imsooooconfused Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Hi all, I will try to keep this short. I dated my ex for two years, and he split up with me a few months ago. The relationship had gone downhill and had become toxic, lots of arguments (about 50/50 blame we both agree). I went NC and it really got to him. Anyway, we ended up back in contact. I tried to make some effort to improve myself and the relationship, and although he said we were "sort of trying again", he was very clear that we weren't together. We occasionally were physical; that stopped after a couple of weeks when I realised it was detrimental to my own wellbeing. Enter the rebound guy. A friend of a friend who I got drunk with at a party. He was ending a bad relationship too. We're in contact a lot and get on well. However obviously he has had an even more recent breakup than I did. He seems over it but I'm very conscious of the fact that we may be using each other to fill the gaps our partners left. We're very "cuddly" at an early stage. I want to keep it casual and have some no strings fun. However he does treat me really well. Very kind and sweet. Back to the ex. We have been hanging out as friends, no sex. We got incredibly drunk a couple of weeks ago and did hook up. He told me he loved me, missed me, etc. Didn't go back on it when sober but did say that the reason we're not back together is because he's unsure if it will work. He is still quite cold and angry, and although we hang out it's not like a relationship, where you cuddle. The physical side is entirely separate from the rest of it. To me, it seems like: the ex doesn't know what he wants, and maybe using me as some kind of emotional crutch (he doesn't have many friends). The rebound guy just wants a girl to fill the gap his ex left - he might like me, but can he be over his ex? Anyway, I wondered if you had any advice for me. I'm tending towards taking a step back and just casually dating rebound guy, and maybe keeping in slight contact with the ex as a friend. I don't want to date both of them at once. Thank you for any help! Edited April 21, 2014 by imsooooconfused Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Honestly my advice would be to step back from both of them. Neither one of these two men know what it is they want, they both have different reasons for being where they are in their lives. You don't need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled either. Are you sure that's not what your motivation is here? Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hi all, I will try to keep this short. I dated my ex for two years, and he split up with me a few months ago. The relationship had gone downhill and had become toxic, lots of arguments (about 50/50 blame we both agree). I went NC and it really got to him. Anyway, we ended up back in contact. I tried to make some effort to improve myself and the relationship, and although he said we were "sort of trying again", he was very clear that we weren't together. We occasionally were physical; that stopped after a couple of weeks when I realised it was detrimental to my own wellbeing. Enter the rebound guy. A friend of a friend who I got drunk with at a party. He was ending a bad relationship too. We're in contact a lot and get on well. However obviously he has had an even more recent breakup than I did. He seems over it but I'm very conscious of the fact that we may be using each other to fill the gaps our partners left. We're very "cuddly" at an early stage. I want to keep it casual and have some no strings fun. However he does treat me really well. Very kind and sweet. Back to the ex. We have been hanging out as friends, no sex. We got incredibly drunk a couple of weeks ago and did hook up. He told me he loved me, missed me, etc. Didn't go back on it when sober but did say that the reason we're not back together is because he's unsure if it will work. He is still quite cold and angry, and although we hang out it's not like a relationship, where you cuddle. The physical side is entirely separate from the rest of it. To me, it seems like: the ex doesn't know what he wants, and maybe using me as some kind of emotional crutch (he doesn't have many friends). The rebound guy just wants a girl to fill the gap his ex left - he might like me, but can he be over his ex? Anyway, I wondered if you had any advice for me. I'm tending towards taking a step back and just casually dating rebound guy, and maybe keeping in slight contact with the ex as a friend. I don't want to date both of them at once. Thank you for any help! I would stay away from the ex, he seems to have a difficult time going away but he doesn't want to be with you either. AS for the rebound, as long as you're both clear on whats going on, go for it. I wish I had a rebound guy, that would be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Yeah, neither option really seems great. But it does seem most important that you put more work into withdrawing from the ex. You described your relationship as "toxic" and you recognize that recent hookups have been confusing. If you and "rebound guy" can be clear with each other that you just need affection, and that it's not heading anywhere, it may be a good way to clear your plate of your ex. But you don't want to find yourself stepping into ANOTHER confusing scenario. If there's any chance for drama there, bail. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 sounds like drinking and making good choices might be an issue for you. i see a pattern here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imsooooconfused Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Wow, thanks for the replies everyone! I should have mentioned that the rebound guy is moving away for work in two months, so there is a time limit. I think I'll work on withdrawing from BOTH of them. Since the ex is toxic, and since the rebound guy is just a casual thing. Thanks again everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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