waterwoman Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) When H had an affair we were in a pretty bad way. I have made no secret of that. I have never pretended all was hearts and flowers. How we got there is a long, long story but that was where we were. At times we both made attempts to fix things, but it doesn’t work that well when you aren’t both trying at the same time. H would say things like ‘We must get away for a night soon’. And I’d agree. But it never happened. I would say ‘We’re OK aren’t we? The kids won’t be with us forever and then we’ll get our chance’ And H would agree. So the awareness was present and the desire to do something was present, but the will and the energy was lacking. H’s affair pressed the reset button. There was a time of utter panic and shock and we are still clearing up the mess, but it is a lot better. Not back to where we were when we were first together, but close to it. We have a better, more stable marriage, where we check up on each other often, defer to each other’s wishes more often, express our needs and feelings. So, good stuff It was a horrible way to achieve this. I can honestly say I have ever been more hurt by anything anyone has done to me before. And I still struggle with feeling it was a slap on the MY wrist for something we were both responsible for. The crazy thing is I don’t know any other way we could have go to this stage. To mix metaphors horribly I was hoping and praying that we could carry on flying along with just one engine until it was time to land. H was navigating with his eyes shut! Knowing the people we are I just don't know that there was a way to have mended things without a crashlanding? Edited April 22, 2014 by waterwoman Edited to make it legible!! 2
fellini Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Interesting POV. Mira Kirschenbaum speaks of two kinds of affairs that this reminds me of: heating up your marriage affair let's kill this relationship and see if it comes back to life affair They are extremely dangerous and difficult to navigate, and although the recover is hard, some people use it to kick start an engine that has been sitting idle for far too long. When H had an affair we were in a pretty bad way. I have made no secret of that. I have never pretended all was hearts and flowers. How we got there is a long, long story but that was where we were. At times we both made attempts to fix things, but it doesn’t work that well when you aren’t both trying at the same time. H would say things like ‘We must get away for a night soon’. And I’d agree. But it never happened. I would say ‘We’re OK aren’t we? The kids won’t be with us forever and then we’ll get our chance’ And H would agree. So the awareness was present and the desire to do something was present, but the will and the energy was lacking. H’s affair pressed the reset button. There was a time of utter panic and shock and we are still clearing up the mess, but it is a lot better. Not back to where we were when we were first together, but close to it. We have a better, more stable marriage, where we check up on each other often, defer to each other’s wishes more often, express our needs and feelings. So, good stuff It was a horrible way to achieve this. I can honestly say I have ever been more hurt by anything anyone has done to me before. And I still struggle with feeling it was a slap on the MY wrist for something we were both responsible for. The crazy thing is I don’t know any other way we could have go to this stage. To mix metaphors horribly I was hoping and praying that we could carry on flying along with just one engine until it was time to land. H was navigating with his eyes shut! Knowing the people we are I just don't know that there was a way to have mended things without a crashlanding?
WasOtherWoman Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I think there is a lot of truth in what you posted regarding an affair. What shakes people up more than that? a life threatening illness perhaps? Really, it is the potential for the loss of your partner that is the turning point, the realization that it almost happened and the determination on the part of each person to prohibit it from happening.
Spectre Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 No offense, but I find this outlook incredibly naive. There is no reset button, not unless you can actually remove these past memories from your brain. Life just plain doesn't work that way, this isn't a video game, you don't just get to hit "reset" if you mess it up. I honestly find it a bit insulting to the person being cheated on to even suggest that.
Author waterwoman Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 No offense, but I find this outlook incredibly naive. There is no reset button, not unless you can actually remove these past memories from your brain. Life just plain doesn't work that way, this isn't a video game, you don't just get to hit "reset" if you mess it up. I honestly find it a bit insulting to the person being cheated on to even suggest that. Well, as I was the person being cheated on I think I am allowed to say it don't you? 5
notserene Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Interesting POV. Mira Kirschenbaum speaks of two kinds of affairs that this reminds me of: heating up your marriage affair let's kill this relationship and see if it comes back to life affair They are extremely dangerous and difficult to navigate, and although the recover is hard, some people use it to kick start an engine that has been sitting idle for far too long. The thing is that you run a serious risk of blowing the engine. 2
WasOtherWoman Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 No offense, but I find this outlook incredibly naive. There is no reset button, not unless you can actually remove these past memories from your brain. Life just plain doesn't work that way, this isn't a video game, you don't just get to hit "reset" if you mess it up. I honestly find it a bit insulting to the person being cheated on to even suggest that. Not sure if this was directed at me? If so, I was a BS many many years ago. Absolutely you cannot remove the past memories from your brain, but, as I am sure you know, they do fade. 1
Author waterwoman Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 H didn't chose this option to fix our marriage. It certainly wasn't a deliberate marriage mending strategy !!
fellini Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Not sure if this was directed at me? If so, I was a BS many many years ago. Absolutely you cannot remove the past memories from your brain, but, as I am sure you know, they do fade. Besides, as a recent BS, the memories are not the same, not after an infidelity. That smile on her face during and after the anniversary dinner a year ago, that i thought was about us, turns out it was him. All those movies i remeber pre d day when i watch them now different. Completely different. Its like when you go out and buy a house, once its done you see houses that you didnt see before. They were there, now you dont remember them the same way.
fellini Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 No offense, but I find this outlook incredibly naive. There is no reset button, not unless you can actually remove these past memories from your brain. Life just plain doesn't work that way, this isn't a video game, you don't just get to hit "reset" if you mess it up. I honestly find it a bit insulting to the person being cheated on to even suggest that. Allow people at least the luxury of using metaphors.
William Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 As an advisory, through no fault of their own, most of the thread starter's postings on our site have been auto-moderated over the years, so some responses are delayed by moderation getting to them and approving them. Our apologies for that. Please continue!
Spectre Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Well, as I was the person being cheated on I think I am allowed to say it don't you? You sure can if you want to avoid the issue, but at the end of the day there is no "reset" button.
ladydesigner Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I understand what you mean by reset, but I wish it didn't have to be reset by way of an A . I know it is a reset to begin a new M. Unfortunately like one poster said the memories of the A and it's aftermath will never go away (my father has confirmed this as he still thinks of my mother's A from 30 years ago) I just hope I don't have triggers 30 years from now. That would be a bummer!
RightThere Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You sure can if you want to avoid the issue, but at the end of the day there is no "reset" button. I think that is playing semantics. Call it a "reset" or a "wake up call" or "starting fresh" it all means exactly what the OP is trying to get at. If the affair did not happen, would the real hard work and shock of fixing the relationship have happened as quickly, rapidly, and with as much real change. Sometimes people aren't willing to wake up from the illusion they think they live in until they get smacked....in the face......with a sledge hammer......that is on fire. And to answer the OP, I have not seen a more efficient way to facilitate real change in someone. Whether it results in reconciliation or divorce. Not to imply the ends justify the means. But there are a lot of people who stay in unhappy, unhealthy relationships where there is no infidelity. 3
bobwhite007 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I understand what you mean by reset, but I wish it didn't have to be reset by way of an A . I know it is a reset to begin a new M. Unfortunately like one poster said the memories of the A and it's aftermath will never go away (my father has confirmed this as he still thinks of my mother's A from 30 years ago) I just hope I don't have triggers 30 years from now. That would be a bummer! I will never be the same. Our relationship will never be the same . I now hide money from her. I look at other women differently now than I used to. I will never trust anyone ever again. Noone.i will never be so naive again. It's a cruel sick world out there. You say why are you still tthere? Cause it's all I got for now. It's everything I've ever worked for. My children are having children. There is no reset. Best I can tell the a is not going on now. She has tried hard to cover it up and sweep it under the rug. I don't bring it up anymore but it's on my mind all the time. I wake up and it's there over a year later. No resetbutton. Don't cheat on your partner it's the most awful thing you can do to a person that loves you with all they have. And if/when you do be brave enough to own up to it and be honest. 1
ladydesigner Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I think that is playing semantics. Call it a "reset" or a "wake up call" or "starting fresh" it all means exactly what the OP is trying to get at. If the affair did not happen, would the real hard work and shock of fixing the relationship have happened as quickly, rapidly, and with as much real change. Sometimes people aren't willing to wake up from the illusion they think they live in until they get smacked....in the face......with a sledge hammer......that is on fire. And to answer the OP, I have not seen a more efficient way to facilitate real change in someone. Whether it results in reconciliation or divorce. Not to imply the ends justify the means. But there are a lot of people who stay in unhappy, unhealthy relationships where there is no infidelity. You can say that again. My fWH's A really woke me up to becoming more self aware and taking better care of myself. I do not focus solely on him as I did pre-A. In fact I would say I came in last with who I thought of in my day, now i am first. That is the most beneficial change from this yet. 1
Tayla Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I try to stay out of affair postings, most are so enraged or spiting. ( and yes i've been there twice in trying to deal) the point is: the op found her way out of a horrid experience. She and her mate are mending fences . Of course things won't be the same. Nor should they. The past antics didnt work! This is though. So i applaud the op. And ignore the nay sayers... They are still snoozing and rewinding the past instead of moving forward with the understanding of what they did survive from. So reset , and release. Life is not meant to hold hostages or ghosts from past deeds. Both need to be willing... 5
Spectre Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I think that is playing semantics. Call it a "reset" or a "wake up call" or "starting fresh" it all means exactly what the OP is trying to get at. If the affair did not happen, would the real hard work and shock of fixing the relationship have happened as quickly, rapidly, and with as much real change. Sometimes people aren't willing to wake up from the illusion they think they live in until they get smacked....in the face......with a sledge hammer......that is on fire. And to answer the OP, I have not seen a more efficient way to facilitate real change in someone. Whether it results in reconciliation or divorce. Not to imply the ends justify the means. But there are a lot of people who stay in unhappy, unhealthy relationships where there is no infidelity. I'm sorry but it just seems silly and childish. The resolution to a problem should never be just pretending like it never happened. That..is never a good thing. You can get a wake up call without pushing "reset" on a relationship. They are NOT the same things. A reset wipes the slate completely clean, but I would hope we as adults would know life just isn't like that. There is no reset. You can have a wake up call, you can have an event in your life that makes you take drastic action, but reset? Nope, it's not happening. Learn from past mistakes instead of merely trying to "reset" them. Some might say it is semantics, but the wording is important with the connotations it implies. It should not be called a reset.
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 OP- yeah for you! I am happy you found your center and some sense of peace. Ignore the nay-sayers-I once posted about "turning a corner" and feeling so much better than I had in months and one person responded with "what do you want a cookie" As a BS we have had people betray us, put us down, try to define us, hide our truth-you name it- but you know what-it does not matter-you have triumphed! Call it whatever you want and relish in this feeling! Cheers to you! 2
fellini Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry but it just seems silly and childish. The resolution to a problem should never be just pretending like it never happened. That..is never a good thing. You can get a wake up call without pushing "reset" on a relationship. They are NOT the same things. A reset wipes the slate completely clean, but I would hope we as adults would know life just isn't like that. There is no reset. You can have a wake up call, you can have an event in your life that makes you take drastic action, but reset? Nope, it's not happening. Learn from past mistakes instead of merely trying to "reset" them. Some might say it is semantics, but the wording is important with the connotations it implies. It should not be called a reset. I think reset is a perfectly good metaphor and I don't understand why you feel compelled to police the way people use their owns tools to communicate. You devote a large portion of your time in LS telling people what they are NOT allowed to think, what they are NOT allowed to say, what reasons they are NOT allowed to use, what arguments are Valid, what the WS must do, what is fact, but you never talk about your personal story in light of an enormous variety of posters. Can you just say something that contributes to the discussion rather than asserting yourself as some kind of semantic policeman? Edited April 23, 2014 by fellini 1
Author waterwoman Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 I think the metaphor or the reset button or control, alt, delete (the three-fingered salute as it's known in this company!) is pretty accurate actually. Because as with rebooting a computer, you have to go back to the start, you just stop the processing, clear the logjam and start again cleanly. The data that existed prior to the problem still exists in the same way as you don't forget the past, but you get a chance to start afresh with more caution and investigate the bugs that caused the failure. We were stuck in a cycle of resentment, misunderstanding and failure. All the little attempts to make it better got nowhere, or not far enough, and we ended up back where we were. If I, as the 'injured party' can finally overlook the betrayal, so that we both get what we want, a new start, why would it bother anyone else? FWIW H and I both now beleive that I was the 'injured party' for far more reasons and for far longer than the affair - he was the over-benefitted spouse by a country mile! However I could sit in a fog of hurt and resentment for the rest of my life saying 'Yes but you did this and that' and while I might feel vindicated, I would be fairly miserable, and so would he. And our children. What a waste of time and life. Have to say though that the fact that he agrees and admits that he was over-benefitted and I was NOT a lazy, selfish or neglectful wife, makes this possible for me. Without his admission, his willingness to admit his faults, without then saying 'But it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ....' etc I don't think I could get past it. Generosity on both parts is required. 5
Popsicle Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 When H had an affair we were in a pretty bad way. I have made no secret of that. I have never pretended all was hearts and flowers. How we got there is a long, long story but that was where we were. At times we both made attempts to fix things, but it doesn’t work that well when you aren’t both trying at the same time. H would say things like ‘We must get away for a night soon’. And I’d agree. But it never happened. I would say ‘We’re OK aren’t we? The kids won’t be with us forever and then we’ll get our chance’ And H would agree. So the awareness was present and the desire to do something was present, but the will and the energy was lacking. H’s affair pressed the reset button. There was a time of utter panic and shock and we are still clearing up the mess, but it is a lot better. Not back to where we were when we were first together, but close to it. We have a better, more stable marriage, where we check up on each other often, defer to each other’s wishes more often, express our needs and feelings. So, good stuff It was a horrible way to achieve this. I can honestly say I have ever been more hurt by anything anyone has done to me before. And I still struggle with feeling it was a slap on the MY wrist for something we were both responsible for. The crazy thing is I don’t know any other way we could have go to this stage. To mix metaphors horribly I was hoping and praying that we could carry on flying along with just one engine until it was time to land. H was navigating with his eyes shut! Knowing the people we are I just don't know that there was a way to have mended things without a crashlanding? Ahhh honesty. Not very common. This I respect and wish you all the best.
badkarma2013 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I think reset is a perfectly good metaphor and I don't understand why you feel compelled to police the way people use their owns tools to communicate. You devote a large portion of your time in LS telling people what they are NOT allowed to think, what they are NOT allowed to say, what reasons they are NOT allowed to use, what arguments are Valid, what the WS must do, what is fact, but you never talk about your personal story in light of an enormous variety of posters. Can you just say something that contributes to the discussion rather than asserting yourself as some kind of semantic policeman? I think ,Fellini...he may view you as i do...pls dont take offence ..i feel you are WAY to easy on WS especially WW... I fell you give them way to much credit for being who they are...NOT the lying. deceitful...betraying prople the REALLY are.
badkarma2013 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness. A more tolerable kind of sadness. I think that sums it up for me....There is no reset button ...never will be..
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I think that sums it up for me....There is no reset button ...never will be.. I hope that if you can not find a reset of your own that you will find some sort of peace and healing- cheers to you!
Recommended Posts