James-London Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Hi All, Well, I didn't think I would ever be on this forum again. However, I thought it would be useful for other people to know what its like 8 or 9 months down the line since I had my heart ripped to shreds last August. Plus, it will probably be therapeutic for me too.... So - yes, I got cheated on. Big time. I'm in my early 30s and I can safely say that it was absolutely the worst experience of my life. You can read all my other posts on this, if you like. But for a quick recap - I went out with this girl from the early summer of 2012 to late summer 2013. I immediately dumped her when I found out that she slept with another guy 3 times in December 2012. However, I kind of got obsessed with finding out the full truth. Slightly ridiculous given that sleeping with him 3 times was already enough reason to never speak with her again. Anyway, it turned out there was a 4th time and she only told me this a few days before Christmas 2013!! I just felt totally sick. It was not as bad as finding out about the first 3 times because I kind of already knew there was more. Anyway, i haven't seen her since she told me about the 4th time, and the last email was probably around February this year. I'm a little embarrassed about how long it took me to let go of her. But part of me just couldn't believe this could happen. I really felt she loved me. In the end, I think she did love me... It was just that she didn't respect me or take me seriously. Perhaps a bit like how someone might love their pet dog. Anyway, so I was chatting in the pub (yes, I am English) on Friday with this guy who went through a similar experience at a similar time. His attitude has been to put up all his defences and never trust another woman again. He said that a relationship is just not worth the pain of an infidelity.... I totally empathised with him, but I didn't agree. I think the most empowering thing to do is look at what can be learnt so you are in a stronger position next time. Just throwing in the towel on any future relationship seemed a bit of cop out to me. So, here's what I learnt from this experience (in no special order): 1. eat well and exercise regularly. this will not actually solve anything for you, but it will make it much easier to deal with. even if you are just jogging for 10 minutes, make it into a routine. for me, this was the first part of my life that i felt I had some control over, which was also good. 2. your heart will lag behind your heard. so things will make sense intellectually but you just cannot process it or accept it emotionally. nothing you can do about that - its just how we are wired. just useful to be aware of it. 3. your cheating partner will likely lie to you about what happened. You will want to believe them (see point 2.) but if it doesn't sound right it almost certainly is not. I guess you have to ask yourself how important the truth is for you - it was really important to me, but that doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. If it is important, only look at objective evidence - ignoring the words from her lying mouth. 4. Similarly, you will very likely be blamed for their cheating. As sure as night follows day, there will be reason why you are the person responsible for forcing her to go out there and break your heart..... really? does that make any sense? 5. can you take her back? well, in my case it turned out to be no. I really wanted to, but in the end it was obvious that a) she still had some feelings for the other guy (even if it was just friendship), and b) she was not really interested in fighting to get me back. She never really proved she deserved another chance. I found it hard to cut the ties, but I knew there was obviously no choice. one useful thing to ask is: would she want to be with a guy who would forgive her for the way she behaved? Even if she is asking for forgiveness, would she respect you if you did actually forgive?? would she forgive you if the tables were turned? Anyway... there are probably more things but I can't think of them just now. I've just been on a few dates in the last few weeks, and the things I am going to try and focus on in the future are: 1. what are my needs in this relationship? looking back, I can see now that I didn't really insist on what I wanted enough. So I became a bit of a doormat. She would have her tantrums and sulks and I was the guy pandering after her. I actually feel a bit sick about how weak I was.... 2. how much is the other person committed, sacrificing and investing to the relationship? if they insist they are (and they invariably will), what actual evidence is there for this? I just failed to take a few steps backwards and look a the big picture. As a result, I'm ashamed to admit that I became a bit of a doormat. Anyway, that's my wisdom, for what its worth. I wouldn't say its been a great experience, but I do at least know better what I want, need and deserve from a relationship now. So, I hope I'm a more self-aware person now.... yes, its always possible i could get cheated on again. but, i will make sure i the communication works properly and i know she is really serious about me next time. i think that's the best we can do. after that its just a matter of learning to trust again. best of luck to everyone on here. James. 5
road Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 However, I kind of got obsessed with finding out the full truth. Slightly ridiculous given that sleeping with him 3 times was already enough reason to never speak with her again. Anyway, it turned out there was a 4th time and she only told me this a few days before Christmas 2013!! I just felt totally sick. It was not as bad as finding out about the first 3 times because I kind of already knew there was more. Anyway, i haven't seen her since she told me about the 4th time, and the last email was probably around February this year. Normal to take a year to get over a relationship ending. Also you insisting that you have another D day just resets the healing back to day one. 1
Arvin_Solheim Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Well I've found through experience, although I was much much much younger than you when I was cheated on....I was 17 at the time and it really made me a bad person for a long time, I had decided never to let such a thing happen so I ended up being the cheater and the arsehole; if something like that happens to me I will never do the things I did the first time around, I emotionally tortured the cheating girlfriend to the point of depression; I arranged it so she'd catch me in bed with someone, when she begged for me to stop I told her that I don't want her anymore, I broke up with her and dated one of her friends whom she was always jealous of and kept seeing her on the side, telling her that I still loved her and kicked her out of my home when we were done.....Friends back home tell me that she is still depressed and hasn't recovered from what I did to her, I actually don't feel bad about it because that one occurrence made me into a more selfish person than I already was and many of the messes I made in my relationships with other good/decent girls was because of what she had done, But I find what happened useful, now I'm a much better person and I would never go through the same thing ever again.....I think you should be greatful of the things you've learned in the process... p.s I totally agree with you on the difference between the logical and emotional standpoints, I always found infidelity to be a completely logical phenomenon but when it occurred to me I couldn't emotionally handle it. 1
Author James-London Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 thanks for your thoughts Road. I guess from august 13 to about February this year, I told myself that I just wanted to stay in contact with her because I wanted to know the truth. Once I knew the truth, I would be able to cut her out.... I guess she knew that holding back the truth was her only way of keeping some control over me and keeping me in her life. I do still find myself astonished by all of this. She admitted to staying at his house those two times in August last year, but she promised me that she stayed on a spare bed in his room and that nothing happened. Now I know she stayed in his bed both times and she had sex with him the second time. Obviously, this could still be a diluted version of the truth. But I'm still astonished about the depth of her lies. It took her from August to December to admit to the sex the second time, and she only admitted that there never was a spare bed in February this year!! The thing is - she was doing all this stuff behind my back over 2 or 3 weeks from July to August last year, and the truth came out slowly over the following 9 months. At the time she thought she was just "having some fun" and she never dreamt that she would get caught. I honestly don't think she ever really wanted me to get hurt. She really tried hard to hide all this from me. However, it is also equally clear that she just never respected me that much, and she was just not that serious about me.... All of her lying afterwards was just pathetic because she was just too weak to take responsibility for what she had done. .... i do still think about her. I do still think about wanting to tell her funny stories or I imagine scenarios together. But it is less strong now. And the anger of the cheating is much less.... I just remind myself that she was not that serious about me. If the cheating was all just some awful and immature mistake, then she would have really been fighting to get me back and prove she deserved another chance.... But she never really did that. Reminding myself of that fact is the one thing that really helps me to move on. In the end, I deserve someone who is serious about me and truly respects me.
drifter777 Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I get the doormat thing and feeling like you were weak in the relationship. However, you did walk away even though you loved her - that's something that shows some real character. You could have codependent tendencies that fuels a powerful fear of losing your partner. It might be worth it for you to get a book and educate yourself a bit on codependency and see if it fits you. Understanding why you react the way you do in certain situations can help you change some behaviors and feel more secure in a love relationship.
Author James-London Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 that's right. i really did love her. still do in some way.... the thing is that she really gave me no choice. in the end, she never really fought for me, she had feelings for this other guy (or at least unresolved feelings), and she constantly hid the truth from me. This site was really useful for me because I could see the difference between a cheater who deserved another chance and my ex. My ex was never that sure she really wanted to be with me, so she found it hard to remove the other guy from her life. Also, she could never put her heart into fighting for me (by booking up the couples therapy, for example). Also, many, many other people on her admit their cheating to their partners. My ex never did this until I found actual evidence that proved what she did. For the above 3 reasons, she just never deserved another chance. Even though I love/loved her (although I don't know why!), I know I just cannot be with a person who treats me like this.
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