Author so gutted Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Ok, then quit complaining about it. You decide. If you are done with this rude and ambivalent man, then you cut contact and start fresh. Go out and date again. Enough of engaging with this guy. If you're already so affected after 4 more so platonic dates, then it would be best to cut your losses and start over. I thought 4 dates indicated interest? He paid...
Zahara Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I thought 4 dates indicated interest? He paid... God, SG. This is going in circles. When posters say he is interested, you say how come he doesn't do ABC. When we say he may not be interested and that if this is not working for you, move on, you say but he does ABC so he is interested. I swear you're chasing your own tail. If you're not getting the response you want from this guy, you need to start dating others. Whether you had 4 dates or 40 dates, if you are not getting much back or there is no forward progression and it is creating so much of negativity within you, let it go and start fresh. 7
Author so gutted Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 God, SG. This is going in circles. When posters say he is interested, you say how come he doesn't do ABC. When we say he may not be interested and that if this is not working for you, move on, you say but he does ABC so he is interested. I swear you're chasing your own tail. If you're not getting the response you want from this guy, you need to start dating others. Whether you had 4 dates or 40 dates, if you are not getting much back or there is no forward progression and it is creating so much of negativity within you, let it go and start fresh. Ok - thanks. For the record he just replied. Said he has been busy with the kids. It is half term holiday. Anyway - i have learnt my lesson, i'm not a priority and its not good enough.
Zahara Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Ok - thanks. For the record he just replied. Said he has been busy with the kids. It is half term holiday. Anyway - i have learnt my lesson, i'm not a priority and its not good enough. Yes, if this isn't good enough for you, move on. Try to expand your dating pool.
MidwestUSA Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Ok - thanks. For the record he just replied. Said he has been busy with the kids. It is half term holiday. Anyway - i have learnt my lesson, i'm not a priority and its not good enough. You didn't exactly send a text ASKING HIM OUT! He's paid for four dates! Can you tell us what your cultural baggage is? Because I really don't understand the circles you're going in here. Is your 'I'm not good enough. I'm not a priority' attitude related to that baggage? FTR, his kids will ALWAYS be his priority. 3
Author so gutted Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 You didn't exactly send a text ASKING HIM OUT! He's paid for four dates! Can you tell us what your cultural baggage is? Because I really don't understand the circles you're going in here. Is your 'I'm not good enough. I'm not a priority' attitude related to that baggage? FTR, his kids will ALWAYS be his priority. I am scared to be tracked down on here, i have revealed a lot. Anyway here is some info which may help you to understand my head: I am from an north indian family. Everyone i know my age is married or twice married. My wider family have a lot of influence, and they bully my parents and be little them regularly because i am not married. I stopped dating indian men years ago because they did not treat me well and i found them to be hypocrites. I have dated non asians for a long while but i stil have intimacy issues because this has been forbidden from my childhood. The cultural bullying has ruined my life. Its difficult to explain the power these bullies have.
Author so gutted Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 My parents are old and ill. They do not bully me but want to see my settled becore they die.
Zahara Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I am scared to be tracked down on here, i have revealed a lot. Anyway here is some info which may help you to understand my head: I am from an north indian family. Everyone i know my age is married or twice married. My wider family have a lot of influence, and they bully my parents and be little them regularly because i am not married. I stopped dating indian men years ago because they did not treat me well and i found them to be hypocrites. I have dated non asians for a long while but i stil have intimacy issues because this has been forbidden from my childhood. The cultural bullying has ruined my life. Its difficult to explain the power these bullies have. Culturally, I understand. I've experienced the nosy, upstart and judgemental relatives that poke, frown and cast you as a misfit, in a very negative light because you're not abiding by their social norms. I'm divorced and when I go back home, my mother actually lies to relatives and friends because she is ashamed that I'm divorced and have no children, worst of all I'm in my 40s. I get it. You cannot allow how people feel and view you to influence how you live your life. I get that your parents want to see you settled and happy but sometimes life doesn't hand you everything in a nice little package. It's normal for every parent, not just yours and not just because of your culture to want to see their child married, kids and white picket fence. It's something they just have to accept and it isn't your responsibility to help them deal with it nor should you feel guilty for how you are living your life. If you allow these pressures to influence your life, you'll constantly be living your life for others. Cultural bullying is what it is. You just have to accept that sometimes people are stuck in tradition and close minded thinking rather than being able to be open minded enough to accept that life sometimes doesn't always work out as planned and being successful in life doesn't always mean being married and having babies. 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 (edited) In reading through your thread, I have noticed that you tend to place responsibility on everyone else for your issues & emotions. Listen, only you can determine who and what will affect you. Family, your past, the men you date/dated - It seems you've given your power to every one of them. We all have a past, a history, baggage and a story to tell. Many of us have been bullied, abused, loved, hated...this is life..we're all traveling on our own journey. At some point you have to rise above and stop playing the victim. Your past has shaped you, influenced you, scarred you but will you let it continue to hold you down? You need to understand that you have a power within you to take control of your life. People will be people. They will hate, annoy, pester, and more..but YOU have the power to let it affect you or not. Several posters have mentioned that you need to be focusing resolving your internal issues. LISTEN to them. You gripe about this man you're dating not reaching out to you every minute of every day even though he has detailed how busy he is with his own business and his kids. Where is your understanding? You complain about not seeing or talking to him as much as you want yet you take zero initiative to reach out to him. How about making HIM feel wanted? Again, if you want it, go get it. He's given enough of himself to show that he's interested (NOT in love, but INTERESTED)..what have you done besides sit on your hands and over analyze a text or the absence of a text? What have you done to show that you're really interested? What I'm saying is to understand that you are not powerless. You have the power to make yourself happy. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness...so take action. Stop living in your head and playing victim. Good luck. Edited May 22, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove 2
Author so gutted Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Culturally, I understand. I've experienced the nosy, upstart and judgemental relatives that poke, frown and cast you as a misfit, in a very negative light because you're not abiding by their social norms. I'm divorced and when I go back home, my mother actually lies to relatives and friends because she is ashamed that I'm divorced and have no children, worst of all I'm in my 40s. I get it. You cannot allow how people feel and view you to influence how you live your life. I get that your parents want to see you settled and happy but sometimes life doesn't hand you everything in a nice little package. It's normal for every parent, not just yours and not just because of your culture to want to see their child married, kids and white picket fence. It's something they just have to accept and it isn't your responsibility to help them deal with it nor should you feel guilty for how you are living your life. If you allow these pressures to influence your life, you'll constantly be living your life for others. Cultural bullying is what it is. You just have to accept that sometimes people are stuck in tradition and close minded thinking rather than being able to be open minded enough to accept that life sometimes doesn't always work out as planned and being successful in life doesn't always mean being married and having babies. Thank you. I bottle this all up as its hard to find anyone to understand this and i do not want to be a victim but this is why i get invested so easily, i'm looking fir the way out under time pressure.
Author so gutted Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 In reading through your thread, I have noticed that you tend to place responsibility on everyone else for your issues & emotions. Listen, only you can determine who and what will affect you. Family, your past, the men you date/dated - It seems you've given your power to every one of them. We all have a past, a history, baggage and a story to tell. Many of us have been bullied, abused, loved, hated...this is life..we're all traveling on our own journey. At some point you have to rise above and stop playing the victim. Your past has shaped you, influenced you, scarred you but will you let it continue to hold you down? You need to understand that you have a power within you to take control of your life. People will be people. They will hate, annoy, pester, and more..but YOU have the power to let it affect you or not. Several posters have mentioned that you need to be focusing resolving your internal issues. LISTEN to them. You gripe about this man you're dating not reaching out to you every minute of every day even though he has detailed how busy he is with his own business and his kids. Where is your understanding? You complain about not seeing or talking to him as much as you want yet you take zero initiative to reach out to him. How about making HIM feel wanted? Again, if you want it, go get it. He's given enough of himself to show that he's interested (NOT in love, but INTERESTED)..what have you done besides sit on your hands and over analyze a text or the absence of a text? What have you done to show that you're really interested? What I'm saying is to understand that you are not powerless. You have the power to make yourself happy. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness...so take action. Stop living in your head and playing victim. Good luck. All very good advice. I will really try with this. How do i reach out? What can i say to retrieve the situation? Should i ask outright when is he free?
Zahara Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you. I bottle this all up as its hard to find anyone to understand this and i do not want to be a victim but this is why i get invested so easily, i'm looking fir the way out under time pressure. The only one that makes you a victim is you. If you don't allow yourself to be influenced by how others view you, there will be no pressure. 1
Author so gutted Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 He just called. Just when i had deleted all his messages. He did not leave a vmail. Not sure what to do now? How long before i call him back? Would he call to fully dump me? I want to ask him where the hell he has been but its obvious there is an issue.... What do i do?
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 I returned his call 3 hours later. He picked up the phone quickly. He was very normal, no big announcement. Had just finished a job and asked me if i wanted to join him (and mates) at an event. He asked a few times. I said no as it was all his make friends ( and last minute i thought). I joked that i was not one of his boys. He said he knew that. I mentioned that he had "disappeared again" he said he had spent time with his kids and gone to sleep at 8 with them. He got another call and said he would callback. I was then driving and told him this. Nothing since. I'm a bit confused, a half hearted call a week later...?
MidwestUSA Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 He asked a few times because he wanted you there, and you punted. He's not going to call back. You blew that one. I give up.
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 It was short notice and i had plans...he asked me with 3 hours notice...
Trimmer Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 A relationship, in the early stages, is a little bit delicate. Not impossibly fragile, but delicate. Most people handle this with some degree of flexibility, softness, and ability to go with the flow. I'm afraid that you are so skittish, and what we call in engineering "high gain", that you are destined to take this delicate thing and eventually break it. Or strangle it, or twist it until it is unrecognizable, or something like this. I don't think there's one piece of advice I can give you as to "what do I do now?" that's going to solve your problem. It seems to be that your whole approach is so jittery, so all-over-the-place. Even if we could lead you through making the next date work somehow, then what happens after you invest more of yourself but then some time later, he doesn't respond to a text for 12 hours, and you go back into a spiral? 3
Author so gutted Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 A relationship, in the early stages, is a little bit delicate. Not impossibly fragile, but delicate. Most people handle this with some degree of flexibility, softness, and ability to go with the flow. I'm afraid that you are so skittish, and what we call in engineering "high gain", that you are destined to take this delicate thing and eventually break it. Or strangle it, or twist it until it is unrecognizable, or something like this. I don't think there's one piece of advice I can give you as to "what do I do now?" that's going to solve your problem. It seems to be that your whole approach is so jittery, so all-over-the-place. Even if we could lead you through making the next date work somehow, then what happens after you invest more of yourself but then some time later, he doesn't respond to a text for 12 hours, and you go back into a spiral? Could you just tell me what im doing wrong? Previously when i went i turned up to same day dates you all said wht did you agree so quickly? He asked me with no notice and after a weeks silence... How am i in the wrong?
MidwestUSA Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 It was short notice and i had plans...he asked me with 3 hours notice... You didn't mention in the prior post that you had plans. You just said it was because he was going to be with guy friends. Nothing wrong with that, you might even meet someone else you like. But, if you had plans, okay. It wouldn't have hurt to ask him for an alternate date/time, since it did sound like he wanted to see you. He said he'd call back. Did you say 'Great! Give me fifteen minutes, I'll be home and settled in'? Or did you just say 'I'm driving'. If so, can you see how you just put him off? Skittish is a good word, thanks, Trimmer. OP, if you can go with the flow just once, do it.
Author so gutted Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Thanks. So yesterday i texted him saying how did the night go? Sorry i had made other plans xx No reply.. He did say when i spoke to him on sat that he may take his kids away for a week but hadnt decided yet. How do i get basic communication going again if he does not answer?
Author so gutted Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 I am skittish but that is because he is very on and off.
Zahara Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 So yesterday i texted him saying how did the night go? Sorry i had made other plans xx How do i get basic communication going again if he does not answer? You decline and say you don't want to be one of the guys and then you change your story and say that you had plans. He says he will call you back and you say you're driving, which to me sounds like you're saying don't call because I'm driving. SG, let this one go. Even if he has his kids, it's not that hard to send a text to you. You're not getting what you want from this guy and the other glaring part is your inability to communicate and to just be yourself. A part of me wonders if he's behaving based on how you're presenting yourself and that is why this is going in circles. Another part of me wonders if this is just platonic as he keeps inviting you at the last minute, mostly when his friends are around. The thing is, if he is so busy and he has no time to date, then he shouldn't be dating, or he should just date women that are on that same wavelength. If you are looking for more and want to progress to a full relationship, this is certainly not the guy for you. As I said before, start dating others and stop placing all your focus and attention on this one. And there is no need for you to get basic communication going again. If you have to work so hard at establishing communication, then that is your sign. 1
Author so gutted Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 You decline and say you don't want to be one of the guys and then you change your story and say that you had plans. He says he will call you back and you say you're driving, which to me sounds like you're saying don't call because I'm driving. SG, let this one go. Even if he has his kids, it's not that hard to send a text to you. You're not getting what you want from this guy and the other glaring part is your inability to communicate and to just be yourself. A part of me wonders if he's behaving based on how you're presenting yourself and that is why this is going in circles. Another part of me wonders if this is just platonic as he keeps inviting you at the last minute, mostly when his friends are around. The thing is, if he is so busy and he has no time to date, then he shouldn't be dating, or he should just date women that are on that same wavelength. If you are looking for more and want to progress to a full relationship, this is certainly not the guy for you. As I said before, start dating others and stop placing all your focus and attention on this one. And there is no need for you to get basic communication going again. If you have to work so hard at establishing communication, then that is your sign. I agree and this is why i am unsure why others are advising to go with the flow and go last minute with his mates. My gut tells me he is in the wrong here, he cannot pick up after 1 week if silence and say come out last min with my mates and expect me to trotalong. I find it very rude that he has not replied, the kids are not not an excuse. Not sure why he called at all, ithas confused me again.
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