Line44 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I have been lurking for a while and have learned a lot from this forum. I am 29 and was dating a woman that is 42. I'm sure some will say that with this much of an age difference there was no way things would work, and you may be right, but I loved her very much. Everything was great in the beginning, she was the first to confess her love, and she pushed marriage and even having kids about 3 months in to the relationship. She had breast cancer that spread to her bones, and because of that was taking a lot of medication including antidepressants. We bickered a lot. She has a lot of baggage from her past and wanted to stay in touch with her exes. I told her that I would prefer that she didn't and she almost broke up with me because of it, but eventually came around. She also became a mormon a couple of years before I met her and wanted me to be baptized in the church, but when I told her I couldn't she again cried and almost left me, but then again came around. I was nowhere near perfect in the relationship, but have had a lot of time to introspect after she left to realize what I need to do to become a better person. She seemed to be very paranoid towards the end of the relationship, accusing me of the most outlandish things. She was also very emotional. She eventually left me for her ex. I have made a list of things I felt were negative about her to help me get over her: · Pathological liar · Assaulted me with closed fists · Spoke negatively about me behind my back · Told people that I was keeping her captive · Talked about ex’s too much and stayed in touch with them · Too emotional and negative · Lots of infidelity in her past · Divorced twice · Uses Mormon religion to hide behind · Massive debt · Uses everyone · Did not want to split bills · Lied about what she was going to do after she left me · Said she would stay in touch but cut contact with me after she left me · Left me for her meth addict ex · Told her friend that she escaped when minutes before she was telling me how much she loved me · Downplayed my efforts to wait on her hand and foot · Needed constant sympathy and was always a victim · Daddy issues and a history of abuse · High amount of sexual partners · Would make plans and then argue with me when she didn’t want to go through with them · Blamed me for her job failures even though it was her fault · Had paranoid thoughts and would accuse me of things that were not true · Would have dreams and had trouble differentiating them from reality · Has severe depression and takes 2 antidepressants · Had at least 3 one night stands in the past · Accused me of being an ******* when giving her helpful advice on dishes, etc. · Lacked common sense · Talks negatively about others then stays in contact with them · Tried to turn me against family and vice versa · Constant suicidal thoughts Now most would think why the hell do you miss this woman? My logical side screams the same thing. Now that she is gone though, I really miss her. What is wrong with me?
GorillaTheater Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Attraction's a funny thing, and doesn't have a whole lot to do with logic. But that's one hell of a list of negatives. Objectively, you have to know that your better off without her. Give it some time to let your heart catch up with your head.
Mr.Pine Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Did not want to split bills It's funny. The one negative on your list that really stood out for me was this one. In a relationship...in a healthy relationship, things are split down the middle. When you move in together, you split the rent. When you go shopping for domestic crap, you split the bill. Utilities? Yup, you guessed it. Now if she was talking about dinner, then no splitting. The guy always pays for dinner. Even if you're living together. I would pay for groceries, and my ex would cook dinner, and I would do the dishes. That's how we rolled. Otherwise, we had a partnership...50-50 all around. Son, she'll be 50 in 8 years. You'll be in your 30s. She'll hit menopause, and you'll be SOL on the kid thing unless you plan to adopt. Get out. Now. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You had a lot of patience to suffer all that and still wanted to be with her. I wonder if you can exercise the same patience with yourself to get over her and heal?
chelsea2011 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Holy cow. I have no idea why you would miss her. Read your list everytime you have doubts and that should help. You dodged a major bullet. Whew!
Author Line44 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Thanks everyone. One question I have is that when she left she kept about half of her belongings at my house first saying that she no longer needed them, but then emailed me saying that she did in fact want them but would pick them up in the future. She has been known to do this with other exes as well. I tried calling her because I really don't want to keep her belongings here, it bothers me for many reasons. She then changed her number and wouldn't respond to my email asking her if she could give me an estimate on when she would be picking them up. Any thoughts on this?
Frank2thepoint Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Thanks everyone. One question I have is that when she left she kept about half of her belongings at my house first saying that she no longer needed them, but then emailed me saying that she did in fact want them but would pick them up in the future. She has been known to do this with other exes as well. I tried calling her because I really don't want to keep her belongings here, it bothers me for many reasons. She then changed her number and wouldn't respond to my email asking her if she could give me an estimate on when she would be picking them up. Any thoughts on this? Pack up the stuff in a box. If she has friends or relative you know about, drop it off with them. If not, then leave it in a corner for a month. If you still don't hear from her, throw the box (along with it's contents) in the garbage or donate them.
GorillaTheater Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Thanks everyone. One question I have is that when she left she kept about half of her belongings at my house first saying that she no longer needed them, but then emailed me saying that she did in fact want them but would pick them up in the future. She has been known to do this with other exes as well. I tried calling her because I really don't want to keep her belongings here, it bothers me for many reasons. She then changed her number and wouldn't respond to my email asking her if she could give me an estimate on when she would be picking them up. Any thoughts on this? Put her stuff in a storage unit, pay for a month in advance, and send her an email or two and a certified letter with the key, letting her know when the storage lease is up. Done.
MidwestUSA Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I'm willing to bet she was lying about the cancer, if you'd like to add that to your list. Metastases to the bone are extremely painful and usually signify the end. She would have been in hospice. So, if you're looking for the straw to break the camel's back...... Seriously, sounds like BPD. 1
Zahara Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 One question I have is that when she left she kept about half of her belongings at my house first saying that she no longer needed them, but then emailed me saying that she did in fact want them but would pick them up in the future. She has been known to do this with other exes as well. Any thoughts on this? Thoughts about why she does it will all her exs or just with you? Who knows and why do you care? You're no exception to her treating all her exs like shytt so no need to try and analyze her neurosis with her stuff. You're in the same bucket as those other guys. And yes, people use "stuff" as a means to open communication at some point of time. It doesn't matter. You do not want to have communication with this person. Do what Stan suggested. It's your best option. PS: Downtown's advice on another thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470959-get-them-back-no-contact-vs-some-contact-8.html (page 8). It could help you better understand if she has those traits. 1
Zahara Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Who's Stan? GorillaTheater! StanMusical on the brain and I don't know why.
MidwestUSA Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 GorillaTheater! StanMusical on the brain and I don't know why. LOL, okay! You mean #6?
Author Line44 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I will probably do the storage unit idea. She did have cancer, I went to the doctors with her a few times and she even wanted me to sit in with her to listen. She was constantly complaining about pain in her bones and was using fentanyl patches and now methadone and hydromorphone. She was also taking a pill form of chemo. That page on BPD has many traits that align with her. Her dad also called looking for her about a week ago and filled me in on her past and how when she was diagnosed with cancer the Dr. told him that he was more worried about her mental health than her physical health. Her dad and grandmother are her only two surviving family members and they do not have the best relationship with her. Her mom died when she was with me and she never really showed much emotion about it. Come to find out she told her dad that she hoped her mom would die shortly before she passed away.
MidwestUSA Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 #6? (Ten charac) It's bad, I know, that I know retired jersey numbers off the top of my head. (Stan Musial). He's a hometown native and hero tho!
Zahara Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 It's bad, I know, that I know retired jersey numbers off the top of my head. (Stan Musial). He's a hometown native and hero tho! I'm looking like a complete idiot! StanMusial the LS poster but ah!, a lesson in sports history via Wikipedia -- Stan Musial #6, baseball player. How funny -- was at the Cardinals/Nats game on Saturday. You learn something everyday! Thanks Midwest 1
Author Line44 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I just can't believe that I still miss her. I should be ecstatic that she is gone. Is the the codependency/caregiver stuff I've been reading a little bit about?
Zahara Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I just can't believe that I still miss her. I should be ecstatic that she is gone. Is the the codependency/caregiver stuff I've been reading a little bit about? It's normal that you miss her. You attached emotionally to her and you did have some sort of relationship and I am sure at the start of it all it was wonderful. The good times keep you attached, even when you know there are bad. You will romanticize and idealize her and it's all normal. Whether you are co-dependent or not, I can't say but it wouldn't hurt for you to do some soul searching in figuring out why you tolerated such abuse or ill treatment.
Author Line44 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 You're right in all regards. I just can't believe I'm the one missing her after everything she did and everything I did for her.
Zahara Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 You're right in all regards. I just can't believe I'm the one missing her after everything she did and everything I did for her. I just stated that you had investment in her and that's why you are still missing her and hurting.
Author Line44 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I know. I just meant that I can't believe after all that I did for her that I'm missing her and not vice versa.
Zahara Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) I know. I just meant that I can't believe after all that I did for her that I'm missing her and not vice versa. Well, if you go back and read all the things that you said about her, how does one with that sort of mindset feel and process healthy emotional feelings towards the loss of a partner? You're trying to project how you feel on her and that is not wise because she's coming from a different place. She doesn't translate missing, loving, caring, loss the way you do. Yes, she may feel some sort of loss but when you're hardwired a certain way, most likely the way she feels and relates to emotions is very different from you and I. I was talking to someone the other day about hurt I was feeling from my family. He said, "Just switch them off." I said, "What does that mean?" He said, "I can switch my emotions off and they're gone." I was confused. I said, "Do you mean you compartmentalize but at some point revisit it?" He said, "No, I just switch it off and never go there again." I couldn't fathom that. Just like your ex, you and I process emotions a certain way. Your ex processes her emotions a certain way. And with her list of issues and the possibility that she has BPD traits, it's even harder to understand the whys and hows. It's not worth you focusing on that but chanelling your energy into fixing you and why you tolerated all that. Edited April 22, 2014 by Zahara
Author Line44 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Well, if you go back and read all the things that you said about her, how does one with that sort of mindset feel and process healthy emotional feelings towards the loss of a partner? You're trying to project how you feel on her and that is not wise because she's coming from a different place. She doesn't translate missing, loving, caring, loss the way you do. Yes, she may feel some sort of loss but when you're hardwired a certain way, most likely the way she feels and relates to emotions is very different from you and I. I was talking to someone the other day about hurt I was feeling from my family. He said, "Just switch them off." I said, "What does that mean?" He said, "I can switch my emotions off and they're gone." I was confused. I said, "Do you mean you compartmentalize but at some point revisit it?" He said, "No, I just switch it off and never go there again." I couldn't fathom that. Just like your ex, you and I process emotions a certain way. Your ex processes her emotions a certain way. And with her list of issues and the possibility that she has BPD traits, it's even harder to understand the whys and hows. It's not worth you focusing on that but chanelling your energy into fixing you and why you tolerated all that. Thank you Zahara, you are very wise. I have said something similar all my life when it comes to discussing emotions with others, especially the loss of a loved one in terms of relationships. If there was only a switch I could flip to turn them on or off I would. I do need to introspect more and try to realize why I put up with what I did. I do feel that she only used me as a rebound from her ex and as a base to jump from once she figured out what she really wanted to do, which turned out to be getting back with her ex. I shouldn't have invested myself so much in her emotionally. That's my fault and a lesson learned in life.
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