cdt76 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Broke up with a girl after dating for two months. I broke it off after I snooped her phone to find a text to some other dude from her saying "good night you good looking sexy man". I was actually asleep in her bed when she wrote that. Anyway, broke it off and basically called her out as a liar. Funny thing is when a cheater or liar gets caught, they try to use your actions of breaking up, as the reason they cheated in the first place. Which makes no sense. What brought this up is because she said to me: "it just affirms every reason I wouldn't want to be with you". I just love how liars and cheaters try and justify their actions and instead of taking responsibility they try and put the blame on you. It was my fault for invading her privacy. It was my fault for making "assumptions". It was my fault for being bitter. It isn't hard to walk away from this trainwreck but it just flabbergasts me about the shear lack of accountability.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Cheating is bad, yes, it is a complete violation of trust and cheaters know it. But to stop themselves from feeling like a bad person they justify it. Sure I cheated but he didn't pay enough attention to me...so techically it wasn't my fault! When people (who don't happen to be utter and complete sociopaths) do something bad, they tend to feel bad about it. People don't like feeling bad about their actions. When one acts in a morally repugnant manner and gets caught outright, one of the hardest things in the world to do is own up to it. It's just so much easier when they can find a scapegoat. Of couse that behavior isn't even specific to cheaters. Thieves, con artists, and criminals of any kind often justify their actions, even to the point where it defies logic. But as long as they don't feel as scummy as they probably are, they don't care. 1
Author cdt76 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 You are so right. That was something else I brought up to her, which was her complete lack of being sorry. And you are right, these people are either so egocentric and self-centered or sociopaths. It's sad because these people may have good jobs, highly intelligent and motivated but their emotional attachment to others is completely foul. And pointing it out to them does no good. They just use your words as further justification of their own betrayal.
Itspointless Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 To me the sentence '"good night you good looking sexy man" alone wouldn't be a reason to break up for me. Context is important here. I know extroverted woman in relationships that I trust to be faithful who could say this to male friends. Don't know if she was cheating, but it sounds you guys had different viewpoints of things the least. 1
Author cdt76 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 She never said anything like that to me so if someone doesn't look at me like I'm bacon and they are hungry then I'm out. Plus she didn't deny any of her actions. And yes, it's well beyond anything I would need to break up with her. We had just had the exclusive talk the day before. So yeah, that crossed the line.
zyketti Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 To me the sentence '"good night you good looking sexy man" alone wouldn't be a reason to break up for me. Context is important here. I know extroverted woman in relationships that I trust to be faithful who could say this to male friends. Don't know if she was cheating, but it sounds you guys had different viewpoints of things the least. Damn. I got too much of a backbone to not walk away from that. Although this relationship seems very short (2 months), but to label as "dating" also means exclusive to me. I wouldn't want my girlfriend of 2 months to give that great of a compliment to another man, if she hasn't said such things to me before.
Author cdt76 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 Me too. She can pound sand. But because I was "mean" about ending it by telling her the truth and that she has a lot of work to do on herself, that justifies her feelings that I wasn't worthy and it was ok for her to begin texting/chatting with other dudes. Ridiculous. When do people become honest? When did telling the truth become so impossible? In the end, when I screw up I accept responsibility and apologize and take steps to remedy whatever I did wrong. What happened to that concept? Am I the only one doing it anymore?
Itspointless Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Damn. I got too much of a backbone to not walk away from that. Sometimes it is good to use that backbone for thinking. Makes me think of another saying often used by woman when it comes to men and thinking
Elle1975 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 That would really bother me to have someone snooping in my phone. Not that I have anything to hide. I just would not take the snooping very well at all. Trust is a two ways street for me. In a relationship I don't look at the other person like he's bacon all the time. Relationships are not always made of good times. Ups and downs make help me see if I have a good solid partner, see if he/she sticks around, or bail. Can I count on this person? Can I be a good partner? Etc... As for cheating, that's a deal breaker for me, indeed.
Grumpybutfun Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Dating should be pleasant, not full of subterfuge and having to play investigator because you aren't sure of the other persons character. I think the quicker they hang themselves the better because it means you can figure out why you were attracted to someone with a questionable character to begin with, and move on to someone who doesn't share those flaws. It is easy to see lack of honesty of we aren't mired in denial....look at how she has treated past relationships, her family and how open and honest she is with you. Trust is earned so if someone needs to snoop and verify, that just means they are being aware of some discrepancies in the others character. Openness and honesty is a must in a healthy relationship, otherwise they have something they are trying to hide IMO. Best, Grumps
Elle1975 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I was so tempted to look in his phone. Really. Never did. I really don't want to be come that person. I might have found something, or maybe nothing.. I just don't want to be that person who worries all the time. I worry enough as it is. Eh.. if he was cheating on me, and I think he was, more power to him and may he stay a d*ckhead.
Author cdt76 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I agree that a relationship has to be built on trust. But I don't trust blindly and I don't trust without validation. I'm an investigator for a living so people lie to me all the time. After about 3 years of it you become really good at picking up on the hints and body language and when people start to act differently from what you have experienced, then something is up. I hated checking her phone. She is lucky I didn't read all the messages. I just read the one I was interested in. I had nothing to hide. She had the code to my phone. She had the code to unlock my house. She had full access to me. Yet everytime we were around her phone was upside down. She never shared any texts from "friends" that she received. And in the end, it really doesn't matter how she was caught lying. She was lying and that is the point. What I did to catch her, violating her trust, is a moot point because there was not trust to begin with. Trust is a two way street. She can't expect me to trust her if she isn't trustworthy. And she will continue to be a lying, cheater until she fixes herself. Which will be done without my help.
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