Roommate cheated on her boyfriend, My boyfriend hates her now

[lamaga]

Don't you believe it.... Isn't it supposed to be the other way round...?!

 

 

This isn't as common as you would think; or hope, even.

 

I have no friends from school life or any other time.... I actually have very few people I could realistically call 'friends'... they have come and gone quite liberally...

 

 

Mh I think friends come and go... just like lovers do... I am cool with this though. I have accepted that... long time ago.

[lamaga]

I think many of you are taking this out of context.

 

OP probably has been friends with this young woman for a long time. Doesn't feel like she's a bad girls going around cheating on her every boyfriend. Sounds more like a young woman who did something stupid and is now full of remorse.

 

I am not saying what she did is forgivable.

 

What I am saying is this is a young woman leaning a life lesson the hard way.

 

She needs to do the right thing and to accept the consequences and sometimes we need a friend to take us through that step.

 

 

Yes, I would have NEVER thought of her to do such thing. BF even said he always thought that roommate would never harm a fly, since she is the cute, little fragile girl who does only good things. Which is why both of us are so shocked by what she has done.

[Gaeta]

I agree with you Gaeta; the problem is, the OP has become OVER-involved to the detriment of her own relationship with HER BF.

She sees this has happened; hence her dilemma and posting for advice.

 

Leaving aside her BF's attitude and language, the OP needs to evaluate the situation from a distance, and be there for her friend - but not become so embroiled in the situation that she becomes PART of it.

 

And that is what she is doing. She is becoming so fogged by the fusion of her different loyalties that her own judgement, about her own situation is skewed.

 

And I agree with you.

[letmoc]

I think you and your boyfriend are way too involved in a relationship that has nothing to do with you. I would stop talking about it to each other all together. He is a boyfriend, not a husband I would be careful before I go throwing away friendships for him.

[Gaeta]

Yup.

 

As a guy who pays close attention to the kind of friends a girl keeps, Id wonder what influence this friend could have on my gf, especially if we ever hit rough patches.

 

A lot of people feel like attracts like...so if you and your bf havent been together that long yet...he may be wondering what youre capable of...especially if he sees you showing a lot of sympathy to your friend.

 

That's an interesting concept. I have friends that cheated in their life time, I have a friend that went to jail for embezzlement, I have a friend that is an ex drug and alcohol addict.

 

Would I do any of these things? Absolutely not!

 

Your comment make me think of something that happened this weekend. One of my friend asked me to go to Jamaica with her for a week. For the purpose of the story I will tell you I am French and she is French as well.

 

Her boyfriend told her NO, he would worry if she'd go to Jamaica with me because *I date black men*.

 

In his petty little mind because I date black men my legs are open to anything black AND I will make my friend have sex with black men!

[Leigh 87]

lamaga:)

 

My boyfriend gets very protective and upset at low quality people who weigh down on me heavily. I totally understand your boyfriends disdain for your roommate.

 

Look your friend IS acting a bit skanky, she is depriving her bf out of HIS right to make an INFORMED decision.

 

All of us who have been cheated on, I don't care how long ago it was....Beyond abuse it is the worse thing a partner can do:(

 

I have been in your position before, last year...I also have a friend who was in a long term R. She was 17 when she met him though and he was her 25 yr old TEACHER. She is a truly good person and acts outstanding, has a degree, works in welfare.... is not into FWB or one night stands. She is a friend who is there for a friend. Unlike many friends who wouldn't be there if you truly needed them. Well she cheated on this teacher who preyed upon HER innocence in my opinion... After over 2 years together, the teacher was a but of a loser, he lacked empathy and tried to do things like have sex with her in her sleep against her will. She wanted to end the relationship but was living away from home, she had abandoned her family whom she was close to in order to live with this guy... she hated herself for cheating, she tells me everything and she didn't even tell me for months after. She had 2 one night stands. One was with her good male friend who she had intense chemistry with. I didn't think she was in the right relationship to begin with yet her cheating very wrong.

 

I factored a few things in: Overall, she does NOT act like a low quality girl. She told her boyfriend after she cheated. He CHOSE to stay with her. When she cheated again she told him (she had sex this time). He wanted to stay with her. She had to pretty much say " look, I am having urges for other men, this is not fair on you. She has never put any drama onto me, she has been the most stable, well balanced and most supportive friend I have ever had. I can forgive people for having a few slip ups such as cheating or being the OW when they are young, and IF they feel terribly remorseful for it. And IF THEY TELL the poor guy so he has a CHOICE to walk away. your roommate though, is continually sleeping with and becoming even more enmeshed with a man who has NO idea that she has done something terrible. I am still best friends with the girl I spoke about; she met someone wonderful and do not believe she is a cheater by nature, I think she was just young, scared and in the wrong relationship and too scared to end her ties with the sole person in her life.

 

Sometimes good people do bad things, but my best friend NEVER asked me for sympathy or "understanding".

 

She KNEW she behaved like a skank.

 

She didn't want me to comfort her, she knew SHE had to deal with her own bad decisions.

 

She did, however, want me to talk to her about her past cheating in the aftermath of it all; after she told her ex, ended her 3 year relationships, sold her beloved cats and moved back home. After she recovered from the break up somewhat she explained that she just felt awful about the fact she would ever cheat on someone, and she had a lot of trouble reconciling her cheating ways with the person she believes she truly is. Your friend has no place to be dragging you into her drama. She is acting totally selfish. My boyfriend would feel the same way and sorry to say, he is also one to call girls names if they cheat on their boyfriends and don't disclose it to them.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Leigh 87

[BradJacobs]

I'm with the boyfriend on this one.

 

If you weren't in the picture would he have told your friend's boyfriend to protect him? Can you imagine how conflicted he must be?

[Leigh 87]

^^^^^ so I basically wanted to comfort her, on my own accord (when she told me of her cheating) but she never asked me to, she felt that it was HER responsibility to overcome her past cheating behaviour.

 

She felt terrible about it. She took it upon her self to feel like a crappy person for a good few months. She didn't need to come crying to Leigh 87 about it.

 

I cannot understand how this girl puts you through her crying and incessant texting (by the sound of things)

[Woggle]

Deep down he is questioning his relationship with you.

[topaMAXX]

Having strong morals and family values does not make you jury and judge of other people's life. Your roommate personal affairs regards no one but herself and her boyfriend. I would NEVER let my boyfriend call my friend names because he improvises himself the judge of morality. He doesn't want to come over anymore? fine! he can stay at his house. I would tell him to watch his mouth when he speaks about my friends.

 

False.

 

She cheated and, thus, is a bad person. OP's boyfriend is right. She's lucky that he's not outing her. I would if I were him (and have before).

 

Bros first.

 

OP: Also, you are condoning her actions, which, rightfully, makes your bf question your morals and values.

[Gaeta]

False.

 

She cheated and, thus, is a bad person. OP's boyfriend is right. She's lucky that he's not outing her. I would if I were him (and have before).

 

Bros first.

 

OP: Also, you are condoning her actions, which, rightfully, makes your bf question your morals and values.

 

Wow

 

Topax, before you become friends with someone do you ask if they cheat on their income tax? Do you ask to know every little details of their past life just in case at some point they lied, or stole a napkin in a restaurant?

 

How about yourself? You are perfect? To call someone 'bad' you've got to be perfect. Right? He who's never sinned cast the first stone.

[Gaeta]

This thread is so disturbing to me, I am not even religious and I am quoting the New Testament lol.

[Leigh 87]

Deep down he is questioning his relationship with you.

 

 

What makes you say that?

 

Aside from not telling her that he loves her back, he has not done anything bad.

 

He seems to act into her in many ways.

 

Sure, he has not fallen as hard as some men who fall in love within 3 months, but that doesn't been he isn't super into her.

 

I mean, he helps her with her assignments, wants to see her all the time, he watches her sing.. he does all the things a guy is supposed to do when he is "into" a girl.

 

I am not sure why so many people had a problem with her relationship.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I have no sympathy for the cheater in this tale. OP, prioritize and I would have the bf come first. This is not to say cut the roomie out of your life, but don't get so caught up in the drama.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I will also add a chance scenario - that the OP's bf is projecting a fear towards his gf based on her relationship with a cheater. He may feel this friend is a bad moral influence and wants her out of the OP's life.

[Woggle]

What makes you say that?

 

Aside from not telling her that he loves her back, he has not done anything bad.

 

He seems to act into her in many ways.

 

Sure, he has not fallen as hard as some men who fall in love within 3 months, but that doesn't been he isn't super into her.

 

I mean, he helps her with her assignments, wants to see her all the time, he watches her sing.. he does all the things a guy is supposed to do when he is "into" a girl.

 

I am not sure why so many people had a problem with her relationship.

 

I am a guy and I know how guys think. Not all women but it is not uncommon for women to do things in packs. When one of them gets divorced the friends might follow and the same thing happens with cheating. Not saying that the OP will do this but no doubt it is running through the guy's head.

 

Believe me he is wondering about their relationship.

[GoreSP]

The friend did not fault OP, she fault her boyfriend. If my friend told me she cheated on her boyfriend she would have an ear full, but then I would be done with it. I would listen and encourage her to do the right thing but my love for her would stay intact and I would certainly not look down on her.

 

This is a battle I know I won't win in a forum full of Americans. I was born and raised Catholic and we are taught at a young age to NOT judge others. It's not our role to play God. Mother Theresa fed and loved everyone with the same love, the thief and the criminals included.

 

I sort of agree. However, I've been in a similar situation where I spent my birthday party comforting my friend who was so scared she would lose her boyfriend because she cheated on him.

 

That person is not my friend anymore. Quite frankly she should have thought of the consequences of her actions - same goes for OP's roommate. Especially since it's affecting OP's relationship, I would just stay away from the whole thing. Roommate needs to put her big girl pants on and deal.

 

Did I read correctly that roommates boyfriend does NOT know he was cheated on???

[Ruby Slippers]

Your boyfriend not telling you he loves you after you told him is another sign that he's not as into you as you are him. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I see it. And now with you being so sympathetic to your cheating friend, I agree that's making him question things further.

 

But I wouldn't worry too much about him. I'd focus on doing what feels right to you. If you feel no need to distance yourself from your friend, that's your business. But I don't blame your boyfriend for not coming around as much. I wouldn't want to hang out with a cheater who won't come clean, either.

 

One of my friends in college was cheating on her fiance. I began to lose respect for her, gradually distanced myself from her, and eventually the friendship ended.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd try to pull myself out of the situation, as much as possible. As others have stated, you and your boyfriend are over-involved in this. She needs to face the music now. You can be there for her without becoming enmeshed in her problems.

 

I think the issue surrounding saying "I love you" and not hearing it back is another ball of wax entirely.

[atlg8r]

Having strong morals and family values does not make you jury and judge of other people's life. Your roommate personal affairs regards no one but herself and her boyfriend. I would NEVER let my boyfriend call my friend names because he improvises himself the judge of morality. He doesn't want to come over anymore? fine! he can stay at his house. I would tell him to watch his mouth when he speaks about my friends.

 

You are the company you keep. I also have very strong family values and morals, and while I might not call this roommate names, I wouldn't think very highly of her for cheating. I would also be concerned if my significant other had more loyalty to a cheating friend than she did to me. She is almost condoning the cheating by her actions.

[Chocolat]

I agree with those who see your bf's feelings as understandable.

 

Perhaps if your roommate were dating a strange guy, your bf would be better able to understand your desire to comfort your roommate but the fact is that your roommate's bf is a friend of your bf's, so you are essentially asking him to keep a secret from his friend that he would not kept from himself in the same situation.

 

Honestly, I am surprised that your bf has not outed your roommate to her bf. Further, I suspect that the only reason he hasn't is due to the strength of his feelings for you, which are likely eroding each day that you continue to coddle your roommate for her spinelessness.

 

I think you need to decide which R means more to you, as I don't see a way for you to have both. Even if your roommate confesses, if her bf figures out that you and your bf knew the truth but didn't tell him, there are likely to be hard feelings all around.

[Gaeta]

You are the company you keep. I also have very strong family values and morals, and while I might not call this roommate names, I wouldn't think very highly of her for cheating. I would also be concerned if my significant other had more loyalty to a cheating friend than she did to me. She is almost condoning the cheating by her actions.

 

If your best friend, for some incomprehensible reasons to everyone around, got caught in a robbery for example, you would not visit him in jail because visiting him would mean you approve of the robbery? Makes no sense.

[atlg8r]

If your best friend, for some incomprehensible reasons to everyone around, got caught in a robbery for example, you would not visit him in jail because visiting him would mean you approve of the robbery? Makes no sense.

 

I probably would not. Anyone I would ever deem my "best friend" I would know with no uncertainty wouldn't commit that type of crime.

 

My fiance had a friend who shot his wife over a domestic dispute. He won't even write replies when this guy sends him letters from jail or answer the phone when he calls. He doesn't approve of that behavior and doesn't want to be his friend anymore.

 

It is okay to draw certain lines in the sand when it comes to the morals and ethics of your friends and even your family.

[Gaeta]

I probably would not. Anyone I would ever deem my "best friend" I would know with no uncertainty wouldn't commit that type of crime.

With the years you will see that you never ever truly know the people in your life.

[atlg8r]

With the years you will see that you never ever truly know the people in your life.

 

I'm not what I would define as "old" but I'm certainly not young, either. Very rarely have I been surprised by anyone in my life.