badkarma2013 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I sincerely appreciate your kind words.. however the lies and betrayal and what was shown to me by the OM,after i outed him to his wife...i fear will will be with me ( in some degree) all of my days.
2sunny Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 H didn't chose this option to fix our marriage. It certainly wasn't a deliberate marriage mending strategy !! The M you had prior has to be declared dead and gone if a new and improved M is to surface. Otherwise it's like a bandaid on a huge gaping wound = it doesn't fix the problem - it just covers it up but doesn't address what's wrong or attempt to change what the cause is. Change is necessary. Rug sweeping just delays the change necessary.
notserene Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Since we are all about the analogies here...I feel like I was in a house that suffered some minor storm damage. Then a tree feel on it. The foundation is still good but we have to fix that big hole in the roof now. 4
turnera Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I often tell people - and get lambasted for it - that you can take infidelity and use it for the wakeup call that it is (or at least can be, depending on the two of you). It's the near-death experience that warns you to now life life to the fullest and don't take anything for granted. 3
fellini Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I don't believe an infidelity defines who you are, merely what you are capable of. I think ,Fellini...he may view you as i do...pls dont take offence ..i feel you are WAY to easy on WS especially WW... I fell you give them way to much credit for being who they are...NOT the lying. deceitful...betraying prople the REALLY are.
badkarma2013 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 In answer to your response...WE ALL are capable of MURDER..But only a very tiny percentage of people act on that impulse....However ....upon reading here and doing further research men and women commit Infidelity at a alarming rate in todays marriages......with a better than 50% divorce rate and and astounding 35-45% of WW in the picture....Fellini you tell ME the story.
badkarma2013 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 If i am an adulterer does not that define me
Red123 Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I think that is playing semantics. Call it a "reset" or a "wake up call" or "starting fresh" it all means exactly what the OP is trying to get at. If the affair did not happen, would the real hard work and shock of fixing the relationship have happened as quickly, rapidly, and with as much real change. Sometimes people aren't willing to wake up from the illusion they think they live in until they get smacked....in the face......with a sledge hammer......that is on fire. And to answer the OP, I have not seen a more efficient way to facilitate real change in someone. Whether it results in reconciliation or divorce. Not to imply the ends justify the means. But there are a lot of people who stay in unhappy, unhealthy relationships where there is no infidelity. I completely agree with this. My H and I were in such a bad place before the A. We were literally just existing and not enjoying each other anymore. Life was so busy and we were refusing to see that we were not making time for our relationship at all. It was all kids, work and everything else. I don't believe anything would have woken us up. I hate this had to be the way but I'm thankful for the change it has brought. The pain is really hard but I'm hoping that will fade and our "reset" will be good. This thread keeps me hopeful (most of it:). Thanks 2
fellini Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 You know my thoughts on this. Saying that it shows what we are all capable of does not mean we all act on our capacities. Who among us can tell us they utilise 100% of their capacities 100% of the time? I have words in my head, they have been there for a long time. Im capable of using them, but I use them a very tiny percentage of the time, because the CONDITIONS for their use are limited. I believe the conditions for which people find themselves stuck in a marriage and thus choose to enter into an affair are more frequent, more varied, and more socially "acceptable" (I didnt say infidelity is acceptable!) than say, the conditions for killing someone. I think, more or less, it would be easier to sleep with a co-worker than to kill my boss. So as not to make this a novel on the human condition, Ill leave it at that. Sometimes when I write, I try to leave the reader to fill in a bunch of the dots. I already know you can do this! In answer to your response...WE ALL are capable of MURDER..But only a very tiny percentage of people act on that impulse....However ....upon reading here and doing further research men and women commit Infidelity at a alarming rate in todays marriages......with a better than 50% divorce rate and and astounding 35-45% of WW in the picture....Fellini you tell ME the story.
jnel921 Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I agree with most of what you said, however where you say you are both responsible for what happened I don't. It was not my fault he chose to dip it and do it with someone else instead of dealing with me and our issues. Screwing another person never resolves anything. I think as a BS the main question is why would you do that to me, us, our family... The WS acted alone in extreme selfishness. Didn't ask me what i wanted or how I felt about that. He only had to deal with the aftermath. I will never hold myself responsible for his actions regardless of whatever he told that witch he was screwing to convince her how terrible I was and justify his infidelity. 1
turnera Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 If i am an adulterer does not that define meIDK, do you CONTINUE to commit adultery, or did you learn from it and grow to become an admirable person who let his mistakes move him to become a better person?
fellini Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 If i am an adulterer does not that define me Probably, because adultery is a sin within the christian religion. Infidelity is the word I use because I dont believe in the bible, any bible for that matter. For me infidelity is a thing that happens, it can pass. And even if you do not learn fro it, but through it, that its not for you, I.e. not about guilt, but about realising its not much fun really, then I dont think that defines you no. If I experiment with and try smoking pot, once, does that make me a "pothead"? And even if I was a pothead during my youth, grow out of that phase, am I still a pothead? For me no. That some people want to define others by their actions, and some actions more than others, does it make it true. I kill someone accidentally, or through stupidty and youth. That defines me as a murderer? Always? And as a sin, it is embedded in the context of sin and redemption, so maybe in the bible, once an adulterer always an adulterer, which means yes, it defines you as long as you remain a believer.
badkarma2013 Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 If I experiment with and try smoking pot, once, does that make me a "pothead"? And even if I was a pothead during my youth, grow out of that phase, am I still a pothead? For me no. I agree..however the incident of someone "smoking pot" DOES NOT CAUSE THE HORRIFIC DEVASTATION OF A BS'S LIFE THAT IN MY CASE MY WW CAUSED. My honest opinion is that My WW will always be prone to that type of behavior from now on ...later after the fallout and we were about to D...i asked HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS WITH THE OM..things that were so vile to you for 22 years....her answer was "it seemed ok at the time.....My response was"NO IT WAS BECAUSE YOU LIKED IT" She cried and walked away... 1
fellini Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I asked my WS the same question, after 11 months, and finally got that truth I sought: she said, "because I enjoyed it." But about defining, I understand where you are coming from, Im in the same boat seeing that my pain has years to go before it subsides. But we know that people can do the smallest tiniest thing, that turns out to have such an impact that it destroys the lives of huge numbers of families. The person who does this, it seems, bears the pain of what a small slip may have caused, but it does not define them as a person. What might define them is the cross they bear and can never themselves recover from. If I experiment with and try smoking pot, once, does that make me a "pothead"? And even if I was a pothead during my youth, grow out of that phase, am I still a pothead? For me no. I agree..however the incident of someone "smoking pot" DOES NOT CAUSE THE HORRIFIC DEVASTATION OF A BS'S LIFE THAT IN MY CASE MY WW CAUSED. My honest opinion is that My WW will always be prone to that type of behavior from now on ...later after the fallout and we were about to D...i asked HOW COULD YOU DO THOSE THINGS WITH THE OM..things that were so vile to you for 22 years....her answer was "it seemed ok at the time.....My response was"NO IT WAS BECAUSE YOU LIKED IT" She cried and walked away... 1
ladydesigner Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I agree with most of what you said, however where you say you are both responsible for what happened I don't. It was not my fault he chose to dip it and do it with someone else instead of dealing with me and our issues. Screwing another person never resolves anything. I think as a BS the main question is why would you do that to me, us, our family... The WS acted alone in extreme selfishness. Didn't ask me what i wanted or how I felt about that. He only had to deal with the aftermath. I will never hold myself responsible for his actions regardless of whatever he told that witch he was screwing to convince her how terrible I was and justify his infidelity. Yep I basically agree with this post! I will never take the blame for fWH's A regardless of what led up to it. Same goes for my revenge A, he does not share that blame I do. I do not believe that both are responsible for why the A happened the WS is solely responsible for why it happened.
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