ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Oh no .... Here I went out on a lark last night with a guy - it was supposed to be platonic. He wants to see me again this weekend - what will I wear?!!! And he kissed me at the end ... and I liked it!!! I feel like running away ... I hate this sh*t!
Author ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Cancelling would be the simple solution. Am I really that much of a coward?
Grumpybutfun Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Focus...get your mind back on the matter at hand....having a good time and not overthinking it. Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting, an interview for the very coveted role of being your boyfriend and possibly more in the future. Have fun with this and let go of every doubt, every rejection and every trust issue you have because this guy is innocent until proven a douchebag. Grumps 5
Author ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Thanks, Grumps! But, I am terrified. We were not supposed to even go out. I told him up front that I'm not what he's looking for. He continued, and it was just supposed to be platonic. He was intrigued that I like cars because he loves them, and he doesn't know any woman who does. I took him to a karaoke bar for a laugh. I didn't care if I made a fool out of myself because this was never supposed to be anything. He was enamored by the way I sang "Angie". I just feel like running away ...
J21 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Care to elaborate why he's not what you're looking for?
Author ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) Care to elaborate why I'm not what he's looking for? I'm not under 40, and I'm not in shape. Edited April 25, 2014 by ja123
J21 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I'm not under 40, and I'm not in shape. Haha, I think you're just making excuses. Meet him again and have a great time Don't over think things and go with the flow! 2
Author ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Haha, I think you're just making excuses. Meet him again and have a great time Don't over think things and go with the flow! That's what he said: that I was making excuses! I only like going with the flow by myself, though; or, if with others, for defined very short periods of time; e.g., they have to leave the country or something!!!
Jethro Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Just wait until you have sex with him! You think it's awkward now!! LOL
Author ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Just wait until you have sex with him! You think it's awkward now!! LOL Oh no ... I can't bear to think of that!!! It's too much! Too romantic and gooey! Ugh ... do I need all this hassle and disruption? I like having some control over my life and sail smooth ... not all this baloney.
angel.eyes Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 So instead of dating and its "baloney" you would prefer to be permanently alone and lonely romantically? How do you plan to meet someone if you're too hesitant or afraid to date? I'm not under 40, and I'm not in shape. He decides what he's looking for. You can't decide for him. You should be focused instead on whether he has qualities that you need in a potential dating partner. I'm sensing that you are afraid of being hurt. That's okay. We all are! But to find love and someone special, we have to take risks, open our hearts, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. There's no shortcut around that. Enjoy your second date! 2
Author ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 You are right, Angle Eyes. I shouldn't be deciding on what floats his boat - if it's me, then so be it. I am afraid of being hurt. When we were at karaoke, I said look at the person just standing there on stage - vulnerable, wanting to be loved. He told be that is the meaning of life. And continued to say that one is stronger if one does not need love. I told him that one is stronger in being vulnerable to allow love to come in. He was silent, but nodded thoughtfully. Although, I agree with my own argument - I practice his, and am alone ... saying that I do not need love. 2
angel.eyes Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 We all need love! Not giving you a hard time, but why aren't you in shape? Might it be a "wall" you've put up? Our health and time are two precious resources that, once squandered, we can't get back. Don't take either for granted. Enjoy getting to know this guy. He seems genuinely interested and sincere from what little you've shared. Will you get hurt? Who knows? You won't know if you're compatible or if he's right for you until you date him a bit more. Just let go of your concerns. Dating, especially in the early days can be intoxicating and fun. Enjoy! 1
Author ja123 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 I'm in the process of getting into shape again. The last few months have been very difficult for me - job stress, and a death in the family.
angel.eyes Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) Good for you! Sounds like a tough time in your life. Funnily, the two things that have gotten in the way for you are the two things that have prompted me to get into the best shape ever on three separate occasions. I found exercise a great stress reducer. Edited April 25, 2014 by angel.eyes 1
Author ja123 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Thanks, Angel Eyes! Yes, I feel the only way to move forward with my upcoming projects is to be in better shape.
Author ja123 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 What do you think? LSers, I've been single ages and reading and responding to this board is helpful. I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. Now, while I was out today, I debated what was really holding me back from being in a relationship. OK, some of it is obviously fear. But, a lot of it is I just like being single, and I think it's going to take some convincing for me to hang-up my single skates. Which is why I've decided not to take anymore action on this current situation. Firstly, I wrote to him when I got in last night to say I had a nice time, and to send him one of the songs that interested him. I heard from him this morning. All he said was "Had a good time too!" During the date, he invited me to the museum this weekend, but asked that I look up the schedule and choose the time either Saturday or Sunday. Honestly, the fact that he hasn't written more or called gives me the feeling that he's not that interested (what a relief, eh? lol), so I shouldn't bother contacting him with plans. What do you think? Also, I noticed that he didn't use the pronoun "I" in his email, or address me by my name or sign-off using his name. Am I being too picky, or am I sensing that this is some kind of distancing technique?
Author ja123 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 (edited) This is hilarious! Reading over this thread, the answer is clear to me. I should just forget about this. It was a nice evening out and that's that. Move on and case closed. Edited April 26, 2014 by ja123
angel.eyes Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 (edited) My goodness! Such self-sabotage and double-talk! No offense, but your last two posts are just ridiculous! Come on, now. Don't let fear get in the way of potential happiness. Look, I too am very happy single. I love my independence and self-sufficiency. But my friends and even my brothers can tell when I'm in a relationship without me saying anything! It's that obvious. I want to be married and share my life with someone special. Dating is how I plan to get there. How about you? Where do you see yourself in ten or twenty years? Be honest. How do you plan to get there. Is what you're doing going to get you there? I'm all for the guy taking the lead, but in your case you essentially told him you just wanted to keep things platonic. It wasn't even mixed signals. It was just negative signals when he stuck his neck out and risked asking you on a date. Try to see it from the guy's perspective. Guys don't enjoy facing rejection. Assuming he's emotionally healthy and has some dating experience, would you keep trying after the person you asked shoots you down with "let's keep things platonic?" In other words, I can't see you in a romantic light? He asked you to pick times for the museum. Get back to him with times for the museum! This isn't hard. Do you want to be 50...60...and still single??? 70? 80 with no one to list as your emergency contact when you have some health scare? No? Then, chop, chop! Get back to him with those museum times. There are no guarantees in life. Maybe it will turn into something. Maybe it won't. We miss 100% of the shots we never take. Follow through. Show up in an outfit that makes you feel sexy and good about yourself. Be flirty! I don't know your back story. Why the hesitancy about dipping your toes back in the dating pool when a decent guy expresses interest in you? Edited April 26, 2014 by angel.eyes 1
Author ja123 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 I'm mulling this over ... Thanks again, Angel Eyes!
Author ja123 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 OK. The title of this thread is the opposite of what I feel, if I'm honest. Giving and receiving love is one of the greatest things, no? But, there are 3 issues on my end: 1- fear of investing in someone only to be let down (doesn't mean rejection i.e. they leave, necessarily, but they could be jerks, narcissists whatever which is, in itself, a type of rejection) 2- yes, the joy of being single (I hate it when I'm too lonely, but there are a lot of advantages in my mind) 3- I really won't be able to date until summer, as I have a couple of loose ends to tie up that have me preoccupied (nothing to do with men) So, with this guy ... He posted for platonic, although it did seem like he was open for more. I just happened to like cars, so we chatted about that. I said up front that I wasn't looking for a BF right now and was working on a few things (yes, getting back into shape with running and the gym). I told him to contact me in the summer. He asked me to hang out anyway, as friends ... So, he kissed me at the end on the lips mouth open (his definition of platonic?), and I liked it (ok, so I'm not dead yet! hahaha). Now, the ball is in my court? But he hasn't shown me enough willingness to play, so why should I shoot it back over the net? ... Especially when I'm not ready for a match ... Make sense? Angel Eyes, I like your proactive approach to things; however, I'm not looking for a relationship as insurance in case I have a health scare. It would be nice to have someone to back me up, but from what I've experienced in life, I've been the one doing the backing, so I'd rather just put that energy directly into myself. The way things have been, I'd have a partner with a health scare, or possibly death, so I'd end up alone anyway. I might as well just embrace being alone now. Alright, folks, let 'er rip ...
jrh1524 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Wait until 30 minutes before the date and cancel on him
angel.eyes Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Obviously you aren't dating just to find an emergency contact. That was a little tongue-in-cheek! I think the problem with your approach is you end up being friends with benefits. Maybe that's your goal? I don't know. I really can't tell since your posts are so ambivalent and just all over the place. At any rate, emotionally healthy guys who are sincere about looking for a relationship will move on if you claim you don't want a relationship. Understand that your behavior and the messages you give will determine in large part who remains interested and who exits. Game playing, which you've engaged in with your mixed messages, selects a certain type of guy. (e.g. French kissing after saying you want to keep things platonic and you don't want a relationship is a mixed message IMO.) What's worked for me is selecting guys who shared my values and being honest and straightforward with myself and dates about what I wanted and needed. Not saying it's the only solution, but I haven't encountered jerks, narcissists, flakes etc. Relationships are relatively easy when you're both upfront, open, and interested. Most guys are really good guys. They want the same things--love, companionship, fun, etc. in someone trustworthy who makes them feel special. They don't like being hurt either. Anyway, I'm done here. Hope you find whatever it is you seek. Maybe take some time off to figure out what you really want first. 1
Author ja123 Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Wait until 30 minutes before the date and cancel on him Hunh? (10 characters)
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