Author Nothisgirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 I'm sitting on my kitchen floor in tears. I've just methodically gone through every possible way xmm could contact me and blocked all the avenues. He started texting and calling this morning saying he didn't understand and that he felt I was being cold by not responding to him saying that he feels like there's more to say. I responded and told him once again I have nothing left to say the situation is what it is he's made his choice and I made mine I told him that I won't keep doing this and that he needs to let me go so I can heal. He sent me this great big long message about him not realizing that I was in charge but he was just trying to communicate his thoughts and feelings that he loves me and doesn't want me to hurt. He also said he couldn't believe that I had nothing left to say I reiterated once again that I did not.. that I was done and I would no longer be communicating with him while he is married and living with his wife . his final message was to say he wished me peace and love ..then he said goodbye and then sent me a whole sequence of Smileys that we would always sign off with . I drafted a very long response but I didn't send it I blocked him instead...here it is for those that are curious: I've been hurting for months...You know this. It's not some big secret I've kept. And I'm not in charge of any rules but I am in charge of the choices I make for myself and my own well being and I won't be in a relationship with you while you're married to and living with another woman. I need my self respect back..... I need to love myself to believe I am worth more. And I have to deal with the guilt I already carry....it's eating me up. It must be nice to turn it over and say "she left me because she wouldn't hold on and wait..I WAS leaving!!!....maybe, almost, someday" ... But I guess it's easier for you that way??? However, ...You're not a victim here...it's not like I pulled the wool over your eyes and you didn't know I was struggling and/or unhappy. And tbh...I'm not a victim either. I fell in love with you knowing you were married. That's not your fault nor do I hold you accountable. Like I said. I'm not in charge of anyone else's thoughts, words or feelings... But I am in charge of two perfect kids who need a healthy happy mommy and being someone's back up plan, their "option" rather than their "priority" isn't making me happy. I'm sorry of you don't understand that... But idk how else to explain it...Talk care of YOU (his name) ..I hope you find the strength to live the life YOU deserve, and one that fulfills you ...whatever that is. I didn't send it because I knew it would just continue to back and forth. I did the right thing..right?? 11
cozycottagelg Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I'm sitting on my kitchen floor in tears. I've just methodically gone through every possible way xmm could contact me and blocked all the avenues. He started texting and calling this morning saying he didn't understand and that he felt I was being cold by not responding to him saying that he feels like there's more to say. I responded and told him once again I have nothing left to say the situation is what it is he's made his choice and I made mine I told him that I won't keep doing this and that he needs to let me go so I can heal. He sent me this great big long message about him not realizing that I was in charge but he was just trying to communicate his thoughts and feelings that he loves me and doesn't want me to hurt. He also said he couldn't believe that I had nothing left to say I reiterated once again that I did not.. that I was done and I would no longer be communicating with him while he is married and living with his wife . his final message was to say he wished me peace and love ..then he said goodbye and then sent me a whole sequence of Smileys that we would always sign off with . I drafted a very long response but I didn't send it I blocked him instead...here it is for those that are curious: I've been hurting for months...You know this. It's not some big secret I've kept. And I'm not in charge of any rules but I am in charge of the choices I make for myself and my own well being and I won't be in a relationship with you while you're married to and living with another woman. I need my self respect back..... I need to love myself to believe I am worth more. And I have to deal with the guilt I already carry....it's eating me up. It must be nice to turn it over and say "she left me because she wouldn't hold on and wait..I WAS leaving!!!....maybe, almost, someday" ... But I guess it's easier for you that way??? However, ...You're not a victim here...it's not like I pulled the wool over your eyes and you didn't know I was struggling and/or unhappy. And tbh...I'm not a victim either. I fell in love with you knowing you were married. That's not your fault nor do I hold you accountable. Like I said. I'm not in charge of anyone else's thoughts, words or feelings... But I am in charge of two perfect kids who need a healthy happy mommy and being someone's back up plan, their "option" rather than their "priority" isn't making me happy. I'm sorry of you don't understand that... But idk how else to explain it...Talk care of YOU (his name) ..I hope you find the strength to live the life YOU deserve, and one that fulfills you ...whatever that is. I didn't send it because I knew it would just continue to back and forth. I did the right thing..right?? Yessss!! You so did the right thing!!! 3
inappfriendly Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You are RIGHT and you are TOUGH and you are AMAZING!You've expressed so well what the rest of us have felt/are feeling. Cry it out, Girl. But know that what you did was because you love and respect YOURSELF more than he ever could/would! ((Hugs)) 6
sunburned Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I didn't send it because I knew it would just continue to back and forth. I did the right thing..right?? Yes you did the right thing by not sending the text and by blocking. Just please stop answering him. He's perfectly clear on what you mean and what your needs are. He's just desperate to keep you on a leash. I am sorry you are hurting (((hugs))). 1
Waverly Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You 100% did the right thing and good for you for having the strength to do it! I know you don't feel it right now (and trust me, I've been on the kitchen floor right there with you), but you are STRONG. Ending it and blocking him is complete proof, no matter how much you are doubting it right now. Keep hanging in there, and try not to second-guess. He is not able to give you what you need or deserve. Sending you hugs and good thoughts. 1
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 You are RIGHT and you are TOUGH and you are AMAZING!You've expressed so well what the rest of us have felt/are feeling. Cry it out, Girl. But know that what you did was because you love and respect YOURSELF more than he ever could/would! ((Hugs)) This made me cry happy tears..Ty for not judging and just being there..THANK YOU You did the right thing. Now pick yourself up off that floor and going live your life. No man is worth crying over and no man is worth not being the best mother for your children. You can now make your life whatever you want it to be. He's stuck in his, by choice. You're free. You're so right, he is a coward who will stay unhappy forever, yet I had the guts to follow through on the break up knowing it will hurt but I won't run this cycle with him...and I am free and as sad as I feel I do feel it...I feel less weighed down. Now I won't be subconsciously waiting for the texts calls and emails..because he's blocked. I'm off the floor and have my runners laced ....heading outside with my angry break up playlist and going to run the tears out before the kids come home from their dads Yes you did the right thing by not sending the text and by blocking. Just please stop answering him. He's perfectly clear on what you mean and what your needs are. He's just desperate to keep you on a leash. I am sorry you are hurting (((hugs))). Ty for saying this because, and I'm sure you know, that's what I was second guessing, the "does he know what I need and what the fix to this is" , the "does he know I love him bit need to do this for myself" thoughts.. But he's a grown a$$ 45 yr old man who is quite intelligent and perfectly capable of understanding the boundaries I've set out and the needs I've expressed..however he's chosen to stay stagnant over the past few months thinking I'd stay regardless of him doing nothing. I called his bluff and you're right sunburned, he's desperate to keep me holding on. Actions, not words were what I required and he DOES kNow this. He made his choice and I followed through with mine. You 100% did the right thing and good for you for having the strength to do it! I know you don't feel it right now (and trust me, I've been on the kitchen floor right there with you), but you are STRONG. Ending it and blocking him is complete proof, no matter how much you are doubting it right now. Keep hanging in there, and try not to second-guess. He is not able to give you what you need or deserve. Sending you hugs and good thoughts. Thank you for the hugs, I feel half strong and half like I'm going to fall apart but I feel 100% sure that I had no other choice and that I did the right thing for me. Ty for empathizing and Ty for the support....we will all get through this
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Night one down. However, exmm resigned onto an old texting app we used (that I hadn't thought to block and don't even know if I could have because he didn't even show on it before last night) anyways, he sent me a long LONG message about how much he loves me that I am his should mate and that he's ready to leave his marriage now. That he can't be without me and that although he realizes how messed up the way we met is he wants to do the hard work and walk through this together with the end result of us being together. He promises to be vulnerable and open up. To not be stubborn. He also asks me to tell him if I feel the same and ask me if this is what I want. He says if I don't respond he will understand and not be angry, but that he had to tell me how he feels. He's away for work right now and in the end of his messages he says he'd like to book me a flight because he wants to look me in the eyes and tell me this. I didn't respond He messaged again to tell me he heard our song I didn't respond He messaged me good night I didn't respond He messaged me good morning today I didn't respond I'm feeling pretty sad right now. Because, even if it's ALL true, even if that is what he wants, and he really does follow through what I know in my heart is that i don't think I want to be with him. I love him fiercely but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to do to me what he did to here. It is almost like that ship sailed for me... There was a time when that message would have had me running into his arms promising to be by his side but I don't think that's what I want....Does that make sense? Don't worry, the irony is not lost on me I feel badly not responding because I can feel the emotion and pain through his message but I know I am too vulnerable right now. My question I guess is it unfair of me not to tell him that that is my decision? Should I tell him that even if he does leave I can't be with him. At least not at this point? Wow, this is so messed up. Really wish I never entered into this A. 5
gettingstronger Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 My question I guess is it unfair of me not to tell him that that is my decision? Should I tell him that even if he does leave I can't be with him. At least not at this point? Well, that kind of leaves the door open with the "not at this point"- maybe continue to work on you and stay NC and allow him to do what he wants for his own good as well-if he wants to leave his wife because thats what he wants to do than maybe a year or so down the line you could re-connect-
sunburned Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Silence is a response. It speaks volumes. Don't answer. You have a poor track record in this department : ). You will get into another circuitous argument by text that will only end in a crumpled heap on your kitchen floor. If he wants to divorce, let him D because his marriage is bad not because he has someone else waiting in the wings. I wish you lots of strength today, nothisgirl. 5
skywriter Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Night one down. However, exmm resigned onto an old texting app we used (that I hadn't thought to block and don't even know if I could have because he didn't even show on it before last night) anyways, he sent me a long LONG message about how much he loves me that I am his should mate and that he's ready to leave his marriage now. That he can't be without me and that although he realizes how messed up the way we met is he wants to do the hard work and walk through this together with the end result of us being together. He promises to be vulnerable and open up. To not be stubborn. He also asks me to tell him if I feel the same and ask me if this is what I want. He says if I don't respond he will understand and not be angry, but that he had to tell me how he feels. He's away for work right now and in the end of his messages he says he'd like to book me a flight because he wants to look me in the eyes and tell me this. I didn't respond He messaged again to tell me he heard our song I didn't respond He messaged me good night I didn't respond He messaged me good morning today I didn't respond I'm feeling pretty sad right now. Because, even if it's ALL true, even if that is what he wants, and he really does follow through what I know in my heart is that i don't think I want to be with him. I love him fiercely but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to do to me what he did to here. It is almost like that ship sailed for me... There was a time when that message would have had me running into his arms promising to be by his side but I don't think that's what I want....Does that make sense? Don't worry, the irony is not lost on me I feel badly not responding because I can feel the emotion and pain through his message but I know I am too vulnerable right now. My question I guess is it unfair of me not to tell him that that is my decision? Should I tell him that even if he does leave I can't be with him. At least not at this point? Wow, this is so messed up. Really wish I never entered into this A. Because, even if it's ALL true, even if that is what he wants, and he really does follow through what I know in my heart is that i don't think I want to be with him. I love him fiercely but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to do to me what he did to here. It is almost like that ship sailed for me... I understand this completely. I knew I had to implement an ending and see it through. Being in the A was draining me. I had reasons for not trusting him. I have moved on, May will be 2 years of NC! Yay! In March, XMM sent me a happy birthday message through my son. I've never attempted contact with him and he's been silent since. I'm in a relationship with a single man. I never want to put myself through an A again. I imagine you have to sit on your hands not to respond when he attempts to communicate with you. I've been away from the XMM long enough that I don't long for that connection anymore. I'm indifferent towards him now. I wish he and his family well. I just want to continue moving forward and leave the past in the past. 1
cocorico Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 My question I guess is it unfair of me not to tell him that that is my decision? Should I tell him that even if he does leave I can't be with him. At least not at this point? If his decision is to be made for "the right reasons", and to be sustainable, he needs to leave his M because he wants to and because he is ready to - not because it would make you happy. Your being available to him should not determine his decision either way. Let him leave, or stay, on his own cognisance - for his own reasons, taking responsibility for his own choices. Communicating with him now would be assuming responsibility for his choice - not good for him, and not good for you. He needs to resolve this for himself. Whatever you decide on the future won't be helped by getting sucked back into becoming responsible for his decisions regarding his own future. You are not beholden to him on this. Do not put yourself in a position where you might feel you become so. 3
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Silence is a response. It speaks volumes. Don't answer. You have a poor track record in this department : ). You will get into another circuitous argument by text that will only end in a crumpled heap on your kitchen floor. If he wants to divorce, let him D because his marriage is bad not because he has someone else waiting in the wings. I wish you lots of strength today, nothisgirl. "Silence is a response" Ty for that sb, I'm making it my mantra through this. My track record is atrocious as far as he's concerned, but I'm breaking the mould. I'm not responding and when I want to I will repeat my mantra. I guess I wondered if I owed him to let him know where I was at but it's all stuff I've said before. You're right. Because, even if it's ALL true, even if that is what he wants, and he really does follow through what I know in my heart is that i don't think I want to be with him. I love him fiercely but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to do to me what he did to here. It is almost like that ship sailed for me... I understand this completely. I knew I had to implement an ending and see it through. Being in the A was draining me. I had reasons for not trusting him. I have moved on, May will be 2 years of NC! Yay! In March, XMM sent me a happy birthday message through my son. I've never attempted contact with him and he's been silent since. I'm in a relationship with a single man. I never want to put myself through an A again. I imagine you have to sit on your hands not to respond when he attempts to communicate with you. I've been away from the XMM long enough that I don't long for that connection anymore. I'm indifferent towards him now. I wish he and his family well. I just want to continue moving forward and leave the past in the past. Draining!!!! Yes! That's exactly it. That and the mistrust. It's just not what I want in my life. If his decision is to be made for "the right reasons", and to be sustainable, he needs to leave his M because he wants to and because he is ready to - not because it would make you happy. Your being available to him should not determine his decision either way. Let him leave, or stay, on his own cognisance - for his own reasons, taking responsibility for his own choices. Communicating with him now would be assuming responsibility for his choice - not good for him, and not good for you. He needs to resolve this for himself. Whatever you decide on the future won't be helped by getting sucked back into becoming responsible for his decisions regarding his own future. You are not beholden to him on this. Do not put yourself in a position where you might feel you become so. Ty, I really appreciate this. I'm struggling because I know that of I respond it will push me even further away because (and I've told him as much so so many times) if/when he leaves his marriage I won't hold his hand, it has to be because he's unhappy not because of me... I worry that he will and then he will come find me and I won't want to be with him because Idk that I could get past the trust issues but I know that if I'm at all involved in the separation/divorce we'd be dead in the water before we even got off the ground as a real R 1
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I don't think you have to make any decisions right now. You owe him nothing. Everything he said last night was an emotional reaction. Nothing more. It means nothing until, and only if, he actually follows through. Sadly, it's like NC for OWs. Most don't follow through. He says he's willing to divorce to be with you yet turns around and says if you don't respond he will understand. Do you see how contradictory those statements are? He's just talking to suck you back in. If you did respond, you'd then get a timeline and excuses. He's not leaving his marriage. I never thought about it that way but you're right. He continued messaging even though I didn't respond and won't however your right. There's no actual ACTION.... it's all still words coming from a very emotional place.
txgrl Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) MW here .This is EXACTlY why I did to my OM . Bombard him with messages till he would break down and then what??... Te same darned cycle again . If it helps any, the emotion and hormones made me do stupid hurtful stuff and I jut tried to block the guilt and the shame .why you ask? Because we become too selfish and immoral without thinking about the damage that we do . DoNOT respond to him, I repeat DONOT do it . If he D , he knows exactly where to find you . Edited April 22, 2014 by txgrl 1
WasOtherWoman Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 OP- So when you question these things he is telling you, you need to ask yourself which is the easier route for him to take? Losing the emotional bond and sex with you or dealing with the whirlwind of problems and potential loss that will ensue once he tried to leave the marriage for you. And if she can prove adultery in court? He could lose everything. I've known men in the course of recovering from divorce as the result of an affair. They had nothing. They went from living in a big beautiful house with nice cars, a pool, boats, and making good money to a 1 bedroom apt with hardly any furniture and barely getting by because everything they once had, now belonged to her and the kids, including half their paycheck. So really ask yourself, do you mean that much to him to risk losing all that? Or is he just keeping you in this pipe dream to fulfill his own personal, selfish needs? I would choose Option B. No offense, but I think you must know some pretty dumb men. If a man is smart enough to afford nice cars pools, boats and houses I have to think they are intelligent enough to make sure they are treated fairly in a divorce. And, in most states adultery has NO bearing on the division of marital property.
WasOtherWoman Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Night one down. However, exmm resigned onto an old texting app we used (that I hadn't thought to block and don't even know if I could have because he didn't even show on it before last night) anyways, he sent me a long LONG message about how much he loves me that I am his should mate and that he's ready to leave his marriage now. That he can't be without me and that although he realizes how messed up the way we met is he wants to do the hard work and walk through this together with the end result of us being together. He promises to be vulnerable and open up. To not be stubborn. He also asks me to tell him if I feel the same and ask me if this is what I want. He says if I don't respond he will understand and not be angry, but that he had to tell me how he feels. He's away for work right now and in the end of his messages he says he'd like to book me a flight because he wants to look me in the eyes and tell me this. I didn't respond He messaged again to tell me he heard our song I didn't respond He messaged me good night I didn't respond He messaged me good morning today I didn't respond I'm feeling pretty sad right now. Because, even if it's ALL true, even if that is what he wants, and he really does follow through what I know in my heart is that i don't think I want to be with him. I love him fiercely but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to do to me what he did to here. It is almost like that ship sailed for me... There was a time when that message would have had me running into his arms promising to be by his side but I don't think that's what I want....Does that make sense? Don't worry, the irony is not lost on me I feel badly not responding because I can feel the emotion and pain through his message but I know I am too vulnerable right now. My question I guess is it unfair of me not to tell him that that is my decision? Should I tell him that even if he does leave I can't be with him. At least not at this point? Wow, this is so messed up. Really wish I never entered into this A. Yes, he is definitely trying to suck you back in, return things to "normal" for him. Which means, getting a wife AND a mistress while you remain alone . Stay strong, you are doing great!! 1
Popsicle Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Night one down. However, exmm resigned onto an old texting app we used (that I hadn't thought to block and don't even know if I could have because he didn't even show on it before last night) anyways, he sent me a long LONG message about how much he loves me that I am his should mate and that he's ready to leave his marriage now. That he can't be without me and that although he realizes how messed up the way we met is he wants to do the hard work and walk through this together with the end result of us being together. He promises to be vulnerable and open up. To not be stubborn. He also asks me to tell him if I feel the same and ask me if this is what I want. He says if I don't respond he will understand and not be angry, but that he had to tell me how he feels. He's away for work right now and in the end of his messages he says he'd like to book me a flight because he wants to look me in the eyes and tell me this. I didn't respond He messaged again to tell me he heard our song I didn't respond He messaged me good night I didn't respond He messaged me good morning today I didn't respond I'm feeling pretty sad right now. Because, even if it's ALL true, even if that is what he wants, and he really does follow through what I know in my heart is that i don't think I want to be with him. I love him fiercely but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to do to me what he did to here. It is almost like that ship sailed for me... There was a time when that message would have had me running into his arms promising to be by his side but I don't think that's what I want....Does that make sense? Don't worry, the irony is not lost on me I feel badly not responding because I can feel the emotion and pain through his message but I know I am too vulnerable right now. My question I guess is it unfair of me not to tell him that that is my decision? Should I tell him that even if he does leave I can't be with him. At least not at this point? Wow, this is so messed up. Really wish I never entered into this A. Poor girl. I just wouldn't respond at all. Chances are you won't hear from him again and he'll stay married.
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 Poor girl. I just wouldn't respond at all. Chances are you won't hear from him again and he'll stay married. Ty, I haven't responded, I won't respond. He's been quite the rest of the day... Thanks again for all of your support and pep talks ...u appreciate this forum so much
jellybean89 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I am so damn proud of you! YOU are changing! YOU are growing. YOU are on the right track. I know you must be hurting and while I am sorry for that; part of me is glad you are so that you can see what this affair has done to you (if that makes sense). Yes, you chose to have an affair; but you ALSO chose to end the cycle and the affair. You should be so proud of yourself. Your two kids would be cheering you on if they knew how strong their mom is being. Go look in the mirror. See that woman? She is worthy of love. She is worthy of being the priority and not the option. SHE deserves to be the ONLY woman in a man's love life. Pamper yourself. You are going to grieve and that is normal. But you will survive. You will not only survive, but you will flourish. Once the weight of all the guilt and shame and ugliness of the affair leaves your body, you will feel free. You will learn to forgive yourself and love yourself again. Because you are a survivor. Very proud of you! 5
jwi71 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Night one down. However, exmm resigned onto an old texting app we used (that I hadn't thought to block and don't even know if I could have because he didn't even show on it before last night) anyways, he sent me a long LONG message about how much he loves me that I am his should mate and that he's ready to leave his marriage now. That he can't be without me and that although he realizes how messed up the way we met is he wants to do the hard work and walk through this together with the end result of us being together. He promises to be vulnerable and open up. To not be stubborn. He also asks me to tell him if I feel the same and ask me if this is what I want. He says if I don't respond he will understand and not be angry, but that he had to tell me how he feels. He's away for work right now and in the end of his messages he says he'd like to book me a flight because he wants to look me in the eyes and tell me this. I didn't respond He messaged again to tell me he heard our song I didn't respond He messaged me good night I didn't respond He messaged me good morning today I didn't respond I'm feeling pretty sad right now. Because, even if it's ALL true, even if that is what he wants, and he really does follow through what I know in my heart is that i don't think I want to be with him. I love him fiercely but I don't trust him. I don't trust him not to do to me what he did to here. It is almost like that ship sailed for me... There was a time when that message would have had me running into his arms promising to be by his side but I don't think that's what I want....Does that make sense? Don't worry, the irony is not lost on me I feel badly not responding because I can feel the emotion and pain through his message but I know I am too vulnerable right now. My question I guess is it unfair of me not to tell him that that is my decision? Should I tell him that even if he does leave I can't be with him. At least not at this point? Wow, this is so messed up. Really wish I never entered into this A. Really? He typed all that? smh. As others have pointed out - he did nothing but think of a "back door" to you and fire off drivel. And, read cocorico's post. I was going to to touch on that (her and I have different perspectives but the message aligns here) - the healthiest choice for HIM is to decide his fate w/o consideration of you. He needs to stay or leave based on his own internal decision making - you should have NO bearing. I think we all agree there. So what does that mean for you? The only thing it can mean. Move on. If he ever decides to leave and PROVES it (he's kinda blown the whole trust thing with you no?) - he can reach out to you. And maybe you'll be available. Maybe not. Its kinda moot - IME, men who plan on leaving - leave. Those that don't - don't. We men aren't super complicated creatures - food, sex, sports, video games...'bout sums up it really.
chelsea2011 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I am so damn proud of you! YOU are changing! YOU are growing. YOU are on the right track. I know you must be hurting and while I am sorry for that; part of me is glad you are so that you can see what this affair has done to you (if that makes sense). Yes, you chose to have an affair; but you ALSO chose to end the cycle and the affair. You should be so proud of yourself. Your two kids would be cheering you on if they knew how strong their mom is being. Go look in the mirror. See that woman? She is worthy of love. She is worthy of being the priority and not the option. SHE deserves to be the ONLY woman in a man's love life. Pamper yourself. You are going to grieve and that is normal. But you will survive. You will not only survive, but you will flourish. Once the weight of all the guilt and shame and ugliness of the affair leaves your body, you will feel free. You will learn to forgive yourself and love yourself again. Because you are a survivor. Very proud of you! What an awesome post, Jellybean. Not this girl, this is definitely what you should do. You will get through this - stay strong!
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 I am so damn proud of you! YOU are changing! YOU are growing. YOU are on the right track. I know you must be hurting and while I am sorry for that; part of me is glad you are so that you can see what this affair has done to you (if that makes sense). Yes, you chose to have an affair; but you ALSO chose to end the cycle and the affair. You should be so proud of yourself. Your two kids would be cheering you on if they knew how strong their mom is being. Go look in the mirror. See that woman? She is worthy of love. She is worthy of being the priority and not the option. SHE deserves to be the ONLY woman in a man's love life. Pamper yourself. You are going to grieve and that is normal. But you will survive. You will not only survive, but you will flourish. Once the weight of all the guilt and shame and ugliness of the affair leaves your body, you will feel free. You will learn to forgive yourself and love yourself again. Because you are a survivor. Very proud of you! Thanks jellybean...this means a lot coming from you as I always read your posts as very honest and no bull**** . Thank you for the support I don't feel like I am changing, I feel like I am white knuckling through this whole thing Admittedly, a part of me is hanging on to maybe he will leave and then we could see what happens but I know that for me to ever consider that I need a clean break right now and need to be far away from this A He called my home phone last night from his hotel room (he's away on business) I answered because I didn't realize obv and I thought it was my aunt who lives out west. Anyways, he pleaded and begged and told me his plan and said how he knows this is so messed up but that if I love him the way he loves me we will come out the other side stronger I told him idk how I feel, idk if he's the one for me and I refuse to assess that until/unless he is D/separated and until I work through what this has done to me What my poor decisions have done to my self worth He told me I am the love of his life and that he will not let me slip through his fingers... And I reiterated once again that what I need and want is space and time. He questioned me on what exactly that means and I said call me when you're D. He asked if I was serious and I said yes. He said he can't imagine his days without me. I asked him to respect my need to heal myself and told him I do not want him checking in on me so to please respect that and stop . I'm so torn up today. My stomach is in knots. And I'm so anxious This is so so hard. Tomorrow is a full year since we began. Need to get through that day.
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 Really? He typed all that? smh. As others have pointed out - he did nothing but think of a "back door" to you and fire off drivel. And, read cocorico's post. I was going to to touch on that (her and I have different perspectives but the message aligns here) - the healthiest choice for HIM is to decide his fate w/o consideration of you. He needs to stay or leave based on his own internal decision making - you should have NO bearing. I think we all agree there. So what does that mean for you? The only thing it can mean. Move on. If he ever decides to leave and PROVES it (he's kinda blown the whole trust thing with you no?) - he can reach out to you. And maybe you'll be available. Maybe not. Its kinda moot - IME, men who plan on leaving - leave. Those that don't - don't. We men aren't super complicated creatures - food, sex, sports, video games...'bout sums up it really. Yes, between those messages and last night he has typed and said so much more...but I've yet to see any action and it seems ironic to me that the minute I actually shut the door firmly he knows he wants to leave his marriage. I agree, his leaving has to be independent from me... He says up and down I'm not the reason but says I've shown him what's possible and that he doesn't want to live his life regretting or unhappy. Idk why he's not understanding that if he feels like that he needs to deal with his ****. On his own. And then call me. It alas, he's grown man, and I can't keep trying to explain it or reason it out. I can't, it's so exhausting.
Author Nothisgirl Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 Tread lightly. This is exactly what my xMM said to me when I ended it the first time. I then got the timeline and spent months waiting for it to expire. What I learned is this... If you agree to continue the affair during the timeline, you've essentially handed him all the power. Keep him out. If he really wants to divorce, he will do it. It's NOT dependent on your actions. This is what I'm operating on....I don't want to be around for their divorce. I don't want to be any part of it and I want him to leave his m regardless of me. Admittedly I'm worried that he will leave and my feelings will change for good and I won't want to be with him but that's not on me, I keep telling myself that anyways
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