Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 As most of you know I am in a new relationship. Things are sailing smoothly. He's a sweet man but to early to know if it will turn into something and of course there is his residency situation creating a cloud over our heads. He left my place at 6 this morning and I got up at 7. I had a couple of text waiting on my phone I thought it was him but no. It was a text from a man I dated before. Someone I dated for a year and had to end our relationship because after 1 year he would still not commit to basics things like meeting my daughter, introducing me to his kids, etc. I loved that man a great deal and I gave him a whole year because I thought we were meant to be. I put an end to our relationship about 9 months ago. So his text said this: * I always and still care about you and love you. I am going to do better please come back in my arms, please I miss you so much. Come back to me, I want my little lady back (he called me little lady a lot) I am ready to commit to anything you wish. I am going to do better you'll see* (short translation) How do I handle this? I am in a relationship so I can't start communicating with an ex that wants me back. On the other end the relationship I am in is young (2 months) and on shaky ground because of his residency status but it doesn't change the fact my loyalty is to him. Should I tell him about this? is this the type of things you need to report to your boyfriend?
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 And you actually want to believe in this text from this guy who failed you in the past because, why? I think you've wasted enough time with him already... So you're not going to tell your current BF something that is insignificant, because what you're going to do is delete that text, and pretend you never got it and move on. And hopefully you'll ignore the next 10 too. 6
BlueIris Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I swear some people have the “she’s gone so now I want her back” radar. I’d say “no” to old guy, unless he’s at your door with an engagement ring, in which case I would still need to see if he's changed and need time to think about it. I’m serious. He diddled around last time, right? Where’s the proof (actions) that he won’t again? That he SAYS he wants you back? (pfft. That's easy to say.) What, did he just get dumped or something? I’d be VERY skeptical and if he didn’t know why it’s justified to be skeptical, it’s just the same old thing. 2
Author Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Ninja: I think he used text because I have not been picking up his calls. He called a few times but I had already met current boyfriend so I did not pick up. I felt if it's an emergency of some sort he will leave a message. Also 2 months ago, before I met current boyfriend he did call me and told me he wanted me back. At the time I told him my bf was gone till August and I was waiting for him. He told me I was a fool, the man had abandoned me, that I cared for the wrong man and all he wanted was a chance to prove himself to me. I told him no, I was waiting for the other guy, well he was right, I was a fool, the other guy never came back.
Emilia Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 He told me I was a fool, the man had abandoned me, that I cared for the wrong man and all he wanted was a chance to prove himself to me. I told him no, I was waiting for the other guy, well he was right, I was a fool, the other guy never came back. If he used similar words to the above he isn't a man to get back with IMO. I don't know a single good man that ever spoke like that. 8
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Never even think of going back to a man that has failed you in the past. 8
Zahara Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I'm very weary of men that cannot commit to you and seeing that after a year, he was unable to push forward. I wonder what's changed that he suddenly sees me worthy of commitment. And as Emilia mentioned, I didn't like the way he tried to sabotage your other relationship. Trying to plant bad seeds in your head in order to secure his position with you. And who is he to talk about the other guy when he himself couldn't follow through with his commitment to you. 5
Author Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 If he used similar words to the above he isn't a man to get back with IMO. I don't know a single good man that ever spoke like that. I did not feel offended at those words. I don't find *don't be a fool* to me an insult.
Author Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Well if it's offensive then a lot of people offended me. When I told everyone I was going to wait for a man that was leaving 8 months, I was told by many friends and family members I was being a fool so him saying it just fitted with everyone else had been saying.
Emilia Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I did not feel offended at those words. I don't find *don't be a fool* to me an insult. Depends on the context but when you were clearly in an emotionally stressful situation I think that was the wrong and uncaring thing to say. I agree with ES anyway. Besides, YOU should know what kind of man he is.
soccerrprp Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 UGH.... A dating person's worst nightmare. A gf/bf who is, at all, considering getting back with an ex who clearly didn't meet her/his expectations and now is crawling back. Gaeta, Your ex showed you that he didn't care enough about you to commit back then. He is also showing you and your current bf NO respect by interfering with your relationship. Why has your ex come to his senses now???? Is he coming back to you b/c he can't find anyone else now? This whole notion that people are meant to be is absurd and not formed from reality, imho. If he was meant to be, we would be with you now, throughout, not 9-months later. I really don't know what to tell you. It's sickening that people can be so inconsiderate to date when they KNOW that they still have feeling for exes. It's unfair and further fuel to the many people who give it their all to people who don't have all their act together. I think the best thing to do is for you to nix your ex and move on...ugh. 4
Hopeful30 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 And as Emilia mentioned, I didn't like the way he tried to sabotage your other relationship. Trying to plant bad seeds in your head in order to secure his position with you. And who is he to talk about the other guy when he himself couldn't follow through with his commitment to you. This!!!! So much this!! If he truly loved you and wanted you to be happy, he wouldn't bad mouth a guy you had your hopes on. On the contrary a good man would want you to be happy, whether that meant being with him or not. He sounds very selfish to be honest. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 This!!!! So much this!! If he truly loved you and wanted you to be happy, he wouldn't bad mouth a guy you had your hopes on. On the contrary a good man would want you to be happy, whether that meant being with him or not. He sounds very selfish to be honest. Hopeful, so true. I have a friend whose ex told her that he wanted her to be happy, but has been and continues to be disrespectful, a bully, verbally abusive, continues to try to leech off her, holds her belongings hostage, etc. She actually thought at one point that "they" were friends. Well, I don't know any healthy definition of friendship that involves someone doing all those things. I sometimes wonder if she continues to delude herself in to thinking that he is a "friend" or someone who actually does cares that she is happy. Gaeta. This guy is like my friend's ex. He wants you to be happy under HIS TERMS. Thus, he truly doesn't want you to be happy. He sounds selfish... 3
jonsnuh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 The biggest question is whether or not you love the man or not. You said you had loved him. This is now, not then. Do not take his feelings into account, and never go into a relationship because of pity. Ignore him. I dare suggest that you should be happy what you have (I don't ever tell people what to do), but you don't have to deal with the potential drama.
soccerrprp Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 ...and be careful. Such people tend to be controllers. Don't let him manipulate you from thinking clearly and in a healthy manner. 1
Author Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 UGH.... A dating person's worst nightmare. A gf/bf who is, at all, considering getting back with an ex who clearly didn't meet her/his expectations and now is crawling back. Gaeta, Your ex showed you that he didn't care enough about you to commit back then. He is also showing you and your current bf NO respect by interfering with your relationship. Why has your ex come to his senses now???? Is he coming back to you b/c he can't find anyone else now? This whole notion that people are meant to be is absurd and not formed from reality, imho. If he was meant to be, we would be with you now, throughout, not 9-months later. I really don't know what to tell you. It's sickening that people can be so inconsiderate to date when they KNOW that they still have feeling for exes. It's unfair and further fuel to the many people who give it their all to people who don't have all their act together. I think the best thing to do is for you to nix your ex and move on...ugh. Just want to clarify a few things. Back when I dated him I had this feeling we were meant to be that is why I gave him a whole year. I don't feel that way any longer, I am not in love with him anymore. Also, he doesn't know I am in a relationship at the moment. Last time we spoke I told him I was waiting for some other dude that had left the country. My first reaction to his text was: why the heck are you coming up with this now!! I should have said instead *I am in a relationship*. I am going to correct this right now. 2
Chocolat Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Yikes, Gaeta. They are crawling out of the woodwork this week, aren't they? Which of these three men has your heart, if any? If I am reading your timeline right it is: 1 year R - guy in this thread 3 month break 6 months R - guy in your thread from yesterday no break 2 months R - current bf with Visa issues Do you think you might benefit from a break? I would be emotionally overwhelmed at this point and I wonder if you are, too.
soccerrprp Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 My first reaction to his text was: why the heck are you coming up with this now!! I should have said instead *I am in a relationship*. I am going to correct this right now. There you go. Now let's see how he responds to you. Let's see if he really does have respect for you and your new relationship. Let's see if he really wanted you to be happy after all. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Never even think of going back to a man that has failed you in the past. I agree. I did it last year - and he failed me again, in pretty much the same ways as the first time. Lesson learned. 1
Author Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Yikes, Gaeta. They are crawling out of the woodwork this week, aren't they? Which of these three men has your heart, if any? If I am reading your timeline right it is: 1 year R - guy in this thread 3 month break 6 months R - guy in your thread from yesterday no break 2 months R - current bf with Visa issues Do you think you might benefit from a break? I would be emotionally overwhelmed at this point and I wonder if you are, too. Must be spring !! Yes 3 men 1 yr 6 months 2 months BUT I got a 10 year break before this started so I am good in terms of break lol. The 6 month guy that disappeared managed to do that with a piece of my heart. I really like the guy I am dating though, there is just too much hanging over our head with this visa for me to let myself truly feel for him. 3
Author Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 There you go. Now let's see how he responds to you. Let's see if he really does have respect for you and your new relationship. Let's see if he really wanted you to be happy after all. Ok so I told him I started seeing someone 2 months ago. He replied: OK. That was easy but not sure it's the end of it. It also pushed me to solved something with my current guy. He has a stalker, at first he tried to get rid of her with *I'm not ready for a relationship* type of answer. Once in a while I would ask what's the situation with his stalker and he'd update me. So after texting the Ex that I was seeing someone I asked current boyfriend what's up with his stalker and he said he told her he was seeing someone. So looks like we're good on both ends. 2
jaycee1 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think you're making right choice. I have been in same situation few times through the years and every time I did go back it failed. Not to say yours would have but the one thing always stay in back of your mind. If he couldn't commit after a year and now wants too, what has changed? How long will it be til you can't fulfill him anymore. The break just builds insecurities cause you never know if it is you or the comfort of a relationship he misses. If you really love someone, you don't let them go for months (maybe weeks).
FitChick Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Let me guess. The old BF was dumped by a real b*tch and realized how good he had it with you. Well, you could make him wine you and dine you and string him along but when he moves in for the "kill" (sex), say you love him like a brother.
Author Gaeta Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Let me guess. The old BF was dumped by a real b*tch and realized how good he had it with you. Well, you could make him wine you and dine you and string him along but when he moves in for the "kill" (sex), say you love him like a brother. The few times we were in contact he never told me he was seeing someone, if I ask how's his love life he says it's none existent, he's waiting for me. He would not dine and wine me lol, he's not that type of charmer. He's a kid in a man's body, he's a gentle idiot, he would probably take me to a field to show me his latest remote car lol, lets say he is different, and I found that difference attractive, I still do to a point.
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