decisions on his life based on the truth, would be the best you could do for him. He will be knocked for six maybe, but he will have the opportunity to recover and take it from there and decide what will help him, himself. If you let him. As for continued deceit being a form of "protecting your mate": pshaw! It's a form of champion rationalisation and arse-covering. Don't delude yourself there. "I just don't wanna" is more like it. But unless you can show you can take some of the consequences of your actions, you are stuck - and your husband is trapped with absolutely no say in the matter. not-so-sure gave a nuanced post which you might be tempted to interpret into a pass for your continued lying. Perhaps a little too nuanced: It's not as though his wife said herself that she would have preferred to live in the dark, and the general thrust was, truth-is-better . Wanting to be deceived, is an exceptionally rare view hereabouts from a betrayed spouse. Almost all, cherish being able to live an authentic life, whatever the cost. Rationalising concealment is popular with waywards, but that is to be expected because deceit is inherently part of the problem. Incidentally, *all* the BSs who get dragged through muddy MC while their spouse ignores the elephant in the room, are clear that it was a waste of time, and some of them detest their former spouses for that. Some of those where there is honesty, reconcile: there is a point in doing it, as well as it being the right thing. I don't know how to be more clear: telling your spouse is not just about a cost-benefit analysis *FOR YOU*. It is about him: assigning yourself the privilege to lie to him is not self-sacrifice "Oh I must carry this private burden to the grave"-style so much as a self-indulgent cop-out. Meanwhiles, "I miss my exMM more than anything", and you " know how amazing it is to have that closeness." If you propose to go to MC while maintaining your deceit, it really will be a cruel farce. Tell him. Don't delay or rationalise further. Send the kids to your mother or put them to bed and tell him. Let him decide what he wants: an honestly remorseful spouse would mean more than a thousand fake MC sessions, also quicker. There is no get-out-of-jail free card here. You can regain some integrity if you wish to, and I wish for you the strength of mind to do so. Edited April 27, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy
GettingOver Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Do you think with MC and hard work I could get that feeling with my H? Or is that side of our marriage never going to be more than it is. That is the question my MM asked himself when he and his W started MC. I won't tell you all the long story, but only to answer your question: MC did not help him to get the chemistry back, after MC he is still seeing his W only as a friend. There could be other insights, but the chemistry is hard or next to impossible to bring back.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 GettingOver has a point, but her posts come from the perspective as the the OW in an affair where the MM has made/enacted no decision about leaving his wife or to stop seeing GettingOver. So not surprising the magic has not returned to her MM's marriage. No green grass for him in the old paddock while he is sitting on the fence, obviously enough.
snappytomcat Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 soverysad,your name says it all,i feel so bad for you,and your husband,let me just say for us,mc did help us out a lot,like you my husband had an A,but he was always attracted to me,always wanted it,for about a year I didn't even want him to touch me,and like your husband mine is also kind,funny,good dad,good husband,i just wasn't attracted to him,but he had let himself go physically,gaining a lot of weight,when im the opposite,but I learned how to focus on his positives(and theirs a lot of positives)and going on date nights,spending more time together,going away for long weekends,has made me see a new found attractiveness in him. I truly wish you and your family well,and hope it works out for you 1
GettingOver Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 GettingOver has a point, but her posts come from the perspective as the the OW in an affair where the MM has made/enacted no decision about leaving his wife or to stop seeing GettingOver. So not surprising the magic has not returned to her MM's marriage. No green grass for him in the old paddock while he is sitting on the fence, obviously enough. That's right, but the OP is also undecided what she wants.... I guess until someone is sure about anything, nothing will help.
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