First Date aftermath [update]

[Zahara]

"My gut tells me he is in the wrong here, he cannot pick up after 1 week if silence and say come out last min with my mates and expect me to trotalong."

 

The thing is, he does and you engage. Contact is sporadic and he keeps inviting you to hang out with his friends. You accept it everytime you entertain contact. What would "wrong" mean when you keep engaging in the cycle?

 

"I find it very rude that he has not replied, the kids are not not an excuse."

 

Again, he's done this before. So what's your excuse for engaging? Isn't that rude if you're still going back and forth with this.

 

"Not sure why he called at all, ithas confused me again."

 

He probably called because you're someone he knows he can call if he needs company. In some way I'm wondering if he's just going through the motions with you because, well, you're just there.

[so gutted]

All correct.

 

If he is so busy why bother at all with me?

 

I have met him quickly (gone with the flow) before on a one to one basis not with his mates.

 

I will leave it and not intiate contact again.

 

Thank you all.

[Zahara]

All correct.

 

If he is so busy why bother at all with me?

 

I have met him quickly (gone with the flow) before on a one to one basis not with his mates.

 

I will leave it and not intiate contact again.

 

Thank you all.

 

As I said, he's probably too busy to date and since you're willing to just stand by and be someone he can call at the last minute for company to hang out, why not keep you there?

 

You say you will leave it and not initiate contact. Then he will contact you in a week, you'll engage and you'll be back asking the same questions. You either cut this one loose permanently or keep the cycle going.

[so gutted]

As I said, he's probably too busy to date and since you're willing to just stand by and be someone he can call at the last minute for company to hang out, why not keep you there?

 

You say you will leave it and not initiate contact. Then he will contact you in a week, you'll engage and you'll be back asking the same questions. You either cut this one loose permanently or keep the cycle going.

 

I doubt he will call, he is looking very rude even for a friendship. I'm going off him.

[Zahara]

I doubt he will call, he is looking very rude even for a friendship. I'm going off him.

 

He'll call. This is a pattern. And don't go off on him. He really hasn't done anything that you haven't condoned yourself to suddenly call him out on. I mean, you guys haven't even kissed.

[scorpiogirl]

He's not interested. Move on.

[so gutted]

Why would he call if he cannot reply to a text.

 

I will not pick it up. If he tries harder yes but right now he is acting rude.

 

He led me on, 4 dates and now nothing.

[Zahara]

Why would he call if he cannot reply to a text.

 

I will not pick it up. If he tries harder yes but right now he is acting rude.

 

He led me on, 4 dates and now nothing.

 

You need to stop looking at little details like call versus text. Doesn't mean much when it's taking him a week to resume communication.

 

He didn't lead you on. I've said this before. This is what you call dating. If it's not working for you, move on. It's your fault if you keep putting up with semi-interest or lack thereof. You better have thicker skin because 4 dates with zero physical contact and it's sending you off with the "leading me on" is rather unreasonable. he's not obligated to you nor are you to him. You just met 4 times.

[MidwestUSA]

He'll call. This is a pattern. And don't go off on him. He really hasn't done anything that you haven't condoned yourself to suddenly call him out on. I mean, you guys haven't even kissed.

 

She didn't say 'go off on' (which is part of the problem, her inability to speak up). She's 'going off' him.

 

 

Agree, go off, do not engage, ignore texts if you can't even have a conversation and get another date out of him. (Altho I don't recall, did you try asking him out?)

[Zahara]

She didn't say 'go off on' (which is part of the problem, her inability to speak up). She's 'going off' him.

 

 

Agree, go off, do not engage, ignore texts if you can't even have a conversation and get another date out of him. (Altho I don't recall, did you try asking him out?)

 

I taught it was a typo. I'm not sure what "going off" means but if it's to go dark, then yes -- go dark.

[MidwestUSA]

I taught it was a typo. I'm not sure what "going off" means but if it's to go dark, then yes -- go dark.

 

That's the way I took it. Like me 'going off' liquor!

(Not gonna happen. )

[so gutted]

I taught it was a typo. I'm not sure what "going off" means but if it's to go dark, then yes -- go dark.

 

Did not ask him

Out, didnt get the chance. I think he is childish. 45 years old with 2 kids and no clarity.

[Zahara]

Did not ask him

Out, didnt get the chance. I think he is childish. 45 years old with 2 kids and no clarity.

 

If you think he's childish and has no clarity, then all the more you should end this all.

[Chocolat]

SG, I am vaguely aware of your post history here and I think you need to do some self-work before you resume dating. You seem to go into each new dating experience with the mind-set that it will lead to marriage and babies, and that there is a prescribed formula the man must follow.

 

Dating should be fun, not stressful. If the first few dates aren't to your liking, that just means you should find someone else to date. Getting hung up on any one person to the point where you are feeling hurt or angry etc., is counter-productive. This guy hasn't done anything wrong. He certainly hasn't led you on. You've had a handful of dates and it's not a match. Ok, so move on and quit worrying about it.

 

If the tension and insecurity you give off in your posts here is evident in your f2f interactions with men, then I think it is going to be very difficult for you to achieve the dating outcome you desire.

[so gutted]

I am full if tension, it goes beyond him.

 

My sensible side has kicked in. He was never fully interested and I habe had a lot more attention.

 

I think he has led me on & is isnt blameless because he set up 4 dates, of course i was led on by implication. Not a crime but not good, why not disappear after the first date?

 

I am hurt and angry because i am back at square one after a glimmer of hope, hopeless hope.

 

I need to take a break from dating but i get very restless and worried.

[Chocolat]

I am full if tension, it goes beyond him.

 

Why is that? What steps are you taking to reduce your tension? It's not just bad for your dating life but for your overall health.

 

My sensible side has kicked in. He was never fully interested and I habe had a lot more attention.

 

Great! Pursue some of those other sources of attention.

 

 

I think he has led me on & is isnt blameless because he set up 4 dates, of course i was led on by implication. Not a crime but not good, why not disappear after the first date?

 

Maybe he was hoping you would warm up? Maybe he liked you and wanted to give it a go? What I think you are losing sight of is that you are half the equation here. Yes, it's possible he wasn't interested from the start but, if that were the case, I think he would have bailed after the first date. That he didn't suggests he had some interest but it's possible that the lukewarm and/or needy response you provided (didn't you write that you sent hmi a broken heart emoticon after the 2nd date or some such thing?) put him off.

 

I am hurt and angry because i am back at square one after a glimmer of hope, hopeless hope.

 

I think it is great to go into dating optimistically! But this is not the same as going into it with a desperate feeling that it must lead to marriage or else all has been lost. I am concerned that your attitude is the latter rather than the former, and that this is communicated to the men you date.

 

 

I need to take a break from dating but i get very restless and worried.

 

This is maybe not a bad idea. Find your own self and happiness. Once that's worked out, you will be in a much better position to date.

[Trimmer]

I am full if tension, it goes beyond him.

I think this is a very important concept for you to explore and try to understand.

[jbelle6]

This thread reads like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.

 

 

 

OP, first, you had no reason to remove your dating profile after a couple of dates, especially if you were not physical. You should have it up until you have a talk about being exclusive.

 

You shouldn't accept last minute invitations all the time, you should have said you were busy, not telling you to play games, but you should have actually had other plans booked with other dates/friends/family/hobbies. It seemed like you were sitting at home with no life waiting for him. You need to show that you are in high demand.

 

Some of the stuff you texted sounded naggy and bossy to me. A 45 year old man doesn't want that.

 

I will bet 100% that your desperation came through loud and clear on your dates. Were you fun to be around at all? When you described the dates it sounded like you were interviewing him for a job. Do you even know anything about him? Did you ask about things he enjoys? When you talk about him you just say he paid for 4 dates, he owns his own business, he has kids and a "grand" house. The dates are supposed to be a fun diversion from a hectic day, not more work.

 

I am not trying to be mean to you, just showing you how it all comes across to outsiders.

[so gutted]

This thread reads like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.

 

 

 

OP, first, you had no reason to remove your dating profile after a couple of dates, especially if you were not physical. You should have it up until you have a talk about being exclusive.

 

You shouldn't accept last minute invitations all the time, you should have said you were busy, not telling you to play games, but you should have actually had other plans booked with other dates/friends/family/hobbies. It seemed like you were sitting at home with no life waiting for him. You need to show that you are in high demand.

 

Some of the stuff you texted sounded naggy and bossy to me. A 45 year old man doesn't want that.

 

I will bet 100% that your desperation came through loud and clear on your dates. Were you fun to be around at all? When you described the dates it sounded like you were interviewing him for a job. Do you even know anything about him? Did you ask about things he enjoys? When you talk about him you just say he paid for 4 dates, he owns his own business, he has kids and a "grand" house. The dates are supposed to be a fun diversion from a hectic day, not more work.

 

I am not trying to be mean to you, just showing you how it all comes across to outsiders.

 

I agree with you. I probably came across naggy and goal focused. It doesnt excuse his behaviour and him ignoring my texts and calling when it suits him.

 

I think he would have backed away regardless because he was never really chasing me.

[Zahara]

I agree with you. I probably came across naggy and goal focused. It doesnt excuse his behaviour and him ignoring my texts and calling when it suits him.

 

I think he would have backed away regardless because he was never really chasing me.

 

SG, you really need to change your perception of dating. This mindset that you're in is only going to sabotage your chances with men.

 

Remove those expectations. Yes, we all have plans and we want what we want but you don't have to project them when you're fresh into the courtship process.

 

It doesn't matter anymore what he did wrong and what he didn't. Take this as a lesson and just try to be yourself and have fun with it. You're taking all the burdens and expectations your family have placed on you into your dates. Leave that crap at home, better yet chuck it out!

[Untouched]

I don't even understand. Isn't it normal in dating to go out a couple of times only? It just didn't go anywhere, right? If you liked him I understand feeling bad that it didn't, but it's okay, nothing ventured nothing gained! Forget about it!

[so gutted]

I don't even understand. Isn't it normal in dating to go out a couple of times only? It just didn't go anywhere, right? If you liked him I understand feeling bad that it didn't, but it's okay, nothing ventured nothing gained! Forget about it!

 

Most of my dates have been first dates only, a few second dates... To get to 4 dates and things going well seemed to be good. Is it any wonder I am left a bit wounded. Even platonic dates, meant something. It was a bit cruel of him to cut off but there is nothing i can do.

[MidwestUSA]

Most of my dates have been first dates only, a few second dates... To get to 4 dates and things going well seemed to be good. Is it any wonder I am left a bit wounded. Even platonic dates, meant something. It was a bit cruel of him to cut off but there is nothing i can do.

 

You say he cut off, but he did eventually call or text you again. And when he did, your response was less than enthusiastic (because you sat there brooding about how long it took him). Imagine if you'd said 'hey! you've taken me out four times, this one's on me!'. Then name the date, time and place you're going to take him.

 

 

Is it a cultural thing that you just don't initiate or go after what you want? Because if so, the problem isn't going to be limited to this guy. You are the one giving off the impression that you're not interested. You probably would have gotten a little bit of physical affection on those dates if you'd put out the right signals. You want him to do all the work, take you out, and get to the married expecting a baby part while skipping all the fun of the courtship that gets you there!

[so gutted]

You say he cut off, but he did eventually call or text you again. And when he did, your response was less than enthusiastic (because you sat there brooding about how long it took him). Imagine if you'd said 'hey! you've taken me out four times, this one's on me!'. Then name the date, time and place you're going to take him.

 

 

Is it a cultural thing that you just don't initiate or go after what you want? Because if so, the problem isn't going to be limited to this guy. You are the one giving off the impression that you're not interested. You probably would have gotten a little bit of physical affection on those dates if you'd put out the right signals. You want him to do all the work, take you out, and get to the married expecting a baby part while skipping all the fun of the courtship that gets you there!

 

 

I'm not sure its all my fault, his communication is poor. Each text started with sorry.. Meaning sorry it took me all day to reply.

 

I was a passing interest.

[so gutted]

I think his mate ( who turned up at the last date) probably had a say.

 

Its been 5 days. I have no idea whether he took his kids on holiday or not as he indicated. A normal person would say.

 

When I initiated he did not respond. I asked how he was 3 times - no reply.

 

Previously someone here said call him

To account for disappearing now you are indicating i should forget about the week absence...

 

He should be chasing me and never has, i just had a few calls and meetings ...