Bishop556 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I don't know if it is strange to have these views, but I believe you should treat your ex with complete respect. Besides the first month of the break up, I have tried to never disrespect my ex, I did not want to bad mouth her as I knew she had many wonderful qualities. She was a woman I fell in love with at one time, so why would I disrespect her? I care about her. Well, I ran into my ex the other day and apparently her new boyfriend was making fun of me with my ex and her friends. Apparently they gave me a nickname to indicate when I'm near by, like I was some type of plague. They were having a jolly time. Funny, at the time I thought my ex was truly happy before I knew she was talking about me, I was truly happy to know she was having a wonderful time with him. I truly was happy to know my ex was happy. Now that I learned that my ex was getting enjoyment from making fun of me just shows immaturity. While my ex has every right to do whatever she wishes, it shows disrespect towards me and I feel as if I lost respect for my ex. I do not know if she was making fun of me to hurt me knowing I was in hearing distance, or if she assumed I could not hear her. I feel as if I truly realized my ex is not worth any of my time from this moment. I don't think my ex grew by any regard from the break up, I don't think she truly improved herself by any regards. Am I overreacting? Am I over-thinking the situation? If I am, please tell me. I probably am very biased towards the situation, so any words of advice would be great.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Didn't she leave you because you threatened to hit her, or you raised a hand to her? If I'm right on that, she probably doesn't have a very high opinion of you. While it's stupid for her boyfriend to call you names or whatever he was doing, I'm guessing she didn't give him a glowing picture of you. It sucks, but the best thing to do is ignore it and move on. There's really no point in obsessing over it.
Author Bishop556 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) Yes, she did. The break up was both our faults. On my hand, it was that I raised a fist to her, had terrible depression, and was selfish to have my ex as my partner. I truly did not respect that the relationship was over. I have taken measures to ensure I never enter as low as I did previously in our relationship. I never want to return to the person I once was. It almost killed me. On her hand, she lied to me about having feelings for another while we were dating. The guy she immediately went for was the guy she emotionally cheated on me with six months prior. I was too idealistic about what I thought she was to not notice that she still had feelings for him while we were dating. Hell, she even considered her emotional cheating and her sexual relationship less than a week with him after leaving me as something trivial, something that I am silly to get worked up about. I honestly still believe to do this day she thinks she did nothing wrong. Overall, we both contributed in our own regards. I am no saint and I did plenty of wrong to her. I just feel that even despite this, I did still have some ounce of respect for her. Somewhere I still cared about her even though she truly hurt me. I guess it was a thread of false hope and my idealistic fantasy that I was wrong about who my ex was, that I was misinterpreting what actually happened, that I was overreacting. Edited April 22, 2014 by Bishop556
Simon Phoenix Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Yes, she did. The break up was both our faults. On my hand, it was that I raised a fist to her, had terrible depression, and was selfish to have my ex as my partner. I truly did not respect that the relationship was over. I have taken measures to ensure I never enter as low as I did previously in our relationship. I never want to return to the person I once was. It almost killed me. On her hand, she lied to me about having feelings for another while we were dating. The guy she immediately went for was the guy she emotionally cheated on me with six months prior. I was too idealistic about what I thought she was to not notice that she still had feelings for him while we were dating. Hell, she even considered her emotional cheating and her sexual relationship less than a week with him after leaving me as something trivial, something that I am silly to get worked up about. I honestly still believe to do this day she thinks she did nothing wrong. Overall, we both contributed in our own regards. I am no saint and I did plenty of wrong to her. I just feel that even despite this, I did still have some ounce of respect for her. Somewhere I still cared about her even though she truly hurt me. I guess it was a thread of false hope and my idealistic fantasy that I was wrong about who my ex was, that I was misinterpreting what actually happened, that I was overreacting. All of the bolded has no relevance from her perspective, or from her new boyfriend's perspective. Do you really think she's going to share that info with him, or even agree with it? No, she's going to relay to him her perspective on your screw ups, or just not say a word and let it slide. Obviously she relayed it. She's not bad, she has a different perspective. And even if you are right (which you very well might be) all of that became null and void in her mind when you raised your hand at her. Heck, she might even have justified her behavior because of that one act. Your relationship is over, has been over, and will continue to be over. Best to stop worrying about it -- it's way past salvaging anything.
KaliLove Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You threatened her with violence. She can call you whatever she wants to call you. I hope you're working on your anger issues with a professional so you don't actually hit someone next time. 2
Chi townD Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Dude, just move on with your life. You're moving on from a toxic situation. Just stay away from them. Don't even be near them. Start making positive changes in your life. Be on the move and stay busy. Travel and see the world. If they're talking smack about you, if you're traveling, then you won't be around to hear it. Plus, you need to be out of sight, then you're out of mind. Just move on.
Author Bishop556 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Dude, just move on with your life. You're moving on from a toxic situation. Just stay away from them. Don't even be near them. Start making positive changes in your life. Be on the move and stay busy. Travel and see the world. If they're talking smack about you, if you're traveling, then you won't be around to hear it. Plus, you need to be out of sight, then you're out of mind. Just move on. I have been. I feel much better with who i am as a human being. I have been exercising ranging to following my passions in life. I truly am giving my life direction. This was just one thing that got to me. I'm okay now. Moving on has been my goal, and I would say I'm doing very well. I'm finally on the stage of being able to date other people. Overall, it seems life is going well for me.
Author Bishop556 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) You threatened her with violence. She can call you whatever she wants to call you. I hope you're working on your anger issues with a professional so you don't actually hit someone next time. I can understand that it probably easier to assume I am some type of abuser, but I'm not. I had an incident, yes, I lost control, yes. I did not physically hurt her though, and I have already made my amends and expressed my remorse. People make mistakes, yes, but that does not define who they are. I was undergoing severe depression during that period of time, and I am certain that I am not that person anymore. She has every right to call me whatever she wishes, but it is disrespectful, and if you read my previous post, she did wrong to me as well, so the break up is not one sided. I was a fantastic boyfriend for most of the relationship, I was very loving and truly cared about my ex. I did many things for her that truly demonstrated this, I truly was always there for her. I have nearly completely moved on, more or less, and through the clarity time gives you, I can see that my faults and strengths, and hers as well. I am imperfect and I have made mistakes, so has she, so have you, so has everyone else who has come on this board. Does one incident define your character? No. Can someone who cheats reform themselves and truly be an outstanding person? I believe so. Can someone who has had an outburst still be a loving, caring human being? I believe so. I am a true believer in second chances as people are imperfect creatures, and even the most saintly people on the planet have had moments of darkness. I have forgiven my ex for hers, I know why she did the things that she did, and while it does hurt it has allowed me to truly forgive her. I am still in the process of forgiving myself, but I'm getting there. Edited April 22, 2014 by Bishop556
pteromom Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 She has every right to call me whatever she wishes, but it is disrespectful Dr. Phil says that when you say "but" after a statement, you are really just erasing what you just said. You believe she DOESN'T have a right to disrespect you. This is a matter of what you are spending your energy on though. You know you messed up. You are better off focusing on healing yourself and bettering yourself, rather than making sure the world knows she messed up too, or worrying about what she is doing and saying. You raised a hand to her, and I guarantee her new bf and all her friends think you are an abusive ass. You have no control over that. But you can control what happens next for you. Your best action is to prepare yourself for your next relationship so you can go into it happy and healthy and whole. Living well is truly the best revenge. As far as how to deal with her disrespect? Hold your head high and ignore it. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I can understand that it probably easier to assume I am some type of abuser, but I'm not. I had an incident, yes, I lost control, yes. I did not physically hurt her though, and I have already made my amends and expressed my remorse. People make mistakes, yes, but that does not define who they are. I was undergoing severe depression during that period of time, and I am certain that I am not that person anymore. She has every right to call me whatever she wishes, but it is disrespectful, and if you read my previous post, she did wrong to me as well, so the break up is not one sided. I was a fantastic boyfriend for most of the relationship, I was very loving and truly cared about my ex. I did many things for her that truly demonstrated this, I truly was always there for her. I have nearly completely moved on, more or less, and through the clarity time gives you, I can see that my faults and strengths, and hers as well. I am imperfect and I have made mistakes, so has she, so have you, so has everyone else who has come on this board. Does one incident define your character? No. Can someone who cheats reform themselves and truly be an outstanding person? I believe so. Can someone who has had an outburst still be a loving, caring human being? I believe so. I am a true believer in second chances as people are imperfect creatures, and even the most saintly people on the planet have had moments of darkness. I have forgiven my ex for hers, I know why she did the things that she did, and while it does hurt it has allowed me to truly forgive her. I am still in the process of forgiving myself, but I'm getting there. What you did was pretty much a "game over" type thing. Yes, your ex might have had her own issues (I'm sure she did). Yes, I'm sure you aren't an abuser and are in fact a decent person. But there are some things that when done, can never be undone, and you committed one of those things. So please, stop trying to look for some avenue for salvation from this woman and stop trying to spin it. It doesn't matter what she did, she won't feel guilty because that bridge is burned. What you did nuked that bridge and it's not going to be rebuilt. Stop spinning what you did and stop comparing it to what she might have done. There is no comparison. There are certain things in life that can never be taken back and you committed one of them. So stop looking for some sort of specific response from her, learn from what you did and moved forward. Stop worrying about whether she's disrespectful to you -- it's not your concern. Once you raised your hand at her, you forfeited any sort of say in how she treats you. Just assume from here on out that you are persona non grata in her life. 2
Elle1975 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I don't know if it is strange to have these views, but I believe you should treat your ex with complete respect. Besides the first month of the break up, I have tried to never disrespect my ex, I did not want to bad mouth her as I knew she had many wonderful qualities. She was a woman I fell in love with at one time, so why would I disrespect her? I care about her. Well, I ran into my ex the other day and apparently her new boyfriend was making fun of me with my ex and her friends. Apparently they gave me a nickname to indicate when I'm near by, like I was some type of plague. They were having a jolly time. Funny, at the time I thought my ex was truly happy before I knew she was talking about me, I was truly happy to know she was having a wonderful time with him. I truly was happy to know my ex was happy. Now that I learned that my ex was getting enjoyment from making fun of me just shows immaturity. While my ex has every right to do whatever she wishes, it shows disrespect towards me and I feel as if I lost respect for my ex. I do not know if she was making fun of me to hurt me knowing I was in hearing distance, or if she assumed I could not hear her. I feel as if I truly realized my ex is not worth any of my time from this moment. I don't think my ex grew by any regard from the break up, I don't think she truly improved herself by any regards. Am I overreacting? Am I over-thinking the situation? If I am, please tell me. I probably am very biased towards the situation, so any words of advice would be great. Well F.. want respect? Walk up to them and say "there's a problem?" I'm a woman and that's how I'd handle it. Ignoring the problem and taking it without saying a word isn't going to make you respected. I am not saying to get physical.. that's a no no and a bad idea. I wouldn't want to see the cops coming to the rescue.
ThatMan Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I can understand that it probably easier to assume I am some type of abuser, but I'm not. I had an incident, yes, I lost control, yes. I did not physically hurt her though, and I have already made my amends and expressed my remorse. People make mistakes, yes, but that does not define who they are. I was undergoing severe depression during that period of time, and I am certain that I am not that person anymore. You should be crystal clear on the matter. Are you actually refusing to seek out professional aid? Y/N 1
Author Bishop556 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I have had been a professional therapist for about four months, so far. So, I ahve been seeing professional help.
Elle1975 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I have had been a professional therapist for about four months, so far. So, I ahve been seeing professional help. That's great. I don't like when people see depression as a weakness. It takes balls to say "hey I have a problem, and I need help". 1
soccerrprp Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Well F.. want respect? Walk up to them and say "there's a problem?" I'm a woman and that's how I'd handle it. Ignoring the problem and taking it without saying a word isn't going to make you respected. I am not saying to get physical.. that's a no no and a bad idea. I wouldn't want to see the cops coming to the rescue. The OP is trying to be the more mature, respectful of the two. If so, you shouldn't have the need to create any more drama. OP, it seems that you are the one most hurt by the break-up. Typically, the one most hurt is the one who most desires to be "respectful" or more "mature." One thing though, there is always the danger that the one seeking mutual respect also forget or minimize their role in the relationship that led to such negativity on the part of the ex. Like others have said, accept what you've done, that she's likely told her now bf the bad stuff and get help to move on. But, let's get something straight. She doesn't have to RESPECT you. You earn or lose that depending on what you have done. I have a friend who does not RESPECT her ex and it is entirely justified and in fact, a healthy response to the years of sh*t she had to endure and to some respect continues to endure from that toxic past. She shouldn't be so childish, but she doesn't feel that you deserve her respect and that is okay. I'm a firm believer in extending respect to those I do not know, but once I do get to know you and you suck as a person, my respect for you is gone. But, I will also not contribute to your angst. I will simply leave you in my past and move on.
Author Bishop556 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) My therapist helped me to truly to accept that I was not abusive. After the break up, I felt like an abusive monster who was undeserving of love, and she helped me to realize I am a caring person that is deserving of love. I was at my lowest point. I truly felt worthless. She also helped me to come to terms with how hurt I was by my ex moving on with the man she emotionally cheated on me with. I know this for a fact as my ex admitted to having feelings for him six months prior to the break up. I felt it was a complete betrayal as my ex told me she had no feelings for him through our period of time together. And yes, I do consider it on the level of what I did.It took me about four months to get over that, as I trusted the guy as well. He even told me that there was nothing going on between them when I was suspicious of her after she developed feelings for her. Three days after the break up, I found out they were being sexual. There is always the possibility that she did not feelings for him, but it seems unlikely. It is in the past though, and there is nothing I can do about it. The best I can do is move on and live a happy life which I have been attempting to do. Edited April 22, 2014 by Bishop556
Simon Phoenix Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 My therapist helped me to truly to accept that I was not abusive. After the break up, I felt like an abusive monster who was undeserving of love, and she helped me to realize I am a caring person that is deserving of love. She also helped me to come to terms with how hurt I was by my ex moving on with the man she emotionally cheated on me with. I know this for a fact as my ex admitted to having feelings for him six months prior to the break up. I felt it was a complete betrayal as my ex told me she had no feelings for him through our period of time together. And yes, I do consider it on the level of what I did.It took me about four months to get over that, as I trusted the guy as well. He even told me that there was nothing going on between them when I was suspicious of her after she developed feelings for her. It is in the past though, and there is nothing I can do about it. The best I can do is move on and live a happy life which I have been attempting to do. She doesn't though, and she never will. That's what you have to get through to yourself -- that you and her will never share the same perspective, so stop looking for salvation from her. Things are truly irreconciable, which happens -- not every breakup turns into some sort of appreciation of the other person later. Sometimes, what's broken is burned and thrown into the ocean. That's what she's done. Come to terms with that as you continue to move on in your life. She has no responsibility to treat you with respect, so stop looking for it. You'll be OK.
Author Bishop556 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 She doesn't though, and she never will. That's what you have to get through to yourself -- that you and her will never share the same perspective, so stop looking for salvation from her. Things are truly irreconciable, which happens -- not every breakup turns into some sort of appreciation of the other person later. Sometimes, what's broken is burned and thrown into the ocean. That's what she's done. Come to terms with that as you continue to move on in your life. She has no responsibility to treat you with respect, so stop looking for it. You'll be OK. I completely understand that. I'm sorry for seeming to belabor the point. It just has been a very difficult experience for me, and it gets me emotional thinking about it, of course. We both ****ed up in our own ways, and my perspective is not the same as hers in any regards. While I consider what she did as a betrayal, she considered it as something trivial that was my fault for reacting over. I do have to accept that, as she probably only considers what I did as the betrayal while I feel equally as guilty to what occurred. I wish my ex would sincerely apologize for the hurt she caused me, but that is just false hope. In her eyes, she did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, this is a fact that I have been coming to terms with. Thank you though for the advice. It kind of revealed the difference between our thinking, and that has now allowed me more motivation to move on. I do not want someone who could do that to me and not realize that it was devastating to me. For example, my ex and I were talking and she told me she would like to develop a friendship with me, and while I am respectful towards her, I don't think it is possible due to the constant reminder of the hurtful experience. I don't believe she truly believes how much this experience truly hurt me, and I believe that is enough motivation to move on and find happiness elsewhere.
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