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Lack of a job

spiderowl

By spiderowl
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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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I got talking to this guy from online dating. He sounds nice and is very interested in me (poor guy!). But he doesn't have a job. He is between jobs and has expressed a desire to be in work. I know this might sound shallow but having lived with a guy for many years who also didn't work and having all the stress that went with that, I don't want to go there again. I've been a bit slow to respond to this guy but he has been polite and decent, so I feel I have no excuse. What do I do? I'm just so turned off by this situation yet I think he deserves better than me just fading him out. I don't know. I'm not wildly attracted to him but if he had been working in a reasonable job, I might have seen how it went. I know responding slowly to texts isn't a solution.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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If he's actively looking for a job I don't see the harm in continuing to talk to him. Until he is employed, I wouldn't give my heart away.

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kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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Move on, you don't seem into him on any level really.

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BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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It's most fair to just tell him you don't feel a connection.

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ja123 Established Member

ja123

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I agree with BlueIris, and be polite.

 

 

But, I really think you should move on from him. It's not that you're being shallow, but he has bigger things in life to deal with now other than dating. It'd be pretty selfish on his part to bring his woes upon a new potential partner.

 

 

I wonder if he isn't using dating as an "escape" from his problems. And that isn't a good sign.

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kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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I dont even think the job thing is an issue. If she was physically attracted to him, this thread wouldnt exist. The job thing was just an added negative to the lack of attraction.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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I dont even think the job thing is an issue. If she was physically attracted to him, this thread wouldnt exist. The job thing was just an added negative to the lack of attraction.

 

Attraction is important, I grant you that, but he sounds a nice guy and I have met nice guys before where I haven't felt wildly attracted. As long as I don't feel repelled, I give guys a chance. It's the job thing though. I don't really know if he's a drifted or just between jobs. Either way, do I want to be with a guy where I have to be the main breadwinner again? It's hard always having to be the strong one :(

jonsnuh Established Member

jonsnuh

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Without knowing enough information, what if the nature of the industry in which the guy works is inherently characterized by a lack of job stability, or contract by contract work?

 

Without knowing the details about why and how far he is with his job search, I wouldn't assume judgement on his character or lack of effort in finding a job. It just could be a run of bad luck.

 

On the other hand, other factors are more important. You said you weren't very attracted to him. If that's enough for you to not see this man as a dating prospect, then let it go.

PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

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Considering we just went through the worst recession in 80 years; If a girl is going to judge me based upon my employment, then I'm going to turn her away when I finally do meet her employment standards. I consider myself a worthy catch regardless. Then I'll laugh in 5 years when I think about her saying "why are all the good guys taken?". Sorry, I chose your more supportive and caring friend.

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saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

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I agree with you. As lovely as a man or woman is if they don't have a job I'm not interested.

 

I have a job, I'm also a single mother and when I go on dates I don't expect to be paying for someone else - just like I wouldn't expect another person to pay for me.

 

There is a huge difference between taking turns and paying someone else's cut.

 

I would say I'm sorry I'm just not feeling a connection and find someone else.

 

People fall on hard times and it sucks, however you shouldn't be financially responsible for the dates because of it.

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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I'm not wildly attracted to him but if he had been working in a reasonable job, I might have seen how it went.

 

Simple, to the point, and lacking hyperbole. Send :)

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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Since you've gone through this sort of thing with someone else, I'd say you have a tendency to do it again. This is a test to see if you finally learned your lesson.

WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

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I got talking to this guy from online dating. He sounds nice and is very interested in me (poor guy!). But he doesn't have a job. He is between jobs and has expressed a desire to be in work. I know this might sound shallow but having lived with a guy for many years who also didn't work and having all the stress that went with that, I don't want to go there again. I've been a bit slow to respond to this guy but he has been polite and decent, so I feel I have no excuse. What do I do? I'm just so turned off by this situation yet I think he deserves better than me just fading him out. I don't know. I'm not wildly attracted to him but if he had been working in a reasonable job, I might have seen how it went. I know responding slowly to texts isn't a solution.

 

 

 

 

 

any man who does not have a job should not be dating. He has to save all that mental energy for job searching not mate searching

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WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

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Considering we just went through the worst recession in 80 years; If a girl is going to judge me based upon my employment, then I'm going to turn her away when I finally do meet her employment standards. I consider myself a worthy catch regardless. Then I'll laugh in 5 years when I think about her saying "why are all the good guys taken?". Sorry, I chose your more supportive and caring friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

men are not supposed to date when unemployed

saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

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men are not supposed to date when unemployed

 

Same goes for women... Unless they are the type who allow everyone to pay for everything lol

WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

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Same goes for women... Unless they are the type who allow everyone to pay for everything lol

 

 

 

 

 

An attractive woman can get away with it for a while

saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

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An attractive woman can get away with it for a while

 

 

Yep - although it doesn't make it right.

 

Shame!

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WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

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Yep - although it doesn't make it right.

 

Shame!

 

 

 

Well if a man is expected to pay for the first 2 to 3 dates then that means he should not be dating

 

 

Unless he has

 

 

savings or a credit card which is what I used when I was in between jobs

PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

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What about employed with a less ideal job or wage? Hell my mother has struggled the last 4 years even though she has 30 years experience and a masters degree. Is she unworthy of love now? That's sick if you ask me.

WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

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What about employed with a less ideal job or wage? Hell my mother has struggled the last 4 years even though she has 30 years experience and a masters degree. Is she unworthy of love now? That's sick if you ask me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so a man is supposed to take on her financial responsibilities?

carhill Established Member

carhill

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If a person can afford a social life, they'll have one. If not, well, absent the charity of others, there are plenty of other ways to live their life. Reading the OP's posts, with sufficient attraction, conventional wisdom would indicate she's be posting in more positive terms about the man's prospects, skills, ambitions, etc, etc. As things are, regardless of reality, how she feels controls her perspective and the outcome of the events. My one admonition would be to work on balancing that with commitment-related perspective on similar events, as in nearly every relationship in life limerence ends and reactions to life events like unemployment can have marked effects on those relationships.

 

OP, be honest with yourself and with him. Doing so allows both of you to move on with a minimum of rancor or time wasted. He'll thank you later on.

thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

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Same goes for women... Unless they are the type who allow everyone to pay for everything lol

 

 

 

Maybe I should take a break from dating then?

 

 

Still unemployed

 

 

Thinking of hiding my okc profile after my date tomorrow (not because it's a sure thing but just make it my last date) and then getting on with my life for the time being as I feel drained by dating and job searching and blah...haha

WP4046 Established Member

WP4046

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Maybe I should take a break from dating then?

 

 

Still unemployed

 

 

Thinking of hiding my okc profile after my date tomorrow (not because it's a sure thing but just make it my last date) and then getting on with my life for the time being as I feel drained by dating and job searching and blah...haha

 

 

 

 

 

Dating is nothing but drama so why would you want to add to the drama you already have in your life which is "finding a job?"

thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

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Dating is nothing but drama so why would you want to add to the drama you already have in your life which is "finding a job?"

 

 

 

haha that's what I'm starting to think. It is certainly emotionally taxing for me to reply to online dating messages, keep the conversation going with various people etc...it feels like work. I prefer real life dating situations happening naturally. I prefer to concentrate on one guy at a time. Online dating is such a shot in the dark. It actually takes a lot of work to figure out even if someone is taking it as seriously as you are.

 

 

I might join e-harmony. Definitely going to hide okcupid for a while anyway.

 

 

My love life is total joke of getting friendzoned by the ones I like or vice versa (don't reject guys for stupid reasons though). Think I'll chill out and focus on myself for a while even though I haven't had a serious relationship in almost 3 years. As for adding to drama, I'm getting impatient with being the only single one of my friends and I've been searching for a job for almost a year now...starting to worry I'll be unemployed forever :( despite having a degree from a high ranking university. Life sucks haha

 

 

Hope the job happens soon as would balance me out mentally.

 

 

EDIT: re: friendzoning - I don't mean I dislike being friends with people. I love being friends with people who don't like me romantically...then we can joke about it and have a laugh!

  • Like 1
kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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Maybe I should take a break from dating then?

 

Still unemployed

 

Thinking of hiding my okc profile after my date tomorrow (not because it's a sure thing but just make it my last date) and then getting on with my life for the time being as I feel drained by dating and job searching and blah...haha

Its probably smart to take a break. While I wouldnt mind dating a woman between jobs, as I have been there before myself, she needs to have some savings...because Im not gonna be paying for everything we do if we happen to hit it off. That would set a precedent, turn me off, and get old real quick.

 

When unemployed Id take a break from serious dating...or Id make sure I had allocated proper funds to date casually. However, dating can be drama and stress...and its much easier to take a break and truly focus on the job hunt when your career stalls.

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