michah2 Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Hi Guys, I am a 24 year old female whose first relationship ended last July. Since then it seems my life has been off course. My ex was my first and we were virtually inseparable.On breaking up with me he said he didn't feel the same about our romantic relationship and wasn't sure he wanted to rectify our problems. I admit i was very insecure but if anything i also did most of the work after awhile. After finally letting out my anger in a heated conversation I cut off all communication and asked that he not contact me again. He pleaded said he thought he had made an awful mistake that couldn't be fixed. I said anything can be fixed. I told him if he was serious we could try. Maybe I exerted too much pressure but he quickly backed off and became confused again. Eventually he said I should be with someone who knew what they wanted. After this I tried to stay away but every few months Id contact him. On one occasion he mentioned he met a young lady he liked but still had feelings for me. We had sex twice and he remained confused. Eventually he told me to forget about him and to move on. This time I was so devastated I completely tried to right my life. I went back to the gym and started to gain my swag back. I've always seen myself a strong person..I dont easily show emotion and i am not generally insecure. He blocked my number and then unblocked my but i never contact him. He reached out on christmas but I didnt respond ..he reached out to ask how I was doing on valentines day but i told him to just let it be and to let me be. A month later in march i cracked. I couldn't stop thinking about him. So i messaged him to say i missed him. He asked to pass by but I said no. In the next week we texted back and forth everyday. Finally he passed by on the weekend but seemed very distant but after3 months of no communication I expected it. As soon as he left i was bombarded with questions about if i had sex with other guys. He said it was weird thinking of me with anyone else. How was the sex? How many were you with? Did you use condoms? How gifted was he? I slept with one guy an old friend it was way to break free but no emotions were attached. He has slept with 3 women and was in a relationship with one. I admitted I felt attracted to him still,,he admitted that while he was there he wanted to go purchase some condoms. Needless to say we still wanted each other and talked about meeting up the next day. He didnt come over but when i asked why he wanted to have sex he admitted that it was really good and i was again bombarded with questions about why i was no longer sleeping with the other guy. Was it because Im busy..is he busy..is it convenience its ard for you to see him...where did you have sex...did you call if off ...if he came back would you just go? We arranged for him to come over and i told him that i had protection. He actually asked if i punched holes in them. Needless to say that offended me. He said he was being paranoid but i told him if he loved her dont come..if he doesnt want whatever this is we were doing dont come and if he didnt trust me dont come. He said he didnt love her but had feelings for her. He came we had great sex and cuddled and agreed to hang out. A few days later i came to my senses. I still love this guy. I aked him if he wanted to meet up later that day. he said he wanted to hang out but its complicated because he does have a girlfriend. I aked him how he felt about me and whether he would consider leaving her. He said he couldn't just leave her and that things were going good at the movement. He admitted he still had feelings for me . Now it seemed simple to me. He said just because he didnt love her doesn't mean he isn't happy. Just because he slept with someone else doesn't mean he isn't happy. People deal with situations differently...... I told him he was making absolutely no sense. He asked if we weren't going to talk any more and if i meant this to be good bye. I think hes scared I'll cut him out again. But I am always honest with him. You say you still have feelings for me and you miss me. After 3 months of no interaction we are in the same space for 30 mins and agree to have sex. You text me daily..you admit you don't love her and you can't be committed if you can simply cheat. This is a guy who doesn't believe in cheating. I told him to give me a call if he wants to hang out but if hes sticking to his guns about that relationship I wish him the best... Did i do the right thing..am i stupid to think this relationship is a farce?
TaraMaiden Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Yes, you are. This isn't a 'relationship'. He's IN a relationship, even though he's cheating scum. He's screwing you on the side, both literally and metaphorically. Back off, move right away, go no Contact and stop messing about with your life, his and hers. You want to be a priority, he clearly wants to keep you as an option. Find some self-respect and leave this alone.
Survivor12 Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 You're having sex with him to convince yourself that he still has feelings for you. He's having sex with you because he can. Love is not a prerequisite to having sex and sex is not proof of love. It's really that simple. Jealousy is not proof of love. Asking questions about your sexual partners & interest in your use of condoms, doesn't mean he has feelings for you. You can't "fix" a relationship alone. It takes commitment by BOTH partners. Think about this for a moment--you were offended by his comment about the condom, but you voluntarily provided them to have sex with him knowing that he has a gf he's chosen to have a relationship with instead of you. Now, ask yourself, who disrespected you more--him or you? "After 3 months of no interaction we are in the same space for 30 minutes and agree to have sex"....I assume that your point was that he must not love his gf, but the irony is that after him having sex with and being in a relationship with someone else for 3 months and knowing that he has no intention of leaving her, you were willing to jump into bed with him within those same 30 minutes! Look, you may not be stupid, but if you arent, you are either incredibly naive or in deep denial. He has told you the way it is and it makes perfect sense--he's happy being in a relationship with his gf, has no intention of leaving her, and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you--but he is willing to have no strings attached sex with you. What doesn't make sense is why you agree to the conditions and then expect that an orgasm or two is going to change his mind. If you don't like it, it's up to you to walk away. 1
Author michah2 Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) you are right i am being stupid. I know I need to walk away completely. I know I need to love my self more than I love him. At the end of the day what he feels for her or doesn't feel for her is none of my concern as he has chosen to stay in that relationship. I'm kicking myself because if anything this proves he can't be trusted. If he can cheat with me he can cheat with anyone. I think I am in denial...I never saw him as someone who would cheat unless he was unhappy. I never saw him as someone who saw sex as just sex. I just never saw him as a typical guy. No contact was obviously the best approach. Edited April 20, 2014 by michah2
jackny123 Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 It's difficult to see someone we love any differently than the picture in our heart/mind. I was in love with a girl for 19 months. She was cheating on her bf and I overlooked it. I overlooked her behavior because of how I felt, and built her up in my mind. Eventually the bf caught on and dumped her. When I tried to be with her, we were in touch about a month, and then she dropped me instantly via email and we had a long argument on the phone. She didn't say one nice thing to me. The moral of the story is that this man is not the best for you. As terribly painful and difficult as it is, you need to initiate NC and find someone who really values you and will commit to you and only you.
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