Popsicle Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I've been trying to convince someone I know who is married to stop having an affair. Am I wasting my time? Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Yes you are wasting your time Unless the person 100% wants to end the affair they won't until they are either dumped by affair partner ... Or caught. No inbetweens it rarely happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I doubt it. My exH saw the crap I dealt with being in a R with a MM. He swore he'd never get involved with a MW for so many reasons, including the pain, etc. that I went through. He did it, anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I don't think you're likely to succeed...at all. If they're already considering it...they're already sucked in. Their ability to think rationally on the subject is probably gone at this point, and will remain so until the pain of the situation overcomes the pleasure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Yes you're wasting your time. Could anyone have talked you out of yours? It's easier to talk someone out of it who is considering it but isn't neck deep yet, and even so, if they are hellbent on it they will ignore you and rationalize away and go ahead and do it. A married person in an affair will only stop when forced to: i.e. dday or the AP ends it with them OR if they somehow have an attack of conscience...but someone else talking to them will go in one ear and out the next. The thing isn't that married people cheating or OW/OM are lacking information and with info they will stop...most people in affairs don't think it's a good choice on some rational level but weigh that they won't get caught and that the benefits they are getting are worth it...until it's not...so they're often going purely on feeling and talking to them in any kind of rational way will often not help...especially if they didn't ask for your help. If someone asks for help (like on LS when people come here struggling) they are at least open to reason and being persuaded but if they aren't asking it is even less likely they're interested in your advice and they won't listen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Most likely not. Maybe. Some people have to go through pain and heart break. Some watch others hurt and never want to experience that. Some people chose to throw common sense out the window. Some are smart and know it won't end well. Some people think they are different. Some people follow the same 'script' as others. Some people are easily manipulated. Some people don't trust easily. Some people have strong moral convictions and won't risk their souls on a dead end affair. Some don't care. Some people are weak. Some people are strong. Depends on the person. I am not one who believes that "everyone" is capable of having an affair. I see that a lot on various sites. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 I was just wondering if I will feel guilty for not saying more, especially if things go really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Maybe -"end it now - or I tell everyone starting with your BS" ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Anytime you use your words kindly and courteously for a good and/or truthful cause they are never wasted, even if you don't see the results of your verbal labor at the time or ever after. Words are powerful and may marinate in the mind and possibly contribute to a person stopping an affair at a later point. You never know. Plus, when/if the person does decide he/she wants to stop, she'll know she can turn to you for support. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 I think I talked an old very close friend of mine into NOT having an affair. I could be wrong. Maybe she just decided not to tell me. But she was working herself up over this coworker. I can't fathom what she found attractive about him, but she likes a lot of different types of men. I basically just scared her telling her her husband is a saint for putting up with her mood swings (she's bipolar - so much fun one moment, scary the next) and how lucky she is to have found him after a series of men who were criminal stalker types. Plus she had a kid. I just tried to lay out what all she had to lose. I like to think she took it seriously and maybe tongue-kissed him but then ran out crying and leaving him bewildered. Haha. I guess that's not funny, but if you knew her like I do, I can just see her doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 There is no right or wrong answer to that question. Every situation and person is different and it probably depends on how far along this potential affair is. It also depends on your relationship with the possible wayward. Other things to consider do you know the potential BS. If that person is a good friend you will not have them as a friend if you sit by and don't either do try to stop it or tell them if you can't. Affairs are so complex n why and how they start and continue I just do not see one easy pat answer to your question. Link to post Share on other sites
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Act with integrity. This is one of those "Hear me now. Believe me later." moments. Tell your friend if he is in the wrong. Tell him as tactfully as you can, bluntly only if you must. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Believe it or not, I actually talked a friend out of an affair last fall. She has no idea about my MOW status but all my red flags & year spent in LS kicked into gear when she started telling me about the MM she'd fooled around with. We had some long talks over wine and she did end up breaking it off with him. But she's a single gal, early 30s, looking for a H, and he lived a few states away, married with kids, serial cheater, and best friend of one of the husbands in our circle. So she never really got "foggy" and even without revealing what I REALLY knew about As, she broke it off with him, rebuffed him on his subsequent breadcrumbs and then he finally stopped trying & she started dating a single guy. But idk, as a MOW, when I crossed the line with my MM and found out he felt the same way, I don't think anyone could've talked me out of it because I was so drawn to HIM specifically, not just bored or over my M. Is your friend emotionally invested yet? Does she know about your A and the aftermath? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Is it a waste of time to stop someone from self harming and doing something that may hurt others or themselves and ruin their lives.....i cant agree its waste of time as a friend to anyone i cared about ...i would keep trying.......i would let them know i cared and if they truly cared about me they would know i only want to help and if they tell me to shut my mouth or f off they aren't a friend to me at that time........because a true friend would know i will stick by them regardless if i agree with them or not...ill be there when it all goes to crap...i have advised a friend i have had in the past to come clean before it got too late to save the relationship and i was there for her when it folded.......deb Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) In my experience, no. Tried to tell my best friend. She dumped me instead. Oh well...guess she wasn't a friend worth having anyway...very narcissistic. Tried ...almost begged... my sister to take the one chance she had at reconciling with her husband after she was caught. In front of me and her betrayed husband she said "I want them both"...deeeeeep in the fog. She refused to go NC...He pulled R off the table. She shacked up with OM...she lost most of her friends, half her family and her husband divorced her. She just had the OM's baby a few weeks ago..even though they are in couples counseling because she can't trust him and he has poor boundaries with women. 3 weeks ago he sent me an inappropriate private message on Facebook...I'm sitting on it. She will only shoot the messenger. Edited April 25, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 I was just wondering if I will feel guilty for not saying more, especially if things go really bad. First, I agree that it is not likely. HOWEVER if there is a chance, it all depends on approach. You call them skank, trash, rant at them, make barbed remarks, etc....They will put up a wall 6 feet thick and become defensively entrenched You tell them with words of concern/care with a dash of personal experience thrown in...they may not respond, but it is more likely to sink in. THAT is why talking to a cheater like a bully will NEVER help their situation or their marriage. This isn't the Olympics where screaming in the face of your star athlete will motivate them. The adage is true: people don't care what you know until they know that you care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I've been trying to convince someone I know who is married to stop having an affair. Am I wasting my time? Yeah! If it was a person wanting to be and OM/OW then you would have a better chance of doing that because they are not invested in looking for that. If they have got to that point then they are invested in seeing it through. Link to post Share on other sites
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