Ordinaryday Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 How and why? and what happened?? I know everyone on here advocates 100% NC and for the most part I have stuck to it, but there have been two occasions, with two different exes, in which I have broken it. I regret it in one case, but not the other. In the case that I DO REGRET, what happened is that she dumped me and about a month after she dumped me I sent her a text begging her for another chance, promising I would change, blah blah blah....this was long before I started using LS so I did not know the rules of NC... she responded back saying she was not interested in reconciling, but if I ever wanted to be 'just friends' with her she would be there for me... needless to say, I did not accept the offer. totally regret breaking NC in that occasion, but I did it. second occasion with a different woman I DON'T REGRET - she dumped me two years ago, completely out of the blue - caught me by surprise, so I sent her a long letter telling her how great she was, telling her I would be 'just friends' with her, whatever it took... I wanted her to take me back, and all I got was giving her a HUGE EGO BOOST. anyway, I did not hear from her in two years but earlier this year she sent me a very minor 'hi how are you? hope you are well' type breadcrumb. I dont know what sort of reaction she was hoping for, but two years on my perspective on events had changed and I saw that she majorly wronged me and treated me like dirt... I sent her a nasty message back telling her that she ruined my weekend by contacting me and making me remember old hurts, and that she should never contact me again. I dont regret sending that email at all, because I feel that she treated me like dirt and dumped me in an appalling way, and it was nice to finally tell her that. I dont care about letting her know I am 'still hurting' or nothing, sending it felt great. so... have you EVER broken NC and contacted the dumper??? why? how did it go? did you get what you wanted or did it set you back?
Summerrose2013 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Ok I confess I fell off the nc wagon this week in a major way. obviously he hasn't replied and probably now thinks I'm unhinged. Something I'm starting to wonder about myself lately. I can talk all the talk but I failed to walk the walk. drastic measures are called for. Its just too easy to contact people these days. I'm rewinding my tactics to 20 years ago when I split up with my college sweetheart. For every week I didn't contact him I bought myself a treat. At the time I was well broke but there was this set of post cards I loved. For 4 weeks, at the end of each wee beek with nc I would treat myself to a postcard. This bloke started almost immediately dating this awful girl so I hsd a lot of pride. This time the bloke has given me less harsh treatment so I stupidly had false hopes. Big error. anyway. Now bought myself a set if gold stars. For each day I maintain nc I'm giving myself a gokd star on my calendar.
FredJones80 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 13+ months complete, 100% NC!!!! Did they contact you in that time? Are you the dumper or dumpee, how long ago was the last time they contacted you - if they contacted you at all? Did you remove the ability for them to contact you easily (ie; change mobile phone number)
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Yes. We'd be apart for about a year & I got a funny feeling something was wrong in his life. I did a little digging for about 1/2 hour & things added up to a problem. I called him. When he answered I said don't hang up, I got a feeling something is wrong, how can I help. It turned out his dad was in a coma. We chatted. I was able to give him an outlet. I asked him to call if things went bad. I read in the paper two weeks later that his dad died. I will never regret breaking NC to follow that hunch. When my EX failed to let me know his father passed, I knew he still had not developed the type of character / integrity I needed to sustain a relationship. In some sense I got my closure. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Did they contact you in that time? - No Are you the dumper or dumpee? - Dumpee How long ago was the last time they contacted you - if they contacted you at all? - 3 weeks after BU. At that point I said I wanted to limit contact for my emotional health Did you remove the ability for them to contact you easily (ie; change mobile phone number) - No. She respected my request. Did not change phone/text # or email address. Have no Facebook! Now, I think even if she wanted to reach out (which i don't) she wouldn't because she knows I wouldn't respond. Pretty sure she cares not, anyway!!!
SadNLonley Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Yep, unfortunately I did. Im always the one. He is strong and i guess dont care enough to reach out. Last time was 2 weeks ago for his bday. He advised me at the point he was no longer "in love with me" and that he recently started dating. back to step 1 on recovery. At least this time i am p.o.'d about it.
Always Pondering Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Two times yes (I was the dumpee). First time, she contacted me after her rebound relationship ended and right before she started dating her current boyfriend. They were 99% likely to be breadcrumbs and only needed a boost because she was in a state between relationships. I of course, succumbed to that and replied. I ended up regretting my decision by realizing I was not completely over her so started NC again. 3 months later, I broke NC again and sent an apology message to her but got no response. To your questions, all it did was set me back. The second time wasn't as bad as the first though. First time I broke NC was because I thought I was ready for even just a friendship but I was clearly not. Second time was pretty much the same reason. I put her way too high on a pedestal and feel pretty dumb for it, but hey, life is a learning experience and I'm glad I'm here today. As of today it has been another 3 months but this time I do not plan on ever breaking NC. This time I have set an enormous personal goal for myself to treat myself better and be happy independently, making sure that my happiness does not depend on her because you're the only one who can make you happy. LS also helps with making me feel better! Best of wishes to your situation friend.
Elle1975 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Never, so far. It's not that I don't want to hear from him. I am stubborn and I really don't want to make the first move and endure a rejection. He said, and I quote from memory "I know you love me but I don't feel the same". Can't be more precise than that. I am drilling in my head that he's gone. Yesterday I was thinking he may be with someone else. Who knows? First date, taking her out. And BAM! I had a ****ty evening and an even crappiest day today. Found myself crying in my car at 40 years old. Wtf??? Lame. Even though I'd love for him to send me a text saying he made a mistake.. that 1# wont happen #2 would probably send me in a deeper hole than what I am in now. All the men my age are out of shape.. I don't see anybody I like.. I entertain the idea of jumping off a bridge. It just sucks. I know it gets better and that's what I tell people. However, for myself, I don't see how.
FredJones80 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 All the men my age are out of shape.. I don't see anybody I like.. I entertain the idea of jumping off a bridge. It just sucks. I know it gets better and that's what I tell people. However, for myself, I don't see how. Elle1975, I really feel the pain in your message. Definitely do not throw yourself of any bridges, and if you seriously do have that thought, seek help please. Your age doesn't dictate that you have emotions, let them out. There are thousands of us in the same boat!
Elle1975 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Elle1975, I really feel the pain in your message. Definitely do not throw yourself of any bridges, and if you seriously do have that thought, seek help please. Your age doesn't dictate that you have emotions, let them out. There are thousands of us in the same boat! Sorry, it's just a relapse. it will pass. We're all in the same boat, and it's sinking. That's my feeling about it. What has become of commitment? Dedication? Don't like your current husband? Get a new one! People expect to find happiness, because after all, they "deserve" it. They lie, manipulate, cheat, and I forget some. It's just freaking depressing. I live like a bear and I love like a wolf. I don't say I love you and walk away when it gets hard. Maybe it's my problem and I should turn into a major b*tch and exploit people's feelings. It's just not me, however. Do I "deserve" happiness? I have no clue.I try and keep in shape. I am kind and generous to my friends. I was kind to my partner and accepted him with his flaws. I have flaws, who am I to judge him based on that solely? I don't believe the world is fair as there is no such thing as a fair world. I'm not going to fundamentally change. Maybe I should open up a little bit more, but where does that take us? Close up and they get mad. Open up and they leave you. What the hell is wrong with people. So no, to get back on the subject, I won't break NC.
FredJones80 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Sorry, it's just a relapse. it will pass. We're all in the same boat, and it's sinking. That's my feeling about it. What has become of commitment? Dedication? Don't like your current husband? Get a new one! People expect to find happiness, because after all, they "deserve" it. They lie, manipulate, cheat, and I forget some. It's just freaking depressing. I live like a bear and I love like a wolf. I don't say I love you and walk away when it gets hard. Maybe it's my problem and I should turn into a major b*tch and exploit people's feelings. It's just not me, however. Do I "deserve" happiness? I have no clue.I try and keep in shape. I am kind and generous to my friends. I was kind to my partner and accepted him with his flaws. I have flaws, who am I to judge him based on that solely? I don't believe the world is fair as there is no such thing as a fair world. I'm not going to fundamentally change. Maybe I should open up a little bit more, but where does that take us? Close up and they get mad. Open up and they leave you. What the hell is wrong with people. So no, to get back on the subject, I won't break NC. I really understand what you're saying, I feel exactly the same, I don't blame my ex because maybe things just don't last and she had to be true to herself, not stay with me because it would upset me. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, or feelings change. The rest as you say though is really getting me down, it seems like 99% of people are after what they want solely and not prepared to budge or compromise.
SCJACK Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Elle I understand how you feel. Everything you said is what I would have said exactly. I feel the world is not fair also.. it's a struggle a real hard struggle that we all have to go through.. sometimes I feel the struggle is not even worth it and its better not living in this world too... doesn't mean I would jump off a bridge though but have to go through suffering everyday and hope for the best even if there seems like so little... That's all we can really do.
Elle1975 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 (edited) I really understand what you're saying, I feel exactly the same, I don't blame my ex because maybe things just don't last and she had to be true to herself, not stay with me because it would upset me. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, or feelings change. The rest as you say though is really getting me down, it seems like 99% of people are after what they want solely and not prepared to budge or compromise. In my case, it's not that I don't want to budge. I know what makes me happy. My sexuality is in the way most of the time. I like dominant men, not in an @sshole kind of way. I like kind , generous, and smart people (who doesn't?). I like something else in the bedroom. I find most men confuse domestic violence and dominance. That is why it's hard for me to find my match, as I have no desire to be abused. Edited April 26, 2014 by Elle1975
EvansR Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Yep, broke it just yesterday. Again. And I'm fed up of it. I pissed off the lass last time we talked, and I said some really hurtful personal things so I apologised. And now I've found out shes helping her friend cheat on his girlfriend, I've turned spiteful and vindictive again. This is why I shouldn't be able to talk with people like her... I turn into a different person around her. If you're borderline breaking NC, don't do it. It's so not worth it.
missunshine Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I have. and I am afraid I am in temptation to do it again. ((((( what I would hate the most about it, is that I will be ignored by him i.e I won't get a reply... it's not worth it.
Summerrose2013 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Yep, broke it just yesterday. Again. And I'm fed up of it. I pissed off the lass last time we talked, and I said some really hurtful personal things so I apologised. And now I've found out shes helping her friend cheat on his girlfriend, I've turned spiteful and vindictive again. This is why I shouldn't be able to talk with people like her... I turn into a different person around her. If you're borderline breaking NC, don't do it. It's so not worth it. I realised that I hated the person I had become around my ex and this has really helped me to maintain nc this time. He once said to me he knew whatever he said would be the wrong thing and he was damn right. I looked at some pics of him last night. It was sort of accidental while deleting his emails. It was honestly like looking at a stranger. nc all the way.
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