Found Fiancee's Journal - Sort of on Accident, but Glad I Did

[billybadass36]

Okay, so I've been in the process of moving into my fiancee's house, and I have a lot of paperwork and stuff to bring with me, so I emptied out a file cabinet that I have and I was going to commandeer the bottom drawer of a file cabinet that my fiancee has. I was in the process of consolidating her stuff into another drawer when I came across a cardboard folder containing a bunch of "please take me back" letters from her exboyfriend to her that spanned about a 6 month period of time before we started dating. I also came across two journals, one spanning 1995 until 2001, and another starting 2001 and ending in May 2003 (about a year before we started dating). There was no discussion of whether this drawer was "off limits" or anything, and she new I had some time yesterday and was planning on moving some more of my stuff in while she was at work. We've pretty much been living together since Labor Day, anyway, so whatever.

 

Anyway, I totally wasn't snooping, but once I found these things, I started reading them. The "please take me back" letters were hilarious. This ex-boyfriend of hers fashioned himself a rock star (still does and he plays in this chatty cover band), and I knew this (went to high school with the guy - he was the dude that couldn't stop hanging out at high school parties after he graduated, and all the high school girls just loved him when he was like 20). Anyway, this guy was a total idiot in these letters, trying to be all poetic and what have you. This guy must have worn out his thesaurus over this 6 month period of time. I had a good chuckle - Yes, I KNOW I shouldn't have read this stuff, but come on, I'm ENGAGED to this woman now, I think a little peek won't kill us.

 

But then, I started reading through her journals, and it's clear that her history with men is fairly chaotic, almost frantic. She always told me that she'd never been dumped, well, that's true. It's just that whenever she got into a LTR, the guy just fizzled out on her and forced her to do the dumping, and her journal makes it painfully obvious that she always clung on to these guys when there was any glimmer of hope of the relationship working out. Sort of unsettling to see how weak she was 5,6, 7 years ago. Very indecisive, and there are long periods of time in her life where she was having relationships with like 2, even 3 guys at once. That concerns me because while she said she's never cheated on anyone, it appears that at least during a period of her life she took a much more casual approach to sex than I would care to know about.

 

Yes, I know that I shouldn't have read it, and I get what I deserve because I obviously wasn't supposed to read this stuff, and I obviously wasn't the intended audience (although I always try to figure out who the intended audience is....I think Journals are kept because somewhere deep down, the keeper of the journal knows that there's a chance that someone will come along and peek into this person's deepest thoughts...etc.), but I have a lot clearer idea of where it is this woman that I love has been, and what has caused her to be the woman I have fallen in love with.

 

I understand a lot of the things she went through, a lot of the growing pains and journey of self-discovery that all of us go through. If I kept a journal, my past would include such a whirlwind of drunken assinine debauches, including nameless, faceless random women that I'd be too embarrassed to even keep that around in written form (too scared to have anyone realize how big a whore I was in my youth). I know I can never tell her I read her journal. I know she still sees this guy she spent 5 years of her life trying to convince to love her (they've been broken up for 3 years, and this guy now has a long-term gf with a little boy, and my fiancee cuts his hair still). He's moved on, and I'm pretty sure my fiancee has moved on as well.

 

It just seems strange to read about how my fiance felt so deeply about someone that's not me. It's strange to me because I can honestly say that I've never felt that way about anyone until I met my fiancee. I had girlfriends, sure, but I was always going somewhere else in my life...never ready, willing, and able to settle down. Now, for one reason or another I'm with the woman of my dreams, and I just feel like I'm at the tail end of a long line of other guys, most of whom she wished each had asked her to marry him. No fewer than 3 guys did she note that she wished would ask her to marry him at various points in her life. On one hand, I feel fortunate that none of these guys did. I feel fortunate that for one reason or another we are together today. We seem to have a great chemistry and same direction and wants and goals in life.

 

One thing that sort of raised my eyebrows was that she compared these two guys sexually. That made my stomach ache, but I know I deserve it for prying into her personal journal. I know a lot of people are going to say I violated her space. I say, Yes. I agree that I invaded a personal space for her, but I really think it's no big deal. I moved the journals along with the old love letters to the new drawer, and when I talk with her later today about it, I'm going to tell her that I found that stuff, sort of glanced at it, but that it's no big deal. I used to flip out about seeing mementos and other crap from exes around the house, but hell, I'm engaged to this woman now, and I've come to grips with the fact that we each have a history. Not all of which is anything to be proud of. I love her more than anything, and after discovering exactly how HUMAN she is, I feel a lot closer to her now than before. Doubts are erased and questions are answered. I realize I'm not the only man she's loved throughout her life, but I am the only one that she wants to be with right now, and for the rest of our lives. That makes me feel good to know.

 

One question I have is that there's no journal entries from the time we began seeing each other to the present. No, "I got engaged" or "I'm seeing this really cool guy, billybadass", or anything. Strange? I dunno. There's entries about all her other "adult" relationships in there, but nothing about me. The theme in her journal is always about how crappy her life is and how crappy her relationships are, so maybe I should be glad I wasn't one of the themed characters. Who knows. Yeah, I shouldn't have read her journals, but I did, and I think it was a good thing. Shame on me, I know. Hell, she read my yearbooks, and there were about a dozen references to women wanting to do me all over that thing, so I guess we're even.

[tattoomytoe]

maybe she is so comfortable in your relationship, she does not need to journal.

 

on the sexual comparison, i think a lot of girls do that.... i have a list of all the men i have slept with.....but my curret bf did not make that list until he screwed me over.

i would have never put him on my "lay list" had our feeling remained unchanged.

 

positively though, at least you kinda know what goes through her head, what she thinks. that can help with how you communicate.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by billybadass36

It just seems strange to read about how my fiance felt so deeply about someone that's not me.

 

So then why did you read her journals from before she met you?

 

 

I'd understand more if this was a *current* journal because insecurity and curiosity can get the best of us. But these are her journals pre-billybadass, so what did you expect to find???? You knew she had these previous relationships, so why torture yourself with the details?

 

I'm not trying to offend you, but if I were her I'd be pissed. She shouldn't have to say "there are journals in the filing cabinet that are off limits- don't read." That is an unspoken rule- you don't just go through and start reading people's stuff.

[Merin]

Well, if it makes you feel any better Billy, I only write when the relationship has sucked and I needed to try to get some clarity (if you will) while I can understand that it must have felt odd to read, and in some ways "see" your fiancee' in a "different light" you are right, that life experience good or bad is what makes us all who we are today.

 

Another thing I will say is this.. while again I'm certain it had to feel odd to you to read of her wish to get married to whomever.. maybe in some ways she was looking for just the "security" that she was/is good enough? See what I'm saying.. just validation I suppose that someone would think she was "enough" to want to spend thier life with her.

 

Don't under-estimate or compare how she feels about you now based on what she wrote during obviously some trying emotional times in her life.

 

It is YOU she chooses to spend her life with.. because obviously she feels YOU are enough...

 

Best Wishes to you

[savethedrama4allama]

Oh, I also wanted to add: I completely stopped scrapbooking when I met my ex-husband. I don't know why, I just did. So don't take it as something good or bad that she quit journaling. She may have just outgrown the need to.

[billybadass36]

"That is an unspoken rule - you son't just go through and start reading other people's stuff."

 

Why not? She's not "other people". She my f-ing fiancee. It's not like I broke into her house and rifled through all her things so I could read her diary. Gimme a break. If she knew I read it, yeah, she'd be pissed. I know that. I acknowledged that I probably shouldn't have read it, but if you tell me that if you came across your fiance's journal while you were moving into his place, that you wouldn't peruse it, then I'm sorry, but I'd have to call you a liar.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by billybadass36

"That is an unspoken rule - you son't just go through and start reading other people's stuff."

 

Why not? She's not "other people". She my f-ing fiancee. It's not like I broke into her house and rifled through all her things so I could read her diary. Gimme a break. If she knew I read it, yeah, she'd be pissed. I know that. I acknowledged that I probably shouldn't have read it, but if you tell me that if you came across your fiance's journal while you were moving into his place, that you wouldn't peruse it, then I'm sorry, but I'd have to call you a liar.

 

 

Yeah, I knew you'd jump on my sh*t for that. Its clear that by your response you did not come looking for advice, you came looking for validation.

[tattoomytoe]

ok Billy~ you picked one accusiatory thing to ask about....and it was regarding YOU, forget that... focus on the other things we said about why she has not written about you!

[billybadass36]

I know, thanks, I'm sorry. But I did go to great lengths to say, "I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE READ IT!". Despite having said that no fewer than 4 times in my post, I get my ear bitten off by a llama. BTW - If you "knew" I'd jump on your $hit for it, why'd you write it? You jumped on my $hit first. I didn't ask for people to say "shame on you". And I'm not looking for validation - I posed no fewer than 3 questions in my post that others very kindly have given me feedback on. If you just want to read other peoples' posts and say "you suck", then have at it. "Tag", you're "it".

[tattoomytoe]

billy~ chill! the llama, as most of us are, is somewhat opinionated and sometimes she spits!

 

deep breaths!

[whichwayisup]

It just seems strange to read about how my fiance felt so deeply about someone that's not me. It's strange to me because I can honestly say that I've never felt that way about anyone until I met my fiancee.

 

This is why you should not have looked. You're right , you get what you ask for...Those are her own private personal thoughts. That was a total invasion of privacy. Not cool and now you're letting her PRIVATE thoughts get to you.

 

One thing that sort of raised my eyebrows was that she compared these two guys sexually. That made my stomach ache, but I know I deserve it for prying into her personal journal.

 

Normal!! Women sometimes DO this and yes we talk about it with our girlfriends as well...Again, invasion of privacy!! NOT for your eyes...

 

Thing is - I'm sure there are thoughts in your head that you would not share with her. Those are personal and belong to just you. Would you like it if she could read your mind? Have you NOT compared women sexaully? Had sexual thoughts at all about ANY other women while with somebody else or your Fiancee? Just curious...I'm sure you have and it's okay as they are your own thoughts.

 

Women tend to write things out just to GET IT OUT...I know sometimes in the past I've written out my thoughts and not looked back...I just think it at the time and it pours out of me.

 

Becareful when you tell her. Expect a big reaction just incase.

 

This is now and you're her present and her future. That is what counts, not the past. Leave it in the past and don't bring up her issues that she wrote about.

 

Good luck though!!

[tanbark813]

Billy, man, not to be accusatory or anything, but the feeling I get from your posts and replies is that you're probably a pretty stand-up guy. You're most likely responsible, intelligent, and stable, but you have a slight insecurity about what these other exes had that you might lack. It sounds like you might be worried that your relationship with your fiancee isn't as romantic as she made it sound like hers was with these other guys. I dunno, that's just my little psych 101 theory.

 

As for the other stuff, I'm with Merin. I tend to write much more when I'm upset or angry than I do when everything is cool. I also don't think people write in journals just to have someone else run into them. That's ridiculous. Personally, I write in mine for a few reasons. It helps me organize my thoughts, it's a stress reliever, and I can go and look back on entries from years ago and see how similarly or differently I thought at the time, and if I have grown at all since then.

 

Besides, you found journals from before you guys started dating. You don't know that she didn't start a fresh journal when she met you that she has hidden somewhere else. If she was actively writing in a journal about YOU, why hide it in YOUR filing cabinet? lol..

 

Anyway, the only thing about your post I would be concerned about is that she was with multiple people at once but said she never cheated on anyone. That sounds pretty shady. But everything else I think is negligible.

[billybadass36]

Well, I guess the concensus is that I'm a bad person for having invaded her privacy. Okay, I can deal with that, but I don't regret it. I have a much better understanding of who this person is and where she came from now, and I can honestly say that this insight will improve our relationship. Some will disagree, but that's okay. I think it's punishment enough for me having read some of the things that were in there. Thank you for your constructive insight.

[whichwayisup]

You're not a bad person!!! Just had a mini blonde moment and should not have invaded something that was not meant for your eyes. It happened, but it's not like you ripped it up or flushed it down the can!! Now that would have been even MORE wrong!

 

Good to see that you're gonna put a positive spin on this and focus it into your relationship!

[billybadass36]

Tanbark, thanks for the reply. I was hoping you'd respond to this, and yes, I agree, I have some insecurity issues, but I really think this little eye-opener has assuaged them nearly completely. I just need to start believing her when she tells me how much she loves me and how she'd never hurt me, etc. She's a good ship, that one.

[savethedrama4allama]

I'm not calling you a bad person, just saying that you sorta got what you asked for. I mean, it was her stuff from before she knew you, so what did you expect?

 

By the way, please don't presume to know what I'd do if I found my fiance's journal.

 

I'm a lover, not a biter.

[FolderWife]

While it's wrong, I loooooooove to be nosey

 

Come one, people, you speed, you cuss, you look at (wo)men besides your SO, so yeah, we all do things that aren't right, so none of us can throw anything at billy for being nosey. I'd love it if my hubby had a journal that I could snoop through

 

Billy, I just wanted to mention that maybe she has a seperate journal full of you....maybe it's hidden where you don't know about.

[imokurnot]

"BBDASS doesn't respect privacy or my personal space. Therefore the rest of this will be written with a special ink. It will only be visible when you look at the pages through a ....."

 

and that was it. I couldn't read the rest?????

[Elmo]

Originally posted by billybadass36

"That is an unspoken rule - you son't just go through and start reading other people's stuff."

 

Why not? She's not "other people". She my f-ing fiancee. It's not like I broke into her house and rifled through all her things so I could read her diary. Gimme a break. If she knew I read it, yeah, she'd be pissed. I know that. I acknowledged that I probably shouldn't have read it, but if you tell me that if you came across your fiance's journal while you were moving into his place, that you wouldn't peruse it, then I'm sorry, but I'd have to call you a liar.

 

 

Snoop Dog...

 

You can't call me a liar, because I've been in a few relationships/lived with/married twice....NEVER would have read a journal that had been filed away.

 

My stepdaughter left her journal around...on the coffee table, in the common bathroom....Yes, that I read. Believe me she wanted us to read it.

 

However, back to your situation...you WERE snooping. Don't get your panties in a bunch because some of us are calling you on it.

 

Now, if you think she is a dip sh*t because she was young and emotional and wrote it down in a form she thought nobody would see... Why don't you confront her about how silly she was. She should know that a major snooper thinks SHE has probs.

 

Just my opinion.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, Billy- I'm going against popular opinion and say that I would have read it too.

 

I know it's wrong and an invasion of privacy but I wouldn't have been able to pass it up, just wouldn't have.

 

I go to my b/f's alot during the week I'm not with my kids. Some of those nights he works his second job. I have a key and a garage remote. I let myself in and do whatever I want until he gets home. I have free reign of the house. One night I'm there looking for a note pad. Come across his notes from his marriage counseling with X wife. Now, seriously- I knew what he told me had happened with them- but you know there are two sides to every story. So, yeah, I read it to see what it said. Pretty much said what he had indicated. It was interesting to read some of the observations he'd made about himself and his marriage. Plus I found out he was telling the truth.

 

The thing is, you can never tell her you read it and you cannot let anything you read make you act differently towards her. That kind of stuff can come back and bite you in the butt. You may learn something you don't want to know.

 

I'm not a snooper by nature. I never read STBXH's e mail, looked at his cell phone or anything. I totally trusted him and I ended up getting hurt. So, in my mind this is a little bit of self preservation on my part.

[billybadass36]

Well, I'm not sweating it too much. In the past few days I've pretty much forgotten that I've found it. I realize I technically violated her privacy. I know that. I knew it when I read it. I never came here to try to get anyone to validate what I did. What I learned from this, however, was that a lot of my stupid angst about her and her past was put to rest. That, I think, has made me feel better about "us". I understand her a lot more than I would have otherwise. Anyway, thanks for your responses. I've not told her I found the journal, and I'm not really hiding the fact that I "rearranged" that drawer either. Anyway, that's all. I now have to go move my dresser into her bedroom so I can pick up all my clothes and other $hit that's been polluting her floor for these past months.

 

How about this question: Is reading this journal worse than cheating on her? Some people that come here actually engage in extra-relationship affairs and they receive varying responses ranging from chastization to actual encouragement. Women, by and large, are never held responsible for cheating....or for snooping. It's always because they were "pushed to cheat by the scumbag guy they were with" or they were "snooping to make sure the scumbag guy wasn't cheating or otherwise being a jackass". Now, a male in the same situation generally gets lambasted because "he's a cheating scumbag" or "he's a violator of personal space". Interesting double standard that I have noticed, subjectively, from this and other boards.

[Mz. Pixie]

To me, cheating is the worst. Now, in saying that, please let me say that I'm saying that even though I was guilty of cheating on my STBXH.

 

There were lots of factors that contributed to me having the fling. I wouldn't say it was an affair. That being said, I was the one who made the choice to do it, no one forced me, and I have to accept responsibility for it. Sure, some of the things my STBXH did (like being out of town 40 out of 52 weekends a year) made me feel like cheating but ultimately I am the one who decided to step outside the marriage.

 

People can be so judgemental about things that they are not familiar with. I've experienced this in my life. People that I know that knew me pre-separation have a hard time dealing- they thought I had the perfect marriage. Don't understand why I couldn't give my H a 15th or 20th chance. What I say is that no one knows what they will do until they are in that situation.

 

When you say, "I would never do that" you can't really mean it, because the circumstances may change and you may be in the position where you do it. I never thought 6-8 months ago I would ever have a fling. Sure, I knew I wanted to separate but cheat?? Not me. You'd be surprised what you will do when you get lonely enough. Not an excuse, just the facts.

 

I'm like you- reading the therapy notes made me feel better about him and what he has said to me about his marriage. I will never tell him I read them either. It was just something I felt like I had to do. She may not even care that you read it anyway.

 

Reading the journal does not compare to infidelity. Infidelity can destroy lives and families.