Will she ever put back on my ring? [update]

[lolablue17]

I believe lola was being sarcastic mtn, and as for you hoping2heal, damn, you nailed it.

 

Of course I was being sarcastic.

But this was the way to show him he should put her in the center for a while...

[mtnbiker3000]

See the two options I spelled out in the beginning...

 

Obviously you have issues of your own. Best to try to sort these out before involving this poor girl. I know it's hard. I've been there myself. Hell, I'm still there. But, it's the only rational decision!!!

[Sgt. Pepper]

I feel so guilty. So very guilty and remorseful.

I go back and I read every moment of insecurity and I wish I knew what I was doing. Not hearing her say I love you is painful. We don't have any intimacy anymore. I don't mean sexual intimacy but I feel like she's not giving herself completely emotionally the way she was before. But my reading of things is clouded by a fog of sadness, longing and guilt. I feel terrible at how insecure I was. Not simply because it created this situation but because she's gentle and good and faithful and I never had cause to doubt her. My insecurities were never borne out of a distrust of her. They came from me feeling not good enough because I don't have my crap together. I don't have a driver license or a car or much money. I don't know if me going and getting a license will prove anything to her or bein back that emotional intimacy.

 

I'm geuinely sorry. And I've never felt that before. I want to kiss her feet and make up for how I acted. I want to hold her in my arms and show her she can feel totally safe around me.

 

It really at the heart of it isn't about sex or my ring it's about me missin her being mushy and opening herself totally up to me emotionally. It's a about feeling an insane amount of guilt and Shane in myself for acting as I did because she never deserved it.

 

The worst feeling is knowing how we were and that we could've went I to being married someday and knowing that if that doesn't happen and we fade I will hae only myself to blame.

 

And I just wish I could express all this to her.

 

If she let her guard down tomorrow and things went back to being exactly as they were I honest to God would never be insecure again. I don't care I she works with guys or even has guy friend or gushes over this or that celebrity. I just want her heart totally back. I am so sorry.

[Sgt. Pepper]

To cope with this distance, I've started taking Xanax again. I took it for four years at a high doseto treat social anxiety and she fell in love with me when I was on it. I started withdrawing slowly from it and with each dose reduction my insecurities came out and all my negative traits. As the doses got lower, I became so insecure and negative and depressed. I came off them right after the fight. Now to cope, to escape the horrible person I am and the guilt I eel, and to be the man she'll in love with, I'm taking them again. It seems to be the only thing which quiets my mind and makes me not be clingy or worry. Idobt get high but I do eel a nice escape from myself.

[sooshi]

If she's not in love with you, she's not in love with you. Take medication to make her fall in love with you isn't the way to go, Sgt. Pepper. I highly doubt that you would never be insecure again if things went back to being super mushy. Insecurities don't magically disappear overnight.

 

You have expectations of her and you cower and falter when she doesn't fulfill them. You expect her to fulfill you by telling you mushy things and being totally open with you, and if she doesn't, you crumble. That's insecurity. Your entire poem is insecurity. The questions you've posed are insecurity. Your entire relationship is based on insecurity. This is all insecurity. You know this, but you haven't actually done anything to resolve or work through your issues. You ignore things you don't want to hear because you can't face yourself right now.

 

You're not a terrible person. But you do have insecurities. They should be worked on and worked through while you are SINGLE, not while you're in a relationship. You want to hold her and everything, but that's all related to your insecurities and your wants and needs. You aren't thinking about hers, not truly. Maybe she doesn't want you to hold her or tell her mushy things. ASK her what she wants, and tell her to be honest and upfront with you. Be prepared for whatever she says.

[KaliLove]

Have you considered therapy?

[mtnbiker3000]

She hasn't taken the out because she's probably afraid that you are going to have a breakdown if she does. Honestly dude, you don't seem very stable. She's hoping that if she keeps fading away and keeps putting off meeting that you'll get the hint without her having to deal with the awkwardness of you flipping out.

 

Yeah. Just because you say 'do you wanna break up?' over and over and she keeps saying 'no' doesn't mean she doesn't want to. She probably does. But people are chicken when it comes to crushing another person. It's hard. It takes guts! She's a p*ssy!!! Net result is the same for you though...

[Sgt. Pepper]

Why would she still call me boo and darling an honey both in texts and while talking?

 

I feel like a humbled, beaten dog. Or like a man serving a prison sentence. I feel humbled. If she stays I'll never act insecure again. I never want to feel this uncertainty ever again or worry about losing her. This is hell. This uncertainty or slow fade or whatever it is is worse than if she just left. If she just said outright it's over that's like getting a shot to the head. But this is like getting a bunch of painful but not lethal shots all over leaving me to bleed out.

[sooshi]

Of course you'll be insecure again, regardless of whether or not she stays. Your issues aren't going to go poof, no matter how much you want them to.

 

You're doing this to yourself. If she doesn't leave, you should be the one to do so. Why put up with all of this hell? Because you're insecure and needy. You'll put up with anything, though, it seems *because* you're so insecure and needy. What we say is falling on deaf ears. You want so desperately to believe that she loves you that you'll hang on to any piece of possible evidence that she does (calling you pet names, for example).

 

It doesn't matter if she calls you this or that. People say lots of things without attributing much meaning to it. Could just be out of habit. Actions speak louder than words, and I'm sorry to say that I don't believe for a second that you'll "never act insecure again" if she stays. You say that out of insecurity. Do you realize that?

[Sgt. Pepper]

Of course you'll be insecure again, regardless of whether or not she stays. Your issues aren't going to go poof, no matter how much you want them to.

 

You're doing this to yourself. If she doesn't leave, you should be the one to do so. Why put up with all of this hell? Because you're insecure and needy. You'll put up with anything, though, it seems *because* you're so insecure and needy. What we say is falling on deaf ears. You want so desperately to believe that she loves you that you'll hang on to any piece of possible evidence that she does (calling you pet names, for example).

 

It doesn't matter if she calls you this or that. People say lots of things without attributing much meaning to it. Could just be out of habit. Actions speak louder than words, and I'm sorry to say that I don't believe for a second that you'll "never act insecure again" if she stays. You say that out of insecurity. Do you realize that?

 

I say it out of remorse. I'm frankly getting tired of you. You want my relationship to fail totally. And you're against me.

 

I will always have insecure thoughts but the point is self control. Realizing that it's a stupid thought. If she stays I'll never act the way I did again. You can believe it or not but you are not me. You're just a pessimist who wants this relationship to end.

[sooshi]

Of course you'd be getting tired of me. I wouldn't be happy with someone making the comments I've offered you either.

 

It isn't true that I want the relationship to fail though, not at all. And I'm not against you. At all. I know it doesn't seem like it. But hey, I've been engaged too. Went through a broken engagement, and frankly it's better to have that then a broken marriage! I don't want for you to go through that. That's why I bother to say anything. It may not seem like it, but I want to help prevent this from becoming a marriage that gets broken. That's the whole point of me saying anything to you.

 

I'm not being pessimistic, but I am being realistic. But hey, I'll back off for now. I hope it goes well for you. Take care.

[mtnbiker3000]

The things is OP, those who have been here a while have seen this time and time again. It's not pessimism... it's history.

 

The bottom line is it sounds like this RS has probably run it's course. Now the best thing you can do is LEARN from it. Use this as an opportunity to grow emotionally. Then maybe you won't act so insecure again. But it will take some work on your part...

[Sgt. Pepper]

I do not believe it has run it's course or ever . And all of our mutual friends believe it is just a slump that will end with space and time. And effort. She and I were made for each other.

[Cakess]

I've been reading all the posts here and I just feel sorry for OP. Love is not a rational thing, even though all OP gets are rational responses. You wanted advice and now you have it...this relationship is over, and sooner or later you'll see that. I hope you don't realize that AFTER a marriage, but it is the truth. You could be a happier, healthier person if you just learn to cut out the negativity in your life.

[KaliLove]

I say it out of remorse. I'm frankly getting tired of you. You want my relationship to fail totally. And you're against me.

 

I will always have insecure thoughts but the point is self control. Realizing that it's a stupid thought. If she stays I'll never act the way I did again. You can believe it or not but you are not me. You're just a pessimist who wants this relationship to end.

 

Why would she care one way or the other about your relationship? She doesn't even know you. She's being realistic. Your insecurities will definitely not disappear overnight..you can't wish them away. Whether you get back together with your ex or not, they're not going anywhere unless you do something about them. You can't be lazy and just wait for them to go away, you have to fix them yourself.

 

I'll say it again since you ignored me the first time. Have you considered therapy? Because you need it. It will help.

[MidwestUSA]

She fell in love with you when you were on high dose Xanax, so now you're going to get her back by becoming addicted again? (Don't tell me you weren't addicted; it's clear from the fact that you had to slowly be weaned off of it)

 

Why wouldn't you want someone who loves you when not in a drugged fog? This is a very dangerous approach to your problems. I hope you'll seek professional help.

[Sgt. Pepper]

First of all this girl is not the same girl as my ex.

My ex who I haven't been with in a year is the one who left for a 40 year old man.

 

Different relationship

 

The girl now we'll call her Marie. And all our friends believe Marie and I are going through a slump. She did not break up with me. She has just been giving mixed signals all over the place. But she's slowly coming back to normal. The pet names are returning. She is the one who imitates contact with me by texting me or skyping me to update me and talk. I have been leaving her alone. She texts an I reply.

 

I do believe that if we overcome this slump it will lead to marriage, albeit probably a dysfunctional if loving one.

 

As to the pills:

 

To be honest, I like myself as a person better when on them. I am funnier, less aloof, my mind doesn't go at a 1000 miles an hour and I don't tend to obsesses nor get negative or depressed. Actually going back on the pills is what has led me to how her space. Because when on the pills it have a very balanced and laissez faire attitude. It shuts off that worryin overthinking part of my mind. And the more I have left her alone the more she has come toward me.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I should add some facts about my girl:

 

I am literally her only friend in the world. She does not talk to anyone but me. She is not particularly close to her family. At all. The only person she has any meaningful conversations with is me. That is by choice as sh does not want friends sh describes herself as anti social.

 

Outside of work, she engages in no real social situations.

 

It is very hard for her even on a good day to express or understand her feelings

 

She is hyper sensitive and takes even slight criticism as an attack. Pxe she went to practice driving with her mother. She made a wron turn an her mom gently criticized her. She came home and cried in the garage and her mom called me asking to console her. Her attitude was that thee family is against her and hates her.

 

She has a cold streak a mile wide with regard to most people.

 

She lies not for the sake of lying but to impress others. She lies to make people have a better view of her tha what is actuall the case. To please.

 

I am the only man she has ever had a date with and kissed.

 

Thus I act as both her only friend, her only conversation partner, her best friend, her lover and first and only love. The situation is different from most relationships.

[Sgt. Pepper]

I should add this:

 

She still uses my last name.

 

When things were better she loved me so much she decided to take my last name unofficially. Let's say my last name is Smith and her first name is Mary. On her mail email account she is [email protected] she even uses this address for her bank account. The YouTube account she uses is under Mary Smith. On several sites like Pinterest she is Mary Smith. She has not changed any of those things. Nor has she changed anythin on Facebook.

 

To be honest, while I has insecurities, I do trust her. Actually I trust her now more than before this rut. I also would forgive her any wrongdoing. If God forbid sh had an affair I would forgive her that. I'd forgive anything she did.

 

I work at a 40 hour, Monday to Friday, 8 to 5 job. I'm considering leaving it and going to part time so I can both focus on getting my driver license and going back to school as well as spending time with her and fixing things. I associate this job with this rut because I started the job on April 1st and we had the fight which started this rut on April 6th. It's a high stress job too, telemarketing. I make around 400 calls a day and get mostly rejected and so I come home burnt out, to a situation at home with her which is tearing me apart emotionally. I'm worried about getting fired because ii have to make a minimum of 5 clients a month and already two people have been fired. It has a high turn over rate, one of those hired to be fired type jobs.

 

And I feel like something's gotta give. There's many jobs in the world but onl one her. I think we need more time together to rebuild things and enjoy each other's company again. This job is high paying for a guy my age but she comes first. I feel neglectful, to be honest, leaving her for so much time. And this job gets in the way of any potential visits to her, it gets in the way of going to therapy (I did have a therapist and she thought my relationship was healthy and uplifting to both of us). It also gets in the way of going for school and driver ed.

[KaliLove]

I should add some facts about my girl:

 

I am literally her only friend in the world. She does not talk to anyone but me. She is not particularly close to her family. At all. The only person she has any meaningful conversations with is me. That is by choice as sh does not want friends sh describes herself as anti social.

 

Outside of work, she engages in no real social situations.

 

It is very hard for her even on a good day to express or understand her feelings

 

She is hyper sensitive and takes even slight criticism as an attack. Pxe she went to practice driving with her mother. She made a wron turn an her mom gently criticized her. She came home and cried in the garage and her mom called me asking to console her. Her attitude was that thee family is against her and hates her.

 

She has a cold streak a mile wide with regard to most people.

 

She lies not for the sake of lying but to impress others. She lies to make people have a better view of her tha what is actuall the case. To please.

 

I am the only man she has ever had a date with and kissed.

 

Thus I act as both her only friend, her only conversation partner, her best friend, her lover and first and only love. The situation is different from most relationships.

 

You're right about that. She clearly has several very severe personality disorders and desperately needs help. This behavior is not normal and it's not healthy and it's only going to get worse with time. You're both going to end up getting hurt in the end.

 

And PLEASE do not have children with this girl if you do get back together. She will not be able to handle that.

[hoping2heal]

OP,

 

It is sad to me that you assume anyone who says anything you don't want to hear just automatically wants your RS to fail. I shouldn't speak for others, but I don't think anyone wants that.

 

 

 

I have mentioned a few times that this woman is an object to you. Your comment about how you would forgive any wrongdoing, including infidelity has just cemented this assumption. You have projected a profound sense of attachment to this individual, but nothing you have said or been saying - displays an ability to recognize and relate with her as a human being. If she hasn't figured it out by now (and everything you posted indicate she is starting to see it) she will soon and your fake love isn't going to be enough for her. Yes, I know that you think what you're doing and what you feel is love. I know that to you it is real. But she's a "love object" to you akin to the way some women are sex objects to men.

 

You keep ignoring this and I assure you it isn't doing you any favors. People can tell the difference between genuine love and someone who is so desperate for love and affection that they pin all the hopes and dreams of the universe upon that person.

 

Your commentary on your job is also sad. Seeing your job as a hindrance to the time you spend with her is the wrong attitude. I commend you on your feelings of wanting to get a driving license and pursue higher education, but you need to get yourself on a more stable footing first.

 

Also, it's concerning that you blame your job for being a barrier to her seeing you - when in reality she didn't want to see you right now and that's the real reason you did not go.

 

There is a very profound sense of you being out of touch with reality and that should be making you pause, but instead you only get angry. No one likes to hear "bad news" but it's important that people be able to realistically reflect and say to themselves "Wait a minute..is this true?" and sometimes what people tell you isn't at all, but sometimes it is.

Edited April 27, 2014 by hoping2heal

[Sgt. Pepper]

OP,

 

It is sad to me that you assume anyone who says anything you don't want to hear just automatically wants your RS to fail. I shouldn't speak for others, but I don't think anyone wants that.

 

You should not be putting personal identifiers of your GF in posts.

 

I have mentioned a few times that this woman is an object to you. Your comment about how you would forgive any wrongdoing, including infidelity has just cemented this assumption. You have projected a profound sense of attachment to this individual, but nothing you have said or been saying - displays an ability to recognize and relate with her as a human being. If she hasn't figured it out by now (and everything you posted indicate she is starting to see it) she will soon and your fake love isn't going to be enough for her. Yes, I know that you think what you're doing and what you feel is love. I know that to you it is real. But she's a "love object" to you akin to the way some women are sex objects to men.

 

You keep ignoring this and I assure you it isn't doing you any favors. People can tell the difference between genuine love and someone who is so desperate for love and affection that they pin all the hopes and dreams of the universe upon that person.

 

Your commentary on your job is also sad. Seeing your job as a hindrance to the time you spend with her is the wrong attitude. I commend you on your feelings of wanting to get a driving license and pursue higher education, but you need to get yourself on a more stable footing first.

 

Also, it's concerning that you blame your job for being a barrier to her seeing you - when in reality she didn't want to see you right now and that's the real reason you did not go.

 

There is a very profound sense of you being out of touch with reality and that should be making you pause, but instead you only get angry. No one likes to hear "bad news" but it's important that people be able to realistically reflect and say to themselves "Wait a minute..is this true?" and sometimes what people tell you isn't at all, but sometimes it is.

 

How is wanting her to be my partner in life, wanting to encourage and take care of her and just enjoying who she is and her company making her a 'love object'? I admit that some this fight I have become obsessive and out of touch. She, too, has retreated into a fantasy world since this fight. She's back to the same patterns she was in before we got together: staying up all night looking up fantasy scenarios about a k pop band member and sleeping in all day.

 

I did not put any real personal identifiers.

 

I admit that since this fight and near break up I have not been considering much rationally. But I am trying.

 

The rational thing is that we will probably will stay together but our relationship will never be the same as it was before. And that's a good thing perhaps. Perhaps it will evolve to a more stable, more mature, lasting bond. Pet names, and saying I love you all the time does not a relationship make.

 

The curtain and veil has been pulled back and we're seeing each other as real people, with all our flaws present. Now having seen this the question is will we continue? If yes then I believe the relationship will be very strong and very healthy.

 

We both have many personal issues, disorders we need to work through. I know many of mine. I am OCD, I am probably borderline personality, I am probably a sociopath to an extent. She does not feel sh has any problems. That I am the damaged goods, not her. She does not recognize that not wanting friends and staying home all day is not normal or healthy.

 

When we first got together, I was wthout ambition, jobless, never had had one, and was on a high dose of Xanax. She was jobles, bed bound, having attacks of hypochondria every night. But together we overcame those. We both got jobs to grin workin toward a future together. I slowly came off the medicine. Her attacks became less and less frequent with my patience and my understanding until they vanished. She got out of bed.

 

If we could help each other with those surface issues, we could overcome the deeper ones toether.

[KaliLove]

Wow..I hope you do get back together, if only to keep you both away from other people.

 

How did you start dating if she was stuck in bed?

[Sgt. Pepper]

Wow..I hope you do get back together, if only to keep you both away from other people.

 

How did you start dating if she was stuck in bed?

 

Okcupid. And then skyping and whatnot.

[Sgt. Pepper]

Convo from last night:

 

Her: Just got home I am beyond exhausted. And I am going to bed right now. Good night.

 

And she sent a pic of her exhausted looking face.

 

I said: I love you too.

Her: I love you too. Please don't flip out. I'm just beyond tired.

Me: honey I feel like a man in prison do you think I'll ever freak out over anything again? Sleep.

Her: thank you

 

I called her late that night and woke her up to take her birth control. If sexiest take it on time she gets very sick.

 

She said good night bubs (her pet name for me) as we ended the call.

 

Then this morning I had this strange feeling she wasn't up yet and it was getting late and I was right. I skypes her. She had to be at work at 12 and it was 1120 and she still wasn't out of bed. She thanked me and when I made a kiss she mad it back and said she'll call me on her break.

 

The other night she mentioned this new creepy guy at her job. That he needed a knife to it boxes and she gave him one and joked just don't stab me with it and he got into a whole talk of how he couldn't stab her with his kind of knife to would not do any damage. She said he creeped her out and that the guy has a look in his eyes like the kind of person that would shoot up the store if mad. But is got me wondering: was that a subtle hint of interest in this guy on her part?