The Pain Came Back

[badkarma2013]

Dont always agree with you...lol rarely ever.....but i understand your pain and would not wish this on anyone.....im here if you ever need to talk..i may call on you one day...

 

we are members of a club NO ONE wants to join.

[Davey L]

Thank you all! I never expected to get such well-considered and thoughtful, positive, constructive and helpful replies. To be honest I was expecting to get some abuse for my own appalling behaviour.

Putting my feelings into print like this, and reading the replies, has made me much happier with my situation. Somehow it has helped me get my head straightened out.

I think I now have a simple choice.

1. I can disclose my own affair, and ask my wife to disclose hers. Try to understand what went on, what her motivations were and so on, and hope that she can likewise understand mine. A tall order - I don't even understand my own motivation in my affair. Pitfalls seem to be that (a) "truth" can be elusive, much of the stories being subjective and about feelings rather than facts, particularly given the many years that have passed since and (b) the truth could be explosive and wreck what has been an, if not perfect, at least generally satisfactory marriage. Advantage would be that IF we survived it, we MIGHT have a better foundation for going forwards.

2. I can leave it all swept under the rug, accept that it is history, that we were different and less mature people then, and that the last 16-17 years of marriage since is the history that really matters. I will have then have to focus on improving our marriage, being a better husband and developing a closer and more open relationship with my wife from now on. Disadvantage is the historical facts remain like a little black cloud lurking in the sky.

I think I will NOT disclose, and I will not seek any further information from her. I will try to accept that the past is the past and we are what we are now, not what we were and what we did so many years ago. I know it's a fudge, and a not very satisfactory one at that, and that it will come up in my mind whenever we have significant difficulties at home, but I know she loves me now anyway, no matter what, even if her love was a bit shaky 18 years ago.

I know that this is perhaps not what many of you have recommended. But life is built out of fudges and compromises, and really, even those of you that advocate full openness, would you care to have your whole life including your all innermost thoughts scrutinised under a microscope by your wife or husband? Yet that is what we are asking for when we ask "why?" to an affair.

Thank you all again, your comments have helped me enormously. I will try to respond to some of them individually where particular points have been brought up.

[fellini]

Wishing you the best of luck to find the peace and happiness that you can live with. Maybe you will have to take that secret with you, I don't blame you, and of course, it will cost you some morally. But what is done is done, and if you have to live with it, then live with it. Unburdening it is not going to solve that.

 

Will follow your story a little more.

 

Thank you all! I never expected to get such well-considered and thoughtful, positive, constructive and helpful replies. To be honest I was expecting to get some abuse for my own appalling behaviour.

Putting my feelings into print like this, and reading the replies, has made me much happier with my situation. Somehow it has helped me get my head straightened out.

I think I now have a simple choice.

1. I can disclose my own affair, and ask my wife to disclose hers. Try to understand what went on, what her motivations were and so on, and hope that she can likewise understand mine. A tall order - I don't even understand my own motivation in my affair. Pitfalls seem to be that (a) "truth" can be elusive, much of the stories being subjective and about feelings rather than facts, particularly given the many years that have passed since and (b) the truth could be explosive and wreck what has been an, if not perfect, at least generally satisfactory marriage. Advantage would be that IF we survived it, we MIGHT have a better foundation for going forwards.

2. I can leave it all swept under the rug, accept that it is history, that we were different and less mature people then, and that the last 16-17 years of marriage since is the history that really matters. I will have then have to focus on improving our marriage, being a better husband and developing a closer and more open relationship with my wife from now on. Disadvantage is the historical facts remain like a little black cloud lurking in the sky.

I think I will NOT disclose, and I will not seek any further information from her. I will try to accept that the past is the past and we are what we are now, not what we were and what we did so many years ago. I know it's a fudge, and a not very satisfactory one at that, and that it will come up in my mind whenever we have significant difficulties at home, but I know she loves me now anyway, no matter what, even if her love was a bit shaky 18 years ago.

I know that this is perhaps not what many of you have recommended. But life is built out of fudges and compromises, and really, even those of you that advocate full openness, would you care to have your whole life including your all innermost thoughts scrutinised under a microscope by your wife or husband? Yet that is what we are asking for when we ask "why?" to an affair.

Thank you all again, your comments have helped me enormously. I will try to respond to some of them individually where particular points have been brought up.

[BetrayedH]

Well, I can't say I agree with you but you knew that already.

 

For what it's worth, I am glad that at least you've accept that you can't really delve further into her affair(s) while being unwilling to even mention your own. The choice really is between either rugsweeping or both of you coming clean. Either put up or shut up. That third option was all kinds of wrong but where you originally started this thread.

 

I did want to answer your one question about if anybody would really want to subject themselves to the scrutiny of their spouse. My answer is yes, that's entirely what I want. Life is tough. And if I'm going to have a partner for this whole mess, I absolutely want there to be no secrets and no lies. We've got to trust each other. I want it to be her and I against the world and that she knows all of my flaws (and I know hers). There's nothing hidden and she loves me, warts and all. That's a partnership worth being saddled into for the rest of my life. If it's not like that, I'm not interested. YMMV.

[James-London]

I just read BetrayedH's last post - not sure I agree. You can certainly ask her to disclose her affairs without you disclosing yours. Different people have different attitudes to the truth - as we have seen from this thread!

 

I think OP is like me - he needs to know the truth. Understanding what happened will help explain why and how things happened and this can be really therapeutic. However, not everyone is like that.... Many people would rather not know the truth. My ex was someone like that and I guess she just assumed that I thought like her.

 

I know it sounds unfair and unequal to ask someone about what they did without disclosing yourself - but for others "truth" is not that important. They might even prefer not to know.

 

I suggest that you: a) try to spend more time with your wife, ask what is special about how and why you love her... perhaps take her away on a holiday and have some alone time together, b) ask what you really need to know and what you what does not really matter. If/when you do ask her, make sure that she feels safe and that you will still love her no matter what she says, c) decide what you want to tell her about what you did. For example, you could confess to an affair but not admit it was the sister??

 

I wish you luck with this one.

 

James.

[drifter777]

You make a lot of good, sensible, logical points and I understand where you are coming from. The one thing you need to accept is that your anger and shame are going to continue to pop up at various times - and you don't get to pick the times.

 

It's likely that this will all boil over again and you will have to face the same decision. Maybe some counseling could help you prepare for that day.

[bigman1]

OP, that is REALLY HORRIBLE to hear. I think that you had best do some thinking about how that whole thing with the sister happened. I don't get sleeping in the same bed. there is so much to that story that I question that I cannot begin to even write down one for fear that I cannot stop. Sorry to say, I doubt your short version and partial explanation. No offense, but you gotta .... let me stop there. Be completely truthful with yourself on that issue first, then with your wife. I'm not saying the story is made up, just the version, unconnected to its brevity, seems....lacking in some things.

 

That being said, you need to own you sh*T. It's not about destroying the memory of her sister. Come one. That is wayward spouse thinking. So is the whole saving your marriage excuse. Strap up and jump in there with a big ole hefty dose of truth. Then ride that avalanche. Its gonna come out.

 

You can't ask for advice that will only work in an environment of truth and honesty while being untruthful yourself. It's like exercising while eating a big mac or going for treatment of emphysema and smoking on the way there and back. It does not work. Get on with being truthful to yourself and your wife. No matter what happens, it will be better for both of you in the end.

Edited April 24, 2014 by bigman1
clarification.

[James-London]

i don't necessarily agree with the last poster. he is projecting what he would need onto your situation. personally, i would also need the truth - i would not function without it. but that does not mean it is necessarily right for what you need and what your wife needs.

 

also - you got to balance the moral obligation of being totally honest (and wanting everything out in the open) with the downside that you could be destroying everything you have with your wife and it could cause some serious/permanent emotional damage to you/your wife.

 

i just think it is more nuanced than saying - all the truth, no matter what the cost.... again - that is what i would would want. but that is not the medicine that is always best for everyone.

[Spectre]

Wow, just another example of the deep seeds that one betrayal can plant. Some that, at times, can take years to grow to fruition. This is why cheating is more or less a deal breaker for me. People try to mask the pain by forgiving it and when they do that it leads them to do all kinds of bad things. Not necessarily this specific thing, but it's always a definite possibility. It was wrong of your wife to have an affair, and it was unfortunate that health issues that soon followed made you feel like you could not leave her.

 

However, choosing to have an affair yourself just made matters worse. She will see this as something that possibly lets her off the hook for what she has done, but more then that..yes, revenge is never good. You would of been better to just be honest with her about the urges you were having regarding her sister, and that your resentment over her past behavior had lead to the feelings to develop. Then at least you were not deceiving her.

 

But you have deceived and cheated, and some might think that cancels out what she did, but it doesn't. You should take responsibility for what you did. You need to tell her what you did and what you feel lead you down that road. She at least deserves to hear it. Then you need to divorce. This has been a poison that has been in you for nearly 2 decades, it's time to let it all flow out. The animosity and bitterness won't help. The "eye for an eye" mentality won't help. You or her feeling like you are now "even" won't help.

 

I feel it is best you just move on and find someone else. It might be hard, but you both deserve to be with someone who, no matter what, will NOT cheat. She hurt you, she cheated, but so did you. You both did wrong. She deserves to know. Not only because of what you did, but because the betrayal came from someone close to her as well(her sister). I am not condoning what you did, but one thing you need to realize: do not let your wife try to imply your affair was worse because it was with her sister. Some people might view that as a deeper betrayal, but in this context I don't think she has any room to throw stones. Once again: you were 100% wrong with how you handled this, but at the same time do not let her blameshift. Rather, acknowledge both your faults.

Edited April 25, 2014 by Spectre

[fellini]

(Before today)...the

BS

plays NO part in an affair. I'

m

sorry, this is NOT mere opinion, this is a fact. Trying to argue otherwise is like trying to argue that 2+2 does not equal 4. You are NEVER going to be able to successfully argue it,

so

why bother?

 

(Today) This is why cheating is more or less a deal breaker for me. People try to mask the pain by forgiving it

and when they do that it leads them to do all kinds of bad things

. Not necessarily this specific thing,

but it's always a definite possibility

.

 

Well I see your position has softened somewhat (of course the responsibility to cheat still is made by the cheater, but at least you are recognising that the BS (in this case WS/BS) might have done something that lead BS/WS to think he could do it... So things aren't as black and white as you paint them.

 

OP. You are right. Im convinced if you "clear the air" you won't be clearing any air whatsoever. You will be creating a total eclipse over everything:

 

You will hurt your spouse BEYOND any pain that a simple A might have done. And I think hurt is too kind a word. You will destroy the very fabrick of her core values and being and do so on the back of her sister. Her sister is not going to come back from the grave to enable her to find any closure or confirmation or understanding of any kind.

 

You will damage beyond any redemption the entire family/families involved in the sister's world, the mother, the children EVERYONE will be devastated.

 

In fact TELLING will be the most selfish act you could make: putting your own guilt onto others and destroying their good memory of someone who can not defend herself or ask for forgiveness or seek understanding.

 

Put the moral value of not hurting others for your own gain over some vague notion of the absolute value of truth.

 

 

Wow, just another example of the deep seeds that one betrayal can plant. Some that, at times, can take years to grow to fruition. This is why cheating is more or less a deal breaker for me. People try to mask the pain by forgiving it and when they do that it leads them to do all kinds of bad things. Not necessarily this specific thing, but it's always a definite possibility. It was wrong of your wife to have an affair, and it was unfortunate that health issues that soon followed made you feel like you could not leave her.

 

However, choosing to have an affair yourself just made matters worse. She will see this as something that possibly lets her off the hook for what she has done, but more then that..yes, revenge is never good. You would of been better to just be honest with her about the urges you were having regarding her sister, and that your resentment over her past behavior had lead to the feelings to develop. Then at least you were not deceiving her.

 

But you have deceived and cheated, and some might think that cancels out what she did, but it doesn't. You should take responsibility for what you did. You need to tell her what you did and what you feel lead you down that road. She at least deserves to hear it. Then you need to divorce. This has been a poison that has been in you for nearly 2 decades, it's time to let it all flow out. The animosity and bitterness won't help. The "eye for an eye" mentality won't help. You or her feeling like you are now "even" won't help.

 

I feel it is best you just move on and find someone else. It might be hard, but you both deserve to be with someone who, no matter what, will NOT cheat. She hurt you, she cheated, but so did you. You both did wrong. She deserves to know. Not only because of what you did, but because the betrayal came from someone close to her as well(her sister). I am not condoning what you did, but one thing you need to realize: do not let your wife try to imply your affair was worse because it was with her sister. Some people might view that as a deeper betrayal, but in this context I don't think she has any room to throw stones. Once again: you were 100% wrong with how you handled this, but at the same time do not let her blameshift. Rather, acknowledge both your faults.

Edited April 25, 2014 by fellini

[Davey L]

Wow, just another example of the deep seeds that one betrayal can plant. Some that, at times, can take years to grow to fruition. This is why cheating is more or less a deal breaker for me. People try to mask the pain by forgiving it and when they do that it leads them to do all kinds of bad things. Not necessarily this specific thing, but it's always a definite possibility. It was wrong of your wife to have an affair, and it was unfortunate that health issues that soon followed made you feel like you could not leave her.

 

However, choosing to have an affair yourself just made matters worse. She will see this as something that possibly lets her off the hook for what she has done, but more then that..yes, revenge is never good. You would of been better to just be honest with her about the urges you were having regarding her sister, and that your resentment over her past behavior had lead to the feelings to develop. Then at least you were not deceiving her.

 

But you have deceived and cheated, and some might think that cancels out what she did, but it doesn't. You should take responsibility for what you did. You need to tell her what you did and what you feel lead you down that road. She at least deserves to hear it. Then you need to divorce. This has been a poison that has been in you for nearly 2 decades, it's time to let it all flow out. The animosity and bitterness won't help. The "eye for an eye" mentality won't help. You or her feeling like you are now "even" won't help.

 

I feel it is best you just move on and find someone else. It might be hard, but you both deserve to be with someone who, no matter what, will NOT cheat. She hurt you, she cheated, but so did you. You both did wrong. She deserves to know. Not only because of what you did, but because the betrayal came from someone close to her as well(her sister). I am not condoning what you did, but one thing you need to realize: do not let your wife try to imply your affair was worse because it was with her sister. Some people might view that as a deeper betrayal, but in this context I don't think she has any room to throw stones. Once again: you were 100% wrong with how you handled this, but at the same time do not let her blameshift. Rather, acknowledge both your faults.

 

It might be "wrong" to continue to sweep it under the rug. But, disclosing and moving on is something I'm just not prepared to do. We've had 16 years since the last of her affairs and the end of mine. I'm not throwing that away for anything either of us did all those years ago.

 

As a bit of further information - she stopped her cheating ways at the time I had my (quite short) affair with her sister. She seemed to refocus on me, so I did with her. I wonder sometimes if she suspected something, or at least was worried that something was developing, and that maybe that re-focussed her. If so, I also then wonder whether the reason she never voiced any suspicion was because she didn't want to know.

 

The discussion on here has somewhat cleared my own mind on this. I am not prepared to throw away our marriage. I am not prepared to discard my wife (or put her in a position where she feels she has to leave for her own self-respect). I am not prepared to cause untold hurt and devastation not just to her but to her memory of her sister and the rest of her family. I am not prepared to do anything like that to a wife that has come to totally rely and depend on me.

 

I AM prepared to live with my own guilt. I AM prepared to accept the pain that her own affairs gave me, and continue to give me. In fact, the discussion here and the thoughts it has triggered has made it less painful to me; in fact, I now no longer really mind that she had the affairs; she must have had her reasons and the woman that did that is not really the same woman I live with today - she's become a different person over the last 16-18 years.

 

So although I am not following your advice, I thank you. Because you have made me think it through and given me clarity on the choices I have, the consequences of making those choices, and what I want and what I think is best for my wife.

[BHsigh]

It might be "wrong" to continue to sweep it under the rug. But, disclosing and moving on is something I'm just not prepared to do. We've had 16 years since the last of her affairs and the end of mine. I'm not throwing that away for anything either of us did all those years ago.

 

As a bit of further information - she stopped her cheating ways at the time I had my (quite short) affair with her sister. She seemed to refocus on me, so I did with her. I wonder sometimes if she suspected something, or at least was worried that something was developing, and that maybe that re-focussed her. If so, I also then wonder whether the reason she never voiced any suspicion was because she didn't want to know.

 

The discussion on here has somewhat cleared my own mind on this. I am not prepared to throw away our marriage. I am not prepared to discard my wife (or put her in a position where she feels she has to leave for her own self-respect). I am not prepared to cause untold hurt and devastation not just to her but to her memory of her sister and the rest of her family. I am not prepared to do anything like that to a wife that has come to totally rely and depend on me.

 

I AM prepared to live with my own guilt. I AM prepared to accept the pain that her own affairs gave me, and continue to give me. In fact, the discussion here and the thoughts it has triggered has made it less painful to me; in fact, I now no longer really mind that she had the affairs; she must have had her reasons and the woman that did that is not really the same woman I live with today - she's become a different person over the last 16-18 years.

 

So although I am not following your advice, I thank you. Because you have made me think it through and given me clarity on the choices I have, the consequences of making those choices, and what I want and what I think is best for my wife.

 

The bolded and underlined part is what I disagree with the most, that's WS talk.

 

Would your wife agree or disagree do you think?

[BHsigh]

I have never told anyone about my affair either, because I am sure she would certainly and unhesitatingly, walk away if she knew about it, given who it was with.

 

Oh, nevermind, you answered the above question right here.

 

But whatever, you've made up your mind to make your wifes choices for her.

 

I hope everything works out for you two.

[Davey L]

OP, that is REALLY HORRIBLE to hear. I think that you had best do some thinking about how that whole thing with the sister happened. I don't get sleeping in the same bed. there is so much to that story that I question that I cannot begin to even write down one for fear that I cannot stop. Sorry to say, I doubt your short version and partial explanation. No offense, but you gotta .... let me stop there. Be completely truthful with yourself on that issue first, then with your wife. I'm not saying the story is made up, just the version, unconnected to its brevity, seems....lacking in some things.

 

That being said, you need to own you sh*T. It's not about destroying the memory of her sister. Come one. That is wayward spouse thinking. So is the whole saving your marriage excuse. Strap up and jump in there with a big ole hefty dose of truth. Then ride that avalanche. Its gonna come out.

 

You can't ask for advice that will only work in an environment of truth and honesty while being untruthful yourself. It's like exercising while eating a big mac or going for treatment of emphysema and smoking on the way there and back. It does not work. Get on with being truthful to yourself and your wife. No matter what happens, it will be better for both of you in the end.

 

I can assure you that I have been truthful as far as I know it. The situation was sufficiently unusual that I cannot give too many details or I would give my identity away to anyone who knew me at that time who happened to be on this site. However, in summary, my sister-in-law was a national of a third world country (I'm in a mixed-race marriage - with the complications that that brings!) and I was asked by my wife to go to help her with something. At first, I was reluctant, even though I had met SIL before and liked her, because in the situation (wife's affairs) I did not feel like making the level of commitment that was called for. However, I decided to, because you can't be one-foot-in and one-foot-out with a relationship. I stayed with her through my visits (I had to go a few times) and wife knew I would be staying with her in very basic one-room accommodation. It would be inappropriate, I felt, for me to say to her that her accommodation was not adequate for me and stay in a hotel while she lived in near-poverty. Also, I think, my wife thought I might be tempted to stray if I stayed somewhere where her sister was not around to keep an eye on me! With hindsight, I am actually surprised that it took as long as it did for something to happen - it was about halfway through my final visit that we first had sex.

[Davey L]

The bolded and underlined part is what I disagree with the most, that's WS talk.

 

Would your wife agree or disagree do you think?

 

I admit it is arrogant thinking on my part, to make that decision for her. It is extremely difficult for me to look at it objectively, of course, without allowing my own desire for concealment to cloud my judgement, but I have tried to do so.

 

Obviously, I cannot ask her if she would want to be told, before deciding whether to tell, as the mere enquiry on my part would be tantamount to telling her.

 

All I can do, is to try to think objectively, knowing my wife and how she thinks, and try to make that judgement. If I thought she would want to know, all these years on, and to deal with all that resulted, and if I thought that would make her happier in the long run, then I would.

[BHsigh]

I admit it is arrogant thinking on my part, to make that decision for her. It is extremely difficult for me to look at it objectively, of course, without allowing my own desire for concealment to cloud my judgement, but I have tried to do so.

 

Obviously, I cannot ask her if she would want to be told, before deciding whether to tell, as the mere enquiry on my part would be tantamount to telling her.

 

All I can do, is to try to think objectively, knowing my wife and how she thinks, and try to make that judgement. If I thought she would want to know, all these years on, and to deal with all that resulted, and if I thought that would make her happier in the long run, then I would.

 

Whatever you can live with, I understand that your situation is fairly unique in what I have come across, 16 years is a long time ago, but should she find out on her own, it won't change the outcome either way.

 

I know some people push for non-disclosure, and others push for disclosure, for various reasons. And both sides have good reasons, maybe the BS would want to know or maybe the BS wouldn't want to know, so you can possibly make a mistake with either decision.

 

For me it all boils down to this, I would rather make a mistake with honesty than to make a mistake with dishonesty.

Edited April 25, 2014 by BHsigh

[Davey L]

I have said that I would not tell my wife of my own affair with her sister. However, thinking about it, and having read through the advice here again, this is perhaps a bit simplistic. There are some situations in which I might or would tell.

 

1. At the moment we are both holding out on each other. She hasn't told me the truth about her affairs and I haven't told her about my own. If she were to voluntarily come clean herself, which conceivably she might out of a need for forgiveness, or making a new start, then I would likewise tell her. If she were not to tell me, then I would feel under no obligation to do likewise. I'm actually a little tempted to try to gently nudge her towards confession herself and see if we can gently let the truth out. This would have to be done extremely carefully.

 

2. If she asked me, depending on how it was done. For example, if she initiated a lets-both-be-open session as part of trying to start afresh, and said she would like to know if I had had an affair, and I was convinced that she really meant that she would like to know. Again, I would have to be extremely careful.

 

There seems to be majority on this site in favour of disclosure of an affair. However, of those in favour of disclosing, how many were actually told by their spouses in a spirit of wanting forgiveness and a fresh start? I would be extremely interested in the views of wives, whose husbands confessed, and where the confession was intended to try to make a fresh start. This latter caveat to exclude those who told with the intent of causing hurt e.g. during a fight or break-up. I would also be interested in how many of those wives are still with their husbands and happier for knowing.

[BetrayedH]

A couple of quick stats I've seen:

 

1). Over 90% of betrayed women make at least an intial attempt to reconcile with their wayward husband. This number drops by about 10% for betrayed men.

 

2). At the two-year mark, 35% of couples remained together when an affair had been discovered. This number climbs to 70% when the affair was instead voluntarily disclosed.

[Davey L]

A couple of quick stats I've seen:

 

1). Over 90% of betrayed women make at least an intial attempt to reconcile with their wayward husband. This number drops by about 10% for betrayed men.

 

2). At the two-year mark, 35% of couples remained together when an affair had been discovered. This number climbs to 70% when the affair was instead voluntarily disclosed.

 

Thanks - that's useful and informative. At those odds, I'd take the gamble - a better marriage going forwards vs. a 30% chance of it falling apart.

 

I think my plan now is to work on improving our marriage - there's been a bit of an upturn in the last couple of months anyway after we had a discussion about how things were, then after some time very gently try to see how she feels about opening up about the past a bit. If she does, and if I sense that she feels a guilt herself about the past that she feels a need to confess, then maybe, very carefully, I'll see if we can work towards mutual confession, forgiveness and acceptance of the past. I just hope that she won't be intolerably hurt.

 

I do love my wife, very much.

[Spectre]

(Before today)...the

BS

plays NO part in an affair. I'

m

sorry, this is NOT mere opinion, this is a fact. Trying to argue otherwise is like trying to argue that 2+2 does not equal 4. You are NEVER going to be able to successfully argue it,

so

why bother?

 

(Today) This is why cheating is more or less a deal breaker for me. People try to mask the pain by forgiving it

and when they do that it leads them to do all kinds of bad things

. Not necessarily this specific thing,

but it's always a definite possibility

.

 

Well I see your position has softened somewhat (of course the responsibility to cheat still is made by the cheater, but at least you are recognising that the BS (in this case WS/BS) might have done something that lead BS/WS to think he could do it... So things aren't as black and white as you paint them.

 

Well sure, someone might treat their partner in a certain way and cause them to want to cheat, but in the end it is still up to the cheater for how they handle that situation.

 

In fact TELLING will be the most selfish act you could make: putting your own guilt onto others and destroying their good memory of someone who can not defend herself or ask for forgiveness or seek understanding.

 

Put the moral value of not hurting others for your own gain over some vague notion of the absolute value of truth.

 

No I think she is owed the truth. Denying someone that chance..that choice, is selfish in itself.

[bigman1]

Davey, assuming you are correct about your wife withholding information, your solution is for both of you to suffer with guilt as some sort of penance for infidelity? In short, you each deserve to suffer alone in silence so that you can both appear to thrive outwardly to each other? Perhaps that will work. I think at some point, someone is gonna break and then all hell is gonna break loose.

 

I fully understand your position regarding her deceased sister. That is a heavy thing. It is a double betrayal. Of course, double betrayals happen. I suggest that double betrayal, even by a deceased sister, is not sufficient reason to withhold information.

 

It appears to me that there is really something else at work in deciding not to tell. Mutual guilt does not seem to be enough. Protecting a memory of a supremely disloyal deceased sister is not enough. Saving the marriage does not seem correct because you plan to coexist in individual misery. Perhaps it is that you will give up your status as innocent betrayed husband. Perhaps you will have to endure questions on how you acted and continue to act after finding out about her infidelity. Do you fear being judged by the standards that you set? I'm not saying that sarcastically or as an accusation. Only you know the real reason. Something does not add up. Of course, only you know your situation and honestly, you are in a very precarious position. No matter how you decide, there is gonna be pain, and a lot of it, I think.

 

Thank you for addressing my earlier post. Your response has alleviated my concerns, not that it matters, but thanks. I still advocate honesty. Perhaps you all could do it with a marriage counselor present to help navigate the process. Just a thought.

Edited April 25, 2014 by bigman1
correction.

[Davey L]

Davey, assuming you are correct about your wife withholding information, your solution is for both of you to suffer with guilt as some sort of penance for infidelity? In short, you each deserve to suffer alone in silence so that you can both appear to thrive outwardly to each other? Perhaps that will work. I think at some point, someone is gonna break and then all hell is gonna break loose.

 

I fully understand your position regarding her deceased sister. That is a heavy thing. It is a double betrayal. Of course, double betrayals happen. I suggest that double betrayal, even by a deceased sister, is not sufficient reason to withhold information.

 

It appears to me that there is really something else at work in deciding not to tell. Mutual guilt does not seem to be enough. Protecting a memory of a supremely disloyal deceased sister is not enough. Saving the marriage does not seem correct because you plan to coexist in individual misery. Perhaps it is that you will give up your status as innocent betrayed husband. Perhaps you will have to endure questions on how you acted and continue to act after finding out about her infidelity. Do you fear being judged by the standards that you set? I'm not saying that sarcastically or as an accusation. Only you know the real reason. Something does not add up. Of course, only you know your situation and honestly, you are in a very precarious position. No matter how you decide, there is gonna be pain, and a lot of it, I think.

 

Thank you for addressing my earlier post. Your response has alleviated my concerns, not that it matters, but thanks. I still advocate honesty. Perhaps you all could do it with a marriage counselor present to help navigate the process. Just a thought.

 

Truthfully, I am not 100% sure that my wife is withholding information. I did not catch her in the act with anything. But - she had the one affair she told me about - or at least told me she had sex with the man once. I believe with may 75% certainty that she continued this affair. Further, I believe with 90% certainty that she had another, and with about 80% certainty of a third one. Together, if my maths is right, this adds up to 99.5% certainty she has had other sex she has not told me about. And for sure there is other stuff she has not told me about her relationships with these men.

 

In all honesty I don't really understand my own motivation. As I noted in my most recent post, I think if possible I will try to work towards a mutual opening up. Your suggesting of getting some help here is a good one. One of the problems in discussing stuff at home is that discussions can quickly escalate into destructive arguments. Have people here generally had positive experience in getting such help?

[BetrayedH]

Thanks - that's useful and informative. At those odds, I'd take the gamble - a better marriage going forwards vs. a 30% chance of it falling apart.

 

I think my plan now is to work on improving our marriage - there's been a bit of an upturn in the last couple of months anyway after we had a discussion about how things were, then after some time very gently try to see how she feels about opening up about the past a bit. If she does, and if I sense that she feels a guilt herself about the past that she feels a need to confess, then maybe, very carefully, I'll see if we can work towards mutual confession, forgiveness and acceptance of the past. I just hope that she won't be intolerably hurt.

 

I do love my wife, very much.

 

I think you're moving in a wise direction, Davey. I think the two challenges that you face are the 'double betrayal' that she may feel because your affair was with her sister (I don't have stats on that for you) and the possibility that you make a confession and she still refuses to come clean with you. I don't envy you. Oddly enough, I was in a scenario similar to you. My wife had a long affair and I had a brief one a few months later. I came clean (pretty damn quickly). We were actually recovering OK but she still couldn't be honest (or barely even discuss her own affair) and her continued lies did us in. There's more to it but that's a decent summary. What I see many times is that the affair doesn't necessarily kill the marriage but continued lying afterwards really kills the chances of recovery. It typically happens when the wayward spouse trickles the truth, with each revelation feeling like a new Dday and setting recovery back to zero. People that confess and then share openly have the best odds. It's a tall order but the waywards that 'get it' really do themselves and their BS a big favor.

[BetrayedH]

Here's a thread that might be of some interest.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

[Davey L]

Here's a thread that might be of some interest.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

 

Thanks. Actually I have been reading through your threads here in the search for further insights.

 

I've got a few days (wife out of town, and no, I don't have any suspicions, haven't had any for quite a few years now) and using the quiet time as an opportunity to straighten myself out a bit over this whole issue.