Decisiontomake Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Hi there I would like to ask any betrayed spouses that had suspicions for a while that their other halves were cheating, if they would have rather had those suspicions confirmed - to validate their instincts, whatever implosion then took place, or if they would have rather not known if the cheating spouse managed to stop it and re-engage in the marriage. Yes, this is from a personal angle, and I'm sure some may have questions, which I'll happily answer, but some feedback on this would be really appreciated. Thank you.
purplesorrow Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) Hi there I would like to ask any betrayed spouses that had suspicions for a while that their other halves were cheating, if they would have rather had those suspicions confirmed - to validate their instincts, whatever implosion then took place, or if they would have rather not known if the cheating spouse managed to stop it and re-engage in the marriage. Yes, this is from a personal angle, and I'm sure some may have questions, which I'll happily answer, but some feedback on this would be really appreciated. Thank you. I wish mine were confirmed earlier. I knew things weren't right but he just kept denying when I would ask questions. There was no missing time as he would meet her on his lunch. Nothing on the phone bill because he had a google number I didn't know about. I was going crazy because he was showing all the typical signs. My anxiety got so bad I went on meds, and he watched me go through all that anguish. He could have ended all that suffering with an honest conversation. Edited April 24, 2014 by purplesorrow 4
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 I wish mine were confirmed earlier. I knew things weren't right but he just kept denying when I would ask questions. There was no missing time as he would meet her on his lunch. Nothing on the phone bill because he had a google number I didn't know about. I was going crazy because he was showing all the typical signs. My anxiety got so bad I went on meds, and he watched me go through all that anguish. He could have ended all that suffering with an honest conversation. Thank you for your personal story. Might I ask if your relationship ended as a result of the discovery? And did he eventually confess, or did you discover it another way? Please feel free not to answer if I am being too nosy!
snappytomcat Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 h*ll,yes I would have liked to have known sooner,my husband had a long distance 3 year affair,they saw each other 3 times,3 times to many,but I had suspesions about 2 years before I found out,which was last june. its hard when I knew we were having problems,and I continued asking him,if there was someone else,he acted angry that I could offend him with such a question. he said it was work stress,and I do agree he has a stressful job,and I asked so we are ok then?he would say yes,i asked him this many times,even suggested mc,cause I knew something was missing,he was different,not happy like he always had been,he just seemed sad. of course on dday,he begged for me to go to mc,and I did but my heart wasn't in it at firstmi couldn't even stand looking at home,let alone being in a small room,and having to talk to him,but we are in recovery now.
ChooseTruth Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I was so close to catching her in lying about the scope of the whole thing on DDay it was ridiculous...but instead it took me another 4 months. I even wonder if we'd still be together if I had just known the full truth from the start. Yeah I wish I had found out sooner. What a waste of counseling time. 1
ladydesigner Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Of course I would have, I may have been able to have stoped the A from going from EA to PA, but I know there probably wasn't anything I really could have done if that's what he wanted My fWH too saw me going through mental anguish day in and day out asking him what was wrong and him always telling me it was work related. I asked for more time at home and he balked at me. I was being gaslit to the umpteenth degree. I wish someone would have been honest with me, especially after Dday. 4
Author Decisiontomake Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 OK - so, if the affair had ended and your spouses re-engaged/committed - would you still have wanted to know?
ladydesigner Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 OK - so, if the affair had ended and your spouses re-engaged/committed - would you still have wanted to know? Absolutely because the shared intimacy wouldn't be there. I could always feel something off when my WH was detaching or detached from me. This was a year before the A started. By knowing the A happened lets the WS spouse work on those issues that led to the A and the BS can work on themselves as well towards a healthier marriage. 2
purplesorrow Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Thank you for your personal story. Might I ask if your relationship ended as a result of the discovery? And did he eventually confess, or did you discover it another way? Please feel free not to answer if I am being too nosy! My dday was Feb 6, 2013. I was so tired thought I just can't take this any more. The very first password I tried for his Facebook account gave me all the proof I needed. He lied about details until I threatened a polygraph. I kicked him out the next day. He came back in April. I put him out for good in May and have been waiting out the year of separation before I can file for divorce. Neither decision feels good, leave nor stay.
Owl Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 You know, I've debated this one back and forth in my mind many times in the past. I suspected for about two months. I SERIOUSLY knew something was wrong for the last two weeks leading up to d-day. Do I wish I could have dealt with this sooner? I do. But I don't think that we'd have the outcome we have (which is recovery) had I discovered it sooner. Things had kind of reached a critical point in their affair at the same time I made my discovery. And it forced an escalation that they actually weren't ready for yet...which ultimately led to the demise of the affair, and our marital recovery. Had I discovered things a week prior...our outcome may have been much different. It more likely would have been taken underground, and I wouldn't have been able to push for our marriage to recover the way that it did. We likely wouldn't have truly addressed the issues as thoroughly as we have. So...I don't know what the real answer is here in my case. 4
RightThere Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I think I am in the minority in that I was clueless to my WW's infidelity. I suspected something was "up" but did not actually think she was cheating. Even though the signs were everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Blind trust was my downfall. Obviously I wish I had known earlier, or that I suspected more than just "I wonder what's going on?" I doubt you'll get anyone who wished they could have stayed in the dark for as long or longer than they did. 1
notserene Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) But I don't think that we'd have the outcome we have (which is recovery) had I discovered it sooner. Things had kind of reached a critical point in their affair at the same time I made my discovery. About a week before I discovered something was going on (i.e., the cell phone bill), OW had started pushing my H to leave and move in with her. The affair had been going on for about six weeks at that point (!). If I had confronted him with my suspicions earlier, would he have been ready to give up on her? I will never know. If he had still been in the "fun" part of the affair, for all I know he might have dithered more. As it was, when I asked if he wanted to be with her the answer was emphatically no. Edited April 24, 2014 by notserene 1
peaksandvalleys Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 ok - so, if the affair had ended and your spouses re-engaged/committed - would you still have wanted to know? yes................. 1
peaksandvalleys Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I think I am in the minority in that I was clueless to my WW's infidelity. I suspected something was "up" but did not actually think she was cheating. Even though the signs were everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Blind trust was my downfall. Obviously I wish I had known earlier, or that I suspected more than just "I wonder what's going on?" I doubt you'll get anyone who wished they could have stayed in the dark for as long or longer than they did. I too knew something was not right but I foolishly believed it was just aging and moving into a different life phase. I never would have thought he was cheating. I certainly wouldn't have believed he was cheating for years and possibly had a child. So hell yes I would have liked to know sooner. Like 25 years sooner. 1
jnel921 Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 My H cellphone call log is what alerted me. I saw he had calls and texts to one specific numbers at all hours of the day and night. When I confronted him, he lied and said it was a coworker. When I called it was the OW, but at that time he claimed a different story. He said she was his good friends GF which was true, however H claimed she would call him to ask and talk about his friend. I did speak to his friend to confirm if they knew each other but his friend was also confused as to why they were calling and texting. A few months later the OW let the cat out of the bag. I honestly wished my H would have confirmed it before when I wasted my time and energy asking. When he finally admitted to everything I was very upset. The level of lies and excuses were ridiculous. He is lucky I didn't kick him to the curb. 1
underpants Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 From you posting history you have been unhappy in this marriage for the last 5 years. You have questioned staying versus seperating for some time now. Afraid to be on your own versus staying in a marriage you have outgrown. He is a comfortable place, but from your history that is not enough or right for you nor has it been for some time. Now it appears that you have decided to have an affair. See an attorney and find out your options. If you are engaging with another person end that. Prepare to have a heart to heart with your husband and lay out what you want. Then act, and follow through. How do you want the next 5 years to be?
James-London Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 i think the general rule is that people should admit to their cheat to their partner and that the BS would want to know. There may be some rare circumstances where it is in everyone's interests (in particular that BS) that the truth/full truth is not told. However, I think if the BS know that something happened but does not know the full story, then the cheating partner should confess everything. The BS may say they don't want to know everything, but it will just eat away at them and the relationship unless the truth is told.
Spectre Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) It's really hard to imagine any sane rational person who wouldn't want to know sooner. I mean, come on now. You knowing sooner equates to you spending less time made a damn fool of. Who would WANT to be made a fool of? Nobody, not one single soul. This is why the very best thing a cheater can do, the very best way for them to even begin going down that road that one day maybe shows they do actual have some love in their heart for this person..is to immediately tell them that they have cheated on them. At the FIRST CHANCE THEY GET. Anything less then that shows a complete lack of respect and caring. Every single second you spend living a lie is like you are basically shouting to the world how selfish you are, and how only what you want matters. Edited April 25, 2014 by Spectre 3
gettingstronger Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I also had no idea and attributed our changes to the stress of jobs and kids-but YES- I agree the sooner the better to find out the truth of my life- 1
QuakerOats Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 yes................. Even if that info was given to you by the OW? 1
badkarma2013 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I let dozens of red flags flutter all around me ....because I like many here believed ,Your wife would have an affair ...but not mine. Her phone became her life....sex dwindled to nothing...promotion to be oms executive asst....spoke of him (looking back) way too much in conversations....lost weight (he bought her a gym membership) so the could meet up.....new clothes (him)...list could go on but im sure every BS has seen much of this. My DDAY after so many lies was her phone ....i found pics of her and him ( no doubt of affair then) most (looked like) taken by a third party. so sorry then....but not so much for the deceit and lies. 1
fellini Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) You seem to have some clear concept you want to draw here, not sure why you dont just say it. However, your question is a little vague. Sooner? If im going to have to find out about the affair in order to stop it, well, yes. Before PA would be nice. Problem is that EA didnt require juggling timetables so there were no solid red flags. They are there, but since no one wants to believe anything is going on... Once PA hit, there were red flags but still, i thought the best of her, not the kind of red flags where I am saying, thats okay, I trust my wife, but the kind of red flags where she is not doing things according to 10 years of routine. If I could imagine choosing between my dday and her ending the affair on her own? I would not have wanted to know. I would have preferred that the night my WS told me, that instead she kept her mouth shut, ended her A, and then did all the stuff a responsible person like her should have done, and actually had to do, with or without me: NC, IC, reinvest in us (marriage and family) and not make me the one to run the show. But since she only ended the A by telling me and getting me to do it, id rather a dday than have to wait I dont know how many years for her to do the right thing and end it Edited April 25, 2014 by fellini 2
seren Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 My H told me, there was no discovery, but we had been through a number of very stressful times in the years before. I asked at one point if he was happy, did he want to leave, if there was someone else, the answer to all were that he loved me, loved us, was stressed, work was busy etc etc. Because I loved him and still do, I didn't want to add to his stress, so when he was acting like a complete and utter dickhead, I didn't push as hard as I might have, At one point I asked if he wanted a divorce, he went to pieces and told me he wasn't good enough for me, was a bad person and all the while I was reassuring him he was wonderful. He told me had, had an 8 month A, was not in love, had told her it was over, told me I could have everything and that he was sorry. I asked if he wanted to stay, the rest is history, we are almost 7 years along. I wish someone had told me about the A at the beginning, I could have made an informed choice as to whether I continued to support him, emotionally and financially. I could have made a different career choice so as to cut myself some slack. I did it to plan for our future, we were still planning for our future. I don't get the AP suddenly developing a conscience when an A is over, that seems more like revenge to me. I get the drawing a line in the sand at the beginning and telling the AP to sort out their marriage and then come find them. If the AP is going to tell, do it at the beginning, let the WS know they are doing it, see what happens to the A then. If it is 'meant to be' they will step up, if they offer excuse after excuse it is gaslighting, in much the same way the BS is being gaslighted. 1
BHsigh Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 The sooner the better. I felt like I was going crazy for 6 months, and through the first two ddays that she talked her way out of. 6 months of me wondering what my problem was, she kept saying that she was OK, everything was ok. The first dday, (after she talked me out of believing something was up) we stayed up talking all night, all night, I called in to work the next day. We stayed up talking about how we had a rough patch over the summer, but that it was getting better, we were both going to focus on us and we would stay happy. The next day she downloaded an app on her phone that would hide texts, and told OM about what happened. So yes, I would have prefered to know as soon as I had suspicions, it would have saved me about 6 months worth of thinking that I was crazy. Some say that they wouldn't want to know, and I respect that, but I believe that the BS knowing is what helps to kick the WS out of their affair fog. My wife was planning on leaving me, even after OM dumped her, and she continued to feel like that up until I caught her affair, then she slowly came to realize what she really wanted, and she fought to stay with me, even when I asked her for a divorce and we separated. I believe that until the BS knows the full truth, that nothing the WS says is to be trusted, until the WS can see the pain that they caused, they will never truly know themselves. Some people would rather that the WS come out of it on their own, without disclosure, but honestly, that rarely happens. And even then, is the WS being honest with themselves, can they truly judge themselves after that, with no repurcussions? Seeing the pain in your "loves ones" eyes because of your actions is huge motivator. Silence in a relationship is death, that is why I will always, always push a WS for full disclosure to the BS, anything less is a half-hearted attempt.
gettingstronger Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Even if that info was given to you by the OW? Yes- as I have said before- if an OW thinks disclosure is in order this is what I would "prefer"- I would want her to give the MM a very short deadline-like 2 weeks to tell the W and if not than she would-I think disclosure should come from the H if possible but if he will not, then the OW is fine. The OW should be prepared to stand by whatever decision the couple decides- if they want to reconcile- she should bow out and honor it- 2
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