I need . Someone, anyone

[loony_tunes]

I have a deep dark secret that no one knows about. My strange mother.

 

Basically, when i was young, my mother was always angry at her life or something. I don't know what it is. She had this immense anger that she took out on me. She harassed me all the time for nothing. I don't deserve it. I never did anything wrong in my life to deserve this. I'm caring, loving and i have these naturally occurring nurturing abilities. I also have a high intellect and an excellent memory as well as a talent for art that I possess and prize dearly.

 

So over the years, my father got suspicious. He found out that my mother hates or "thought" that she hated me. He got angry and began to hate her for making me miserable. It was ruining their marriage and she didn't want that. She started getting depressed because she was losing her husband it seemed. He even told me how he was just staying with the marriage just for the kids, for me. She didn't like to hear that. It really hurt her. Now over the years, she began to turn it around slowly, bit by bit. She started blaming me for her anger, showing my father that it was actually me who was the problem. I don't know how she did it, but she thinks I'm stupid and I'm blind. That i didn't see what she did when I was noticing all along. Wrong. No one hide anything from me. I see through her tricks and her manipulations.

 

Now my father buys her stories. Anything she says, he believes it. She does it to put back her marriage together. She uses me as the glue to her marriage. Why me? Why do i have to suffer? I've been through a lot already; dropped out twice, abusive guy that used to hit me. I'm in college now and I'm successful at last. I also have a BF but never told them because she will spin lies just to hurt my father. My father is not emotionally ready for me to even hear that I have a BF so she will spin lies about how I went to see a "BF" when i really went to work. I do see my BF but not when I lie and say I am at work.

 

She also lied about how a BF could visit the house when the family is not home. She told my father that and now my father believes it and gives me a cold shoulder all the time. Things that I buy for myself with my own money, she tells my father very quietly that a BF is giving me these things, when it's my OWN MONEY that i work so damn hard for. Things like: earrings, clothes and shoes, I buy these. A BF wouldn't really buy those things.

 

What do i do please? I'm crying all the time. I don't know what to do. I am muslim. So my father is muslim close to Europe. My mother is not, she is christian. So she knows that a father likes to pray for the kids for blessings. She is trying her hardest to make sure i never get blessings. That my father should be angry at me all the time. Please help. Please. I can't take this anymore. I don't even feel safe. My father is always angry and he told me " i don't care and I will do whatever it takes to make my wife happy again. I will kick you out if i have to".

Edited April 25, 2014 by loony_tunes

[loony_tunes]

someone please. i cannot stop sobbing

[GorillaTheater]

I'm assuming you still live with your parents. Is there any way at all you can move out, be it university housing, living with friends, anything?

 

Task #1 seems to be removing yourself from that toxic environment. After you get away and heal a bit, you can begin to think about what to do about your family, but get some healthy distance first.

 

I'm very sorry that you have gone through this.

[pteromom]

Agree with Gorilla.

 

You can't control your mother, who sounds TERRIBLE.

 

You can't control your father.

 

But you CAN control whether you let them be in any kind of position of power over your life.

 

Perhaps you can talk to a trusted professor at college, or a counselor there, and see what options there are for housing. Maybe talk to some friends in your classes and see if anyone needs a roommate.

 

You may never have the mother and father you wish you had, but you will feel so much better after you take charge of your life and step out of this situation.

 

And it doesn't matter what your culture thinks about it either. Your parents certainly are not upholding any kind of righteous behavior. You have to take care of yourself first here.

[loony_tunes]

I forgot to mention I am considered extremely attractive by men and guys younger than me. Don't know if it matters.

 

Well I will be done college by this December 2014. They don't like the thought of me moving out but they don't want me here any longer. I don't know what the real feeling is here for them. Moving out before marriage is a bit out of my cultural bounds. I'm allowed to have a BF and get married but it's like they don't want me to at the same time. They were happy when I dropped out of school twice because that meant I would be staying with them longer.

 

I do live with them as of now, yes.

 

I try to stay away from the home as much as I can. I work a lot to escape the environment as I can't move out now. I also started volunteering so that keeps me away from everyone and the house.

 

I'm really exhausted mentally and emotionally. Why can't they just give me peace? Even if I'm gone for long periods away from the home, my mom goes through my room and looks for any evidence she can show to my dad of anything bad, just to make him more angry with me.

 

Thank you Pteromom and Gorillatheater. I feel relieved just hearing from you guys. I guess it hasn't affected me emotionally and mentally in terms of diseases and I have never thought about suicide. It just stresses me out immensely. It causes me headaches and sleeping problems. Also, i do not choose abusive boyfriends and I leave or avoid them when i get to know them better, if i discover they are no good. The BF I have right now is NOT abusive.

 

He's an angel which makes me happy, at least i am blessed with him.

 

The one before didn't show his true abusive nature until later but i knew something was suspicious since he came from a broken family and he didn't have a very good heart so I ran as fast as i could and never looked back unlike most abused girls.

Edited April 25, 2014 by loony_tunes

[GorillaTheater]

Are you willing to step outside of cultural norms by moving out? In other words, is moving out simply not an option at all?

 

If you were kicked out by your father would your postion vis-a-vis your culture be better or worse than moving out on your own volition?

[pteromom]

I forgot to mention I am considered extremely attractive by men and guys younger than me. Don't know if it matters.

 

No, not in this situation, unless your mother is jealous of you. But it sounds like she's been mean to you your whole life.

 

Moving out before marriage is a bit out of my cultural bounds. I'm allowed to have a BF and get married but it's like they don't want me to at the same time. They were happy when I dropped out of school twice because that meant I would be staying with them longer.

 

You are an adult. You are ALLOWED to do whatever you want with your life. Never let anyone control you, but ESPECIALLY not when they do not have your best interests at heart.

 

Why can't they just give me peace? Even if I'm gone for long periods away from the home, my mom goes through my room and looks for any evidence she can show to my dad of anything bad, just to make him more angry with me.

 

It sounds to me like your parents have a toxic relationship themselves, and somehow you've become the scapegoat in the middle. If she can keep him mad at YOU, he won't be mad at her. And if she focuses his anger toward YOU, she doesn't have to take responsibility for her own crappy marriage.

 

At any rate, the faster you can remove yourself from their home, the happier you will be. Can you imagine how freedom might taste? Forget cultural bounds and be free to be happy. These people don't WANT you to be happy, so they should have no say in your life.

[loony_tunes]

No, not in this situation, unless your mother is jealous of you. But it sounds like she's been mean to you your whole life.

 

 

 

You are an adult. You are ALLOWED to do whatever you want with your life. Never let anyone control you, but ESPECIALLY not when they do not have your best interests at heart.

 

 

 

It sounds to me like your parents have a toxic relationship themselves, and somehow you've become the scapegoat in the middle. If she can keep him mad at YOU, he won't be mad at her. And if she focuses his anger toward YOU, she doesn't have to take responsibility for her own crappy marriage.

 

At any rate, the faster you can remove yourself from their home, the happier you will be. Can you imagine how freedom might taste? Forget cultural bounds and be free to be happy. These people don't WANT you to be happy, so they should have no say in your life.

 

 

Yep, you are 100% right. That's what i meant; I am the "glue" to her marriage. She uses me to bond with my father back again. I notice they are always talking now and he no longer is angry at her because she has somehow convinced him that I was the one making her miserable her entire life. She's very manipulative in that sense. She doesn't think I know what she is doing. But i saw and can see through these things faster than anyone can snap their fingers. She thinks I just have two eyes only.

 

Believe when i say i have done nothing wrong. I was just a small child, only 10 years old when this happened. I was a normal girl who loved art and reading. I had a lot of passions and I especially had a passion for school; I guess I was a nerd. I was also a very quiet girl. So to think I can cause her anger is a bit strange. I never talked much, preferring to write in my Journal daily.

My dear I can't be free until I'm done this year of college. So that is why i am keeping my cool. Also, my father is paying for my tuition so my mom has made up another lie about how after I am done college, i will just run away. That i am using him for school to run away after.

 

I guess I do not want to move out because I think it will make my father even more angry. I think after I move out, my mom will try to feed my father these "lies" with emotional details, about how I ran away from them or something. Because I hate them or something pathetic like this to make him angry with me.

 

This is why i feel trapped.

Edited April 25, 2014 by loony_tunes

[Quiet Storm]

This is called "triangulation". It's common in dysfunctional families. If you Google it, you will find a lot of info and ways to cope with it. Sorry this is happening to you.

[loony_tunes]

This is called "triangulation". It's common in dysfunctional families. If you Google it, you will find a lot of info and ways to cope with it. Sorry this is happening to you.

 

Ahh, thank you. I knew there was a term! And thanks for your kind words.

[RedRobin]

I am very sorry you are going through this.

 

It is not your fault and nothing you have done makes you deserve this. A parents role is to love and protect you. If they can't do that, it is because something is broken in them... Not you.

 

It must have come as a huge shock when your parents betrayed you like this. I agree with the other posters that it would be good to seek guidance from a counselor. Is it possible to move out?

 

Do you have any other friends or relatives you can lean on for support? Not to pull them into your parents drama... But more to give you some other source of validation...

[RedRobin]

Edited: I just read a little closer that you feel obliged to stay there until you finish college.

 

You have to find a way not to be concerned with what your mother is telling your father or even what he may or may not be thinking. There is some other dynamic going on there that has nothing to do with you. I imagine there are few things worse than not feeling loved by your parents and children naturally internalize that rejection.

 

It isn't your fault. Focus on your school and friends. And doing what you can to make a better life for yourself at some point... When the time is right for you.

[ja123]

I'm sorry to hear that all this is happening to you: you don't deserve it!

 

 

Read Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" and "Emotional Blackmail".

 

 

And, yes, as Quiet Storm said look up "triangulation".

[Msrxchef]

I offer my condolences because I really do feel you! I am in a very similar situation, babe! I don't know what to do with my life either right now. I know some people who say "just move out" don't realize it's difficult to "just move out". Money? Transportation? House? School? Yes she could just move out to avoid the situation but isn't that her family? And what if her only family?

 

I am also struggling because I want to so badly be independent, have my own house, car, job and life but my mother makes it so difficult. Using me as a crutch of every argument she has with my father and my father using me as a sole reason he can stay a righteous father and husband. My mother blaming me for every wrong decision made and all the pain I have caused her. ALL the ****ing pain. Jesus. My father blaming my mother making my life difficult and then betraying her causing her to be jealous of me. Asking him: why didn't he listen to her opinions, or her side of the story. But where was I in all this? No one paid attention to the real me. I was just a ghost daughter. I wished many times I didn't exist or that I could be the golden child. But after transferring colleges because of getting too many B's and C's to get into med school I'm here at home wondering where I went wrong. I think that's mainly why I cry, and maybe you too. Because we don't feel loved even though our parents are together and even though they talk about us they don't really talk about US! As people. As humans who make mistakes too or have emotions and and need to belong and be loved and be appreciated and accepted.

 

I wish I could call out on my parents bull**** excuses of staying married just like how your parents are because they want to maintain a society-approved lifestyle but I can't do that. That would be selfish and unjust of me. My parents chose to have their lives a certain way and I can chose how I respond to their actions on me. Although I live with my parents now the only way I am dealing with this is by removing myself emotionally. I don't see them as parents (although sometimes I still do) but rather just human beings. And humans make mistakes. Unfortunately it's also caused me to get into a habit of not connecting with other people outside my nuclear family. And it's very lonely! And babe I wish I were half as attractive as you to have a boyfriend or attention! (Or maybe I don't, maybe the grass is always greener on the other side.)

 

But I wanted you to know you're not alone and I am probably going to post a very similar story on here soon.

Edited April 26, 2014 by Msrxchef

[VeronicaRoss]

Hi LT,

 

I'm amazed you have been able to recognize that this is not because of you but because something is wrong with her. That is an incredible ability, good for you!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a similar situation with my step-mother and father, decades later I am still surprised at the damage that created -- I reacted to people inappropriately because in some way I internalized 'thats the way people are', despite what I know intellectually. It's tricky. You need to get out of there and away from their issues because emotional abuse causes damage, and you need to minimize it as much as you can.

 

You don't have to fight them to do it, in fact don't. That's playing the game. They need tension of the triangulation to avoid their own marriage issues. When you leave they're going to have to face each other.

 

You are old enough to simply leave. You are the one holding the key to your own prison. This is what happens to a lot of people, after they are no longer trapped, their thinking keeps them there. This is you now.

 

One of the toughest parts of growing up, no matter the circumstances, is to let go of the reasons to stay -- whatever they are -- and leave home behind.

 

You need to build your support system and do tangible, realistic things to move out of your parents home into your own world. Search for an apartment in a safe neighborhood, maybe you can stay with other relatives that are not like your parents and will help protect you, or a dorm.

 

It's not your dark secret, it's your parent's secret. 'You're only as sick as your secrets' is a saying here. Talk to people about what's going on so they understand why they need to help you, but not people who would talk with your parents.

 

In your case you're being abused by your parents emotionally and that creates real damage. Your older self is somewhere in the ethers hoping you leave as soon as possible so she can be set free.

 

Don't rely on the boyfriend, no matter how wonderful. You need time to let that relationship grow, and you don't want to rush into a marriage to escape. That sense of desperation and hope can make you blind, so give that decision time, after you are on your own two feet.

 

Keep us up to date, we're here.

[loony_tunes]

I am very sorry you are going through this.

 

It is not your fault and nothing you have done makes you deserve this. A parents role is to love and protect you. If they can't do that, it is because something is broken in them... Not you.

 

It must have come as a huge shock when your parents betrayed you like this. I agree with the other posters that it would be good to seek guidance from a counselor. Is it possible to move out?

 

Do you have any other friends or relatives you can lean on for support? Not to pull them into your parents drama... But more to give you some other source of validation...

 

Thank you for your kindness. I have a cousin that is my best friend, he is a male. 25 years old. However I don't really feel like confiding in him with this. He is a family member and that is a risk I have to take to tell him. He talks a bit too much lol.

 

Yeah it was a shock but it has been going on for so long, it becomes a usual thing now.

 

Maybe I should confide in a stranger. I am already doing it now (not professionally, although I wish you guys were professionals).

[SpiralOut]

I am sorry that you're dealing with this.I agree with the idea of talking about this with someone. Right now you are keeping it a secret to protect them, which is hurting you.

 

Out of curiosity, why are you unable to move out until college is over? Is this the rule they created?

[jonsnuh]

Thank you for your kindness. I have a cousin that is my best friend, he is a male. 25 years old. However I don't really feel like confiding in him with this. He is a family member and that is a risk I have to take to tell him. He talks a bit too much lol.

 

Yeah it was a shock but it has been going on for so long, it becomes a usual thing now.

 

Maybe I should confide in a stranger. I am already doing it now (not professionally, although I wish you guys were professionals).

 

You would probably be safer confiding in a therapist from school until you graduate with regularly scheduled appointments. My university provided these services free of charge unless you miss them. Make sure you do understand their privacy policies.

 

How is your support circle? Do you have any close friends that you can trust to confide in?

[Noproblem]

I just want to say

That

 

you don't need your father's blessings to be a successful person in regard to God.

 

You just need to be a good person to get these blessings with or without your father.

 

 

Beside, good people are always put in bad situations because

If you believe in God, you know God wants to experience your patience and see are you going to stay good or are you going to turn into a bad person because of these bad experiments ..

 

 

I am not a believer, but I just wanted to remind you of the fundamental things..

 

 

Don't you ever try to escape your family with any other guy just to escape them

 

Leave them when you have a degree and you are capable of moving out..

 

But don't choose any man as an escape ladder out of your home.

 

When you choose a guy, choose him because he is good and worthy of you.

 

My mother is not that perfect either, but as time goes by ..We learn to adapt.

[pteromom]

Also, my father is paying for my tuition so my mom has made up another lie about how after I am done college, i will just run away. That i am using him for school to run away after.

 

It is really important to speak up for yourself. Tell your father how you feel. Tell him what you want to do. Tell him what your plans are. Then if he chooses to believe her lies and stories, that's on him, but at least you know you have been upfront.

 

I guess I do not want to move out because I think it will make my father even more angry.

 

You can't let fear of his response keep you trapped. It sounds like he is already pretty angry, so you aren't gaining anything by staying. If you said your father was happy with you there and you were afraid of making him angry or sad, I could understand that better.

 

I think after I move out, my mom will try to feed my father these "lies" with emotional details, about how I ran away from them or something. Because I hate them or something pathetic like this to make him angry with me.

 

Nothing different than what is happening now. The only difference will be that you will have your own home to escape to and feel safe.

 

This is why i feel trapped.

 

As long as you realize you aren't. You cannot be trapped by someone else's emotions unless you allow yourself to be.

[littleplanet]

Hmmmm. What I'm picking up here is how bound you are within your culture. I would strongly suggest that the best advice you can find should come from within that culture.

Above all, you need to preserve yourself, your sanity and esteem until the opportunity arises to leave behind the negativity you've grown up with.

From reading your posts, I'd say you haven't done a bad job of that, so far.

 

When people who have you under their control are so capable of bending and distorting the truth, then you cannot depend on truth to benefit you. That will have to come from outside (as long as you keep your own truth safe from harm.)

 

I also agree with a previous poster: "escaping" into marriage could backfire. I don't understand all your cultural norms to know just what is appropriate here, but that's what my gut instinct tells me.

 

You've come a long way. Your eye is still on that prize - completing that education, and it may be a lifesaver in more ways than one. You also seem capable of keeping busy in positive ways - all to the good.

 

Is there no-one within your cultural community who can act on your behalf? Consult, intervene - or just be there for those times you feel you can't stand it?

 

A sense of isolation with our biggest problems....can be a deadly thing.

 

I was lucky. I had to divorce my family at a young age (16)

But before I reached 30 - they were all back in the fold. People change. And sometimes for the better.

 

Ultimately, you will have to win your own freedom. How you do that - should be your own empowerment. I wish you all the success in the world.

[love1336x]

Ugh. I have an evil hateful mother likes yours. She is also a christian.

I think maybe secretly they are whorshiping the devil, and he sends his little demon to get into these women and therefore that woman isn't your mother. lol....

 

Crazy, but what else could explain how a mother can strongly dislike her own child? A child she carried for nine months in the womb, and pushed out, but simply hate & hate. an innocent child at that!

 

What crimes have we done against them beside existing?

If you can dorm in your college do so.

 

Yea it might be a bigger bill when you are out of college, but the price of peace is totally worth it. For the summer time, try to get out as much as possible.

My best friend lives with her man, and that's where I planned on staying until I can find my own place, or dorm again.