strawberrywine17 Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Hi, Thank you in advance for taking the time to read and give your advice. A few years ago I read this book called "Marry Him" which basically advocated not waiting around for Mr. Right but finding a guy that had qualities compatible with your life goals. Around that time I met a nice guy who had all the right qualities and was very into me and continued the relationship as I was looking to settle down. I moved to another city for him, we live together, and he's saving up for a ring. I can envision a great future together as we genuinely get along well as friends, have similar values, would be great parents together. We have a nice, solid relationship that sounds great on paper but to be 100% honest I'm not super attracted to him anymore. I know it is normal to lose some of that chemistry/spark but it wasn't really "there" in the first place. I was okay with it at the time because I find it incredibly rare to find that spark plus all of the qualities I want, so the realist in me thought I'd be happiest picking the good qualities instead. About a year ago I met a guy while I was out with some girlfriends in another city. He tracked me down on a social network after we met and we started talking on and off for awhile. I guess you could consider this a very light "emotional affair" as I hid this from my partner and would get giddy and excited to hear from him, etc but we don't live near each other so that's as far as it went. He's very, very, good-looking, and I would have considered him totally out of my league. He's also too young for me so I wouldn't consider him serious relationship material even if I were single because I want to settle down in next few years and get married, have kids, etc. So, even though he is one of the few people I have ever felt that special type of connection with, he still wouldn't be husband material. In a strange turn of events, my boyfriend is relocating for work so we are moving and I will be working literally a block away from the other guy. I'm not looking for permission to cheat or reasons why I shouldn't, that much is obvious. I am looking for advice on whether or not me feeling this way about someone else is.... 1) Normal (I'm a human, and it's normal to be attracted to others right?) 2) A huge red flag that I shouldn't continue things with my boyfriend (if I feel this way about someone else now, what will things be like when we are married?) Is the fact I'm questioning my relationship over someone I hardly know the bigger red flag? (It's supposed to be all "you just know" when it's right, right?) Also... 3) Is it necessary to have that special spark/chemistry for a happy marriage or are similar values/goals/lifestyles enough to keep us both happy? I come from a divorced household so I'm extremely nervous about marriage in general because I do NOT want to get divorced or break up my future family (I know no one does...). 4) Is the coincidence about moving (and some other very big coincidences) some sort of sign/fate that I actually should break things off with the boyfriend and see what happens with the other guy despite his big flaw (age) (I'm guessing not, and I'm projecting my many years of romantic comedy viewing into my own real life). 5) Is the right answer that I should be single and figure out what I want? (My biological clock is ticking, by the way, so I'm out of my prime dating years and don't really want to "start over" either) 6) Is that raw attraction/chemistry you have with someone really that important? Later in marriage, isn't it more about friendship/companionship and your family? Thanks in advance for your help!
Weezy1973 Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) 1) Normal (I'm a human, and it's normal to be attracted to others right?) It's normal to find others to be attractive, beautiful etc. It's not normal to be attracted to someone else if you're already in a relationship. 2) A huge red flag that I shouldn't continue things with my boyfriend (if I feel this way about someone else now, what will things be like when we are married?) Is the fact I'm questioning my relationship over someone I hardly know the bigger red flag? (It's supposed to be all "you just know" when it's right, right?) Yes to both questions. These are definite red flags. Except you don't necessarily "just know" when it's right. I've grown attracted to people I've worked with / gone to school with over time. 3) Is it necessary to have that special spark/chemistry for a happy marriage or are similar values/goals/lifestyles enough to keep us both happy? I come from a divorced household so I'm extremely nervous about marriage in general because I do NOT want to get divorced or break up my future family (I know no one does...). Most people would say both are necessary for a happy marriage. Be aware though - A LOT of people find it very difficult to find a partner with both qualities. 4) Is the coincidence about moving (and some other very big coincidences) some sort of sign/fate that I actually should break things off with the boyfriend and see what happens with the other guy despite his big flaw (age) (I'm guessing not, and I'm projecting my many years of romantic comedy viewing into my own real life). Haha - no definitely not a sign. Although you should still probably break things off with the boyfriend and, sure, try things with the new guy as well. Although the new guy is pretty much guaranteed to just be a rebound - he embodies everything that is missing from your current relationship. You'll like be infatuated in the beginning and blind to his flaws or the fact that you don't share the same values (but you'll justify it by saying he "balances" you out). But you'll figure it out after awhile. 5) Is the right answer that I should be single and figure out what I want? (My biological clock is ticking, by the way, so I'm out of my prime dating years and don't really want to "start over" either) It sounds like you know what you want. Shared values/goals/lifestyles and sexual chemistry/attraction. Not much to figure out really... 6) Is that raw attraction/chemistry you have with someone really that important? Later in marriage, isn't it more about friendship/companionship and your family? It depends on the person - and yes, most people would agree that the initial stages of lust do die down after awhile. But being attracted to your partner should not. And most people would also agree that having that raw attraction / chemistry is important to keep that attraction going in the later stages of the relationship. Edited April 20, 2014 by Weezy1973
Author strawberrywine17 Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 Thanks Weezy! So you basically think my existing relationship is doomed because of my doubts. My fear is your response to #3: that A LOT of people find it hard to find both. I wouldn't want to sacrifice my current, perfectly serviceable relationship for something less than what I have now, ya know? I should add I've confided in two friends about how I feel and both said that they think I'm "settling" because I am/was not holding out for passionate "true love" although they are both still single themselves so I question the soundness of their advice. Also, re: the other guy, no, I'm most certainly not blind to his flaws. His age alone is a bit of a non-starter for anything serious (he's mid twenties to my early 30's and I want a ring and a baby sooner rather than later and financial stability and all that jazz). I guess the smallest tiny part of me feels that all of these coincidences are the stuff of fate and wouldn't that just be a crazy story in 50 years about how life doesn't go as planned. But that's typical dumb girl sentiment, and I TRY to be a bit more pragmatic.
Weezy1973 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Thanks Weezy! So you basically think my existing relationship is doomed because of my doubts. My fear is your response to #3: that A LOT of people find it hard to find both. I wouldn't want to sacrifice my current, perfectly serviceable relationship for something less than what I have now, ya know? I should add I've confided in two friends about how I feel and both said that they think I'm "settling" because I am/was not holding out for passionate "true love" although they are both still single themselves so I question the soundness of their advice. Also, re: the other guy, no, I'm most certainly not blind to his flaws. His age alone is a bit of a non-starter for anything serious (he's mid twenties to my early 30's and I want a ring and a baby sooner rather than later and financial stability and all that jazz). I guess the smallest tiny part of me feels that all of these coincidences are the stuff of fate and wouldn't that just be a crazy story in 50 years about how life doesn't go as planned. But that's typical dumb girl sentiment, and I TRY to be a bit more pragmatic. Single people will tend to tell you "not to settle" and hold out for the whole enchilada. Married people will tend to advocate for taking the plunge with the person you're with...But, this is really for you to decide. For example, when talking about settling - what would be worse for you - leaving this boyfriend and pursuing the whole package with no guarantees and possibly giving up the possibility of a family? Or staying in the current relationship, having the family, but also having a lukewarm sexual relationship at best, and possibly always having those doubts which may ultimately lead to divorce? Also, keep in mind that if you're sexually attracted to traditionally handsome men (and from your post it sounds like you are) then it might be tough to find one that is handsome and stable AND who is commitment/marriage minded. Some have the theory that you can pick any two of those qualities, but you can't have all three. So, maybe you do have to explore your values. How important is sexual chemistry / attraction to you? Is it more important than having a family? There really is no right or wrong answer - different people are different.
Author strawberrywine17 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 Very sound advice, Weezy. Different strokes for different folks. I'm probably a hyperanalytical person and a bit indecisive on top of it so it makes me worry that I would never really "know" its right anyway. I guess in my years of dating since I was a teen maybe I've felt that type of chemistry/mutual attraction with 3 other people in my life so statistically speaking it's not likely if I gave up what I had now, I'd find it with someone else (plus all of the other things I want) in the next year. I guess I just worry about what happens if I DO meet that guy some day, after I have that family I want so badly. Will I regret my life choices? Is that the thing mid-life crises are made of? Am I way too paranoid about this because of my own divorced family or because I really am in the wrong relationship? Maybe I need a therapist instead of a message board
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