iPhone Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I have been dating this girl a little over a month. Everything has been going strong. However, we only get to see each other on Friday, Saturday and Sunday every week. The rest of the days, I feel like I am drowning in anxiety. I feel like we are going to lose the connection, and I over analyze EVERYTHING in texts. Like for example, tonight, she was studying and falling asleep and said "Goodnight :)" when I sent her a goodnight text. However, mine was a little bit longer of a text in regards to how she will do well on the test tomorrow and stuff. And she always uses a kissy face to say goodnight, but tonight she didn't. That is driving me insane. I feel like she's pulling away. I am losing my mind. Logically I know I am way out of line, and I don't let her see this anxiety and fear, but it is killing me. I don't wanna lose her, so this is a constant concern. Is it crazy to feel like she's pulling away? Earlier we talked about our plans for Friday and such, she said it sounds perfect, but I don't know why she wouldn't say goodnight with a kissy face. Good God, repeating this makes me feel even crazier when I actually see it. I am this way because of about two ex's who abandoned me out of the blue when I felt completely secure. Now I don't know how to feel...
FitChick Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Why don't you call her at least every other night for a brief chat. You will be able to tell more by the sound of her voice. Texting is for idiots. She is giving you her prime dating time -- the weekend -- so relax. You want to be a pleasant diversion for her and not another chore she needs to do. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Abandonment causes major issues........you have to try and do something to take your mind off it...read poetry find funny quotes make noodle baskets even, listen to music that makes you feel good take a walk until the feelings subside....the serenity prayer....."this too shall come to pass".......there is logic to the way you feel because it can be conditioning thoughts(from experience) to fear loss.......get abandoned enough times and it becomes consuming.The only solution is to recognise you have the feelings for a reason and it has nothing to do with the relationship you are in.......its past ....so make a noodle basket(they are delicious), remember the good talks you have had that day with your partner, and from me to you,I wish you well....deb 1
KatZee Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Unfortunately, it's going to be your anxiety and overthinking that causes the relationship to end... not because she's ACTUALLY pulling away. You need to seriously relax. You see her every weekend, all weekend long. And you've only been dating 30 days. Take a step back. In all honesty, I think you're going overboard on how much you see her and over time this comes off as extremely needy, clingy, and smothering. Also, get off the text messaging. If you have to talk to her, or say goodnight, or whatever, CALL HER. I'm so sick of this text nonsense, it's the only way people seem to know how to "communicate" these days and it's always the downfall of everything. You're really going to over analyze a smile face over a kiss face emoticon?!?!?!?? I'm sure reading your thread back you think you're insane. Take a breath. Go get some hobbies. Go out with your friends. Girls are attracted to guys who have lives, who are confident, and who essentially don't act like you're acting. She's eventually going to pick up on your insecurity, trust me, you can't hide behavior like this... and that's what's going to bite you in the a.ss. 8
David87 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Why don't you call her at least every other night for a brief chat. You will be able to tell more by the sound of her voice. Texting is for idiots. She is giving you her prime dating time -- the weekend -- so relax. You want to be a pleasant diversion for her and not another chore she needs to do. So according to you i'm an idiot because I text more often than I call..... ok . Op stop making scenarios in your head, so what if you loose her, you'll find another girl in no time, your behaviour is way too needy and that repels women. Have more confidence in you and stop caring that much.
TheKook Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 It sounds like you're insecure about her feelings for you. You feel like you have to be reminded rather often that she's interested or else you expect the worst. It's most likely a confidence thing and - if she senses this, you're going to come off as really clingy. I suggest you occupy yourself and stop worrying about it. Because in all honesty, what can you really do? You can't change the level of attention she gives you or how often you see each other, so change what you can. Quit worrying about little things such as text messages. You'll get yourself worked up way too much and it'll just snowball and believe me she's going to see it. You also might want to find someone who can spend more time with you, as it sounds like you really don't prefer the current schedule you have with her. 1
sumathi Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 When you are in love the first thing you should have is trust. You have been dating only for a month and you are behaving like a crazy lover. If you persist in having such feelings you will never have a moment of mental peace. Might be she was tired, might be she was concentrated on her studies. Do not make a big deal out of such things. All you should do is to build up your love in being understanding and in trusting her. Everything else will fall into its place. Good luck for your love to succeed.
Conners Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 She might really like you at the moment but I can gaurentee she will start pulling away if you show this needy clingy behaviour. One of my ex boyfriends started behaving the same way.. had 30 missed calls from him because I left work sick and went home to sleep and he said he thought I was angry at him because I didn't reply for a few hours. (That was such a turn off) He was even the same with the "xo" thing. Sometimes I didn't do it and then I would never hear the end of it.. because apparently it meant I was losing attraction for him. YUCK! I seriously look back on that relationship and can't believe I once found him attractive.. it just sickens me to think I was with him now. Please don't let your relationship end up like that! ^ Also pull back a bit from all the texting. Some girls like a bit of a challenge sometimes.. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 This thread makes me sooooo happy that I have quit dating 2
Kingston100 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I am a high anxiety person as well and often catch myself reading too much into things (not so much the kissy face scenerio, but I will freak out if there is an awkward silence or if he is an a somewhat grumpy mood). I know I am being nuts and irrational but I need a way to express my feelings without making him think I am a crazy person. So I have a "memo pad" on my smartphone that I use to write little messages to myself. Things that I want to say but probably shouldn't say to him. "I think I am falling in love with him", "is it too soon to know that he is the one?". I get to vent it out without having to put it all on him. Bonus points: I now have this little keepsake of the beginning of our relationship which is actually prettty cute when read all at once. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 You are going to push her away by being too clingy. Stop texting. It's the world's worst form of communication. When you find yourself stressing out take a deep breath & say to yourself: she's not them. Just because your other GFs left doesn't mean she will unless you push her out the door with the high stress attitude. Chill.
milanlover Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Only one advice is that, stop this kind of thinking before its too late! Or be honest with her about that but really shouldn't cuz it will scare her away for sure. It's a big turn off to be obsessive and clingy like that. 1
jphcbpa Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 have you worked with a therapist around this? how many R's has she had and how did they end? you need to start filling up your life with passions get your focus off her. alanon is great for this...detach with love.
Babolat Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I have been dating this girl a little over a month. Everything has been going strong. However, we only get to see each other on Friday, Saturday and Sunday every week. The rest of the days, I feel like I am drowning in anxiety. I feel like we are going to lose the connection, and I over analyze EVERYTHING in texts. Like for example, tonight, she was studying and falling asleep and said "Goodnight :)" when I sent her a goodnight text. However, mine was a little bit longer of a text in regards to how she will do well on the test tomorrow and stuff. And she always uses a kissy face to say goodnight, but tonight she didn't. That is driving me insane. I feel like she's pulling away. I am losing my mind. Logically I know I am way out of line, and I don't let her see this anxiety and fear, but it is killing me. I don't wanna lose her, so this is a constant concern. Is it crazy to feel like she's pulling away? Earlier we talked about our plans for Friday and such, she said it sounds perfect, but I don't know why she wouldn't say goodnight with a kissy face. Good God, repeating this makes me feel even crazier when I actually see it. I am this way because of about two ex's who abandoned me out of the blue when I felt completely secure. Now I don't know how to feel... Stop texting and pick up the phone, easy. 1
Babolat Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 So according to you i'm an idiot because I text more often than I call..... ok . Op stop making scenarios in your head, so what if you loose her, you'll find another girl in no time, your behaviour is way too needy and that repels women. Have more confidence in you and stop caring that much. Where did she call YOU an idiot? Geez, I love how things get taking out of context on LS, and, over text too. Which was her point, and mine. I was like you OP with my last GF. Texting A LOT in between seeing each other and I read a lot into her texts. Don't. Use texting as a way to keep in touch, say "Hi", I'm thinking about you, but don't get into long conversations over text. Save those for in person. With the woman I am currently seeing we have already agreed to that and I love it. We saw a lot of "text confusion" early on and agreed to keep the texting simple. And I think your anxiety is a sign of a deeper fear, issue, perhaps of failing or being dumped, abandoment, etc. Perhaps see a therapist about this before you push her away.
Els Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Have you tried talking to a professional about this? It may be a better idea to tackle the root of the problem (potential anxiety disorders, etc), instead of the relationship. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 It could also be an intuitive feeling that she is not into you as much as you are into her. That's OK as she may get more interested in time. When I was having the type of anxiety you describe, it was because something was off. I didn't know what but it was revealed later.
Babolat Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 It could also be an intuitive feeling that she is not into you as much as you are into her. That's OK as she may get more interested in time. When I was having the type of anxiety you describe, it was because something was off. I didn't know what but it was revealed later. Good point, anxiety can be our gut teling us something is wrong. Or, maybe in the OPs case, creating things in your head that just aren't there, that feel wrong. OP, you may also be putting too much of your self worth into her, the relationship. To one of the replies that talked about getting/staying busy, I agree. 1
MissBee Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) I can relate to your fear of abandonment. Lots of people are plagued with this where they have anxiety about their relationship and are always looking for signs the person is pulling away or going to abandon them and they need constant reassurance, over analyze everything, worry about the person's feelings for them and become very clingy. However, the bad part is this fear of abandonment and rejection causes behaviors that sometimes lead to that very thing. But I can relate to it and have experienced it myself and it takes 1)understanding this issue (read up on it!) and 2)accepting this is a concern for you and find ways to calm yourself down and think rationally without pushing your partner away. What has helped me is: When I begin to feel anxious, I think about all the times I've felt anxious and where what I was anxious about was me overreacting and figure this time is the same. I would also write down my feelings and talk myself through how I was feeling and why and actually write out why it was silly. Getting out of my head and the swirl of irrational thoughts helped me to feel a lot calmer. Go to sleep. Yes. Sometimes when the anxiety kicks in and you're driving yourself mad...I have worked myself into catastrophic thinking and crying over purely IMAGINED scenarios with little evidence...like if my bf didn't pick up my calls overnight I'd assume he was dead in a ditch or some other horrible thing rather than more benign and likely options like he fell asleep. It is crazy and like you I would know it's crazy but nevertheless would work myself up because of that deep fear of abandonment. However, I found that if you can't do anything about it and all you're doing is worrying, going to sleep will put you out of your misery and you will have some down time to not think about it. The next morning hopefully you will get a call back or you'll be in a different mindset. Likewise doing some other activity, leaving your phone behind and going out with friends or to the gym or watch a show, something to take your mind off frantic thoughts. It's a real problem but you can take steps to manage these anxieties. Taking a step back to breathe and think about other more likely and logical possibilities is one, reading about this anxiety and tools to manage it helps, realizing clinging and freaking out won't stop anything but just make it worse or result in what you fear and realize space is not a bad thing and all relationships have ebbs and flows. Don't worry you're being broken up with until you are being broken up with or until it is blatantly obvious (not sending a kissy face in a text is not an obvious sign of anything). You won't die if your relationship ends, but the anxiety makes you sooo fearful like it will be the worst thing. Realizing that relationships end and we can and do move on helps me to not be soooo fearful about possible abandonment, as I know I will be alright and I am not actually "abandoned" as I still have friends, family, other things even if I no longer have a romantic partner. Edited April 23, 2014 by MissBee 1
Author iPhone Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 Thank you all. Today is no better. She hates the phone and doesn't get a strong signal where she lives, so we have to resort to texting most of the time.. She hasn't answered me yet today. I am telling myself it's because she has had to retake 4 tests this morning, but still, I text her at 1020 just to simply say hey honey, good morning. She normally would have replied plenty of times by now. I'm starting to see my anxiety is reality.She should have popped up by now.
Babolat Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I'm not sure what timezone you are in, it's 1:20PM where I am and that is only 3 hours. So, what is this reality you speak of? She, is busy? And, you are not? I'm not judging, just trying to help you look at this differently. Sounds like you have been staring at your phone since 10:20, when you sent your text...don't. Get busy. IF you need an immedaite reply, then tell her this. Maybe she is like most people where she likes to give her reply attention, and does so when she can. Perhaps YOU need a quick "I got your text, busy right now" acknowledgement. If you do, tell her this. In a not so clingy kind of way. We do not know the dynamics of your relationship, the texting patterns you have established, the comunication you have established, etc. The woman I am seeing texted me at 5PM last night to ask if I wanted to meet up with her with a "no worries if you can't". I texted her back around 5:20 when I saw the text "Yes" with a suggestion on what to do. I did not hear from her again until 6:40ish and I had a little anxiety. But, I assumed she was busy. Turns out she was, she was at her daughters sports event game. She texted me then inviting me over for dinner. Be patient, give her space. Before hitting "Send" ask yourself if you want to deal with the anxiety of waiting for a reply, and then, maybe not hit Send.
atlg8r Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I used to be this way when dating. I latched on to every person I had an even remotely good date with, and then was super anxious and over-analyzing every single thing. My first advice is to try and learn about yourself - why does your life revolve so much around this other person? I was unhappy with my own life, and so I felt like a good relationship or a good man was going to complete me. I didn't know who I was without a man in my life, even if he was not so good to me. After staying with someone for 7 years who was awful and brought out the worst in me, I ended it and came to grips with the fact that a relationship did not make my life. I had to find things I loved doing and take care of myself first. That way, when the right person came along, I wouldn't smother them or be so anxious about losing them that I'd make us both miserable. It does not sound to me like she's doing anything strange, so you need to look to yourself to figure this out! You have to come to terms with the fact that you will be okay whether you keep dating this girl or not. Learn to love YOUR life so that you can be a positive addition to hers! 2
Author iPhone Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 She popped up, apologized about all the tests. I'm glad this happened, because it showed me how serious of a problem I really have. I wish I could see a therapist or counselor but my health insurance doesn't cover it.. I really need to fix this. I'm good at realizing I'm acting a certain way before I do it, and then countering it. Like I will joke with her and tease her instead of being clingy when I feel the clingy feeling coming over me. But the key is to stop feeling that way in my head in the first place before I destroy myself and our relationship 2
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 If she had to not just take but RE-Take 4 tests, no wonder she hasn't been instantly at your disposal. Her brain is fried. Give the girl a break. If I was dating a guy & he was all insecure while I was taking tests -- a huge priority from an educational perspective -- I wouldn't put up with that for long. Try applying logic to your situation instead of freaking out & making yourself crazy. You are going to push her & every other woman you try to date away.
J21 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 You really need to calm down. You're gonna suffocate your relationship and will have no one to blame 1
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