Appreciate Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Curious, for those who are in R, what are the attitudes and levels of support of the people who know? I've often wondered how much of the reason why WS blame shift is due to pride and not having to feel shame in front of others. Perhaps they think if they steamroll their way through it all then others will be forced to accept it? I know of people who have given ultimatums to their families.. accept my OW or lose me. How f'ed up is that?
notserene Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 In our case, nobody knows except our therapists and a couple of very close friends. I am relatively lucky because my husband is not trying to blameshift and the friends who we told all think he was out of his mind for taking up with the AP in the first place. I haven't told anyone in my family what is going on. They don't live nearby and I don't see much point in exposing the affair when it had a short shelf life, it is over, and we are trying to put the pieces back together. 1
DKT3 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I don't know if what we are doing falls under R. Divorced 5 years and trying again. We didn't want anyone to know until we truely knew what direction we would go. My mom figured it out and quickly told my father and siblings. Feelings have been mixed. Mom wants me to do what makes me happy but says I need to have a quick trigger in getting out. Dad said "that's dumb, I guess the first kick in the head didn't make you smarter" half joking, I think? Sister and exWW have always been close and she has always said I should give her a second chance. Brother thinks exWW is worthless, are relationship has been bad for a few years because he is so blunt and true to his feelings. We have always been really close, I'm only 368 days older. He may haVe been about as upset as me over the affair.
excusememister Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 It took me nearly 5 months to decide on R. Boat loads of support from family and friends; they have always been in favor of R.
drifter777 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 It took me nearly 5 months to decide on R. Boat loads of support from family and friends; they have always been in favor of R. Is there a particular reason they feel this way?
fellini Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 We didnt tell the family until 8 months into R. The sisters were shocked, but jumped on the emotional turmoil of my WS and tried to connect with her to talk to her and support she bail the M. They even tried to suggest I was "blackmailing" her, and using her A to get the upper edge. Then when that didn't work they accused her responses of being mine. That nearly cost them a sister. Needless to say my NC with them is watertight and is not going to come off ever. I simply do not have time, nor do I feel obliged to pretend to be part of a family that I clearly am not. My WS supports me on this, she is hoping it wont go on forever, but she understands if it does.
waterwoman Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I told very few friends only those who I knew would be supportive and non-judgemental. Not my parents or mil. Not my brother or his wife. H told his closest sister, and I told his other one cos we got drunk together a few months after d-day. I was afraid everyone would be really angry with h and I didn't need the extra stress. They would have been very keen on reconciliation at all costs and sod the issues. Our marriage would have been tainted and a bit shameful for the rest of our lives.
purplesorrow Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Curious, for those who are in R, what are the attitudes and levels of support of the people who know? I've often wondered how much of the reason why WS blame shift is due to pride and not having to feel shame in front of others. Perhaps they think if they steamroll their way through it all then others will be forced to accept it? I know of people who have given ultimatums to their families.. accept my OW or lose me. How f'ed up is that? My situation was the opposite. I said divorce on dday. My WH told his parents and all of his close friends. He took full responsibility from day one and asked them all to support me. I told 2 siblings and a friend. Everyone is hoping I wii reconcile. That is tough for me. I don't feel like I have much support.
dichotomy Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 My late father I think did not want me to marry my wife to begin with, but when the $h!t hit the fan, and I was struggling - he basically told to stick to the marriage, but he also kind of told me she would not give me anything I wanted out of the reconciliation..... which happily he was wrong about mostly. 1
cocorico Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 My H took his xW back after a year of separation (instigated by her, unrelated to infidelity AFAIK) when she begged him. His family and friends were unanimously opposed. They had never supported the toxic M, had been treated badly (by her) during the M and had witnessed her abuse of him. They cautioned him that nothing would improve if they R - despite all her promises - and time proved them correct.
jnel921 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 In our case, nobody knows except our therapists and a couple of very close friends. I am relatively lucky because my husband is not trying to blameshift and the friends who we told all think he was out of his mind for taking up with the AP in the first place. I haven't told anyone in my family what is going on. They don't live nearby and I don't see much point in exposing the affair when it had a short shelf life, it is over, and we are trying to put the pieces back together. Same situation here. However I learned from my first M where I disclosed all of what happened The responses were negative and hurtful. I didn't expect this from my family and worst how some of my XH family took his side and opened their homes to the OW after I kicked him out. I have a son, I would never allow that. The second time around, because I stayed I did not want to deal with the comments or judgment. It's no ones business but our own. I am a grown woman and if I don't want to stay I definetly don't have to. I can make it on my own and my H knows this. His A was brief, however a big breach in the love and honor he promised to give me when we said I do. It's been a year and a half. Things are better. But it's a work in progress. I don't think it's necessary to disclose anything unless it's a party who is going to help your M. Anyone else is pure gossip. Don't need to put my stuff out there like that. No one should. 1
gettingstronger Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I am also not a fan of disclosure because I think its easy from the outside looking in to give advice that is not helpful- I consider reconciliation a personal matter- Unfortunately one of my husbands work associates also had an affair that was discovered right around the time his was so it seemed like a good idea for us wives to lean on each other for support-big mistake- their reconciliation and relationship in general is so different than ours- sometimes supporting her triggers me-
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 My oldest brother and his oldest sister supported and advised reconciliation, despite my being hell bent on divorce. I had thrown him out after DDay. One or two friends made the comment that they could never forgive their H's and would divorce immediately, but I should do what I wanted. Not helpful. We became a hot topic of gossip amongst another group of friends and I stopped returning their phone calls. I had too much to deal with on the home front: My oldest wanted us to reconcile; my middle said to divorce him immediately and my youngest child was a puddle of tears who did not want to be involved. There were many I did NOT tell, but many knew too. I liken it to getting a cancer diagnosis: You don't want it to define you and all your conversations while you sort out your feelings and plan your future course of action. Plus, people often, when faced with trauma, tend to project their fears onto your situation. Not good. but I don't regret who knew, thought they knew or subsequently found out. many people knew or suspected way before I did. shame on them and shame on him. today, we are happily reconciled. It's my life, my marriage. They can all eat crow. 1
compulsivedancer Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 H did fairly widespread disclosure. Everyone was surprisingly supportive of whatever decision we came to. I was surprised. While no one was happy about my actions, everyone was pretty much in agreement that it was up to me and H to figure things out, whichever way we decided to go. 1
RightThere Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Very little support from my friends and family on R. Infidelity is pretty foreign to them (as it was to me before all this) so they have been pretty ruthless towards me and my WS. They haven't outright cut me off, but not too far from it. It sucks because they are treating it more from the perspective of how it affects them. They don't want their circle of friends to judge them for having a son or a friend who took back a cheating wife. Her friends and family are more supportive. But it still makes me feel like I'm on an island.
suckerpunch55 Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Plenty know of my wife's affair but for the sake of close members of our family we act as though we are a normal middle-aged married couple when we are out of the house, inside though there is still this barrier between us. It's early days yet and things are still raw, if people do know they have said nothing or act as though they don't know.
not-so-sure Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 I confessed my affair to my wife. I few days later she asked me - "who should I tell?", and I said she was free to tell anyone. I had no right to control that message. What I did say to her was to choose people she would tell who she thought would be supportive of the path she was inclined to take. As it happens, she's told one or two close friends (one of whom came over for a lovely dinner this week). I've told a former boss at the organisation I currently for, basically, because he asked me flat out more than 9 months after the affair was over. A current colleague because he noticed my stress, and a close friend. All have been very supportive or outwardly ambivalent. 1
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