sibling dyamics & generosity

[d0nnivain]

I'm an only child. DH two siblings.

 

 

DH is not the most introspective guy in the world.

 

 

How does it effect the family if 1 sibling is in a financial position to do something BIG for a parent but the others are not? Will the other siblings be resentful? Will the other siblings expect the same level of generosity be applied to them?

 

 

DH's mom needs a new car. Hers is old and unreliable. We have enough money to buy her a descent used car (maybe 1-2 years old; that's what we buy ourselves because the depreciation on a new car is just too great that it isn't good financial sense to buy new IMHO).

 

 

I'm perfectly happy to buy her the car. She's a great MIL & we both want her to be safe.

 

 

What I don't want is for his siblings to see my husband differently. The whole family has money problems & I don't want them to resent him. They already think I'm a spoiled princess. I'm not because I work hard for what I have but they don't see it that way. I also don't want his whole family coming out of the woodwork begging us for money.

 

 

The "problem" is his mom has a big mouth. She won't be able to resist bragging that her younger son did this for her instead of keeping her mouth shut & letting people think she just bought the car herself in the ordinary course.

 

 

Am I borrowing trouble & over thinking this?

[Kingston100]

It is really hard to generalize how siblings would react to something like this. It really depends on the family dynamic.

 

I have two brothers. Currently, we are all doing fairly well financially (and all have no children... so a lot of our income is disposible). However, there was a period where I had quite a bit of student debt, my younger brother was in University and my older brother had a very lucrative career. He definitely had the opportunity to do more financially for our parents.

 

During those years, we often went in on gifts together. My older brother would pay for everything up front, and us youngest two would pay him back in installments. If he had decided to do a big gift on his own though, I don't think either of us would have minded.

 

It doesn't sound like that will be the case for you though.

 

Can I make a suggestion?

 

Why don't you buy YOURSELF a new car and gift your exsisting car to your MIL? That way, she gets a nice reliable car but it doesn't look like you are going out of your way to buy her something... rather you are just giving her your "old/used/unwanted" car which you just happen to have laying around.

 

Win/Win right? She gets the car she needs, but without seeing it as this grand gesture.

[CC12]

Why don't you buy YOURSELF a new car and gift your exsisting car to your MIL? That way, she gets a nice reliable car but it doesn't look like you are going out of your way to buy her something... rather you are just giving her your "old/used/unwanted" car which you just happen to have laying around.

 

I think this is a really great idea. You could even frame it as "We're letting mom use our old car until we sell it" or "until she gets a new car" or whatever.

 

Like Kingston said, it's hard to tell how they'll react. I think reasonable people might possibly feel a little jealous or insecure, but would ultimately not make a stink about it. Are the siblings reasonable people? If they're not, then yeah, it's probably going to create bad feelings, but you can't base major decisions on making sure not to offend people who can't see reason.

[gaius]

On some level they sure as hell will resent you for it. Whether they hide it well or it manifests itself in a more direct form is yet to be seen. But if they already think you're a spoiled princess I'd lean more toward the direct option.

[Emilia]

My sister would really appreciate it if I did something like this for our mother. She would probably even offer to chip in. She would never expect me to buy a car for her.

[d0nnivain]

The car is an analogy. We won't be buying MIL a car. I do appreciate the creativity & diplomacy of Kingston100's suggestion. Even if that was the case, my car is a large SUV because we live in a snowy area & need it. MIL lives in Florida. She doesn't need an SUV & probably couldn't afford to put gas in it.

 

Anyway, I guess my Q is more should we do this very nice thing for MIL & not worry about how DH's family perceives me or should I worry that they will somehow hate him, especially if we don't give them the same financial support we're offering MIL?

 

I'm dealing with his family's perceptions of me. Sometimes it hurts but DH & his parents have always defended me. I just don't want this nice gesture to end up isolating my husband from his extended family.

 

For those of you who have siblings: if your sibling did something extravagent for your parent would you resent that sibling for doing it when you could not or for not giving you the same treatment / cash value? We can't afford to do this for everybody.

[pie2]

For those of you who have siblings: if your sibling did something extravagent for your parent would you resent that sibling for doing it when you could not or for not giving you the same treatment / cash value? We can't afford to do this for everybody.

 

 

Their perception of you shouldn't be the primary motivator, imo. They really shouldn't feel jealous that you're helping someone out, and should NEVER feel resentful that you don't shell out money to them, too. But, I know that's how people can be.

 

 

I loved Kingston's post, and I still think that it would be a good idea to include them in the discussion. Any way that they could help pitch in would make this a team effort, even if they help in non-financial ways (maintenance of the purchase or something).

[d0nnivain]

I still think that it would be a good idea to include them in the discussion. Any way that they could help pitch in would make this a team effort, even if they help in non-financial ways (maintenance of the purchase or something).

 

Ideally this would be wonderful. Unfortnately, it's not practical. The one sibling lives 3,000 miles away. She can't help. The other sibling lives with the mom. Half the reason we have to do what we're thinking of is that he won't get off his a$$ & get a proper job; but instead is mooching off her & bleeding her dry.

 

It's not so much DH's siblings that are talking mean about me but his aunts & cousins on both his mother & father's side. I'm not about to include them in any discussions.

 

For example, DH's one uncle is a contractor. He'd been out of work since 2008. He was facing forclosure. We needed work done on our house in 2010. I offered the job to him at his regular standard rates & offered to let him live here duirng the week while he was working so he didn't have to commute over 1.5 hours each way. All I asked is that he sell us the supplies / material at his costs rather than industry mark-ups but I'd pay transportation to have them delivered. We'd pay his regular fees for labor. He turned down the job saying it was inconvenient. When he lost his house, his sisters (DH's aunts) complained to my MIL that instead of spending the money to fix our house, we should have gifted it to him to save his house. I started ignoring them at that point. My MIL thought my offer of work was more than enough & pronounced her brother to be an idiot for turning down good money.

[pie2]

It's not so much DH's siblings that are talking mean about me but his aunts & cousins on both his mother & father's side. I'm not about to include them in any discussions.

 

 

Sounds very dysfunctional. Sorry you have to go through that.

 

 

So, you're primary concern is about what the family will think of you, and how that will affect H? I would let your husband decide how/if he wants to approach the situation with his family. Has he mentioned that he's worried about creating a rift? Sometimes, husbands don't worry about these things the same way wives do. You said he always defends you, so it seems like he thinks you're in the right.

[xxoo]

I don't understand what it has to do with you from the perspective of his siblings. Isn't this between your h and his sibs? I'd encourage you to stay out if that dynamic, and let him handle it. Of course the giving part is between you and your h, but handling in law response is his responsibility.

 

I have a sibling who can afford to give extravagantly. I don't resent it it all, nor do I expect anything to be given to me.

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand what it has to do with you from the perspective of his siblings. Isn't this between your h and his sibs? I'd encourage you to stay out if that dynamic, and let him handle it. Of course the giving part is between you and your h, but handling in law response is his responsibility.

 

I have a sibling who can afford to give extravagantly. I don't resent it it all, nor do I expect anything to be given to me.

 

 

It's my money. It's from an inheritance. I keep telling DH that it's our money but he insists it's not. He was very touched when I wanted to help his mom. There are safeguards that will be put in place to protect the investment.

 

As much as I love my husband, I know as pie2 pointed out that H's don't think the same ways wives do. In this case, I fear that his unwillingness to think about the possible negative consequences could hurt him later.

 

Then again, that's why my 1st Q in this thread was am I overthinking this?

 

All I want is to do a nice thing but not have him get punished for it.

[gaius]

They probably already hate you and him for your success. I doubt lording that success by helping mom will change that much, or create a brand new dynamic of them seeking the same from you. If that makes you feel any better.

[d0nnivain]

While it would be nicer if they didn't hate me, I simply don't want to make anything worse for DH. Even if they do have issues, helping his mom is the right thing to do.

[VeronicaRoss]

Keeping her safe is an awesome gesture. Let them deal with their envy, which isn't easy but it's part of life.