Chibaby Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 This year will be my first Mother's Day as a mom. I just realized my husband booked a trip to vegas for a bachelor party and will be gone for the weekend. He did ask my permission and I said yes, not realizing what weekend he would be gone. The thought of this makes me very sad that I will be celebrating this day all alone with my 10 month old. We live within driving distance to Vegas, and I know once my husband realizes what he's done he will ask me what I want him to do. Should I just suck it up and let him party it up, or should I expect him to come back and spend the day with us? I don't want to tell him what to do, I want him to make the call....any opinions out there?
Author Chibaby Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Also - just to make a note, last year when I was pregnant and close to my due date, and my husband did nothing to acknowledge the day. I may not have officially been a mom, but my daughter was alive physically but not born yet.
dichotomy Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Is it for like his best friend from childhood or something? Or just a regular old friend thats getting married? He can make it up to you before hand or afterwards I suppose. Personally I would not be partying up with friends in Vegas while my wife had a 10 month old - my child -at home to care for alone - whether it was mothers day or not. I mean maybe.... a 2 year old. 1
Author Chibaby Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 It's actually a coworker who he's worked with for a number of years. I actually don't mind so much about him going so much, just the fact that it's on Mother's Day. He will also be there for 5 days this week for business. . I'm kind of used to his traveling for work.
Silly_Girl Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 But you'll have your little one with you? You can do something special on the day (treat yourself!!!) and THEN do something the following weekend giving your husband chance to make it up to you
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 The problem is YOU already said yes. So you do need to suck it up I would talk to him & tell him you just realized it's mother's day & the thought of him being gone is now bothering you. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do now because other people -- the bachelor party attendees -- have already made plans in reliance on the date he picked. Can you celebrate Monday when he gets home?
BetrayedH Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 You're building up unresolved resentment over this. It happens all the time in a marriage when you don't want to be a nag, a bitch, or 'tell him what to do.' He's being set up to fail a test that he doesn't even know he's taking. Please stop doing that. You NEED to communicate openly and honestly. It is far better to have one perhaps difficult conversation than it is to handle resentment after it has had a chance to build and fester. Resentment doesn't just go away. It comes out and usually in a much less controlled fashion than either of you will like. What if you just say nothing and suck it up this year, only to have him miss next year for some unavoidable reason? Then you'll be PISSED and he'll have no idea that he's got three years of resentment to resolve. Talking about the difficult stuff is the 'hard work' that they talk about when they say marriage is tough. My policy is that as soon as I realize that I'm even hesitant to talk to my SO about something, that means we have to discuss it. I may wait until a less emotional time but it's going to be discussed and resolved. Unresolved resentment will kill a marriage. Talk openly with him that you've discovered that he's slated to be gone on Mother's Day AND that it's bothering you (and that it bothered you last year). Find a way to resolve it. Personally, I like the idea of celebrating it on another designated day and I bet your H would be happy to oblige since he's part of this 'oops,' too. Good luck. 4
oldshirt Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Also - just to make a note, last year when I was pregnant and close to my due date, and my husband did nothing to acknowledge the day. I may not have officially been a mom, but my daughter was alive physically but not born yet. That's asking a bit much of a guy IMHO. I can see your girlfriends or your mother making a note of Mothers Day with a child in utero, but that's asking a lot from a guy. A husband and father may be a great husband and father and do great jobs at being a husband and father but he'll never be a girlfriend or a mother. Girlfriends and mothers think of in utero mother's day, expecting a husband and expectant father of that and holding a grudge if he doesn't is a wee bit much IMHO. 2
oldshirt Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 First off let me ask you this, does he even know when Mothers Day is?????? I don't. I know it's in May but I'd have to look it up. Does he even know it's MD at this point?? You didn't realize it was MD when he asked and you said yes, so I think it's a little unfair to be building up resentment already. This hasn't already been mentioned so I'll add this to the mix, is he a good, caring, considerate husband and father that is always there for you and your child? Doe he has an established history of treating you and your child with a reasonable amount of consideration, respect and compassion? or is he already dropping the ball a bit? Is he establishing a track record of not taking proper care of you and baby? Is he out at all hours of the day and night with buddies and doing his own thing while you are up to your eyeballs in diapers? Traveling for work doesn't really count as that is what he has to do to pay the rent and put food on the table. What I am asking is does he party with the boys and never miss a golf outing or a fishing trip while neglecting basic husband and father duties?? I think this a lot about context. If he was well aware that this trip was over MD but he would never miss a drunken weekend out of town with the boys and MD is just another day out of the year for him and he has a proven track record of not being there for you and your child, then I think you have valid grounds to be a little miffed and concerned. On the other hand if he been a dutiful and responsible husband and father and has always been there for you and babe and is home taking care of family business when he can and this little boys trip is something that is an exception to the rule and he hasn't even taken look at what day it is, then I think a little slack and flexibility is order here. 1
CarrieT Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 If Vegas is driving distance, why not compromise and ask him to come back on Sunday afternoon for a Mother's Day dinner? He gets his partial weekend and you get your Mother's Day with him and your new child that night? 6
Copelandsanity Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 Listen to BetrayedH. Tell him how you feel and don't let resentment build. It'll also help to think of the situation from a different perspective. In the major scheme of things, it's just another day, except it was randomly assigned "Mother's Day" by an unknown authority. I never celebrate my birthday as it's easily forgotten since it coincides with another well-known celebratory holiday. I could hold it against this person and that person, but it's no big deal to me. I don't think of it as "sucking it up," I just choose to focus on the positive (all the things I'm grateful for in life, how I can use this day to improve myself from the day before) instead of the negative (everyone forgot, everyone's doing something more exciting).
oldshirt Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 I don't want to tell him what to do, I want him to make the call....any opinions out there? You are treading into very dangerous waters here. You are basically wanting him to be a mindreader and a heartreader and instinctively know what you want and to cater to you perfectly without any effort or risk on your part. You are setting him up to fail a test he does not even know he is taking. More importantly you are setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment and bitterness because you want him to think like you, feel like you and have the exact same priorities, values and desires as you. If your standard is he has to feel, think and act as you would, he is destined to fail and you are destined for resentment because he is not you and he is not a mother like you. This is how people build and harbor resentments and bitterness in marriages and this is how marriages ultimately grow bitter and eventually fail. You simply have to make your wants and needs and hopes known. You don't have to "tell him what to do". You have to make your wishes known. He then has the information needed to make an informed decision and know the ramifications of that decision. A simple, "I hope you can get home in time to spend some good quality time with us on Mother's Day," is sufficient. You aren't "telling him what to do." You are simply stating on objective of what you would like to have happen. If you keep your wishes all bottled up to yourself and you tell him to go to Vegas and have a great time and then hold a grudge against him because he actually did it, then you have set him up for failure on a test he didn't know he was taking and you set yourself up for bitterness and resentment for no valid reason. Over time this will truly toxify a relationship. Please take heed of BetrayedH's warning and please give serious consideration to CarrieT's suggestion. Partying with the boys and coming home at a reasonable time and in reasonable condition on Mothers Day is a legitimate compromise. As I stated in my previous post, the context of how he treats you and your child in general is very pertinent. If he is a model husband and father, a little leeway is in order and returning home at a reasonable time and in condition to spend some quality time with you and babe is very reasonable. If he is chronically neglectful and is consistently short-changing you and babe with his time and attention and is consistently self-indulged and spending his time, energy and money etc on his own hobbies and with the buddies, then you have a bigger issue on your hands then being out of town on Mother's Day and those issues will also need to be addressed directly and explicitly if you hope to be in a happy, healthy and faithful marriage 5 years from now. 3
SoonMyFriend Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 BetrayedH, CarrieT, and oldshirt have all said it best. Please listen to their advice. Do NOT bottle up your emotions.
MissBee Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 This year will be my first Mother's Day as a mom. I just realized my husband booked a trip to vegas for a bachelor party and will be gone for the weekend. He did ask my permission and I said yes, not realizing what weekend he would be gone. The thought of this makes me very sad that I will be celebrating this day all alone with my 10 month old. We live within driving distance to Vegas, and I know once my husband realizes what he's done he will ask me what I want him to do. Should I just suck it up and let him party it up, or should I expect him to come back and spend the day with us? I don't want to tell him what to do, I want him to make the call....any opinions out there? Mother's Day can be any day really. If he already booked the trip, while I would feel a little disappointed he wouldn't be around, you can have your own Mother's Day celebration another time, like the day he comes back or the weekend before. Does the actual day make a big difference to you? I understand that when kids are small the dad is probably the one who orchestrates mothers day, until the kids are old enough to do so...but you and your baby will be together and you guys can go out and do some mother-baby activity. Do you have any friends who are moms or family who live close by? If so, maybe you can do something with them?
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