Roommate cheated on her boyfriend, My boyfriend hates her now

[Chocolat]

If your best friend, for some incomprehensible reasons to everyone around, got caught in a robbery for example, you would not visit him in jail because visiting him would mean you approve of the robbery? Makes no sense.

 

A more apt analogy might be:

 

Your best friend robbed another friend's house and has asked you not to turn her in.

[Gaeta]

OP's friends is trying to get herself together to tell her boyfriend she cheated. That is why she is so emotional. She will tell him. Everybody involved in this story should butt out and let her come forward on her own. It's not OP or her boyfriend's place to tell this guy he was cheated on.

[contact1]

OP's friends is trying to get herself together to tell her boyfriend she cheated. That is why she is so emotional. She will tell him. Everybody involved in this story should butt out and let her come forward on her own. It's not OP or her boyfriend's place to tell this guy he was cheated on.

 

More like she is trying to figure out the best way to get into the least amount of trouble for her own actions.

 

And what about the boyfriend, he should know about this. Let me turn it around, if you knew your best friend had been cheated on, would you tell them or stay out of it hoping the cheating partner confessed?

[Chocolat]

OP's friends is trying to get herself together to tell her boyfriend she cheated. That is why she is so emotional. She will tell him. Everybody involved in this story should butt out and let her come forward on her own. It's not OP or her boyfriend's place to tell this guy he was cheated on.

 

I missed where it was stated that the OP's roommate is planning to tell her bf about her cheating.

 

But whether she is or she isn't planning to, the fact remains that she hasn't. And the longer she doesn't, the more complicit the OP and her bf become. Because I think it's reasonable to assume that the roommate's bf would want to know this information that is now being withheld by 3 people rather than just 1. And if, during this period of withholding, the roommate is continuing to see her bf, have sex, etc., then the bf is going to feel quite betrayed all around.

[lamaga]

I missed where it was stated that the OP's roommate is planning to tell her bf about her cheating.

 

But whether she is or she isn't planning to, the fact remains that she hasn't. And the longer she doesn't, the more complicit the OP and her bf become. Because I think it's reasonable to assume that the roommate's bf would want to know this information that is now being withheld by 3 people rather than just 1. And if, during this period of withholding, the roommate is continuing to see her bf, have sex, etc., then the bf is going to feel quite betrayed all around.

 

 

Yes. This. But she is planning to tell him tonight. On a different note, I believe he won't leave her since he is madly in love with her. It is not that they have any problems aside from her cheating. She was being stupid and did a awful thing, now has to deal with the consequences.

But yes, this is what makes me so damn mad: Me and my boyfriend know about it. And there is nothing we can do. If she doesn't tell her guy tonight... then I don't know how to continue with this friendship.

[Gaeta]

I missed where it was stated that the OP's roommate is planning to tell her bf about her cheating.

 

But whether she is or she isn't planning to, the fact remains that she hasn't. And the longer she doesn't, the more complicit the OP and her bf become. Because I think it's reasonable to assume that the roommate's bf would want to know this information that is now being withheld by 3 people rather than just 1. And if, during this period of withholding, the roommate is continuing to see her bf, have sex, etc., then the bf is going to feel quite betrayed all around.

 

I agree it's an awful and cruel situation for the boyfriend. That is also why most of the time the person being cheated on is the last one to know.

 

Would you be the one to tell him? How would you say this? you start with 'I heard that your....' or 'Apparently your gf is....'. or 'your girlfriend told so and so.....'.

 

It's better she tells him herself.

[BradJacobs]

OP's friends is trying to get herself together to tell her boyfriend she cheated. That is why she is so emotional. She will tell him. Everybody involved in this story should butt out and let her come forward on her own. It's not OP or her boyfriend's place to tell this guy he was cheated on.

 

If I considered the friend's boyfriend a friend then I would have outted the roommate. My girlfriend would have understood or she would have broken up with me. Either way I would have done what I felt was right.

[Gaeta]

Anyone one of you ever told a friend he was being cheated on before?

 

It never goes well. Often they don't even believe you, then can also accuse of you of lying, being jealous or having a hidden agenda.

 

These type of things always backslash in your face trust me.

[atlg8r]

I certainly wouldn't continue to be buddy-buddy with someone cheating on a person I knew and liked/respected.

[BradJacobs]

Anyone one of you ever told a friend he was being cheated on before?

 

It never goes well. Often they don't even believe you, then can also accuse of you of lying, being jealous or having a hidden agenda.

 

These type of things always backslash in your face trust me.

Now your position makes sense. Mine was the opposite.

[ThatMan]

I certainly wouldn't continue to be buddy-buddy with someone cheating on a person I knew and liked/respected.

People identify themselves through choosing who to associate with.

 

I would dump the OP in a heartbeat. I'm not interested in relationships with people who buddy up with cheaters. I've been around enough to know better. This simply wouldn't be worth the hassle for me. Not to mention that it's wrong of me to demand people choose better friends. Moving on is better than demeaning a friend of my spouse, being controlling, or all around abrasive.

 

 

The word that describes this entire situation is called triangulation.

 

Think about a lunch break at work. There's two coworkers arguing over what to have for lunch; one associate who wants to eat Mexican, another Italian, and they both want to drag other people into the fight and on their own side.

 

The best thing anyone can do for themselves in situations like these is to stay out of the middle. You absolutely can tell your friend that, "I'm your friend and I care a lot about you. Do not involve me in your own relationship with your boyfriend." While you can also turn around and say to your boyfriend, "Let's not allow our relationship to revolve around my friend. She's my friend and I can be friends with whoever I'd like. Please do not speak poorly of her in my presence."

 

Resolving unnecessary drama really is that simple.

[letmoc]

Did you tell your boyfriend or did she?

[topaMAXX]

Wow

 

Topax, before you become friends with someone do you ask if they cheat on their income tax? Do you ask to know every little details of their past life just in case at some point they lied, or stole a napkin in a restaurant?

 

How about yourself? You are perfect? To call someone 'bad' you've got to be perfect. Right? He who's never sinned cast the first stone.

 

I don't cheat in relationships and that's all that needs to be said. I am not a hypocrite. If you cheat in relationships, you are a bad person.

 

No, I am not perfect, but I do try to live my life in a way that is morally correct.

 

As far as a person cheating on their income taxes, that's their business. They are cheating an already corrupt and greedy government at the risk of going to jail for a long time. If they want to do that, have at it.

[lamaga]

Did you tell your boyfriend or did she?

 

she is my roommate and my boyfriend and me both were in the apartment when my roommate cheated on her boyfriend. the next morning we both realised the couch was never turned to a guest bed and our visitor had slept in her bed. we both came to our conclusions then but my boyfriend was next to me when my roommate texted me her confession.

[ExpatInItaly]

Is she planning on telling him? If so, when?

[lamaga]

Is she planning on telling him? If so, when?

 

He just picked her up and they are on their way to his house. she is planning on telling him tonight.

on a side note , my boyfriend stopped talking to me. told me my whining about her gets on his nerves.

 

this is just great.

[atlg8r]

He just picked her up and they are on their way to his house. she is planning on telling him tonight.

on a side note , my boyfriend stopped talking to me. told me my whining about her gets on his nerves.

 

this is just great.

 

I'm sorry for your situation, but it is possible he is concerned because you have so much sympathy for her. He may be concerned that you don't view cheating as "such a bad thing." That would be my thought if I were in his shoes. Maybe let him cool off, then express to him that even though you tried to be supportive of your friend that you do NOT condone cheating and wouldn't cheat on him.

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm sorry for your situation, but it is possible he is concerned because you have so much sympathy for her. He may be concerned that you don't view cheating as "such a bad thing." That would be my thought if I were in his shoes. Maybe let him cool off, then express to him that even though you tried to be supportive of your friend that you do NOT condone cheating and wouldn't cheat on him.

 

 

^^^^ This. Honestly, if my wife had cheater friends, I would question her own values. I hold myself and her to a high standard and who we hang around with and what they do is what we as human beings accept. I have had many people tell me that my quality of life with my wife, job, family and friends has helped them to make good choices when they were tempted by bad ones.

 

Condoning bad behavior means accepting actions like your roommates...just something to think about. Your bf may think that because you are into her drama and accepting of her actions since you are supporting her through her bad choices, you are lacking something in your own character. He would be right. Your roommate isn't a friend if she puts you in the middle of her shady drama. You don't have to be complicit in her drama and subterfuge just because you are roommates or friends. Passivity is the breeding ground for corruption.

Best,

Grumps

[StanMusial]

Drama by proxy.

[Gaeta]

1. OP does not hang around with cheaters. This is her best friend and she said her and her boyfriend were the first surprised that she did this, it's out of character for her. This is an extraordinary event with a friend who had good moral values up to now.

 

2. Being present to a friend in emotional distress is NOT supporting their choice in life. It's being compassionate to someone in pain, no matter what caused the pain.

 

Now this young woman is on her way to do the right thing. How many would do this? She made her bed now she is laying in it. Many would chose of path of least resistance and not say a word.

 

OP, when she comes back from telling her bf, tell her she did the right thing no matter what happens next with her bf.

[Spectre]

Having strong morals and family values does not make you jury and judge of other people's life. Your roommate personal affairs regards no one but herself and her boyfriend. I would NEVER let my boyfriend call my friend names because he improvises himself the judge of morality. He doesn't want to come over anymore? fine! he can stay at his house. I would tell him to watch his mouth when he speaks about my friends.

 

This is just utterly bogus advice. The bf is friends with the guy this chick cheated on and it is making him VERY uncomfortable, and he has every right to be. Not only that, but cheaters can be toxic people. I wouldn't want my girlfriend hanging around with other women who are more then willing to cheat and then NOT be honest about it. That is messed up.

 

You might say it isn't his business, but this girl having told the roommate(and her boyfriend) kind of made it their business, especially since they also know the guy she cheated on. So yeah, I can't fault the boyfriend for calling a spade a spade and not wanting to see a good guy treated like crap. I would not want to see a STRANGER treated this badly, let alone someone I liked or considered a friend.

 

I can also see the concern from him over the sympathy, sorry, she shouldn't feel sorry for her friend, her friend cheated. Her friend messed up, feel bad for the poor guy being betrayed, not the friend. She made her own bed and has to lay in it. You can't expect everyone to treat her the same after finding out how crappy this girl treated someone they knew. Sorry, being someones best friend doesn't automatically mean you have to more or less accept/go along with their utterly horrible life choices. I can see her not wanting her friend to be in pain, but I can also see how a guy could take that to mean she is somehow trying to justify terrible behavior and yes it would worry me.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Anyone one of you ever told a friend he was being cheated on before?

 

It never goes well. Often they don't even believe you, then can also accuse of you of lying, being jealous or having a hidden agenda.

 

These type of things always backslash in your face trust me.

 

Sounds like someone trying to skirt around doing the right thing. If my friend was being cheated on I would absolutely tell him, he deserves to know. He would know I have NO reason to lie to him, unless I had some prior relationship with the girl he is with.

 

I would want my friends to tell me if they knew my girl was stepping out, I would feel they owed me that. It might not be something I want to hear exactly, but it is something I NEED to hear. So yeah, a true friend? Would tell and not hide behind cowardice. See, me and my friends do not treat each other like crap. We'd never try to get with each others ex girlfriends, or something like that. So we would ALL know that if someone came and told us about cheating..they were doing it because they cared and were trying to look out for us.

[Gaeta]

Sounds like someone trying to skirt around doing the right thing. If my friend was being cheated on I would absolutely tell him, he deserves to know. He would know I have NO reason to lie to him, unless I had some prior relationship with the girl he is with.

 

I would want my friends to tell me if they knew my girl was stepping out, I would feel they owed me that. It might not be something I want to hear exactly, but it is something I NEED to hear. So yeah, a true friend? Would tell and not hide behind cowardice. See, me and my friends do not treat each other like crap. We'd never try to get with each others ex girlfriends, or something like that. So we would ALL know that if someone came and told us about cheating..they were doing it because they cared and were trying to look out for us.

Of course, everybody says like you before they are faced with actually having to tell a friend. You will be the first surprised how your very best buddy will turn on you with 'I don't believe you', or 'you're making a mistake.

 

We all can say we would do this and that but until we are faced with the actual dilemma we don't know how we would handle it.

[Gaeta]

I wouldn't want my girlfriend hanging around with other women who are more then willing to cheat and then NOT be honest about it. That is messed up.

Did you read the entire thread? This young woman never cheated before, and is now on her way to tell her boyfriend about it. She had a break down this weekend because she knew she had to tell him and she needed her friend the OP to tell her it was the right thing to do.

 

You guys are reading all kinds of things that are not there. Yes she cheated on her boyfriend. That was a few days ago, it was out of character for her, it's killing her and is breaking down, she is on her way to confess to her boyfriend.

 

It's a sad story but it's not the story of a slvt or a shvnk or a whvre cheating around with no guilt and telling people to shut up about it ....we're not watching the same movie.

[BradJacobs]

Did you read the entire thread? This young woman never cheated before, and is now on her way to tell her boyfriend about it. She had a break down this weekend because she knew she had to tell him and she needed her friend the OP to tell her it was the right thing to do.

 

You guys are reading all kinds of things that are not there. Yes she cheated on her boyfriend. That was a few days ago, it was out of character for her, it's killing her and is breaking down, she is on her way to confess to her boyfriend.

 

It's a sad story but it's not the story of a slvt or a shvnk or a whvre cheating around with no guilt and telling people to shut up about it ....we're not watching the same movie.

Here's the movie I'm watching ...

 

Dude finds out his gf's bestie cheated on her bf.

Dude wants nothing to do with the cheating bestie and probably wants to tell her bf ... and since he knew the OP wouldn't like it just decided to remove himself from the situation.

Their relationship is now in the tank and OP tried to use a hail mary ILY to save it. That didn't help.

Gaeta keeps circling back to the bestie's need for emotional support while ignoring the dude's need to not be around that situation (OP and cheating bestie).

 

The end.