Does infidelity run in families?

[notserene]

My WH's dad had an affair and left his mom for another woman.

 

My mother in law was (and is) a very difficult person. She is an alcoholic and my husband's childhood was full of fighting and chaos.

 

Even though his stepmom (OW) is a much more stable person than his mom, he HATED her for years. She's the woman who broke up the family. He isn't close to her even now. He doesn't have a great relationship with his mom either. His father is dead.

 

I find it confusing that he would risk putting his own kids through that by having an affair, even a short one.

 

I've heard it's pretty common for kids who grow up in marriages where there is infidelity to cheat on their spouses. Does anyone have any insight?

[MadJackBird]

If you consider having inappropriate relationships and lack of boundaries to be a different type of addiction or mental health problem then yes I could see it being genetic.

 

My former wife had a bunch of different addictions, when she ended one she just started a different one. Yes having inappropriate relationships was an addiction for her.

[hard2c]

Half of all people have the DRD4 gene that makes them vulnerable to infidelity and cheating. Xww probably had this gene even though she spent years in 12 step claiming to have rewired her thoughts, offered no deterrence towards her infidelity.

[TheBladeRunner]

Can't say if it's genetic or behavioral, but w/ both XW's they had family that cheated and had addiction issues.

[painfullyobvious]

I would think there would be much more of an environmental factor than a genetic one. Like an alcoholic parent who displays drinking as something an adult does the same for infidelity. We are such imitators and impressionable as children. We model and learn what we see in our environment. If our mother or father cheat we learn this behavior and it becomes part of our psyche.

 

I know so many people who made statements like my father was never there for me I would never do that as they sired a couple children and later left. Repeating similar patterns they observed as children. My opinion infidelity is like any other behavior that is learned in families. We remember the negative feelings as children and state we would not wish that feeling on anyone but how often do we witness children of alcoholics, abuse, drugs and abandonment replay themselves out in those children? Being a witness to infidelity as a child definitely increases the chances that child will reenact that behavior as an adult.

[Raena]

I don't know if it is genetic or if it's because of the way they were raised. I do know that divorce and infidelity certainly does have an impact on the children. I see it as a ripple effect.

 

My grandparents had a messy divorce caused by infidelity and abuse. They had 5 children together. Of those 5 children, every single one of them have had at least one if not two failed marriages. Some more than two. Some were because of infidelity, some were because of abuse, some for other reasons.

 

Each of those 5 children had at least 2 children, some more. Their children in turn have all also had several problems with marriage and/or making poor relationship choices. I have many cousins, not even sure what the total number is at this point, but of those many cousins I can think of only 2 that have married once and stayed married. The rest have had one problem after another... infidelity, abuse, children out of wedlock so on and so on and so on.

 

So you tell me... is it genetic? I don't think so. I think it's all about the experiences each of these people have had. Where were the good role models showing what it's like to find that one person that fits for you and then making the relationship work through the good and the bad? There are none. My grandparent's divorce effected their children, which in turn effected their children, and yet again are effecting their great grandchildren. If I could go further back into my history, I bet I'd find examples of difficulty in my grandparents upbringing as well.

[carhill]

I was never exposed to it during socialization but massive doses of observing it during and post peer-integration skewed that socialization to the point where I came to see the example set prior as some sort of bizzare exception/anomaly.

 

IME, with self-admitted unfaithful individuals, they have related some form of exposure during socialization, whether solely or in concert with other anti-social behaviors, such as being abused or molested. IMO, combinative situations can exist where such abuses warp personal boundaries, even if infidelity isn't the prime motivator. YMMV.

[kjohn]

My Ex was never exposed to infidelity as a child, teen or even as a young adult. His childhood was relatively normal with no major issues, fighting or chaos.

 

His father cheated on his mother when he was in his mid-30's (his father was in his 50's at the time). We were married at the time…happily….or so I thought.

 

We had MANY long conversations about his father's indiscretion. During all of those conversations he would tell me that he hated his father for what he did to his mother. That the sight of his father sickened him. That he just couldn't understand how he could do such a thing.

 

Then he turned around and did the same thing to me.

 

So go figure….

[dichotomy]

Like most things there can be either or both genetic or environmental influenced.

 

I know for a fact my wife's unhealthy sexual and adulterous behavior was influenced a great deal by finding out her dad had been cheating on her mom for years. She could not reconcile a father she loved and admired cheating on her mom with so many women for so long. Unable to blame her father for not being loving towards her mom she got convinced adultery was not a big deal and is "normal"

[MissBee]

I doubt it's genetic but certainly it's been proven that if you've grown up in a household where particular things have been modeled for you you'll often end up repeating them, either by choosing those behaviors yourself, or choosing partners who exhibit some element of this behavior your parents modeled. It is often subconscious and not anything people think about, but it's an insidious influence and what they learn as their normal.

 

My dad is a serial cheater and clearly emotionally unavailable and unreliable in many ways...as serially cheating is usually a series of other behaviors as well, and that influenced my own relationship to men. I didn't think about it until about 4 years ago I realized, while embarking upon my next unavailable relationship, and having been the OW myself, that many of the men I chose to be with reminded me of my dad in many ways and although I consciously said I would NEVER choose someone like him, I did....over and over. I was angry at myself and angry when I realized just how much this kind of thing influences you without your permission and takes lots and lots of conscious effort to work through. You don't ask for the influence but it seeps into your psyche and then to get it out takes a lot of work and sometimes you never fully get over it. Not only did it influence my own relationships and eventual stint as OW, I also realized I was fearful of becoming a cheater myself and remained emotionally unavailable and commitment phobic in my own way because I was overcompensating because I didn't want to be like him...as well as on the other end overcompensating in relationships due to not wanting to be like my mother who was with a cheater, yet somehow finding myself in predicaments that were similar.

 

As Raena pointed out, these influences can be generational too unfortunately. My mom's dad wasn't around in her life neither was my father's dad and both of their parents were philandering, so it is no surprise why my dad had no idea of a good model of a man and healthy relationships with women likewise my mom's own absentee father who was also philandering and unreliable probably influenced her own decision in choosing my dad who perhaps reminds her of her own in some way, yet I'm sure she doesn't think about it or connect the dots...but I see it clearly.

 

So not genetic but certainly like with abuse, addictions, infidelity, there are often patterns and people who've grown up around it have a higher chance of either doing it too or choosing partners who engage in those behaviors.

Edited April 21, 2014 by MissBee

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I'd does in mine

..Both my parents cheated...my maternal grandfather was a serial cheat and even had an OC...my sister (who may or may not be an an OC and doesnt know) left her husband for a MOM and they had a baby 2 weeks ago...I've cheated on relationships in the past. Am dangerously tempted to now.

 

Just too many narcissists, broken children and messed up coping mechanisms. The infidelity wasn't hereditary...The dysfunction was.

Edited April 21, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[Quiet Storm]

I'd does in mine

..Both my parents cheated...my maternal grandfather was a serial cheat and even had an OC...my sister (who may or may not be an an OC and doesnt know) left her husband for a MOM and they had a baby 2 weeks ago...I've cheated on relationships in the past. Am dangerously tempted to now.

 

Just too many narcissists, broken children and messed up coping mechanisms. The infidelity wasn't hereditary...The dysfunction was.

 

Yes. It's the dysfunction that trickles down, and manifests in different ways. Addictions, infidelity, abuse, codependency, triangulation.

 

Dysfunctional families are very common. This issue is why chose the quote below. Coming from a functional and emotionally healthy family gives us a good foundation in life. We often dont realize how much it has affected us until well into adulthood (if ever).

[shet]

I've noticed such, yes. I'm constant as the northern star and my parents were faithful despite being totally loveless most of my life. Some of my friends are serial cheaters though, and what unites them all is a broken home, a ****ty cheating dad and a worthless mother who spent her time on her own appearance and spreading her legs at the sports club. Most of them aren't even ashamed of cheating, they think it's part of life, even the married ones, even the married with kids ones.

 

Funny thing is these guys vary wildly in looks from handsome to ****ing trollish but they never have a problem keeping multiple women on the go, a marked difference from guys I know who don't cheat who generally struggle to meet women. One might almost conclude something about that.

[roger136913]

My Mom was the first person who I did not tell, knew I was having one. I asked Her how she knew? She said Your Father had the same Look. He cheated before I was Born. My Dad died when I was 3 1/2 years Old.

 

She told me He cheated about 7 years in and never did it again, I cheated at the 7 year mark and we stayed together for 18 more years and never ever did it again.

[janedoe67]

Half of all people have the DRD4 gene that makes them vulnerable to infidelity and cheating. Xww probably had this gene even though she spent years in 12 step claiming to have rewired her thoughts, offered no deterrence towards her infidelity.

 

The "infidelity gene" is mythical. This is ridiculous....though not surprising.

[janedoe67]

There is zero infidelity in my family. Not my parents, not my grandparents, no aunts or uncles. So no, I think it is not genetic. And what a horrible thing to try to foist onto my kids.

[BHsigh]

I was exposed to a high level of cheating and had a dysfunctional family, my dad married his AP and ignored me and my two sisters and our kids in preference of his daughter with ap and the grandchildren that she gave him.

 

It only served to make me hate infidelity even more, and my family's dysfunction only served to make me want to move away from them. So no, it didn't run in my family because I have never cheated and never will.

 

The history of infidelity and its sometimes deadly repercussions in my family have served to make me immune, in a sense. All I would have to do is picture my dad finding my cousin in his car with a bullet hole in his left temple and a large part of his right face missing after he was shot by the BS of his OW to straighten me right up.