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I have this friends...ITS NOT ME lol


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Posted (edited)

Hey guys. Had a question that I could use some of the vets on here (and new people too) advice on. My friend called me earlier tonight and we talked for about two hours about a situation of his and I want to get some outside perspectives on it. I'm changing the names and places to protect the innocent haha.

 

We're going to call my friend Mike (29 years old). Well, Mike was born and lived his whole life in Idaho. He liked it there, but he ALWAYS wanted to live in Miamia Florida . Was a big dream of his. When he was 24, he moved out there with no job or education to Miami. When he was there, he met a girl named Becky. Becky and Mike were two completely different people. but yet they dated. Him and Becky started dating and were together for about five months. After those five months (and no job), Mike got REALLY homesick and moved back to Idaho. He "broke up" with Becky, but they talked ALL the time still.

 

Well, about a year later, Mike still loved her and wanted to be with her again. She now lives in Orlando, Florida. So, he moved to Orlando (got his own apartment) to be with her. Wasnt a huge fan of Orlando, but lived there to be with her. They were doing okay, but they argued all the time. Stupid stuff usually. Well, after some issues, he couldn't afford his apartment anymore, so he moved in with her. This caused more issues and more fighting. He stayed in Orlando for a year. One weekend, Mike's parents paid to have him fly back to Idaho for a week. They had a big argument and she broke up with him. It was mildly mutual, but more her decision than him.

 

So, instead of just visiting Idaho, he just ended up moving back. Mike had all his friends there, but was pretty upset about losing Becky. Well, Mike and Becky still continued to keep communication with each other knowing FULLY well it wasnt smart. They would go VERY small pockets without talking, but microscopic pockets. NEITHER party moved on...almost refusing to. Becky always texted Mike asking if he was seeing anyone and vise versa. This has been going on for TWO YEARS! Mike TRIED to date other people (not really THAT hard) but Mike kept thinking and or obsessing about Becky. I'm sure she did too. For what its worth, Becky is REALLY successful in life. Has a HUGE job and does really well. Mike...not so much. Again, they are completely different people

 

So, I get a call tonight from Mike. He told me tonight that he cannot get over Becky and cant move on. "I'm scared of commitment, but not with her." He mentioned that they still talk a bunch, but nothing really of dating again or anything. He mentioned how he saw something online that she was in, and he broke down crying. He has now said two things: 1. He is moving back to Florida. THAT is where he wants to be. Always has and always will, even before Becky. His lease runs out at the end of the year, so he is going to save up and move out to Florida FOR GOOD this time. 2. He wants Becky back. Her birthday is coming next week and he wants to send flowers and get the ball rolling. :confused:

 

I have alerted Mike that this is not a good idea and they NEVER healed from their initial relationship. Sure, they probably grew a bit in two years and whatever, but they really NEVER had more than a couple weeks of not talking. He says, like most on this site, that he understands, but its different than normal breakups and whatever. He seems to think the only reason they broke up was because of that one argument. I disagree with that statement and told him she probably thought about it for awhile. With that said, SHE STILL talks to him everyday. She is the one that keeps talking to him, and he keeps responding.

 

So, that is where that is now. What are your thoughts on this and what should I tell him? What should I recommend with this? I see it being yet another trainwreck, but I dont know. Mike's my best friend and has been since I was a wee kid. Love him like a brother...I just find it stupid.

 

Sorry its so long. Thanks everyone.

Edited by ConfusedHumanBeing
Posted
So, that is where that is now. What are your thoughts on this and what should I tell him? What should I recommend with this?.

 

Thinly veiled disguise, my friend. But it matters not if the dude in the story is in fact you, or not. Bottom line, your pal needs therapy. So does your pal's gal.

 

They both are feeding off each other's neuroses and lack of self esteem.

 

Therapy, my friend. Be confused no more.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Thinly veiled disguise, my friend. But it matters not if the dude in the story is in fact you, or not. Bottom line, your pal needs therapy. So does your pal's gal.

 

They both are feeding off each other's neuroses and lack of self esteem.

 

Therapy, my friend. Be confused no more.

 

Read previous threads. Has nothing to do with me. If it was me, I'd have no issue saying it was me. You dont know me from Adam so technically I could SAY it was me and you'd still not know who I was.

 

Appreciate the input nonetheless

Posted

I see Mike as dependent on the people around him... at his age, he seems to be a bit behind in most areas of life...

 

I'd recommend him to stabilize his life a bit (well, a lot) before going again in the merry round his relationship with Becky is. I know for sure that most women want a guy with a solid job and very secure of himself. That going and coming and here now, and there tomorrow, speak volumes of certain unreliability.

 

I myself got my act together until late in life and I know that I was in no position of handling a formal commitment with a woman. It was even irresponsible to drag a woman to the uncertainty that was my world.

 

So, he should end his education and/or nail a good job before involving himself again with Becky. I also think a time apart would do both of them a lot of good.

 

It doesn't seem like they are really broken up so I have no opinion on the NC question...

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Posted

On the surface it feels like Mike may well do whatever he wants, despite any advice you send your way. One quote that comes to my mind is,

 

"When someone asks for your opinion on something, they don't usually care what you think. They're really just looking for someone to validate a decision they've already made."

Personally, I see a trainwreck waiting to happen too. You've already advised him of this and I really do believe you absolutely made the right call pointing this out. If it were myself in your shoes, I'd be honest with Mike about how you feel. I.e.

 

"Mike buddy, I think this a bad idea - you need to sort yourself out first..."

 

But also explain that regardless of your opinion on the situation, this is Mike's decision and as his friend you will simply just be there for him. In some ways you can use a parallel of what's here on LS regarding relationships.

 

If someone walks away from your relationship and you don't want it to end...you have to accept that person's decision whether you like it or not. You've laid out your reservations on Mike's decision but ultimately, you hope that he finds happiness.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
On the surface it feels like Mike may well do whatever he wants, despite any advice you send your way. One quote that comes to my mind is,

 

"When someone asks for your opinion on something, they don't usually care what you think. They're really just looking for someone to validate a decision they've already made."

Personally, I see a trainwreck waiting to happen too. You've already advised him of this and I really do believe you absolutely made the right call pointing this out. If it were myself in your shoes, I'd be honest with Mike about how you feel. I.e.

 

"Mike buddy, I think this a bad idea - you need to sort yourself out first..."

 

But also explain that regardless of your opinion on the situation, this is Mike's decision and as his friend you will simply just be there for him. In some ways you can use a parallel of what's here on LS regarding relationships.

 

If someone walks away from your relationship and you don't want it to end...you have to accept that person's decision whether you like it or not. You've laid out your reservations on Mike's decision but ultimately, you hope that he finds happiness.

 

I appriciate the advice. I wish I could smack some sense into him, but he is absolutely blinded. I don't understand him lol.

Posted

If it was my friend and he felt so strongly about it, I'd say call her and straight up ask if she wants to get back together.

 

If she says no, then never look back and begin to heal.

 

If she says yes, well then they need to have a serious talk about what went wrong, how are they going to fix it ect.

 

Looks like it's now or never, and he needs either closure that it's over, or if there's still something left.

 

After he makes that phone call, either way, his life will change and he needs to be completely ready for it which ever way it goes.

 

 

If she says no, he must not talk to her and completely dive into NC for a long time.

 

 

 

Barky

  • Author
Posted
If it was my friend and he felt so strongly about it, I'd say call her and straight up ask if she wants to get back together.

 

If she says no, then never look back and begin to heal.

 

If she says yes, well then they need to have a serious talk about what went wrong, how are they going to fix it ect.

 

Looks like it's now or never, and he needs either closure that it's over, or if there's still something left.

 

After he makes that phone call, either way, his life will change and he needs to be completely ready for it which ever way it goes.

 

 

If she says no, he must not talk to her and completely dive into NC for a long time.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Whats up Barky? Thanks for the reply.

 

I like what you said. Yeah, I kinda mentioned that to him as well. I told him he would ultimately do what he is going to do, but let it be the LAST time for it. I said this cat and mouse crap needs to end and you need figure out what you're going to do and tell her. He agreed with it for the most part, but I know that if she said no, he wouldnt stop and thats moronic.

 

I'd much rather him WAIT until he is there at the end of the year, but he said he'd "kick himself if he waited months and she was with someone else."

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