Question : How do you forgive that which doesn't care to be forgiven?

[The_World]

I've read that the best way to deal with anger and resentment after being dumped (especially for someone else), is to pray for and forgive that person.

 

However, the reality is that my ex doesn't care to be forgiven. She's moved on with her new and oh so much better boyfriend and couldn't give two hoots whether i forgave her or not. She knows i'm still pissed at her and sometimes casually asks mutual friends how i'm doing but i know it doesn't really mean much to her.

 

So the question is : How and why should you forgive someone who doesn't care to be forgiven? She probably felt it was somewhat justified stringing me along but then leaving me because her "feelings changed and i met someone else". It doesn't really feel like real forgiveness if the other party doesn't apologize and asks for one.

 

I've considered breaking NC to contact her and ask her whether she felt what she did was justified. Luckily my friends were there to show me that it would be pointless to break NC as she would most likely ignore/shrug off/or apologize condescendingly just to get me off her back. She's also probably feel really good that i would break 5 months of NC just to bring up the betrayal that i'm still not over.

 

Ultimately it feels pointless. Also how do you forgive yourself? I've made mistakes, i wasn't the best boyfriend because i didn't have my **** together. I thought i knew how to handle a relationship but i was wrong. I constantly blame myself for being ignorant, naive and plain immature. Do you just tell yourself you are forgiven and all is well? I hope there is some sort of practical action plan because that doesn't work for me.

 

Finally hope i didn't come off as cynical. I'm just really tired with all these emotions and i really just want an answer so i can live life happy again. Thank you.

[Philosoraptor]

First start by forgiving yourself. That's the most important aspect right now. Forgive yourself for feeling resentful, for allowing yourself to be strung along. Forgiveness is understanding you made a mistake but instead of feeling negative about it making a promise to yourself to make better decisions in the future.

 

No need to make contact, forgiveness for another needn't be external; just an internal calmness and letting go of the issue.

[Itspointless]

Well I am not religious, but forgiveness in the christian sense can be seen as forgiving her for having faults, she is a human and imperfect in this form (right?) That does not neccesarily mean that you have to be at ease with what she has done to you as she has hurt you. The difference is acknowledging this is the situation with her, I see who you are and accept that, instead of saying it is okay with me now.

 

Speaking from my own view. Forgiving shoudn't be done instrumental, it is a conscience and emotional proces that begins with you. For forgiveness there is no need of consent or a dialoque it is a state of mind that is the outcome of the proces I spoke about.

 

If she has not got a mental ilness or problems than yes she thought it was justified as she made these decisions and acted on them. As for forgiving yourself, it sounds like you made the best of it as were in your potential at that time. The glass is half full here. See what you did do good and accept that that was you at your best there. Learn from it and take the lessons learned with you.

[smileforelena]

the forgiveness is not for her it is for you. so you can stop walking around with the anger and bitterness in your heart. from our heart flows everything so when our heart is free from the burden of all the negative emotions brought about by our past it is easier to breathe and live. forgiveness is one of the hardest thing to give especially to ourselves because we dont want to be easy on ourselves or make excuses. but when we acknowledge that we have learned something from the experience it gets easier. and like the previous post said you acknowledging your shortcoming is a step towards the right direction. pray for strength to forgive yourself and your ex. it will take significant amount off the heaviness you feel in your heart. it doesnt make all the mixed emotions disappear but it puts things in better perspective.

[learning_slowly]

All of the previous posts are correct.

 

You must forgive yourself ( it's a thought process), for example: for being easily fooled, for loving somebody that didn't really exist, maybe for still clinging to a person that does not deserve it. Everybody's situation is different, you may even be the dumper and need to forgive yourself for betraying somebody who loved you.

 

You can say these things to yourself, but you have to believe them, that you went in to the relationship with the best of intentions, worked at it and it didn't work out.

 

You must forgive them for what you see as a crime, as they are only doing what they think is best, whether selfishly or not. Nobody can control their heart and the natural chemicals in our brain. So sometimes they may do things which are beyond logic. Be happy they are following their path and setting you free to find somebody who is better for you.

 

The world is full of screwed up people, try to find a life where you are not one of them and can appreciate a real love in the future.

[Jiivy]

Answer: why care?

 

Fin.

[roger136913]

I forgave my Wife for everything, but she never forgave me for what I did 18 years ago.

[somegoodman]

OP, forgiveness is overrated around here and unnecessary in my opinion. I say hate the b1tch all you want. I'd rather be angry then "forgiving" of some tramp.