BHsigh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Even if that info was given to you by the OW? Yes- as I have said before- if an OW thinks disclosure is in order this is what I would "prefer"- I would want her to give the MM a very short deadline-like 2 weeks to tell the W and if not than she would-I think disclosure should come from the H if possible but if he will not, then the OW is fine. The OW should be prepared to stand by whatever decision the couple decides- if they want to reconcile- she should bow out and honor it- Exactly, an OW disclosing/pushing for disclosure shows that she's at least serious about wanting a relationship with the WS, and isn't OK with the lying either. 3
painfullyobvious Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I think most would have liked to find out sooner. I spent many nights "paranoid" and second guessing myself as my ex "reassured" me that nothing was taking place. I spent a lot of time looking at my relationship noticing things were not right but not being able to figure out what. As a result I wasted a lot of time on a relationship I was having that included another person that I was unaware of. I could have used that extra time until discovery healing and moving on with my life instead of feeling stupid, asking myself why I was feeling like my ex was cheating and being convinced I was the problem while she lied and cheated. I regret trying to reconcile at times but I can say I at least gave her a chance to change. I regret the time wasted but I only sat that because I have the vision of hindsight. 2
DKT3 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 For me it wasn't confirmed until after she had divorce papers. She gave some half a$$ what if type of confession then back tracked. But it was too late and all of a sudden some many things made sense. What followed was the worse 14 month period of my life. She just wouldn't admit to anything. After about 8 months I started to withdraw and honestly not care. I rarely spoke to her at all. She cried all the freaking time because I wouldn't touch her. Many of you know my story. The funny thing is, had I found out sooner I think I would have run on pure ego and pride. I likely would have not simply avoided her but engaged and it would have gotten nasty. I don't know if she was in a fog, but once I knew about it it was mostly over a few texts and meet ups mostly about how I was on her trail and she felt I would harm him if I found out who he was. My anger was high, so I feel for me it worked out for the best. 1
No Limit Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Wrote it in a different thread already and I'll gladly write it again -- I wouldn't mind if they stopped for a second just to call me right out of bed. I'd just want to know as soon as possible so I can pick my things and leave this toxic man as quickly as possible. 2
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 From you posting history you have been unhappy in this marriage for the last 5 years. You have questioned staying versus seperating for some time now. Afraid to be on your own versus staying in a marriage you have outgrown. He is a comfortable place, but from your history that is not enough or right for you nor has it been for some time. Now it appears that you have decided to have an affair. See an attorney and find out your options. If you are engaging with another person end that. Prepare to have a heart to heart with your husband and lay out what you want. Then act, and follow through. How do you want the next 5 years to be? Thank you for your very thoughtful post and for taking the time to look at my posting history.
atreides Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) I too read some of your posting history via the threads you started. What urks me is something i read about your H not being able to financially support you. Please tell me that is shell for perhaps unresolved issues from his past affair? I mean i don't know one couple where both are not working and neither side can fully support the other with the same living standards. In your back and forth over the threads, you let your H go and then take him back, so is this thread about "wishing" you knew before your H had his affair as to prevent it and thus in my opinion remove the roller coaster of emotions you have been feeling over the years? I mean i may have not read all of what your wrote and missed your list of incompatibilities, but to me it seems deeper and shallower than that as in you in my opinion seem to be covering your true issues with others. Edited April 25, 2014 by atreides
hard2c Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 yes I do wish that I had known of her treachery. Imagine things to do with out a cheating spouse at your side. 1
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 26, 2014 Author Posted April 26, 2014 Thank you to you all for your responses. I am not proud of the situation I now find myself in, and am totally conflicted on what I should be doing. Even 18 months of IC has not shown me the clarity for the way forward. I am really appreciative of all your responses though so thank you.
compulsivedancer Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 I don't get the AP suddenly developing a conscience when an A is over, that seems more like revenge to me. I get the drawing a line in the sand at the beginning and telling the AP to sort out their marriage and then come find them. If the AP is going to tell, do it at the beginning, let the WS know they are doing it, see what happens to the A then. If it is 'meant to be' they will step up, if they offer excuse after excuse it is gaslighting, in much the same way the BS is being gaslighted. Could it be that in some cases affair ending causes the "fog" to lift a little, and makes the AP's conscience kick back in, in which case s/he wants to set things right? Also, people always counsel an OM/OW to give the WS an ultimatum, as the WS is frequently telling the OP how they plan to leave soon. Something like, I'll give you X number of days/weeks/months to leave/tell your wife/make a decision, then I'll tell her if you don't. While waiting until it's over isn't ideal, would you rather hear it from an xAP after it's over, or not hear at all?
compulsivedancer Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Even if that info was given to you by the OW? Yes- as I have said before- if an OW thinks disclosure is in order this is what I would "prefer"- I would want her to give the MM a very short deadline-like 2 weeks to tell the W and if not than she would-I think disclosure should come from the H if possible but if he will not, then the OW is fine. The OW should be prepared to stand by whatever decision the couple decides- if they want to reconcile- she should bow out and honor it- H gave my OM 2 days to tell his long-term GF. Then H called her and told her everything. This gave OM the chance to tell, but still allowed H to make sure she got the more complete version of the truth than what OM told her. I think this was a good way to handle it. 1
suckerpunch55 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Yes of course I would have, but it was not suspicions at first just a feeling of things not being right between us, a loss of intimacy both physically and emotionally. There could have been many reasons for the change in our relationship, an affair being one.
badkarma2013 Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 This is a quote I found,,,applies to a lot of us.. People are always fascinated by infidelity because, in the end - whether we've had direct experience or not - there's part of you that knows there's absolutely no more piercing betrayal. People are undone by it. 1
EverySunset Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 YYYYYYYYYY EEEEEEEEEE SSSSSSSSS So much wasted. It boggles my mind.
Raena Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I suspected the truth from the moment his OW contacted me on twitter but it took 6 months for the full truth to come out. I went CRAZY during that 6 months trying to figure out what the real story was... he gaslighted me like a true pro. He did actually end the affair and she moved away after he ended it, but I was like a rabid dog with a bone in wanting to know the truth. I was like a private investigator checking every angle and I wouldn't let it go until I found out the truth. In the end, he told me it was because I wouldn't leave it alone that he finally decided to fess up and then leave to be with her. (I kicked him out, but I think he planned it that way so I would look like the "bad guy") Would I have liked to know the truth from the get go? Absolutely. That 6 months was torture. I thought I was losing my mind. He knew damn well that if I knew the truth about what he had done that I'd boot his arse out the door... he tried to hide it from me and end it with her thinking that as long as I didn't know the truth it would all work out. He didn't account for her stupidity in posting crap on twitter about him or my tenacious ability to sleuth out the truth. Yes, I would have liked to have known much sooner than I did.
solost28 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 In a lot of ways i wish i never knew. I was completely blind for 5yrs and once i found oyt i found out yrs of infidelity not just the once. But everyone in his family/friends mustve thought i was so stupid considerring they told on him numerous times and i refused to believe it. I wish he never did it.
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