tma Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) I have never been in a LDR before, and I was looking for some advice from the people who are/have been in these situations before... I started talking to this guy that I had met 3 years ago, this January. We randomly started texting after all that time, then talked on the phone one day for 3 hours straight, and I was kind of hooked from there. Things went really well and we started talking every day and basically acting like we were dating. I made plans to visit him a month later, for a week, and stayed with him the whole time. Things went really well and we had so much fun together. He was so attentive and affectionate and would tell me how much he liked me. I got to meet all his friends and we both agreed we wouldn't see other people at the end of the visit and that we would seeing where things went. Basically after that visit he wasn't acting as into me, and I felt like I was making more of the effort. Whenever I told him that I missed him, he didn't say that he missed me back. A couple weeks later, we made plans for him to visit me (his hometown is actually where I live. So friends and family are here for him as well). It was me that suggested him coming here, and I said that I would help him for the flight, because we agreed that we would do that so it wasn't so much at once when we visit back and forth. Between the time I visited him and before he visited me, we talked on the phone and facetimed a lot, but it was usually me initiating it. He basically never told me he was looking forward to seeing me until a few days before he actually got here, which really bothered me as well. When I brought that up to him, he just said that he was really distracted with his money situation and blah blah. Excuses.... When he came here, things were amazing once again. We had such a good time together and was completely acting like my boyfriend. We went out with his parents 3 times and his parents loved me and were so happy that he brought me home. Did the couples thing and told all his friends how amazing I was etc. On the second last day he was here, when we had been drinking, I brought up that we should make things more serious and actually introduce each other as bf/gf since everyone just basically assumed we were anyways. He said okay to that. The next day I bring it up again just to make sure it wasn't just the booze talking with us, and he said that he was still okay with that and everything. And I asked how he felt about the long distance, and he said that it was kind of discouraging, but he really likes hanging out with me and doesn't want to focus on the negative side to it and just wants to have fun and focus on the positive. He said that he didn't want to talk so seriously about everything because things were still early, and blah blah. That his last 2 gfs hurt him because they stopped liking him out of no where it seemed, and it's made him guarded about things and that I need to be a bit patient with him. He leaves the next day on a good note and I think things will be good, but it goes back to the same way it was after I visited him. A few days later (yesterday), during texting, I ask him if he thinks that me coming down next month or so would work for him. He replies with "Possible. But it is my busy time, so it's more risky because I won't be able to say no to certain jobs(hes freelance)." So I say, "Well isn't it like that all summer kind of?" He says, "Could be." and then kinda changes the subject to something else. So I say "Well I would rather risk it than not see you at all. If need be, I could visit other friends and what not. It sucks not seeing you". He says "K. We'll talk about it later. I'm going to sleep. Have a good night :)" Then I never heard from him again until 10:30pm the next day when he texts me a compliment, I say thanks, and he says you're welcome. And that's it. Am I expecting too much from this guy? Is it too soon to be talking so seriously? I feel like he should be wanting to see his gf as much as possible if he was actually as into me as he has led me to believe. Why come down here and have me meet your parents and become more attached to him if he isn't even serious? It makes no sense and I am getting so fed up with everything and am ready to just call it. He is 35 and I'm 27...I think we're a little too old to be playing these kind of games. It is so upsetting to me and bothers me constantly because I am really into this guy and when we are together, you'd never think that things would be like this. Is he just playing me? I don't get it.... Edited April 23, 2014 by tma Needed to Add more info
Author tma Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 I guess I should add that we live about a 21 hour drive away, in the same country. 2 hour plane ride, and that he knows I am willing to move there eventually because it makes the most sense for me.
TAV Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Maybe he did the same thing to his other 2 gf's and they got fed up as well? Maybe he does not realise he is doing it? I'm sure you don't want to come across needy but try to explain to him how he makes you feel with his aloof behaviour. Give him a chance to learn. If he doesn't you can still say goodbye. 1
Author tma Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 Maybe he did the same thing to his other 2 gf's and they got fed up as well? Maybe he does not realise he is doing it? I'm sure you don't want to come across needy but try to explain to him how he makes you feel with his aloof behaviour. Give him a chance to learn. If he doesn't you can still say goodbye. That is very possible that he was like that with them as well. He hasn't really told me much about those, as he doesn't really like to talk about that kind of stuff. I figured I would give him a few days to see if he brings up me coming to visit after our last talk, and it he doesn't, I'll have to say something from there. I understand everyone has their own opinion on how much they should communicate in a LDR, but I feel that he should at least say that he wants to see me or jump on the idea to make plans. Just leaves me feeling like he is kind of full of it you know? But you are right, he could just not realize it and I do have the option of walking away from it if he can't give me what I need. Just hate feeling like I've wasted all this time... 1
TAV Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Could also the lack of funds to travel be more of an issue to him than you? Male pride and all that? Maybe it takes away his enthusiasm for the visits?
Author tma Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 Could also the lack of funds to travel be more of an issue to him than you? Male pride and all that? Maybe it takes away his enthusiasm for the visits? I know that he has been short on cash lately because of some certain things, and I would guess that has something to do with it. But it shouldn't be so hard to say that you would like to see your girlfriend or that you miss them . I know girls tend to over think and analyze things and he may not have any idea that this is upsetting to me. It's just hard to deal with someone being so different in person than when you are away from them. Are you in an LDR yourself?
TAV Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Yes, I am. My bf tells me he loves me and misses me all the time but we had our own issues with lack of funds and pride. We both have kids to support and are both on average incomes. He does not like it when the balance tips my way but I've told him it won't work if we put pride first. I do try to take his feelings into account and so I refrained from splashing out on big Christmas presents for him for example because I knew he had to spend his extra cash on his young kids mostly and I did not want to make him feel bad.
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