Coming Clean about Everything, or Better Left Unsaid?

[bubblygrl5]

I've been thinking about things a lot lately, and wondering what to do.

 

I am in a relationship that is good (3 yrs), but hasnt always been so. I found out that the entire first yr. of my relationship was pretty much a lie. My bf wasn't very honest or truthful or faithful to me. I was a lot younger, more innocent, and pretty naive. Cheating...uhhh..what's that?

 

I broke it off, but after a few months, I decided to work it out. We talked it out - had friends talk it out with us and things got better. I never condoned his behavior - but I guess on some level I accepted his explanation (b/c there are NO excuses!!!) about why he made those actions, and what in him changed to know he will not repeat them. Some heavy duty soul searching. And at the end of it, I saw a new man.

 

Anyway, I thought I was okay enough to handle it. I told him I wouldnt be his official gf, and that we were just dating - being his gf felt like too much too fast. I guess "dating" implies that you can date others, but I didn't and I knew he was under that assumption that I wouldnt. For the first month or 2 I went on 1 or 2 dates, but that was it.

 

Maybe around the 3rd month he was back in my life, we had a huge fight. I had a cheating relapse - and I got very emotional. I went out that same night with a guy I used to date (just to talk) b/c he and I had salvaged a good friendship. Well, we ended up having sex. The next morning - I should have felt guilty, but I didn't. So, the sex went on for the next few months. It didnt happen THAT many times, but more over a long span of time, about 5 months. I felt so justified in what I was doing.

 

Well, I am a sensible person - and reason and morality kicked in, and I stopped that altogether. I had been so scared he would cheat again, I had to beat him at his own game - and when I saw he wasn't cheating, well I stopped too. I thought it was the revenge I never got, but it didnt feel good either.

 

It's been a year since that happened. A few days ago we were talking about some stuff, and I started to tell him, but I stopped. No, I don't think I did anything right or good - but I also didnt know if there was a higher purpose to telling him about this. We've brushed the topic before - I asked him how he would feel if I did something, and he said he'd be hurt, but he'd understand that it was probably retaliation - and we'd have to deal with that.

 

I know why I did what I did, and why I am not/won't do it again - but lately I have wanted to come clean. Any advice?

 

Bubbly

[Hund1976]

Lock up that info and throw away the key. If things are different now try to forget about it. It will only cause lots of new problems for your relationship.

[tanbark813]

If he was having sex with some other girl for 5 months during that time period, would you want to know? Whatever your answer is, that's what you should do.

 

But IMHO, I think it's really lame to go off and cheat on someone while trying to work things out after they cheated on you. I personally think you should have dropped him from the start and found someone else to save youself from this whole mess.

[Barby]

Originally posted by tanbark813

If he was having sex with some other girl for 5 months during that time period, would you want to know? Whatever your answer is, that's what you should do.

 

But IMHO, I think it's really lame to go off and cheat on someone while trying to work things out after they cheated on you. I personally think you should have dropped him from the start and found someone else to save youself from this whole mess.

 

 

(((Applauds Tanbark for good common sense advice)))

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Barby

(((Applauds Tanbark for good common sense advice)))

 

Thanks.

[bubblygrl5]

I am definitely not proud of it...and in hindsight, I should have gotten out right away. But really - I don't regret it, there are only lessons learned that came out of it. BUT...I would handle the situation differently if faced with it again.

 

But given what's done - what are the pros and cons?

 

I'm not afraid for him to leave me, I can accept that...at the same time, I think he will (to some degree) understand why I acted out. We havent had any problems in a year either, and both have made a lot of progress, both as a couple, and independently.

 

 

Thanks, Bubbly

[Barby]

Pros:

 

 

--You'll get it off your chest.

 

--He'll know the truth.

 

--The "air" will be cleared.

 

--You'll hurt him the way he did you?? (Pro or Con depends on how YOU see it).

 

 

Cons:

 

 

--He may think it's okay to cheat again since he thought you two were "okay" and you cheated anyway.

 

--You may lose him (but you said you don't care either way).

 

 

 

I don't know what you should do, it's up to you. You don't regret doing it, so if you tell him...make sure he knows that you're not sorry but that you would do things different now.

[bubblygrl5]

Originally posted by Barby

Pros:

 

 

--You'll get it off your chest.

 

--He'll know the truth.

 

--The "air" will be cleared.

 

--You'll hurt him the way he did you?? (Pro or Con depends on how YOU see it).

 

 

Cons:

 

 

--He may think it's okay to cheat again since he thought you two were "okay" and you cheated anyway.

 

--You may lose him (but you said you don't care either way).

 

 

 

I don't know what you should do, it's up to you. You don't regret doing it, so if you tell him...make sure he knows that you're not sorry but that you would do things different now.

 

Thanks for the advice. What I meant was that I don't regret taking him back - I do wish I hadn't done what I did. That wasn't constructive in any way whatsoever. I guess when I took him back I didn't have too much faith, and figured we'd jsut fizzle out. But we didnt!

 

Anyway, I know it's ultimately my decision, so thanks for the input.

 

Bubbly