James-London Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 If you're not sure, maybe its a bit hasty to run straight for divorce? If you feel you have to be 100% sure you can forgive him in order to stay in the marriage, then I would not agree. I am not saying that you should necessarily stay with him either. My thought here would just be that throwing in the towel might something you regret unless you are sure that is what you want.
Author purplesorrow Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 If you're not sure, maybe its a bit hasty to run straight for divorce? If you feel you have to be 100% sure you can forgive him in order to stay in the marriage, then I would not agree. I am not saying that you should necessarily stay with him either. My thought here would just be that throwing in the towel might something you regret unless you are sure that is what you want. It has been almost 15 months. I think it is cruel to allow my indecision to hold him hostage. I know he wants to reconcile. I didn't want to give any false hope because that isn't fair. He said he would pursue even if we divorce so I guess that won't really stop us if we are supposed to be together right? All I've been told is the marriage we had is dead, so I think a funeral is fitting.
James-London Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 "all i've been told...". Who has said this? Not sure who has been filling your head with this stuff, but you need to make your own decision about that, and not just follow what someone else says about it. Also, i don't think you are being "cruel" by your indecision. Your H screwed up big time. REALLY big time. So, you take as much time you need. Do not feel guilty about your indecision. If your H cannot deal with it, then he is welcome to make the decision for you and divorce you! Also, it sounds like you guys are in limbo because he has not done enough to reassure you that it was a mistake, that he loves you, that you can really trust him again etc. You say you are proud of his progress, but does that now mean you trust him again? If you are happy to imagine him with another women without feeling jealous, does that mean you still love him? it sounds like there are some fundamental questions unresolved here. maybe a couples therapist might be a way forwards?
Author purplesorrow Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 "all i've been told...". Who has said this? Not sure who has been filling your head with this stuff, but you need to make your own decision about that, and not just follow what someone else says about it. Also, i don't think you are being "cruel" by your indecision. Your H screwed up big time. REALLY big time. So, you take as much time you need. Do not feel guilty about your indecision. If your H cannot deal with it, then he is welcome to make the decision for you and divorce you! Also, it sounds like you guys are in limbo because he has not done enough to reassure you that it was a mistake, that he loves you, that you can really trust him again etc. You say you are proud of his progress, but does that now mean you trust him again? If you are happy to imagine him with another women without feeling jealous, does that mean you still love him? it sounds like there are some fundamental questions unresolved here. maybe a couples therapist might be a way forwards? I know my marriage is dead, didn't need anyone to tell me. That is just something that is commonly said. We have both been in therapy. I've done my soul searching. Is it really fair to wait another year and then say no thanks? I think it is cruel. Trust has to be earned, we haven't worked on that because I don't need to trust him as an ex husband.
James-London Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 ok. well, it sounds like there is nothing more he could do to deserve another chance from you. it sounds like you have tried but you are exhausted now. that is fine. the other thing is, if you did "reconcile", would it ever be the same again?
Man Mountain Makino Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 You never claimed to be perfect. It's a simpleminded observation - a complete non sequitur. It means nothing. 3
Author purplesorrow Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 ok. well, it sounds like there is nothing more he could do to deserve another chance from you. it sounds like you have tried but you are exhausted now. that is fine. the other thing is, if you did "reconcile", would it ever be the same again? This has changed us both so much that no I don't think it would ever be the same, nor should it be.
Spectre Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 After cheating, there is absolutely zero chance things will ever be the same again. It just won't, it doesn't matter how much healing you do, it won't happen. That is the cold hard truth of the matter. Of course on the flip side you can see people who have said an affair brought them closer together then ever. For my part, that is one method of achieving closeness I never ever want to experience. No thanks, I'll take it the old fashioned non-betrayal way. 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Without trust, there can be no marriage. The betrayal was grand, you say. Well, he does not control your emotions and your soon to be ex-mother in laws opinions about your emotions are irrelevant. Bury this dead marriage. Tell her - if she had better boundaries herself she would have raised a son who was not given to deceit. But she sees the fault as yours ? Self- deception also. All people rationalise their own choices. This can sometimes lead them into absurdity. Perhaps she should consider her own contribution to the problem - by tolerating cheating, she raised a cheater.
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