she says she loves me; but cant be with me; don't know what i feel

[david clark]

This is my first time here and I’m sorry for the disorganized thoughts that I would be writing, but someone once told me to write down my feelings to be able to let it out. I’ve never found the need to because I’m pretty vocal and showy of what I feel but this time it’s really different. I don’t know if anyone could read this or even relate to what I’m feeling I guess putting this out there would just help me be better I hope.

 

My girlfriend? After along time finally broke up with me (we were together 7years), well not really I mean we were steady for 2 years and she broke up with me and I guess the 5 years I ended up courting her and being with her but not in an actual relationship, but we both knew what we really are we were exclusive but not in a relationship that’s effd up right? Now don’t think of her as a bad person for making me wait for so long but, I held on thinking we would be together because I can feel she loves me and is just under a lot of stress in her life and thinks this makes her unstable. Now I understand that some people get really scared of what life is going to hurl at them but somehow I thought of myself of playing the hero and pushing her out of this dark place she’s in and make her see the good in the world, now with playing the hero I guess it scared her even more. Anyway back to how we broke it off, I could see this coming already and in the process of waiting for it I was already thinking the next time she really wants to leave me it would be goodbye for sure. See I always showed her how I felt and a few weeks priors to the goodbye I’ve seen a change in me like I’m getting ready for this war, I used to always cry at the thought out us not being together but when that day came. I didn’t know what to feel I cried for a while but not to the point that I cried my heart out, and its weird because I always cry, in my mind I know we wouldn’t be together but I cant help but feel that she’s more broken up than me and she’s the one who broke it off.

 

She broke things off telling me she needed time to herself, time to think, time for her life and that I’m too good for her things like these also happen to other people but I don’t understand why people runaway from the good things, was she was scared that I was the only person showing interest in her? Why would she want to meet new people? Is she really scared of being in a relationship or just scared of me loving her?

 

She always had a problem showing her feelings and letting people know how she is, she wants people to think she’s strong, maybe she is keeping things to your self isn’t pretty healthy in my opinion if you feel something say it would you agree, well I think I’m just lost in all of this I love her and would wait for her? Should I be crying my heart out right now? Who am I kidding I’m should be but I’m not it worries me; it worries me that I know the answer to my question. I’m worried about goodbye; I think she wants to get back with me but that stupid strong personality is holding her back. Or maybe it’s just me thinking this. In the process of writing this I haven’t shed even one tear, I love her I feel it, I wake up every hour with panic attacks the one you get after you get your heartbroken some nights it will get so bad id even have to vomit but I still wouldn’t cry about us being broken up. We text sometimes but is just plain questions and not even hi and hello. Not as the type of friends. I want to text her badly but since she said she wanted time to herself I gave it to her I wait for her to initiate just so when she does she knows I’m still here to listen.

Well I guess your already bored reading everything I’ve just written; let me know what you think about all this and what I should be doing; im not ready to see anyone else and I hope she isn’t too but things are far from being normal again specially when you’ve built 7 years of your life together.

 

A friend sent me this;

 

“if you love someone let them go, if they come back then its truly meant to be”

[david clark]

if anyone is reading this please post your comments; any thoughts about the situation is very much welcome

[david clark]

someone? anyone? please i need guidance?

[elseaacych]

Hi. Yes. If you love them, let them go.

 

They likely won't come back. If they do come back, it likely won't be for many years.

 

That's what that quote should really say. It's more honest.

 

You're feeling what you are feeling because you are in the shock depression stage. Where you are kind of numb and sad. It sounds like you are having some pretty violent physical and psychological reactions to the break up. If this continues for two more weeks, go see a therapist and get some therapy and some medication for depression. Nothing wrong with that. If the symptoms fade, continue to monitor yourself. Still go to talk therapy, because 7 years is a long relationship and you've got lots of feelings to sort out.

 

That being said, what you can do now is read the NC thread, and resolve to do it. Do what it says. Follow ALL of the instructions. It sounds counterintuitive, but from someone who has started doing it, (and doing it correctly), it has helped me massively. It will help you to do that. Do what you can today in blocking her on social media, deleting her phone number, getting her gifts and pictures out of sight. Do a little cleaning of your house if you can. DO NOT TALK TO YOUR EX. DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR EX HAS TO SAY. YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. IT WILL ONLY CONFUSE YOU AND MAKE YOU UPSET.

 

Take some time to let yourself feel, cry, wallow in the pain. Be miserable, suffer, miss your ex every moment of every day, however you need to. Set a time limit on it, no more than a week. Still be NC. Read books on how to get over a break up. Post here.

 

Then, after a week, cut yourself down to ten minutes a day where you cry and wallow. The rest of the time, get busy on living life HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE. Go follow your biggest, wildest dreams. Live for yourself, and live for the moment. It may still be hard to do, but it will get easier with time.

 

Post here if you need to, we're a friendly community and we want you to get back on your feet. To be resilient. To heal.

 

Remember: it's all going to be okay. <3

Edited April 25, 2014 by elseaacych

[Zahara]

Well I guess your already bored reading everything I’ve just written; let me know what you think about all this and what I should be doing; im not ready to see anyone else and I hope she isn’t too but things are far from being normal again specially when you’ve built 7 years of your life together. ”

 

Here's what I think. You were steady for 2 years and then a pseudo relationship for 5 years because she could not fully commit to you.

 

You've invested 7 years with no return. She breaks things off because she needs time to herself? She's had 7 years! It doesn't matter her emotional and mental state and why she does the things she does but how much more sitting around will you do. You don't get a redo when it comes to life.

 

I don't think she's scared of being in a relationship. I think she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because you're not it. She's with you because you provide a safe haven. You're comfortable. You are familiar. And even if she has these commitment issues, all you've done is enabled her behavior. On the losing end = you.

 

And you're asking if you should wait? If it hasn't happened in 7 years and even at this point you're facing an ending because she doesn't want to be with you, when do you learn the lesson and accept it.

 

Go NC and move forward. You will never be able to let go and live your life without your dependence on her if you keep feeding this unhealthy attachment.

[Chi townD]

Red flag in your post. I saw it when you wrote that she said you were too good for her. That's guilt. She feels guilty about something. I speculate that she cheated on you and seeing you just brings that guilt to the fore front.

[d0nnivain]

Her double talk is some indication that she's a kind person.

 

When she says that she still loves you, it means she cares about you & hates being the source of pain in your life. It does not mean that she continues to feel romantic love for you or that she ever wants to get back together.

 

When she says she needs time & space, it means she's trying to find a kind way of ending the 7 year relationship with the least amount of pain to you. She is not actually confused. She knows exactly what she wants: she wants her relationship with you to be over.

 

The fact that you two have broken up before tells me this relationship wasn't all that you think it was to begin with. It's over. Let it & her go. The sooner you accept this, & start the grieving process, the sooner you will heal & the rest of your life can begin.

[david clark]

Take some time to let yourself feel, cry, wallow in the pain. Be miserable, suffer, miss your ex every moment of every day, however you need to. Set a time limit on it, no more than a week. Still be NC. Read books on how to get over a break up. Post here./QUOTE]

 

thank you for that reply; i know what i should do and just let her be. maybe i am in a state of shock, and i really just want to cry this out but im not. i somehow feel that crying may let me feel better i go every day being ok. and i dont initiate contact at all i just let her contact me if she wants to but mostly just thru texts

[david clark]

I do not believe that you have a clear picture of what is going on and why she broke up with you (in the first place and also now).

 

First thing to think about - is there somebody else ? And if you say no, how can you be sure of that. It would sure explain an awful lot.

 

 

 

i think i do understand why; and its not because of someone else we talked before we broke up and she affirmed me that, this is not the case, but then again what do i know.

[david clark]

Here's what I think. You were steady for 2 years and then a pseudo relationship for 5 years because she could not fully commit to you.

 

You've invested 7 years with no return. She breaks things off because she needs time to herself? She's had 7 years! It doesn't matter her emotional and mental state and why she does the things she does but how much more sitting around will you do. You don't get a redo when it comes to life.

 

I don't think she's scared of being in a relationship. I think she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because you're not it. She's with you because you provide a safe haven. You're comfortable. You are familiar. And even if she has these commitment issues, all you've done is enabled her behavior. On the losing end = you.

 

And you're asking if you should wait? If it hasn't happened in 7 years and even at this point you're facing an ending because she doesn't want to be with you, when do you learn the lesson and accept it.

 

Go NC and move forward. You will never be able to let go and live your life without your dependence on her if you keep feeding this unhealthy attachment.

 

you are right with all of what you just said, and its exactly what she said, she doesnt want to feel bad anymore by keeping me on and not being together, i think its really because she wants to explore more in her life? in her world that she wants to do it alone that somehow im holding her back. i know i shouldnt wait around but she keeps dropping me lines to stay and im the idiot that thinks that this is a good fighting chance to be back together, i just wish i wake up tommorw and feel better about being broken up so i can move on.

[elseaacych]

This is one thing many people do not do, which is take the time to properly grieve, and let themselves feel the hurt of losing a loved one. You know it will help you feel better, and it will help you regain some sense of control.

 

Your ex will not let you regain that control, no matter what her intentions are, be they good or bad. You don't know what her intentions are, but all you know is that she has hurt you badly, and any contact you get from her or about her will only continue to hurt you. I take it you are in a lot of pain right now, and want to mitigate as much damage as possible. So block her phone number, email, facebook. Anything she can do to contact you. Don't even think about it, just do it all at once, then go cry it out. (For no longer than a week.)

 

Again, it will be okay. Just follow the NC Guide.

[david clark]

Red flag in your post. I saw it when you wrote that she said you were too good for her. That's guilt. She feels guilty about something. I speculate that she cheated on you and seeing you just brings that guilt to the fore front.

the reason why she thinks shes no good for me and im too good for her is that she doesnt want to commit she, hates herself for letting me stay so long when she thinks we would never actually be together. i know im dumb for even waiting so long.