Lvsdogs Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I'm the one who was betrayed, and he dumped me. I don't even know how to feel. We were trying to work things out even though everyone and my heart was saying leave. I'm actually slightly relieved. And also very afraid. I know he was never going to change. I know there were more secrets. He stopped going to therapy even though this was one of the stipulations for us to continue. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I had been the one to break it off. I have to confess something. When I was blindsided by his secret life, I did something terrible. I threw it up on Facebook. I humiliated him at his work bc some co-workers saw it. I also blurted out family secrets to his face about his late wife and daughter that were told to me in confidence by another family member. I am not proud of what I did. At the moment everything crashed down, I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me. I knew these secrets would devastate him. I took the knife out of my heart and plunged it in his. He could not get over me doing this and promptly ended it on Easter Sunday after getting in an argument about it. We were three weeks away from our "rekindling" Cancun vacation, which has now been cancelled. He said in the beginning, when we tried to work it out, that he could never forgive me for what I did just as I could probably not forgive him, but that he would learn to move past it. After all, he said, it never would have happened if he hadn't done what he did. I feel very alone even though we are three hours apart and was pretty much alone anyway. We visited once a month for three days. He could barely find time to call me in the last two months, and I was always mad about that. He barely texted me, but he was always on Facebook or doing whatever on the computer. I was not a priority. I believe I never was. I'm not sure why it feels so scary now that he's gone forever. I was on my own since August. Nothing is different except I don't make a 200-mile trip every other month and I don't text or talk here and there. Why am I so scared then? Why am I still crying? He was never going to change. He was so completely messed up with his drinking and his depression among other things. I couldn't save him and I really wanted to. Even after what he did. And he just threw me away. His change in personality changed two years ago. I don't miss who he became. I desperately miss the man I knew for four years before that. That's who I miss. I wanted him to get better and get back to the man I loved who would never hurt me. It's that man I miss and want. And I can never have him. He's gone forever. It's been a rough day.
Spectre Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Your post does not even really say what happened. How did he betray you? Did he cheat on you? Was it physical? Emotional? You messed up by airing your dirty laundry on Facebook, though I can see why you would be upset if you were cheated on. From what little facts you gave, I guess I would say you both had reasons to leave.
Realist3 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I have to confess something. When I was blindsided by his secret life, I did something terrible. I threw it up on Facebook. I humiliated him at his work bc some co-workers saw it. I also blurted out family secrets to his face about his late wife and daughter that were told to me in confidence by another family member. I am not proud of what I did. At the moment everything crashed down, I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me. I knew these secrets would devastate him. I took the knife out of my heart and plunged it in his. He could not get over me doing this and promptly ended it on Easter Sunday after getting in an argument about it. We were three weeks away from our "rekindling" Cancun vacation, which has now been cancelled. He said in the beginning, when we tried to work it out, that he could never forgive me for what I did just as I could probably not forgive him, but that he would learn to move past it. After all, he said, it never would have happened if he hadn't done what he did. Sorry for your rough time. I'm sure it is very difficult. I understand the desire for revenge, but when you put it out there for public consumption you will get just what you got. I would have done the exact same thing he did. It would be done. There would not even be a discussion. It's rather pointless to go back and examine what was going through your mind in thinking that was even remotely a good a idea since you were trying to reconcile. Pouring gasoline on a fire is rarely a good idea. The only positive you can take from it is that it expedited your path to a new journey.
Ladydrib Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I'm the one who was betrayed, and he dumped me. I don't even know how to feel. We were trying to work things out even though everyone and my heart was saying leave. I'm actually slightly relieved. And also very afraid. I know he was never going to change. I know there were more secrets. He stopped going to therapy even though this was one of the stipulations for us to continue. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I had been the one to break it off. I have to confess something. When I was blindsided by his secret life, I did something terrible. I threw it up on Facebook. I humiliated him at his work bc some co-workers saw it. I also blurted out family secrets to his face about his late wife and daughter that were told to me in confidence by another family member. I am not proud of what I did. At the moment everything crashed down, I wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt me. I knew these secrets would devastate him. I took the knife out of my heart and plunged it in his. He could not get over me doing this and promptly ended it on Easter Sunday after getting in an argument about it. We were three weeks away from our "rekindling" Cancun vacation, which has now been cancelled. He said in the beginning, when we tried to work it out, that he could never forgive me for what I did just as I could probably not forgive him, but that he would learn to move past it. After all, he said, it never would have happened if he hadn't done what he did. I feel very alone even though we are three hours apart and was pretty much alone anyway. We visited once a month for three days. He could barely find time to call me in the last two months, and I was always mad about that. He barely texted me, but he was always on Facebook or doing whatever on the computer. I was not a priority. I believe I never was. I'm not sure why it feels so scary now that he's gone forever. I was on my own since August. Nothing is different except I don't make a 200-mile trip every other month and I don't text or talk here and there. Why am I so scared then? Why am I still crying? He was never going to change. He was so completely messed up with his drinking and his depression among other things. I couldn't save him and I really wanted to. Even after what he did. And he just threw me away. His change in personality changed two years ago. I don't miss who he became. I desperately miss the man I knew for four years before that. That's who I miss. I wanted him to get better and get back to the man I loved who would never hurt me. It's that man I miss and want. And I can never have him. He's gone forever. It's been a rough day. Don't let him blame you. It was just an excuse for him to leave so he didn't have to feel guilty. I'm so sorry. Trust me, you deserve better than this. You just can't see it yet. You will be better without someone who didn't give you all that you deserve. 2
Hardgrind Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Lvsdogs, Sorry for the rough time you are going through. Some thoughts to ponder: Forgiveness is necessary for reconciliation. While you and he will never forget what was done to each other, that is not the same as never forgiving. If he stated he could never forgive you, he really could not ever move past it. Ultimately you cannot save him. You could have helped him save himself and improve, but this cannot happen without his cooperation and commitment. You need to look after yourself and find a way to become stronger and happier apart from him. It will take time. The irony is when you have become the improved "you" he will probably come crawling back to you. Be prepared for that and think about how you will respond ahead of time. 3
somedude81 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I'm the one who was betrayed, and he dumped me. I don't even know how to feel. We were trying to work things out even though everyone and my heart was saying leave. Sounds like he did you a favor. He obviously wasn't good for you. Do you think you would have been able to dump him yourself? 1
Author Lvsdogs Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 I knew i would get some heat from some of you about airing dirty laundry. I put that he cheated and was obsessed with a porn star on FB. It was up for 30 minutes until I realized I wasn't thinking straight. But it was up long enough for most people to see. Ironically, that's not even what bothered him the most. He said he could get over that but was embarrassed. It's the family secrets he couldn't get past. I think I posted on here what he did. Here's a quick rundown: He had three EAs. He tried another one with a mutual friend, but she quickly told him he was out of line. He spent 1400 bucks in a private room at a strip joint when I was out of town. He became obsessed with a porn star and send her thousands of dollars in gifts including diamond earrings. He spent thousands of dollars on gifts of money and things to live cam girls, most as young as his daughter. He also went on Match while we were trying to reconcile but said he was just "curious." I know he didn't have a profile but made a user name for Adult friend Finder, Asian Date, and some Russian girl site. There was a lot of porn and porn subscriptions. He is an alcoholic and he was hiding the fact he was 40K in credit card debt. I can see why with how much he was spending on his activities. I honestly don't know if a physical affair happened. The emotional ones were bad enough. Even after I find out, he kept going back to one particular one andeven changed her name on his phone. i guess he thought I was stupid. He was in therapy and was doing really good. Then he had a bad session and wouldn't tell me what happened and never went back. After that, he spiraled out of control with drinking and just being a different person. Nice and great one minute and out of control the next. He only agreed to one couples therapy where we both admitted our wrongdoing, and the session went well. But he said he didn't want to go back. that he just wouldn't do the things he did and there was no reason to go and talk about it over and over again. He would barely talk with me about it. Every time I tried, he would turn it around and blame me for my part. It was a never ending battle. I don't know that I was strong enough to dump him first. He probably did do me a favor. I think of what he did to me every day and feel ill. I knew I wouldn't be able to get over it myself. But I just couldnt leave. I guess I am weak. Thanks for being honest and for your support.
notserene Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 It sounds as if you are better off without this guy. I know...easy to say, right? 1
cozycottagelg Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I agree, it sounds like this is for the best. I'm sorry you are hurting (( ))
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting and I disagree with those that say your actions justify his- I know I did lots of stupid stuff right after dday-granted none of it public but my husband has fully understood that it was his actions that started the chain reaction of crazy in me- that he is responsible for the changes in me-it kills him to know that his once strong balanced wife was totally changed by his actions-I am not giving myself a free pass for anything-just saying that actions have reactions- I agree with the others that in the long run you will be better off-getting through that long run will take lots of work- I wish you all the strength and peace you will need- Best of luck to you! 1
goodyblue Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting and I disagree with those that say your actions justify his- I know I did lots of stupid stuff right after dday-granted none of it public but my husband has fully understood that it was his actions that started the chain reaction of crazy in me- that he is responsible for the changes in me-it kills him to know that his once strong balanced wife was totally changed by his actions-I am not giving myself a free pass for anything-just saying that actions have reactions- I agree with the others that in the long run you will be better off-getting through that long run will take lots of work- I wish you all the strength and peace you will need- Best of luck to you! Yes. The actions of one spouse do cause a reaction in the other. OP I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you find peace. There are better men out there. Have hope.
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 jeez, in the lunacy after DDAY, I probably did a lot worse. Forgive yourself. You cannot save someone who does not want or commit 150% to their own salvation. Blaming you is his convenient excuse to continue all his addictions and it seems he has many. I hope you have separate bank accounts and his debt is not your debt too. Speak to a DIVORCE attorney today to ensure you are not liable for 50, 100k of porn sites and live web cam girls. And RUN as far as you can from this very damaged partner. 1
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