GorillaTheater Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I do need to introspect more and try to realize why I put up with what I did. If you want to have healthy relationships in the future, and avoid any more like this one, this would be a very good use of your time. We all have stuff to work on, and this would be a great time to do that work. 1
Author Line44 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 If you want to have healthy relationships in the future, and avoid any more like this one, this would be a very good use of your time. We all have stuff to work on, and this would be a great time to do that work. That I do. I just wish I knew where to start. In time I'm sure I will though.
Zahara Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 That I do. I just wish I knew where to start. In time I'm sure I will though. You've already started by questioning if you're co-dependent. Get some books on it and start reading. It will help you with that introspection. I'm currently reading a book from Louise Hay - You Can Heal Your Life and it's helping me identify with my issues. Wouldn't hurt you to just speak to a therapist. It could help you dig deep and also help you manage and cope with the break-up. One of the things that are evident with people being in abusive situations is the lack of self-love. There are things you can do to help re-route the focus back to you and start nurturing yourself. Start writing a list a of things you want to change, improve, accomplish. Start there. Small steps.
GorillaTheater Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Another book recomendation: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover. The title might lead you to believe that it's a "how to" on being a dick, but far from it. It's about how to be a man with healthy boundaries, and too many of us have had problems with that from time to time. 1
Author Line44 Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Thank you Zahara and Gorilla. I will check out those books. I actually have seen a therapist twice now, but it hasn't helped much unfortunately. I guess I'm too hard headed. Today has been tough. I am keeping up no contact though. I can't wait until this is over. All of this has made me never want to date again. I know that I won't feel like that forever, but I do right now.
oracle Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 29 and 42 isn't a big age difference in my opinion. 19 and 42 would be a different story
Downtown Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 That page on BPD has many traits that align with her.Line, I agree with Midwest, Zahara, and you that you're describing many of the classic warning signs for BPD. How long did you actually date her? Did you two live together?
Author Line44 Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Line, I agree with Midwest, Zahara, and you that you're describing many of the classic warning signs for BPD. How long did you actually date her? Did you two live together? We dated for about a year and she moved in with me after a couple of months. She had just lost her job and after trying to get back to work, decided to stay on disability. One other big thing I can't believe I forgot to mention was that she had me arrested after a mutual spat when she was withdrawing from one of her meds. The day after she went to my attorney and the case has since been dismissed. There was also a morning that she woke up screaming and crying in pain and when I finally got her to the hospital, she ran out. She got in some strangers car and showed up with him at a friends 3 hours later, and was then brought back to the hospital. When I got there, she was squirming around crawling out of her skin again from withdrawal. She told me the reason she ran out of the first hospital was because she thought I was going to have her admitted to a psych ward. I never had that intention nor do I know where she came up with that.
Downtown Posted April 27, 2014 Posted April 27, 2014 We dated for about a year and she moved in with me after a couple of months.Line, of course, it is possible that you do have a problem with "codependency." Yet, living with a BPDer for a year certainly does not imply that you do. BPDers exhibit a purity of expression and emotional intensity that makes them VERY EASY to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. My experience is that, after the abuse starts about 4 to 6 months into the relationship, even emotionally healthy people will spend up to a year trying to restore it to that wondrous relationship they had at the beginning. Then they will walk. In contrast, the excessive caregivers like me (often called "codependents") will hang on for many years. And most of us never will give up on our sick loved ones. In my case, I spent 15 years taking my BPDer exW to six different psychologists and three MCs -- all to no avail. Most of us excessive caregivers refuse to walk away from a sick loved one. Instead, they eventually abandon us. As the years go by, the BPDer becomes increasingly resentful that you are not making her happy (an impossible task) and increasingly fearful of abandonment (as she sees her body agining). This is why BPDers eventually walk out on their spouses after about 15 years. When doing so, it is very common for a female BPDer to have her husband arrested for "brutalizing her" -- as my exW did to me. To a BPDer, having her H arrested and obtaining a R/O is the equivalent of receiving a Harvard PhD in Victimhood. It is the ultimate validation of her false self image of always being "The Victim." In the unlikely event that you really are an excessive caregiver, you would find that your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). In that case, you would have great difficulty distinguishing "being needed" from "being loved." Indeed, you would have difficulty recognizing you are being loved if the woman does not also desperately need you. The result would be that you would keep trying to help a woman even when it is to your great detriment to do so -- and even when your efforts to help are unsuccessful.
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