You must be perfect

[purplesorrow]

That is what my MIL emailed me when she realized I was going forward with the divorce. She told me how when her husband went outside the marriage, she gave him time to decide what he wanted. She eventually realized that he needed her more than she did him and so they stayed married.

I told her he chose me when we married, I didn't become an option because he decided to cheat. Do I really have to defend wanting to protect myself from any further hurt from him? I know he is her son, but surely she can see it isn't as simple as him now finally wanting to be a husband? I feel like once the marriage is over, my suffering is over. The pain and hurt will still be there but the suffering ends. I never thought I would divorce, but here I am. I'm not happy about it. But if divorce or staying with someone who could live a secret life while smiling in my face are my only choices, I choose the first one.

I will be the first to say that people who want to change can. I hope he has changed and I am perfectly fine with him being a great partner for someone else. In my mind I can't see a life where I am fulfilled with him anymore. I'm too tired to work at this marriage any more. I just want some peace and I want to find my smile again.

Does not reconciling really mean to some that a bs thinks they are perfect? She acts like I wanted a divorce. For those that can reconcile, my hat is off to you. I fear I will always think about his affair. How do you handle the in-laws?

[Red123]

I'm so sorry that you are being treated this way. That is not fair for her to place her values and opinions on you. Staying with someone because they need you is not a good reason. IMO someone should stay married because they love each other and believe that they can make each other happy. Only you know if this is the right choice for you and it isn't fair for someone not in your marriage to decide for you. No one is perfect!!!! When I read your post I believed that you haven't made your decision in haste and that it is right for you. Also I'm sure that things were different during her time dealing with an A, I don't believe married women thought they had the options we have. Stay strong and don't let the judgements of others sway you.

[Spectre]

Yeah, see, arguments this are just dumb. There are no other ways to describe it. Being pissed off over a betrayal doesn't mean the person is suggesting they are perfect or without fault. I honestly think some people just plain must go insane. That is the only explanation for rational adults thinking this utter nonsense. I otherwise can't grasp it. It's like trying to read the Necronomicon or something, us mere mortals can't even fathom the depths of it.

 

So yeah, screw your mother in law. Tell her that her daughter is a cheater and a liar and you NEVER ONCE signed up for that. There is not a single part in the marital vows that allows for banging other dudes. Please point me to that part if there is. Ask her to point it out to you, to underline that part in the vows that says you can go screw another guy as long as you are really super sorry about it after. I can't even imagine the absolute nerve some people have.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Spectre

[gettingstronger]

Good thing is when you divorce you will be rid of the mother in law too! Tell her she sealed the deal, thank her for that and don't look back.

[harrybrown]

Sorry that you had to have this treatment from your MIL.

 

Tell her if he had been a good boy, he would not have caused this divorce.

[Furious]

That is what my MIL emailed me when she realized I was going forward with the divorce. She told me how when her husband went outside the marriage, she gave him time to decide what he wanted. She eventually realized that he needed her more than she did him and so they stayed married.

I told her he chose me when we married, I didn't become an option because he decided to cheat. Do I really have to defend wanting to protect myself from any further hurt from him? I know he is her son, but surely she can see it isn't as simple as him now finally wanting to be a husband? I feel like once the marriage is over, my suffering is over. The pain and hurt will still be there but the suffering ends. I never thought I would divorce, but here I am. I'm not happy about it. But if divorce or staying with someone who could live a secret life while smiling in my face are my only choices, I choose the first one.

I will be the first to say that people who want to change can. I hope he has changed and I am perfectly fine with him being a great partner for someone else. In my mind I can't see a life where I am fulfilled with him anymore. I'm too tired to work at this marriage any more. I just want some peace and I want to find my smile again.

Does not reconciling really mean to some that a bs thinks they are perfect? She acts like I wanted a divorce. For those that can reconcile, my hat is off to you. I fear I will always think about his affair. How do you handle the in-laws?

 

 

 

You're way too smart for these people. You can't argue with stupid, but just get as far away from it as possible.

 

Don't let your MIL get to you. She doesn't sound too smart. It's no surprise her son ended up just like his dad. The nut doesn't fall too far from the tree.

 

Keep your interaction to a minimum with your in laws. Don't allow ignorant insults to hurt you.

[frogss29]

She is just seeing it from her sons point of view. She wants him to be happy Divorce is hard for everyone, not just the two in the marriage. She is losing someone who she thought would be part of her family forever, too. Shame she didn't convey her feelings in a sympathetic way . Not only is she losing a DIL, but a friend as well now.

People can be so stupid.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I did not talk to my in-laws about the divorce when I left. He is their family, so I realized that they were always going to sympathize with him first, as they did throughout the marriage. It didn't matter that he'd cheated numerous times, lied habitually, was financially irresponsible. All that mattered to them was that I had done him wrong by leaving.

 

A year after I left, his sister asked to meet me somewhere and give me some things for the kids. She started asking questions and I told her the truth. She revealed all the lies he'd been telling to his family and asked why I'd never said anything. I told her it didn't matter. I was done with that part of my life and didn't care what other people THOUGHT happened or should've happened. All that mattered is that I am happy now and have moved on and closed the door on that part of my life. His lies or their scorn can never change that.

[purplesorrow]

This is so isolating. I have only told a select few. He told all of his friends and family. All of them are encouraging reconciliation. It is starting to wear me down. I'm trying to remain civil as I have a 5 year old who loves them. I'm just plain tired. Peace to you all.

[amaysngrace]

Is it a wonder that the son cheats when his own mother doesn't have any regard for boundaries?

 

She was out of line for putting her unsolicited opinion out there.

 

Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. I'm totally convinced of that.

[Spectre]

She is just seeing it from her sons point of view.

 

The problem though is..that is the POV of a cheater.

[beach]

Is it a wonder that the son cheats when his own mother doesn't have any regard for boundaries?

 

She was out of line for putting her unsolicited opinion out there.

 

Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. I'm totally convinced of that.

 

^^ this is good.

 

I would have told her that her opinion isn't relevant at this point. That her son ruined what was good in the M - and to keep her thoughts to herself.

 

Perfect has nothing to do with expecting a husband to honor and respect his wife.

 

She was trying to get a rise out of you by being hurtful.

 

If you wanted to be mean - you could suggest that you don't intend to be weak and settle for a cheater. But that may not be helpful.

[Cpt]

That is what my MIL emailed me when she realized I was going forward with the divorce. She told me how when her husband went outside the marriage, she gave him time to decide what he wanted. She eventually realized that he needed her more than she did him and so they stayed married.

 

http://i.imgur.com/0wens.gif

 

I told her he chose me when we married, I didn't become an option because he decided to cheat. Do I really have to defend wanting to protect myself from any further hurt from him? I know he is her son, but surely she can see it isn't as simple as him now finally wanting to be a husband? I feel like once the marriage is over, my suffering is over. The pain and hurt will still be there but the suffering ends. I never thought I would divorce, but here I am. I'm not happy about it. But if divorce or staying with someone who could live a secret life while smiling in my face are my only choices, I choose the first one.

I will be the first to say that people who want to change can. I hope he has changed and I am perfectly fine with him being a great partner for someone else. In my mind I can't see a life where I am fulfilled with him anymore. I'm too tired to work at this marriage any more. I just want some peace and I want to find my smile again.

 

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyhy3fchhC1qj9mbf.gif

[Dark Holy]

Blood is thick.

[road]

She is just seeing it from her sons point of view. She wants him to be happy Divorce is hard for everyone, not just the two in the marriage. She is losing someone who she thought would be part of her family forever,

 

 

 

Exactly this.

[jnel921]

Like yourself my first M ended in D due to my XH's infidelity. When I had had enough and packed his stuff and took it to my in-laws while he was at work my XMIL gave me crap too. I remember her telling me how I was mistaken...how HER SON would never do such a thing...blah blah blah. His sister whom I was very close to took his side as well. I had a 1 year old and was 4 months pregnant with our daughter.

 

The pain, suffering and humiliation was too much to bear. I felt as if I exhausted every resource to make it work and it didn't. I gave him a choice, and he made the choice to be with another woman.

 

That was almost 17 years ago. The best decision I ever made. Over the years my XH remarried and became a serial cheater. I didn't need that in my life...although my current H did have a brief A and we did decide to stay together.

 

I stayed because he was remorseful. He didn't have any real feelings for this person. He wanted to work on making our M better and a year and a half later it is.

 

The circumstances of the A will dictate whether the M is worth saving. There are definite deal breakers for me. If his A would have been lengthier, based on them professing mutual love or was with someone we both knew, it would have been over. I am not afraid to leave and start over. Been there done that.

 

I don't have any communication with my XH's family and I. Like it that way. You will be okay. Don't let anyone convince you to do anything. You know your heart and your WH better than any of them.

 

Good Luck to you.

[notserene]

I'm sure she's sad...but blaming purplesorrow is totally the wrong way to go here.

[Spectre]

Exactly this.

 

At the same time, if she is upset at losing a family member then she should direct her blame/accusations/ and flat out wrong comments to her child, the one who caused the loss. You certainly don't obnoxiously phrase it as "are you perfect?". Since..yeah, THAT is certainly going to be the thing that changes his mind, being a passive aggressive b*tch about things. I know that would make me feel nothing but love for the MIL.

 

That is like if tomorrow someone goes out drunk driving and crashes their car and dies because of it and then their family members act pissed off at the beer company they bought the booze from.

[violet1]

Blood is very thick like another poster stated. When my H cheated on me many years ago, his mother defended him too. We weren't married at the time, but living together. She said, "You two aren't married so it's not adultery." Denial at it's finest. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Spectre]

Blood is very thick like another poster stated. When my H cheated on me many years ago, his mother defended him too. We weren't married at the time, but living together. She said, "You two aren't married so it's not adultery." Denial at it's finest. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Yeah see people with attitudes like this are everything that is wrong with the world when it comes to cheating,etc. It's not adultery if you aren't married? How a rational adult could come up with such hogwash is beyond comprehension. As if a marriage license envelopes one in some magical affair proof shield that will deflect it all, but until then? Everything is fair game. Oh how I wish the world was as simple as these people mistakenly believe it to be. It would almost be cute if it wasn't also so damn disturbing.

Edited April 24, 2014 by Spectre

[No Limit]

She's choosing "his side" because it's her son. It's best to ignore (and also start cutting contact with) your MIL.

 

Be glad you're rid of him, now he's someone else's problem. Next time your MIL gives a smartarse comment like this just reply that she'll soon have a new daughter-in-law anyway.

[James-London]

i'm a bit surprised you even care what the MIL says or thinks. How is your marriage any of her business? if you don't care what your husband thinks, not sure why you care what his mother thinks!

 

i was wondering how you can be so sure that you do not want to reconcile? What if he came to you and was really remorseful, said he changed, that he loves you and that he wants another chance?? Is there nothing he could do?.... or perhaps you just don't love him anymore?

[stillafool]

Just because you have high self esteem and she decided to stay with her cheating husband doesn't mean you have to. She should tell her son to accept the consequences of his cheating. You did the right thing. Like another one said when you get rid of him you get rid of her too. Good luck.

[peaksandvalleys]

That is what my MIL emailed me when she realized I was going forward with the divorce. She told me how when her husband went outside the marriage, she gave him time to decide what he wanted. She eventually realized that he needed her more than she did him and so they stayed married.

I told her he chose me when we married, I didn't become an option because he decided to cheat. Do I really have to defend wanting to protect myself from any further hurt from him? I know he is her son, but surely she can see it isn't as simple as him now finally wanting to be a husband? I feel like once the marriage is over, my suffering is over. The pain and hurt will still be there but the suffering ends. I never thought I would divorce, but here I am. I'm not happy about it. But if divorce or staying with someone who could live a secret life while smiling in my face are my only choices, I choose the first one.

I will be the first to say that people who want to change can. I hope he has changed and I am perfectly fine with him being a great partner for someone else. In my mind I can't see a life where I am fulfilled with him anymore. I'm too tired to work at this marriage any more. I just want some peace and I want to find my smile again.

Does not reconciling really mean to some that a bs thinks they are perfect? She acts like I wanted a divorce. For those that can reconcile, my hat is off to you. I fear I will always think about his affair. How do you handle the in-laws?

 

 

 

I am sorry this wasn't an issue for me so I do not have any practical advice but I wanted you to know that I think you are a brave woman for sticking up for what you need to heal regardless of what others think.

[purplesorrow]

i'm a bit surprised you even care what the MIL says or thinks. How is your marriage any of her business? if you don't care what your husband thinks, not sure why you care what his mother thinks!

 

i was wondering how you can be so sure that you do not want to reconcile? What if he came to you and was really remorseful, said he changed, that he loves you and that he wants another chance?? Is there nothing he could do?.... or perhaps you just don't love him anymore?

 

 

I'm not sure! He has been remorseful and has done a lot of work on himself. I am actually very proud of his progress as a man and as a father. I honestly think he will be a great partner now. He is no longer the problem. I do love him, but the betrayal was grand. The struggle is mine internally. At the moment I can't imagine a time where thinking of his affair won't cause pain. He deserves someone who loves him without reservation. Will I always hold this against him? I don't know. Will a small part of me hold back to punish him? I don't know. For those reasons I don't think it is fair to stay in the marriage. Maybe I'll have a light bulb moment and not be able to pull the plug. I really don't know. I couldn't make either choice and be 100% certain because of the many variables out of my control.