Second date

[pepsimax]

Hi,

 

I really need advice please. I am 39yrs old female, slightly overweight. I haven't been out on a date in over 10 years (married and afterwards long time boyfriend). Anyways, a week ago I had a first date after a lot of persuasion from friends. Shockingly for me he is interested and wants a second date tomorrow afternoon (around 14:00) as we will have the whole day to do stuff.

 

What on earth do you wear for such a date? It's going to be very hot tomorrow. What not to wear?

 

Another question-do i tell him or not-I am going overseas in about a week to family and a concert. I didn't tell him yet. The issue is that a good guy friend of mine decided at the last minute that he wants to join me. He will stay with me at my family but separate rooms. I have known him for over 10 years...all that know him think he is gay. Hanging out with him is like hanging out with a female. I don't think it's a good idea to contribute this information to my date. What do I do? If all goes well tomorrow and we continue seeing each other I can't exactly disappear for a week. What do i tell him that won't scare him away?

 

Thanks

[SoonMyFriend]

1) Wear whatever you feel comfortable in for the weather tomorrow. If it's going to be hot, but cool at night, maybe pack a light sweater or something that's easy to carry but will allow you to be warm later. But the key - dress comfortably so you won't be worrying about your outfit all day.

 

2) I'd tell him you are going on vacation, why wouldn't you? You don't need to go into crazy detail, but just mention "Hey I'll be gone to X next week, so I won't be in touch" and then maybe arrange for a date when you return so you can tell him all about the trip?

 

I don't see why telling him you're going on a vacation will scare him off so soon.

 

Be overall, just relax and have fun

[pepsimax]

on the vacation. That is my issue...to tell or not? My friends said of course not to say anything about the guy friend-he won't understand that that guy is like a girlfriend. So what do i do? What if he offers to take me to or from the airport? I promised my guy friend that my sister will give him a lift as he has nobody to take him. What to do?

 

Thanks for the reply

[J21]

I think I would tell him about the guy friend coming along on the vacation (but also let him know he's a family friend and all that). It could come out unintentionally somewhere in the future (maybe photos or slip up) and he may feel as if he got the wool pulled over him.

 

If he is a decent and confident guy, he should really have no problem. I mean let's be honest, at 2 dates, you're both still getting to know each other. There's no reason to start off any relationship by hiding information IMO.

[TXGuy]

I think I would tell him about the guy friend coming along on the vacation (but also let him know he's a family friend and all that). It could come out unintentionally somewhere in the future (maybe photos or slip up) and he may feel as if he got the wool pulled over him.

 

I disagree. I would not volunteer you are going on vacation with another guy.

Feel free to mention the upcoming vacation if it comes up in conversation, but don't make a big deal of it.

 

You have only been on one date (going on two) with this guy. He has no reason to get bent out of shape about you going on vacation. If he offers to drive you to the airport, simply decline politely.

 

As long as you do not sleep with the date guy before your trip, practically nothing you do (or could be perceived to have done) on vacation will be an issue. This is the case whether details come to light later or not.

 

I'd strongly advise against telling him you are going with another man, but just 'as friends.' You are not at the point where you owe your date guy an explanation. Furthermore, he will likely not believe you. If i were in his place, I wouldn't (even though I believe your post).

[SoonMyFriend]

on the vacation. That is my issue...to tell or not? My friends said of course not to say anything about the guy friend-he won't understand that that guy is like a girlfriend. So what do i do? What if he offers to take me to or from the airport? I promised my guy friend that my sister will give him a lift as he has nobody to take him. What to do?

 

Thanks for the reply

 

I think you are really overthinking this, and worrying about nothing.

 

You don't owe him any sort of explanation, except to maybe say "Hey I will be gone next week, so I won't really be in contact. But I hope we can get together when I get back".

 

If he offers to drive you to the airport, politely decline and just say everything has already been arranged and you don't want to inconvenience anyone.

 

If he gets upset, or bent out of shape over this, THIS early into dating then to me that would be a red flag. TXGuy hit the nail on the head.

[pepsimax]

The night before the big second daytime date he came passed to say hi. Told me again that i am really cute and gave me a warm friendly hug at the end. He said that he is free from around 14:00 the following day and we will meet then. He is doing renovations at his place breaking down walls and that but he should be free by 14:00. When the time came and i didn't hear from him i called him. He didn't answer but called back about an hour later to say that he is sorry that he didn't answer but the builders are still at him and there is a big mess and he doesn't think we will go out-his house his like a building site and he has to clean.

 

Today, is a new day and stupidly enough i decided to call him..that was 2 hours ago and of course he didn't pick up or call back and I still haven't heard from him...i was stood up and my self esteem which was low to start with doesn't exist now...i am really upset.

[Gottabestrong]

Sweetie, I think it is the lack of dating experience that is making you feel that way.

 

First of all, you are not a fool! You met a guy, you liked him, he asked you out for a second date and you accepted.

 

Him not calling to cancel the date was very rude. You calling him to ask what is up is totally normal. But after he called you back and said the date would not happen due to his need to clean up, you should have stopped being open to him. He messed up and if he wants to see you again he has to make up for it.

 

Don't call him again or try to get in touch with him in any other way. Assume that he is no longer interested and move on. It does not matter why, after one date anybody is free to change their mind about someone without having to give a detailed explanation. Maybe an ex came back into his life, who knows?

 

Bottom line, accept that this does not seem to go further, look forward to your vacation and be open to meeting new guys!

 

Good luck!

[KatZee]

Today, is a new day and stupidly enough i decided to call him..that was 2 hours ago and of course he didn't pick up or call back and I still haven't heard from him...i was stood up and my self esteem which was low to start with doesn't exist now...i am really upset.

 

 

You weren't stood up at all....

 

Being stood up would be him making plans, telling you he'll either pick you up or meet you somewhere, and then never shows. This guy had to cancel due to renovations at his house.

 

You're also severely overthinking, and overreacting. You're putting so much emotional effort into a guy you met once. ONCE.

 

You should not be initiating calling him multiple times from here on out. You should not be obsessing over whether to tell him about going on a vacation with a friend, or what the sleeping arrangements are. You do not know this guy from a hole in the wall, he is not your boyfriend, you are not even dating him. He's presence in your life at this point should have ZERO effect on you. He is essentially nothing right now.

 

Yet you are allowing him to control your emotions, and the way you view yourself. You have no self esteem left because some stranger didn't pick up a phone call from you? From outside perspective, your behaviors come off very intense, and that's kind of a red flag for someone. Especially coming from someone you've met ONCE.

 

You need to just forget the dude exists and continue on with the life you had before you went on one date with him. Don't call him, don't initiate plans, don't allow him to control your emotions.

[SoonMyFriend]

I agree, you weren't stood up, and you are overreacting.

 

 

I was in a similar position to you - late 20s when I dumped my long term boyfriend, hadn't dated since I was 16. I started to overthink every single date I went on, and I allowed myself to fall for someone to quickly and in the end got hurt.

 

 

The ball is in his court, and you should move on and enjoy your vacation. Don't let this ruin your self esteem or your confidence. This happens all the time. And it could be he is really busy with his renovations and can't respond to you right away.

 

Don't contact him again. If he's interested he will come back.

 

 

For now - I'd enjoy your vacation, and also find ways to boost your self esteem and get your anxiety levels down. I was the same way with men. But at the end of the day, you want to be with someone who equally wants to be with YOU. Anyone who shows anything less than that isn't worth your time or emotions.

 

 

Please don't let this guy drag you down.

[pepsimax]

I agree with all the replies. I will enjoy my vacation. I know I am not in any kind of relationship with him…don't even know his surname. My self-esteem is low as it is so having a guy that I think is cute reject me isn't pleasant at all.

He called me Saturday night (the day following what was supposed to be our date) to say sorry about everything…that he had a hectic day today also. I told him I am with a friend so he said to call him back when I am at home and he will tell me about it. I did and I didn't really understand what was hectic besides that he is really absorbed with the renovations and sketches. He told me again that I am really cute and I think he used the but word..he said that his mind is all in the renovations now.

So, I guess he ended it coz of that. My guy friend told me to give him space for a few days and he doesn't think that he ended it..he said to send him a message in a few days and ask about the renovations..to show an interest and understanding…and to see how he will respond.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[pepsimax]

It was great. Before i left i sent him a message that i am interested in getting to know him better and what does he think. The following day he called and we spoke and he said we will meet when i get back.

While i was there we chatted on whatsapp once or twice.

When i got back I send him a message and he replied and that evening he called. On Thursday we met for the third time.

I went to his place..he was sweet but exhausted...came back from his cousin's funeral who died after being hospitalised for 5 days. He touched me a bit but didn't go too far at all.

The following day, Friday i called him and he called back a few hours later. Wanted me to come over but he was going with his family to the mourners house. He said maybe we will meet Saturday and we live close so it's not a problem.

Came Saturday, i phoned and he didn't reply. I text him a few hours later to see he was okay. I saw he wasn't on whatsapp the entire day.

At around 23:00 he text me (i guess that is when he came back to earth) and said sorry that he disappeared for a while. I asked if everything was fine and he said yes. I wrote that i wanted to meet him today or something of that sort and no reply.

Yesterday, i sent him a message hi, what are your plans for tonight? I haven't heard from him until now and i probably won't..

 

The guy does have a thing where he doesn't text back or phone for a few days but surely after i sent him such a message he should have had the decency to respond.

Why did he pull the POOF magic act on me?

I am really bummed out. It sucks. Should i ask him what is wrong ? Should i do something to find out the reason? Or should i leave him alone?

 

He is in his early 40s and has never been married. I was married and in serious relationships all the time until nearly 3 years ago when i got out of a bad relationship. I was scared to date and wanted time to learn to be happy by myself without a guy. This is the first time i agreed to go on a date and it was great and now i am really hurt

[angel.eyes]

Chica, you're doing all the work here! This guy is so not interested in dating you. Stop texting him, contacting him on whatsapp, followiing up when he doesn't respond, and asking for dates. He's a grown man. If he wants a date, he knows how to ask. He doesn't need your help, prompting, or reminders to follow through.

 

When you continually bug a guy who is not that into you, and is clearly not invested in actually dating you, you simply set yourself up to be his booty call when he has nothing better going on. Hence all the comments about how cute you are...but NO date! Please move on instead of bugging him for attention.

 

So he doesn't want to date you? His loss! Other men have been interested before, and it will happen again! Leave him to continue doing whatever it was that he couldn't quite explain but kept him so busy he could never make a second date with you.