ThreatLevelMidnight Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 So, it's been about four months now of dating, dinners, meeting each others' friends, sleepovers and etc. He does everything a boyfriend would...but won't give us a title. I asked him "What are your intentions with me?", to which he responded with a non-answer: "Standard boy-girl intentions". What in the heck does that mean? Not wanting to seem pushy, I didn't ask again. Some background info: He's 36, I'm 23. Anywho, here are the reasons I feel so insecure around him: 1) He rarely compliments me, unless it's "You look nice." Or, "You look hot". Still that's rare. I'm the type of girl who likes to dress up for her man, so when he picks me up in my heels, red lips, and hairstyle that took 30 minutes, just to get a "You look nice", (if even that), I feel kind of knocked down a peg. Which I don't understand because if he only thought I was average looking, why did he approach me on the street?! 2) Whenever we're out in public he stares at other women. STARES. I usually point it out in a joking way, to not seem jealous, but he always says he doesn't realize it. 3) He won't define the relationship. I'm not sure if this is because he's not really into me, or what the deal is, but I always felt that if a guy's feelings were strong enough, he would want to lock you down. 4) He's not very affectionate. He doesn't hold my hand, kiss my cheek, perform any sort of PDA, and in fact drives me crazy by walking super fast in front of me like I'm invisible or something. To mess with him, I ducked behind a wall and waited to see if he noticed I was missing. He didn't. We went to a restaurant a few nights ago and there was a beautiful young hostess serving us. The restaurant featured Russian cuisine, his homeland, and the young lady happened to be Russian as well, so they sparked up a conversation that was too long for my comfortability. With my exes, such a situation wouldn't upset me, because I'm secure that he thinks I'm just as beautiful, but he's not my boyfriend; furthermore, without any sort of affection and his tendency to not claim me in public, I literally felt like a sack of potatoes. I tried to include myself in the conversation telling the girl I noticed her lovely accent. She ignored me. I sulked. That night got even worse as he began chatting it up with the bleach blonde, fake-tits chef of the restaurant in Russian. I told him I'd wait outside. In the car ride home, feeling unappreciated, ugly, and upset, I told him how his actions made me feel insecure. He said "aww, I'm sorry." I went on to say that if I was secure in how he felt about me, then his talking with the women wouldn't have made me insecure. I needed to know how he felt about me or he needed to show it. Well, this guy is either socially clueless or amazing at beating around the bush because that was the end of that conversation. I also told him how him being unaffectionate was making me feel unwanted. He said he'd meet me halfway... He's also quite immature. Recently we were having a serious discussion about birth control and he asked if I had ever been "preggy-weggy". How old are you again? He's said, casually, that he usually dates girls 22-25, and that maybe that's because he himself is immature. His aloofness and emotional distance may just be his personality, which he's said people have commented on before. He said his friend described him as highly logical and like a computer. So, maybe that's it. Anyways, what I'd really like to know is if he is just using me to pass the time, or is even open to something more because I'm not looking for a FWB or casual relationship, which I've told him. I've pretty much made up my mind that, even though he may be a nice and generous guy, his aloofness and unwillingness to change, is making me miserable. How do you "break-up" with someone you're not officially in a relationship with anyway?
stillafool Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You are right to break up with him. He doesn't appreciate you and if he is flirting with girls in front of you can you imagine what he is doing when you are not around? Just tell him "This relationship isn't working for me. I wish you the best but I don't want to date you anymore." Go NC and delete all info on him so he can't contact you. It's spring and there are lots of guys out there to meet. Enjoy! 5
bafflio Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 So, it's been about four months now of dating, dinners, meeting each others' friends, sleepovers and etc. He does everything a boyfriend would...but won't give us a title. I asked him "What are your intentions with me?", to which he responded with a non-answer: "Standard boy-girl intentions". What in the heck does that mean? Not wanting to seem pushy, I didn't ask again. Some background info: He's 36, I'm 23. Anywho, here are the reasons I feel so insecure around him: 1) He rarely compliments me, unless it's "You look nice." Or, "You look hot". Still that's rare. I'm the type of girl who likes to dress up for her man, so when he picks me up in my heels, red lips, and hairstyle that took 30 minutes, just to get a "You look nice", (if even that), I feel kind of knocked down a peg. Which I don't understand because if he only thought I was average looking, why did he approach me on the street?! 2) Whenever we're out in public he stares at other women. STARES. I usually point it out in a joking way, to not seem jealous, but he always says he doesn't realize it. 3) He won't define the relationship. I'm not sure if this is because he's not really into me, or what the deal is, but I always felt that if a guy's feelings were strong enough, he would want to lock you down. 4) He's not very affectionate. He doesn't hold my hand, kiss my cheek, perform any sort of PDA, and in fact drives me crazy by walking super fast in front of me like I'm invisible or something. To mess with him, I ducked behind a wall and waited to see if he noticed I was missing. He didn't. We went to a restaurant a few nights ago and there was a beautiful young hostess serving us. The restaurant featured Russian cuisine, his homeland, and the young lady happened to be Russian as well, so they sparked up a conversation that was too long for my comfortability. With my exes, such a situation wouldn't upset me, because I'm secure that he thinks I'm just as beautiful, but he's not my boyfriend; furthermore, without any sort of affection and his tendency to not claim me in public, I literally felt like a sack of potatoes. I tried to include myself in the conversation telling the girl I noticed her lovely accent. She ignored me. I sulked. That night got even worse as he began chatting it up with the bleach blonde, fake-tits chef of the restaurant in Russian. I told him I'd wait outside. In the car ride home, feeling unappreciated, ugly, and upset, I told him how his actions made me feel insecure. He said "aww, I'm sorry." I went on to say that if I was secure in how he felt about me, then his talking with the women wouldn't have made me insecure. I needed to know how he felt about me or he needed to show it. Well, this guy is either socially clueless or amazing at beating around the bush because that was the end of that conversation. I also told him how him being unaffectionate was making me feel unwanted. He said he'd meet me halfway... He's also quite immature. Recently we were having a serious discussion about birth control and he asked if I had ever been "preggy-weggy". How old are you again? He's said, casually, that he usually dates girls 22-25, and that maybe that's because he himself is immature. His aloofness and emotional distance may just be his personality, which he's said people have commented on before. He said his friend described him as highly logical and like a computer. So, maybe that's it. Anyways, what I'd really like to know is if he is just using me to pass the time, or is even open to something more because I'm not looking for a FWB or casual relationship, which I've told him. I've pretty much made up my mind that, even though he may be a nice and generous guy, his aloofness and unwillingness to change, is making me miserable. How do you "break-up" with someone you're not officially in a relationship with anyway? If you are dating a man 13 years older, it might be more challenging to find someone sincere who isn't looking for FWB / casual relationship. You know his refusal to clarify the relationship is because he wants to keep it a fling. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 "This relationship isn't working for me. I wish you the best but I don't want to date you anymore." Perfect. It sounds to me like he dates younger women because they are naive and will put up with his crap longer than women who are more savvy about men. So beware - after you dump him, he'll probably work on you to keep you around, as he knows you've put up with this bad treatment this long, and are likely to continue. You have to decide if you've had enough of his crap, or not. Personally, I'd dump him, go completely No Contact, and not respond to him any further. 6
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Now you know why women his age won't give him the time of the day and he's resorting to dating young 20ish year old women with no experience. ADD: Sorry forgot to answer your question. You break up with : Good bye don't call me again and I don't think I need to explain to you why. *hang up* Edited April 21, 2014 by Gaeta 1
mammasita Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Simply say you're looking for something more mature, serious and committed and wish him well. 1
preraph Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 It's only been 4 months, not really long enough for any big commitment, but he's not even going there. He's no doubt seeing other women, and what you should do is see other men and just not always be available when he wants to get together because you have options. I think you make way too much of him complimenting you. He wouldn't be doing anything with you if there wasn't some level of attraction. Anyway, if there's one thing Tiger Woods taught us, it doesn't matter if you're the best looking person on earth, you will still be cheated on. Men don't often get "blinders on" where they don't want to look at other women. Sadly.
Damaged217 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 So, it's been about four months now of dating, dinners, meeting each others' friends, sleepovers and etc. He does everything a boyfriend would...but won't give us a title. He does everything a BAD boyfriend would do. You left out that key word. This guy sucks. Don't ever let a man make you feel bad about yourself. Why are you wasting time with this idiot who clearly doesn't appreciate you and gawks at other women in your presence? Ditch him. 3
Imported Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 OP, I stopped reading shortly after point #2. This is not a respectful way to treat women that you are with. There is no excuse for it. You should cut ties and move on.
travelbug1996 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) Next man you date find out what he wants whether its a serious relationship, casual or fwb. Most men will be honest. If he says he wants a serious relationship watch his behavior first before you start having sex with him. This happened to me where I told the guy that my heart was attached to my puddy and I didn't want a casual relationship. Well, I failed to ask him what he was looking for and allow him to show me with actions and not words. Well, his actions ultimately showed that he wanted casual. The last time I saw him he took me out for a wonderful time and told me he would call me the same night and didn't. I told him that I was done with him and his immature games. Of course I dumped him but there is a way to minimize having this happen again. Pay attention to actions. Edited April 22, 2014 by travelbug1996
Leigh 87 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You are putting up with bad treatment, when you should INSIST on ONLY dating men who treat you WELL. It is not polite when a man talks at length to other women when he is on a date with you. Especially if he is clearly attracted to the woman in question. Talking to his female friends is fine but he was not. When a guy is really into you, he only has eyes for you when he is around you. Sure, some look at attractive women when they are NOT around you, but if a guy is RESPECTFUL and he is very much falling in love with you, he will SO not check out and ogle other women in front of you. This guy has acted like a jerk. He was a jerk for flirting, having long conversations and ogling other women in front of you. Are you going to act pathetic and let him treat you like this? OR are you going to dump his ass and demand a guy who clearly only has eyes for you? Lastly, when a man truly falls hard for a woman, is super into her and falls head over heels for her he WILL want commitment at some stage unless there are extenuating circumstances and he absolutely is in a truly bad place and is too embarrassed to share it with you; even then he would seek you out and find you again AFTER his ordeal. Even if a guy says " I have a lot going on" or " I am only in the mood for casual right now" they almost ALWAYS mean " I like you but not enough to commit" And the ones that are genuine do not readily let a girl they are nuts about go, they would only do it if their situations were AWFUL and they would then seek you out and find you again after. Please stop acting like all the other pathetic women who don't value themselves enough to demand a boyfriend who adores them.
topaMAXX Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 What OP should do: dump him. What she will do: keep him around. My (educated) guess is that this guy is either very good looking or has VERY good game (or possibly both).
regine_phalange Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Why on earth one would not spend time with someone that actually gives them a good time? Relationships should be a fun experience and make us feel warm and happy. Why do we make our own lives so difficult? It doesn't matter why he is behaving like this. You are not his shrink. He is just stringing you along, because you are letting him and he has nothing to lose. 3
soccerrprp Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 This guy is not worth your time or any rational woman's time. Sorry, but he's not even a decent boyfriend, but you know that, of course. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 He dates women younger (you) because women his own age won't put up with his nonsense. You are an ego boost. You don't have compatible dating styles. It was fun while it lasted but it's not forever. 1
HappyLove Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Preggy Weggy?!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY?! A grown 36 year old man said these words and you are still dating him? I expect more from a 16 year old kid! This "man" has been nothing but disrespectful to you but you're having sex with him and begging for his attention. He's not worth your time. What are you gonna do when you turn 25? You'll be too old for this idiot. Why are you even wasting your time OP? You're letting this guy use and abuse you making you feel bad about yourself. Do yourself a favor and find yourself a good guy your age who is more mature, shouldn't be hard to find. How to you break up-- Call this fool up, scratch that... (He's immature so) TEXT him and say sorry but this relationship isn't working for me, I wish you all the best. And when he tries to text you back ignore him. And FYI he's the one who's insecure and broken OP a "man" this sad will be doing this for a very long time, finding young girls who are young and dumb and don't know better.
somedude81 Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You really should stop seeing this guy. But I doubt you'll leave him. Most likely he'll be merciful and dump you for another woman. Don't take it too hard OK.
MissBee Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Simply tell him you're not getting what you need from this situation and you won't be seeing him anymore. You've already listed all the reasons why he is not a good person to be with, you don't need his permission to dump him and certainly don't need to consider his feelings. It's one thing to feel badly about dumping a nice guy but he seems like a jerk, so I'd not feel badly at all about saying, "I need different things than you can provide, so I think we should see other people", then immediately go NC (no contact) with him from there on.
Lixxy Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 He sounds like a pick-up artist... Immature, cold, unaffectionate, distant, and incompetent in emotional relationships. I don't know how he even got that far with you. I'd leave asap.
Poppygoodwill Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You've heard a lot and there's only so much left to say since we all agree. But I will add this: that feeling you have, that something is wrong and you're not comfortable....honour it. listen to it. It doesn't matter what his reasons are for his behaviour or why he does what he does. If you don't feel good around him and comfortable with how he behaves *then he is wrong for you* Doesn't matter what his problem is; he's not making you feel good. So cut him loose and go find someone who will.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 God he sounds like a nightmare get rid of him. Tell him you've moved on already to someone more serious and mature and from Ukraine.
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