Partner depressed after moving abroad

[eatfruit]

I’m fortunate enough to be a young academic who could get a job almost anywhere in the world and was excited to offer my girlfriend the opportunity for adventure. I looked for her input- where would she like to live? She decided that Australia or Canada were great options, given restrictions with her job.

 

I bagged a job in Oz and headed out first and for a few months saved enough to get us a car and sort out our own flat. She followed, but quickly ran out of money and had a tough time nailing anything from in her line of work, eventually settling for a part-time job in a fast food chain round the corner from our flat.

 

She's been quite depressed ever since she arrived, as it’s not been a fair trade- fewer friends, less money, less to do. We had a great relationship before we moved out- very chatty, good sex life and brought a lot to the table in our own ways. A year later, there is next to no sex, the atmosphere is stale and we argue much more. I've tried to improve her libido by joining (and regularly attending) a gym, while ensuring I give her lots of my time and treating her well.

 

She doesn't need to pay any rent or bills, for any food or leisure activities, and I am regularly supportive financially and around the house, regularly cleaning and cooking meals. I’ve also taken her on holiday and paid for her to go back to the UK to see her family. She still seems very depressed and although she wants to kiss and cuddle frequently, sex and communication is at an all time low.

 

What’s more, I don’t feel that she’s doing anything to improve her own situation. In over a year, she’s done nothing to improve her CV and has more or less wasted her time. My contract runs out in a couple of years and I will surely move to a new country for another position. She might have been away from her field for too long at that point and resent me for forcing her into a lonely and degrading position, even if we move back to the UK, never mind a non-English speaking country.

 

I’ve tried to provide impetus by verbally exploring her options with her, but she seems disinterested. I’ve tried to speak with her- to find out what she wants from me, to find out her plans- but she bottles up.

 

I’m fully aware that I’m not perfect (sometimes mean, sometimes distant) and should ultimately be prepared to move back to the UK immediately, however, that would leave us flat broke, probably ruining my career and professional reputation. What’s more, she has a debt of a few thousand pounds that she is very, very gradually paying off.

 

Childishly, I’ve attempted to provoke her into examining the future as well as our relationship through being upset and withholding affection this week. However, she only declares that she doesn’t know what to say and can’t predict how she’ll feel or what she’ll want in the future.

 

I love her very much and am as sympathetic to her position as I am sad and angry. I’m not really sure how to make progress and am quite fatigued by the situation. If anyone can offer any advice, books to read, web sites, etc, I’d be extremely grateful.

 

I’m also very sorry for the length of this post, but it’s more accurate and cathartic. Thanks for your time.

[mortensorchid]

You are in a very sticky situation with her. I understand based on your descriptions why she is depressed - being away from friends and family, lack of familiarity with her geography, dependent on you for so much, etc. The only solution is to encourage her to seek professional help at this point. There is no shame in taking medications or feeling to need to talk to a shrink, if her mental health is truly at stake here then she must be proactive and do something about it.

 

 

It's also not your fault that she ended up this way, make that clear. But you must suggest that she do some other things rather than sit around and do nothing.

[Poppyolive]

My advice is to take it easy, give her space. How long has she been there, you been there? I am well travelled, often moving to new countries to start from scratch. Ive managed cafes, done whatever work to get by. Moving away from familiar can be very scary for some. I particularly enjoy challenging myself and meeting new people, exploring etc. If where you've moved to is culturally different it can be really difficult to ease in. I remember moving to New York on a work visa when i was 19, i totally freaked out and it took a while to find my feet. how old are both of you?

 

I think she's slightly depressed, culture/change shocked, thinking about home all things she misses, everything is new, strange, not as good, scary etc.... please don't add to that. I understand you are angry, upset, but try to give her space and time to find herself, you went ahead of her, landed a job and are probably feeling really up and excited. She needs to find her own groove, by herself with your support. She doesn't need to think of her career just yet, her focus should be discovering new coffee shops, going on walks, raodtrips, fun events, gatherings, friends etc....fun fun fun....help remove all stresses with her and give her your love and support. when she's feeling good, everything else will fall into place.

 

You also need to take care of yourself and enjoy your new adventures. join a sports team or whatever interests you, lead by example and encourage her to take a fun new class......do weekly date nights where you don't speak about the stresses, just have fun, discover your surroundings. Take turns in organizing these date/lovers nights. She'll enjoy searching things out and surprising you.

 

Love and have fun!!

[Poppyolive]

In over a year, she’s done nothing to improve her CV and has more or less wasted her time.

 

so i re read....she's been there a year? Has she made her own friends? How does she spend her days? Has she opened up to you at all? If its really been a year i think she needs to seek help. mental health is not something to mess with or take lightly. you could in the meantime find some online meditations to do together, some magical things happen when you meditate.

 

I find when i feel overwhelmed and missing home, I start a diary/journal to write out thoughts, plans, idea etc....also doing some gratitude writings, find simple things/joys that make her happy. Positive thinking.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Working abroad might sound like one of the most adventurous and exciting things you can do for most people, but what people some don't realize is that it's an adjustment to a different culture and it can often lead you to feel isolated, let alone if you don't actually speak the language, and your skills/experience/education may not be applicable or reputable as it is within your own country.

 

It sounds like she's just really having a difficult time adjusting and adapting to her new environment (which is normal initially at least)...after all it's hard without friends, family and that support. There are people in the US I know who've lived here for years moving over from somewhere else, but it took years and years for them to get adjusted and settled especially when English wasn't their first language, it's hard for them to build a network of friends and really feel settled like someone who was born here. Think about the people you know in your life, you've probably known them for ages or since you were a kid, now imagine not having those people in your life any longer, let alone family.

 

So she definitely sounds depressed and overwhelmed with the situation, maybe trapped or stuck, doesn't really know how to get out of it, or motivated enough with her low levels of moral to even move anymore. It takes a real effort and courage to take that next step or move out of your comfort zone and for people who aren't the go-getter type who can stay motivated in demotivating circumstances, who are used to some level of stability, predictability and familiarity, the situation can absolutely feel dire. Not everyone has the same talents, and if she's kind of new to the whole idea of starting up from nothing then it's a really rough road, especially if she's used to being able to get work back at home with some relative ease, especially comparatively.

 

She likely had high expectations and an entirely different vision of how things were going to happen so far, she also probably romanticized the relationship aspect of it, peoples minds start to wonder in fantasy about all the possibilities...however what life really is...sadly, is the day to day. These are things you should try and talk to her about and try to gain an understanding of, you need to get to express how she really feels and what she's really thinking, because I get the feeling she's hiding the way she feels because I think the "honeymoon" or romanticized vision of this relationship for her is over, I think she's had a real shock and dose of reality and you have to be realistic of how well she is really coping.

 

It's really going to be to her, as in in all things...what she really wants to do and where her motivation lies, some people you just can't motivate or encourage any longer, they've reached their limit and she might be over working this fast food job, chances are she wants to get home as soon as possible and probably doesn't know (or at least has accepted) what she desires from the relationship, but the lack of sex, intimacy and general affection shows me she just might be over it and is detaching.

 

I think it's good for yourself, to get the gym, try and communicate with her and respark the your love life...but if she's not interested you aren't going to get that motivation out of her, you're not going to pique her interest and if she isn't willing to talk to you and share her feelings it makes you wonder what she doesn't want to tell you, and if she was depressed and sad why wouldn't she be willing to share those thoughts and feelings with you if they weren't about you?

 

Now depression is no joke, it can definitely ruin your life and detach and isolate yourself from the world...which means it doesn't have anything to do with you in that light, however once she gets back home, does she really want to continue the relationship? does she still want to be with you once she becomes "happy" again in theory? and that's a question I think she might have difficulty answering, especially since the communication is so low, which means to me she might just be avoiding it, and if she knows in her heart she doesn't want to be with you anymore she's definitely going to avoid that conversation, because once she admits it to you she has to admit it to herself and then it becomes a reality...that's why many women try to avoid vocalizing or addressing an internal issue, they want it to just go away and they don't want to talk about "that". Many women don't have a logical, rational mind about emotional things like that, so talking to you may seem the most sensible and productive thing for you, but for her knowing the truth or searching with herself to admit the truth then she already knows there's not going to be any turning back, so she'll avoid it until she can't find another way to get around it or until she has to.

 

I would be careful about this, and instead of having her admit all this to you...read the writing on the wall and admit to yourself how you feel, take the evidence for what it is, stop trying to convince yourself that you can control this and somehow make her happy, and change it on your own, that's not going to happen, you can't always fix something, sadly...especially without her help and willingness, she has to be present, that's the thing about relationships, she has to be invested one person cannot simply do all the work and you've really got to stop trying to shoulder that responsibility.

 

If you want to do things the chicken way, and avoid conversation and pressing her until she spills the beans, then just deal with things the way they are now, don't make any drastic decisions or changes for this girl even though you love her, it's not going to be worth it in the end if this relationship doesn't work out, you need to think about yourself and your own future because she's not to care or fix that in the future. Take her back to the UK, setup an arrangement of where she's going to live and stay, end the relationship and go on your way and continue living your life...because honestly If I'm reading the writing on the wall correctly, she's not going to be around in the future no matter what you do, I don't think she's there emotionally man, I really don't....but your wildcard is the depression, but maybe she's not depressed necessarily just really unhappy with her life right now and that'll all change once she gets back home, because with real depression, people tend to have a history of that unless there's just some major traumatic experience that causes them to spiral down...this just sounds like she's unhappy and unable to adjust to her environment so she's not happy there, and on top of that she questions this relationship, I mean that seems pretty clear to me...I think your'e just beating your head against a wall.

[FitChick]

Sounds like she is disillusioned with the fantasy she had about living in a foreign country. Has she not traveled much?

 

Sounds like a mismatch if you like to experience different cultures and she can't adjust. It's not like Oz and the UK are totally different, like Africa.