Whoa

[UnicornGirl]

WHAT THE %*#@ ?!

 

I haven't been here for a while and here's why: It's been NC since mid-December, we broke up last fall, I've felt like I'm over him since January 1. But today I get an e-mail from him. Basically, he's saying hi, he's been meaning to get in touch with me but JUST NOW has some free time in his life, wants to tell me all about a trip he went on, and is asking me to call him today. He gives me his cell and home numbers. He tried to call my cell but it's out of service since I haven't paid my bill.

 

WHAT THE #*($@ ?!

 

What do I do?! I was just talking to my counselor about how I'd probably never hear from him again and how I'm OK with that. I AM SO CONFUSED, HELP, I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK TO HIM BUT AT THE SAME TIME I DO, WHAT DO I DO?

 

Aaaaaaargh

[tattoomytoe]

do not reply. if he continmues to pester you by contacting you email him that there is no time for him in your life anymore.

[Pocky]

What is your reason for wanting to talk to him again?

[DinNJ]

It depends on you and what you truly want out of it or him..... who broke up with who? And for what reasons? Either way let him contact you... keep it casual, short and sweet, but stay confident and keep the emotional attachment to ZERO or at least a minimum.

[savethedrama4allama]

He hasn't talked to you in how long? And now he wants you to return his call TODAY?

 

I agree with the lady in the clown wig who posted above me. Don't reply. Don't snap to his wishes. Have self-respect. Call him so he can gloat about his vacation, or whatever? Please. That email he sent must be spam because you don't know who its from, do ya?? You don't know any guy by that name anymore, right? Delete.

[UnicornGirl]

OK, I think you're right. Most of you here have heard the deal, so you know he's broken up with me, gone back on all his promises after a three and a half year relationship, called me ridiculous names and given me verbal/emotional sh*t. I guess I was feeling guilty, because I'm a decent person, and I like to be nice to people in general, responding to messages, networking, making friends, etc. Thank God my cell isn't working, because I might have answered it. I don't know if I'm making the right choice, but I'll think on it for a while. For now, I'm not responding. Hey, for all he knows, I could be out of the country or something ....

 

Some of my friends suggested he needs an ego boost and that's why he contacted me. I don't want to paint him as an ill-intentioned mean, generally sh*t person, but that's what he's proven himself to be, pretty much -- a coward and a wimp that lies through a fake smile and pretends not to know the love of his life that he has been promising everything to left and right for three years. I was doing GREAT until he contacted me.

 

The only thing I hate is now it's ME that's responsible for not being friends anymore if I don't respond, whereas before, he'd said "I'll talk to you soon" in an e-mail and then disappeared for months, so it was his fault. What gives?

 

I'm confused. Arghhhhh. It's like, if his intentions are good, I regret not getting in touch; if they aren't, I don't regret it as much.

 

The main issue is I kind of see this as either an ego-boost thing, or a way of him sneakily laying the blame on me for not being friends anymore because I'm the one not responding to his e-mail. Is there some kind of evil book that helps male dumpers manipulate situations like this, shifting blame in a purely evil way?

 

Or is this just my interpretation? Oh well, I have to study. Screw this problem for a few hours, at least, and let me know what you think.

[Mr Spock]

Nah, why torture yourself with "If he wants to get back together I'll answer, if he doesn't I won't"

 

Delete the email. Remove the temptation.

[ex]

UnicornGirl,

 

I am sending you "please don't call him" vibes - are you feeling them?

 

I think what makes it clear that you shouldn't call is simply that his message makes you feel conflicted. I have no idea whether he is a great guy or a shyt, great intentions or horrible ones... but if his message is making you feel confused, I'm guessing that maintaining NC will be best for you.

 

And believe me, I know how hard it can be to do that.

 

Also, I would bet that maintaining NC now does NOT preclude a future friendship or even reconciliation further along down the road. If anything, I believe it will make the chances for such even better...

 

Stay strong!

 

(WTF?! That's amazing that after a 3.5 yr relationship, you start NC mid-December, and you are OK by the New Year?? You are super strong, lady! What's your secret?)

[UnicornGirl]

Yes, ex, I got the vibes. I am not calling. I talked about it today with a friend and she helped me figure out what I think. My PERSONAL choices are this: 1. Don't respond, and 2. Respond with an honest statement saying "I don't like that you disappear for a long time and then write to me in this casual, friendly way as if I am a distant relative. I feel sad and disrespected." Something honest and to the point.

 

Both are powerful statements for my self-respect and authority. When someone is hurting you, they stop when you put a wall up and say "This is not okay." Either of these things do that.

 

Looking over those choices, I feel that I don't want to respond to him right now. For now, I am not going to say anything.

 

I am trying to imprint upon my brain that it is NOT a bad thing, it is NOT impolite, it is NOT "all this is my fault and I'm the one responsible for us not being friends" if I don't respond. All throughout this relationship I have struggled with this person taking on my feelings, getting upset when I lead with my feelings and trust my instincts. I am not going to consider how he feels in this, because this is my life now, not a life I am leading to accomodate another person.

 

ex, thank you for the point about NC not hurting a friendship or relationship sometime in life. It helps me to feel like I'm not burning bridges by not responding to this. Feeling conflicted is a good indicator to slow down.

 

I guess I am doing really well. I go to counseling and I am very busy and I have wonderful friends. I have spent months laboring over trying to get back together and I have transferred that laboring onto working on myself and my life. It's just now gotten to the point where I don't cry at least once every day. I barely ever cry over him being gone now. I comprehend that he is not perfect. I go to the gym three times a week with my best friend, I wear makeup again, I am eating healthily and acing all of my courses, performing in a play this weekend and going out every weekend with friends, dancing the night away in the city.

 

The only thing I am still really struggling with is feeling like I am beneath him since he told me over and over and OVER again there was so much wrong with me through all this. I sometimes really believe I won't find anyone better, like no one will ever think I am beautiful and funny and smart and, most important, understand me the way he did. I feel like I ruined something beautiful sometimes, like nothing will ever be that beautiful again. I am still working on that, and I will get there.

 

I have transitioned successfully to focusing on myself and am realizing I am a stronger, smarter woman than I thought I was when I was with him. My advice to you if you are struggling is to go to counseling. It helps you peel back layers of awareness until you can see everything more clearly.

 

All this sounds quite cliche, but who cares, because it's true.

[ion]

I think a clear rule of sorts if a situation like this arises, if you expend energy either in thought, what is this about? instead of oh, it would be good to see him/her, or in emotions, it hurts the way i was treated/still am instead of it's been a long time i miss him/her, then it's not a prudent course to follow.

 

And for the record, I'm not saying this is a state that is reachable for everyone's situation. But I hope it is.

[KaiaMahina]

I'm not quite sure why you think it matters (and to whom it matters) that it may be perceived that it's all your fault that the two of you are no longer friends.

 

With the way he has treated you, why would you be friends in the first place?

 

And in the second place, he can take out a front page ad in the New York Times screaming "All UnicornGirl's Fault We Are No Longer Friends!" and what real difference would it make? There's no big book where your name is going to be blacklisted for eternity, you know.

 

I admire your strength and intelligence and the way that you've obviously moved so confidently forward despite the obstacles. Don't let a little thing like this worry you.

[No Foolin]

savethedrama4yrmama

 

I agree with the lady in the clown wig who posted above me. {QUOTE}

 

 

lol, what???????? More clown wig, lol.

[NewMe]

Hey U-Girl,

 

this is the same person as "ex" up there, I just finally registered.

 

First I want to say that your resolve is inspiring. I admire your attitude.

 

Originally posted by UnicornGirl

The only thing I am still really struggling with is feeling like I am beneath him since he told me over and over and OVER again there was so much wrong with me through all this. I sometimes really believe I won't find anyone better, like no one will ever think I am beautiful and funny and smart and, most important, understand me the way he did. I feel like I ruined something beautiful sometimes, like nothing will ever be that beautiful again. I am still working on that, and I will get there.

 

I want to tell you that right after my breakup, I was in the"oh it's my fault" zone. I felt like he's been just about perfect, and the relationship fell through because of me. Everyone tried to tell me that this was actually a predictable reaction, but I didn't want to hear that. I thought "oh no no, you don't understand, it should've worked, it was me that f*ed up, we were the love of each other's lives, this was special and different," etc. etc. But at this point, I have begun to realize that everybody was right! I had fallen into the Romanticization Trap! There is definitely a universal post-breakup phase where one can idealize an ex and a relationship, and during which you forget all the ways in which your needs were not getting met.

 

Personally, it's really helped me to make lists like:

- Things about this relationship I didn't like.

- Needs of mine that weren't getting met.

- What I gave away in this relationship

- What I will get in my next relationship that I didn't get this time

 

I'm just not the kind of person who can tune out the somewhat obsessive thoughts. Some people will say "no need to dwell" in order to move on -- but I'm just the type who has to process for awhile. (Just it's important to process productively.)

 

Originally posted by UnicornGirl

All this sounds quite cliche, but who cares, because it's true.

 

I love that you said this. Yes, who cares indeed!

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Unicorngirl,

 

how are you doing? I really admire your strength and the progress you have made.

 

Did he try to contact you again, or did you reply after all?

 

How are you feeling about your decision not to reply? Hope you are still doing splendid!

 

Gottabe